strange brews

what is strange is the last dozen or so entries here have more than two dozen page views but the entries prior to that have fewer than ten and many have none, which puzzles me because the google counts of page views are so inaccurate sometimes, and yet, maybe the seventeen followers of this seldom updated babbling blog actually come by and read now and then the questions becomes, why not read it all?... of course the natural answer is who the fudge has the time? (hey, kids might be reading and some parents don't want their kids to read the word fuck so i cleaned it up, m'ok?... yeah, see, i can conform sometimes, but please don't look down on me for that) and that is understandable unless you are the one who is crazy enough to read every word i ever wrote (grow old along with me, no doubt) and actually feels compelled to do that (someone once tried, but i think it drove her mad and she needed a lot of counseling to get her life back after she left)... if you are laughing, well, then you are cool and i'd attend a funeral with you, but i prefer not to rubberneck at accidents, if that's ok...

so anyway, since we're here let's catch up a bit (you've got the comments section... just brush off the dust)... i've been incessantly mini-babbling in (e)thereal and most recently the real world has been cold and cruel as it often seems to be in my personal experience... almost two months ago jackson (yes, we still live together, must be about six or seven years now, though probably not for too much longer as she is in love and it seems to be working out better than any previous relationship for her) came to terms with her 16+ year old dog no longer able to enjoy life (he could barely walk ten feet without panting and stopping to rest and collapsed trying to poop and eat most of the time in the last weeks) and we made that tragic painful most difficult visit to the vet together and said goodbye... she is still sprinkling ashes in his favorite places around the state... and that made for a rather challenging october... and then november came around with a sledge hammer to the forehead as i got two tickets on the way to work (a power tripping cop was trying to provoke me) on the way to work where i was "let go" (not a good day all around) because i "was not a good fit" which is their way of saying they want to save money on my salary by leaving my position open for a couple of months which is a pattern with that organization so i am actually glad to be out of it though not having income is more stressful than ever... alas, feel free to send me job info if you are in the Orlando area... or money, money will be put to good use too (even as i laugh, it would be put to good use, really... like food and survival type stuff)... winning lottery tickets are very welcome as well...

sometimes life offers lemons
when you really don't want lemonade
the body doesn't need the sugar
so i shouldn't indulge too much

without income, life gets lonely
life is easier when we're paid
i don't want to end up on the street
but it's tough to keep in tough

when the news is bad
who really wants to hear it?
when the news is sad
i just grin and bear it

i gave up alcohol and drugs
so words are my great escape
i could use a few more hugs
but i'm in pretty poor shape

i don't like being around
people when i'm down
i'd rather be alone
than play the clown

yeah, so the timing of jackson moving out (won't be for another few months) is added stress as the wallet needs a roommate now more than ever and she is only recently starting to actually pay rent consistently (and i pay everything else) and there's the car payment and well, money stress sucks... more than money stress is the lonelies... with jackson so in love, she's almost never home (cuz she had a very busy life working two jobs and doing church stuff and a bowling league and more before she fell in love and really, who can compete with falling in love after all (though as her best friend, i really am happy she is happy and am doing my best to help her focus on making the relationship work which includes keeping my mopey poor-me lonelies and sad about unemployment and going mad having nothing to do and no one to talk to most days and stress to myself, so don't say anything, alright?)... no worries, i'm pretty sure she doesn't read this or any of my online writings... not just cause she is way too busy, but she just doesn't do the communication through words much... in that sense, she is yin to my yang, or my polar opposites... anyway, we get along so well i'm going to seriously miss her and finding another roommate as compatible may be quite the challenge, but hope, right?... gotta hope... optimism, it's all i've got left at the moment...

when i am down only the closest friend
is welcome to come inside
the superficial love of all the rest
doesn't find me where i hide

and when the closest friend is too busy
the best i can do is sigh
and distract myself with anything
oh look a squirrel just ran by

maybe i should reconsider getting high
but no, drug tests for new jobs would apply
i'll just lay back on the grass
and watch the cloud roll by

so what else is new?... softball is the shining star in life these days... here, see for yourself:

League--- Record .. Place/Rank ... RF ... RA ... RD ... ... Final Results

Monday------ 9-1 ... ... 1st ... ... 137 . 70 ... +67 ... ... Champs
Wednesday-- 9-1 ... ... 1st ... ... 150 . 60 ... +90 ... ... Champs
Friday------- 8-2 ... ... 2nd ... ... 132 . 69 ... +63 ... ... 2nd
Sunday----- 12-3 ... ... 1st ... ... 180 . 71 ... +109 ... ... Champs

Totals------ 38-7 ... . ... ... ... . ... 599 . 270 ... +329 ...

the seasons are over (except for one more championship game this week... we already won the league championship each league (except Friday) but has a championship tournament after the season too (except Friday, go figure)... thank goodness for softball as it is the only positive consistent spot in life these days and i definitely would be wallowing a lot more if i didn't have commitments to four teams out there each week... alas, that pauses now until january (withdrawals are already starting) and the holidays are coming... having no income sucks around the holidays... i do have one more weekend tournament in new orleans in two weeks... i almost pulled out of it but one of my teammates is paying my way (she is a blessing) so i can go... it is good to have friends... and friends i have not seen in many months and longer (because i was so buried in work and softball for the last couple of years) are popping up to get me out and feed me (two huge thanksgiving dinners this past weekend with two families at the first and a couple of dozen people at the second we warm and fuzzy (even though i do not celebrate thanksgiving, but that's another story) and yay for friends...

i could really use that cheerleader about now (save the cheerleader, save me :)

i know it's true that money can't buy you love
but would anyone fall in love with me this sub-par?
without any income and the years passing too quickly
and contingency plans include living in the car

the irony is i've taken in many people along the way
gave them a place to stay
never asked them to pay
fed them and bought them what they needed because it felt good to give
that is simply the way i choose to live

and now that i could use some help like that
i find myself alone
if i played guitar i'd put out a hat
and sit out on the cobblestone
singing songs hoping to inspire a smile
as i gently cry inside
hoping someone might see through to where
my heart curls up to hide

i don't want to be a burden on anyone
and that has nothing to do with pride
i just haven't found someone who gives like i do
on the life's roller coaster ride

so i'll pick myself up and brush myself off
and start all over again
hoping to find a friend
who might understand the way i am and appreciate me for me
that is simply the way i choose to be

yeah, so anyway be it irony or coincidence, contrary to the silliness in the current daily blog called (e)thereal, in case you forgot, the last time i asked the world for a cheerleader here in this babbling place (when this babbling place was seeing entries much more regularly), jackson showed up... so maybe someone who can be a best friend will show up out of the blue in the next few months and raise my spirits and a job will be found and we'll live happily ever after... or maybe someone will adopt me cuz they want me to sing and write to them all the time... yup, and winning lottery tickets are welcome, in case you forgot... i don't play when i have income, so it's a joke... unless, of course, you just happen to have an excess of money in your life in which case i will happily take the burden off your hands (or help you spend it) and certainly buy you a burger next tuesday...

maybe it's the date and time
that brings me back to rhyme
the anniversary of
the exploding love

when the one who was my dream come true
became someone i never knew
and ever since i've just tried to make it through
coming out of the blue

counting the years to see we're up to 42
is that the answer to
coming out of the blue?

not much more to ramble on about in this actual real life catch up entry... i actually don't want to spend much time thinking about actual real life these days as the distractions in the more than daily blog (e)thereal will demonstrate if you visit there... i ain't to proud to beg for attention these days... for what it's worth, i am writing a whole lot and not just there, the rhymes are flowing more and many of the written gardens are blooming (some rather strangely, but then, these are strange times as life is offering a strange brew of ups and downs lately... ego strokes are welcome (and they don't cost anything, ya know)?... this entry will be brought over to this blog and expounded on in the usual babbling fashion one of these days because i am curious about you followers out there... 17 of you, the stats tell me... i wonder... do i know any of you? :)

gonna hope for hoping
for hoping's all i've got
no one to share everything
no partner in this life

gonna keep on hoping
cuz that's my only shot
at finding someone who might be
the one to be my wife

and i know the loneliness has brought this on
and i know the joblessness has made me aware
of how lonely i am
and i know i am not really into conformity of any sort
but i want to care and find someone who will share
someone who can understand

who i am is just a man who wants to share everything
i imagine all the people living in peace and harmony
giving help to others is my greatest joy when i'm alone
sharing this joy would be the greatest joy i've known

so i'm gonna keep hoping
someone will come along
who understands who i am
and wants to sing the same song

gonna keep on hoping
this dream will come true
gonna keep on hoping
i find you

ah, the zinger comes right to the point in the end and hey, let's be real (this is RealTime™ after all), so please don't personalize the you in the last line of that last rhyme above... you, dear reader, are likely not the one i seek and romanticizing would be unfair to both of us... there are hundreds of pages that will give you much more specific information about being compatible with me and that is where you should start if you think you might be the one, the real world... run the miles with me, physically, you need to be able to run ahead of me sometimes... and actualize the whole of john lennon's imagine just for starters... every word, every line, no mind games, no denial, no delusion, no compromise... and you live to save the world more than i do in every action, every day, every breath... again, just the surface... the one will be a friend for a long time, so i'm gonna keep on hoping...

it's a time for reflection again (and deeper editing here too), apparently... and perhaps, a time for babble... though i must focus on the reality of finding income and not wallowing home alone so sitting and writing long hours is not wise... if anyone is out there reading, yay... let me know... and maybe i'll write some more here and not just in (e)thereal (where i will continue writing daily and more, in case you want to keep up with me)... even if you don't care or reach out or want to know me, i hope life is smiling in your world because the more smiles there are, the better this world is... and the world can definitely get better... take care of yourself and those you love...

and keep hoping :)