a bit about me

I've been sleeping a long time as some of you know if you've been reading me elsewhere... it's a metaphoric sleep, a way of saying I have been subdued... in a sense it's a kind of depression, though it's not your typical depression (as if there is one)... it's more of a choice to mourn losses, let wounds heal (or ignore scars), and wait (or put myself on hold) than what clinicians would diagnosis as despression, but the results are similar...

I ignore the obvious...

I repeat habits that are either unproductive or self-destructive...

and I pretend I do not care...

maybe I just defined depression, except, I suppose, that most people who are diagnosed with depression are not supposed to be as aware of the process (and conscious of the choices)... and maybe I am just distracting myself by indulging ego and playing on it's insecurities... and maybe I am addressing ego as something separate and attributing characteristics to it because I am separating myself from my own insecurity... and maybe this is an elaborately simple process of disassociation and distraction... and maybe I defined depression after all in spite of the rest of the game...

so I sleep a decent number of hours and wake up with clarity (shhh, I didn't mean her, but I appreciate the distraction and smile) and understand what I am doing and even, maybe, if I had the time to delve and wander the cliffs of the precarious balance between losing a mind to madness and toying with the idea, why I am doing it...

and for a little while I feel the foolishness and the euphoria of understanding and knowing I control the power to do as I wish and I specifically feel the results of the bad habits and do not repeat them, but only for a little while...

then I give in and go back to ignoring the results...

as much as I can...

being aware is kind of like cheating and very much a punishment I give myself for continuing to repeat the behavioral loop...

maybe it's this way for others and maybe they know too and hide it well or simply do not discuss it or put it into words and maybe they are unaware... in any case, another day of not going to the gym and eating more than the body needs ignoring parts of my mind that are gathering dust (and cells deteriorating) and accepting the wait...

Godot might be laughing...

at least I am J








PS... proof of life is a good thing, even if things are not ideal, which is why I enjoy the ride even though I am not completely awake and not doing my best and lingering in the waiting room another day... and now, it is time to shower and head to work... there's always hope that tomorrow (or in the next moment), I will make a different decision and everything will change...

until then, I enjoy it all as much as I can (and that's a whole lot)...

and I hope you do too J