dunno

should be sleeping, so i ate some chocolate, nestle's crunch may be my the one above them all cuz if i were to have had a favorite chocolate candy list (like a billboard top 100 hits list, ya know?) from the time i was born until now, nestle's crunch woul;d probably be the longest running top ten chocolate candy of them all... and maybe the most years at number one too, cuz it was number one for a while... someday i will have to have so much luxurious free time that i compile lists like that again... wonder what happened to the ones i used to know...

when you send words through the mail
do you let them go?
do you ever think you might really want
to read them once again?
when you put yourself into the words
how can you let them go?
it's like giving up a part of you
to a trusted friend
the connect never ends
and the gift returns
when your friend reminds you of who you are
and all you have learned

or something like that... so i bleary-eyed sit here goofy from fatigue and a floaty kind of numbness tickles muscles in my arms as i wiggle a few fingers to type words upon the screen so we can keep in touch, keep in touch, you know what that means?... a billion words expressing the same dream... it's lost ijn the words, but still all about the music...

whatever could the words mean though if they mean anything we want them to mean and we could have at least a few different meanings each for each word and then the words all piled together increase the potential differences exponentially and oh, the place we could go... just two inches, maybe two and a half inches above the left side of the right knee the skin is agonizing over what appears to be chigger bites, a gift from the swamps of florida when i went wandering the native habitat one night a week or so ago... that was fun, even if we didn't see a herd of deer in the field in the moonlight in the darkness in the middle of nowhere...

random thoughts pop through the think fog blanket smothering the brain as sleep begs for some attention and loneliness demands i stay awake because, after all, i don't want to mis a thing (thank you aerosmith, for articulating the madness of my nocturnalness so excruciatingly well)... maybe someone understands, maybe even cares enough to act on the understanding, after all this time, all these years of waiting in the dark in the fog in the lost hope that there must be a reason, a good reason, for taking the power i gave and pushing the hold button on the life i live and forgetting, or just wandering off to enjoy another life while i sat on hold... alas, the hope redeemed, but then, there is no getting back the years or the time or the youth, whetever was left, and what might have been if i wasn't on hold... listen children, and learn this lesson well, don't give your power to anyone else, create your own heaven or hell... it's better in the end to have no one to blame or thank, but yourself...

i want more chocolate... i want comfort food... so not hungry... so bloated... so tired... and softball tomorrow night and why don't i sleep... sleep, the final frontier... why is why... cuz i want to know why i am alone and why nobody is here to cuddle and breath and share the air and cuddle and dreams and waking up together... two bodies breathing in unison, living so closely that they start sharing the cycles, the circadian rhythms, the energies of life... one following the other then reversing roles, the one more awake or more asleep, the one more in need of the physical change taking the lead... that is love... sharing... bonding... being as one... maybe i'm a dreamer... chocolate...

i was that close to a couple of people along the way... in the brief year amy and i were together, in the stolen moments after dark, we breathed as one... that was the magic... and then, for all the lack of falling on my part, sandy and i blended energies when i was finally tired enough and it was a sweet decade of always having someone to curl up with and cuddle with and pass out with and wake up with and why am i so in tune with the constant craving of loneliness tonight?... inspired by pj's birthday, perhaps... and the children i adopted along the way, so easy to just relax and be comfortably numb, sleep and dream... and then, in keeping with the extremities of the night, the innocence crashes into a more sensual looneliness and i realize how far i've come from physical love as the monty python skit that ends with the line, what's it like? flashes through my brain...

so many years on hold for the two people i gave it all to... two decades on hold... and i've forgotten how to get off...

it's not as funny as the words make it (if you found the reason i crumbled into a pile of laughter a moment ago)... the the sings from naked self which leads me back to goo and most specifically, ash (as ashes to ashes reverbs through the semi-funeral of this life i heard under most rambles and then, the cast of rent burst into bohemia and the theatrical me flies through the ethereal night in my mind as if i've never been asleep or on hold or mostly dead, even...

introspective little bugger, this entry might be, aye yoda?...

i wish i never got thrown out of canada.. i really used to love liking feeling that somewhere deep down i was canadian... it just always seemed like sich a great place to be, except for the cold... i don't want any more cold in this life... i want more chocolate... and sleep, i so feel the physical need for sleep... but my heart, maria, but my heart... and yes, good ol' q9 knows, the show must go on... and maybe england is the place for me, since smash is such a good hearted friend from across the water (madmen?... of course we are)... and then dear pernickety who feels closer than can be as we hardly know each other, but the comfort is wonderful somehow... dot dsot dot dash dash dash dot dot dot?... play words play... and the missing, who know who they are, are missed... and others, hanging out on the fringe, why don't you come on in?... didn't get thrown out of canada too, did you?... oh, canada...

and a lyric haunts me now... so often lyrics haunt me when i stumble around in the dark near my core... these are the days of my... what?... was it indifference?... was it kon kan?... oh yes, blessed memory and even more, blessed google and even more, blessed web journals i've been writing for a decade... it was kon kan and it was these are the days of my solitude... as one year ended and another began and i was reading friday and kind of falling in love and still, remembering, day after day, and still imagining a world where such open minds might exist and falling in love with fantasy once again... and the heartbeats,.... more chocolate...

even the chocolate is imaginary tonight as i drink pink grapefruit juice and savor the sweetness... are you still reading?... and just who were you, who was i talking to back then... better yet, when did you stop being a real person from memory and start being an imaginary person i hoped would find me... that is a question for the ages and perhaps, for you too... as the wise and wonderful z0tl would say, you doesn't always mean you in the internet... or something like that... but he'd say it with so much more caustic flavor... i miss you z, wherever you are, hope life is fun and peaceful...

so instead of giving in to nodding off four or more hours ago, i roamed a bit of aimlesness and rambled on between staring at blank walls in and around my mind and this entry is the result... may it provide you with at least some modicum of amusement and not merely be an exercise in futility and time-passing as it may or may not have been for me... of course you know i found it amm emusing... amusing emotion, amusing emo, emusing, the next great genre of the next great generation... timothy leary told me so...

may you find joy and peace tonight and if you are lucky, may you be loved well...

nite nite :)