get over

in the end the same is true for me and you and you and you and if you dare to doubt or fear you better make love before you're out of here or your memory will disappear... or your ego, whichever is smaller... meanwhile, all i ever wanted was to be loved...

but then, it's all so true, i really should get over myself, i mean, what's the point of all this introspective self-mocking narcissistic babble when nobody takes it seriously (oh i know you enjoy it and you take it seriously when you come to read, but i am referring to the daily life sharing partnership that two people share type of serious and we just don't go there cuz we are not there and that's simple reality which doesn't diminish your importance to me, but does remind me that there is a missing space beside me in bed each night and all the words and websites on the net combined can not fill that spacen no matter how good the fantasies might be... ahem, i was being serious, so somebody to tell me to stop laughing at myself)...

fact is, when i want to be, i am out socializing and playing with dozens of people every week and they smile and hug and call me by name and most are in my phone cuz they've called at one time or another and some call regularly... life is so much less lonely and isolated than it was during the years i lived and breathed toronto, not allowing any relationship to begin or job to get serious because i was always ready to drop everything and head to the bus station or airport (ah, the miserable idjit, as opposed to the happy idiot that jackson browne made famous and i am playing daily for a limited engagement right now)... and yet, the ideal perfectionist in me (as opposed to the ideal imperfectionist, i suppose, or is that the un-ideal perfectionist, anyway, seeks to re-weave the tapestry and find all the puzzle pieces because the threads and missing pieces are truths untold, unfinished business, the stuff of hauntings and neurosis and worse (luckily i haven't quite been there yet, but then, i'm strange that way as you may well know and guess what, this very introspective self-mocking narcissistic babble is how i stay out of the asylums and nightmares, so dangit if anything will change much here)...

where was we?... or i, being realistic for a moment, it's all about me and only i know what i am talking about and where i left off, really... i appreciate you following the bouncing ball and sonetimes making some sense out of all the words... and i don't mean every entry is incomprehensible or even that every entry contains incomprehensible stuff (though every entry does contain missed references only cuz nobody know all the references besides me, which is kind of the point of writing all this stuff out here on the web after all, so it's here when and if the one comes along, but that's another tangent proving another point and we were somewhere else at the moment so let's get back there, wherever it was)... in fact, many entries here there and everywhere have only traces of me sprinkled throughout and the theme and bulk of the words related to others cuz i love browsing life on and offline and rambling on about the abstractions my mind finds in the obsrvances... kind of like what a sunday sermon is made of, i suppose, only different...

and yes, i was mixing metaphors in the title, of course you noticed... i was musing over the missing pieces and loose threads that i find when i look at this life as a puzzle or tapestry... some damage may not be reparable and some is likely never to be repaired due to the choices of other (cuz some damage requires another or others to repair)... like i doubt amy will ever reconnect or even remember the threads torn and pieces lost all those years ago (time to dust off the old sgt pepper's cd?... so many amusing references only i get, so full on myself are these blogs, but then, what else do i have to find or create me in this life?... ahhh, how the normal humans take for granted the bonds and experiences they had and have... but then, i would not trade my awareness for their ignorance and experiences any day even if nobody ever understands just what i mean)...

the missing pieces and loose threads (and torn to shred areas) are a discomfort to me... the fact that people could care less about the interwoven tapestries they are part of in other lives (or the fact that their tapestries (or puzzles) are so damaged is a sad reflection of the lack of awareness and even more sad, in some cases chosen ignorance that is so prevalent in human culture, especially in the west (though i don't know much about the daily life intimacies of the east, i suppose)... and i like the discomfort for one main reason, because it gives me a sense of who i am (and who i might have been had i bonded more with humans and created a human personality like most all the other normal humans do and did... the moment i am comfortable with the ignorance and incomplete picture i will know it's time to shuffle off this mortal coil, or at least into the nursing home or asylum where i can do nothing but watch tv, play games, babble on, and masturbate to my hearts content until the day this body dies... get over that (pardon my laughter if you don't see the images and concepts in my head and you find nothing amusing in my babble tonight)...

and so casually i slip in a link to the map of the web world that contains the maze that would be me if someone ever helped me find all the pieces and put the puzzle back together... Aaaa, what a world, what a world... yes, and there is still some music playing in spite of the losses and time passing...

there is still magic to be found, somewhere in stacks and the trust of muses, you will find your way and i will mine and in the end, we'll find out together the true difference between life and death, really, just enjoy what you've got cuz everything changes and could at any moment... and try to relax, you'll live longer...