eighteen minutes is nothing

MUSIC: The The - Blue Burning Soul

a bit of shopping (as if there is no change in the monthly budget, aye?) and after spending enough for a laptop on food and bug defense stuff and computer gear (yes, i splurged on a wireless network card so when i motivate myself to drive down to the pool, or walk, though it's several buildings away and this laptop is not quite portable and is very likely to overheat in the hot humid night air and i also splurged on a 4gb flash drive and a 250gb itty bitty external hard drive and something else, though i forget what and i am not arms length from the bag... can we say stationary?)... and some easily reheatable food from Chipotle and Too-Jays and some rice milk and spinach and lettuce and healthier stuff for the transition (but for the moment, too-jays desserts are all there is in the world, yum, and the keyboard, of course, because if i type between bites the cakes last longer and i don't feel like i am indulging only myself... ever have a too-jays dessert?... banana dream, chocolate layer, and killer chocolate, a threesome that will take years off the life of the normal mortal human...

so where are you, orlando?...

yes, a local blog... that is what is missing... a place where locals can find me babbling away so they can call or come over and drag me away from the keyboard... wasn't that always the point of the blog in the first place?... i mean, sure, it was a way to pour my heart out, to bleed all over the world through words on the net, to beg for someone to help me back into canada (maybe i should have asked the human's god) with the capital g, but i was trying to stay grounded in reality, ya know?... you know the secret to getting into heaven, don't you?... it's knowing how to make the old fool laugh so hard he farts and causes solar flares... yeah, i know, nobody wants me in their pew... what?... where do you think the best puns come from?... the great pun-isher in the sky, naturally... i'll stop now before i'm smited or something for too much laughter hurts, ya know?)...

so that about eliminates 95% of the humans who might read this blog and probably about 99.99% of the locals in this church on every corner mickey mouse town... it must be all the sugar and chocolate, it is making the brain bounce around in the head and all sorts of dust is billowing out the ears... could be the music as well, i mean, you'll be privy to the soundtrack of the life as long as i remember to include it as i continue this new surge of daily blogging (offline, but still, in realtime and how better to be e-the-real,... i am real, here, now, reaching out with words into the ether, into the energy that connects us all and eventually, you will be able to find these wrods (words too) on the e-lectric (neat tric, the e-lect-ric) superhighway (not that i am lecturing anybody) we loving call the internet or, the web... and maybe you felt the energy before you read the words because you knew i was pouring myself out into words cuz that is what i do when i am alone in my own space (how few may be around who remember, how are you and, as the moody blues would ask, who are you now?)...

i may be deliberately avoiding (or simply not choosing) the music of my core soundtrack... maybe cuz it would remind me of the tapes... fifty, sixty, who knows how many mix tapes that recorded me and my journey through this life... songs that were triggers for my psyche ordered in some secret key-sequence that turned on parts of the brain... seemingly innocuous dusty old pieces of plastic that were left behind simply as a test of trust for humanity... humans have proven untrustworthy more consistently than any species i've known... so why would i want to remember such a sad reality, especially when i do not have the time to do it right, to do the memory dance, to dig through the scar tissue and perform plastic surgery on the wounds (memory is what we make of it, after all, just like shooting the arrow and paiting the target around where it lands, for those who understand)...

nixon had eighteen freaking minutes of relatively random conversation missing and the world was in an uproar... imagine losing sixty nine hours - or more - of the intimate keys to the soul of a psyche... you don't want the truth, you couldn't handle the truth (that's what always sends them running, silly humans, truth is for kids)... and amazement swims in those bright green eyes... it's the dark brown ones that'll scare the living daylight out of ya... whatever happened to the photos, come to think of it... the memories, the secrets, the magic, the me i used to know... where did it go... where did it go...

and it is also quite likely that i am choosing the cds closest at hand, which is the bag right next to this chair out of the six bags of cds bearby... i did start with harry, but it was the only harry visible and i did look for more, but decided that the muses of the universe have set the cd bags down as they are and i ought to see what random forces might bring to the ears and mind... and radiohead and the the, what an ironic choice (and it just goes to prove the energy of the sense of humor always wins - whatever we might call it... if the mirror of god is dog, what would tac be?... something out of a seven volume stephen king novel, perhaps... in any case, words are the playground of the sensient being... what's up with you?)...

decades of writing, how have i changed, is there a spirit, is it rearranged
what about style, and flavor and hue, how much is ego and how much is you?
who can remember, who is still here, where did they all go, will they re-appear
what magic can summon the old energy to reach through the ether for those who knew me

just want to know how much i've changed
just want to know if i still care
i think i do, i think i do, i think i do
the little engine that could is still here

is there anybody going to listen to the story...

paradox 3.5

MUSIC: Radiohead - The Bends

ok then, we return (you'll get here when you get here... actually, this was yesterday, but there were a few of them) and while there is no such complete explanation or direct connectivity (yet) as there may or may not have been once upon a time (paradox # 3.5, nyuk nyuk, if only the threads would connect, we've have hope for a tapestry again... whatever happened to carole king, anyway?... meanwhile, back in the entry), however... there is already much more cohesion within even if it does not become evident right off the bat or anytime soon, even... that is a paradox and perhaps, the reason for the title of this entry, though just one of them and not the primary, for what it's worth... once upon a time i kept an up-to-date table of contents (aka toc)... sometimes i wish it was here... all the missing words, some stolen, some left behind with someone out of touch, some left behind with someone who discarded them or someone refusing to return even copies for my continuity, some stuck on computers not plugged in or not operating at the moment, so many words, so little time, another paradox, perhaps...

there was a time i might have though a paradox was going to see two doctors at one time or at least two physicians sharing an office, but then, i tended to amuse myself with words long before i knew what i was doing (as if i do now?)... in any case, there is a sense of loss and a sense of gain today as i sit alone and naked in my new space for the very first time without any obligations appointments or tasks to do today (except get some food for myself)... i feel a wonderful bliss that comes from privacy and control over my environs (a word i use mostly to mean the immediate, mostly indoor, living environment... you might have noticed it before and if i did not define it, well, there ya go)... i feel a happy excitement at the prospect of taking my time to build this space, starting with unpacking and continuing as i keep my eye open for stuff i want to put in this space (and i realized last night while talking to a muse that the last time i lived in an unshared space {more than ten years ago if we do not count the rooms i rented in hotels or the boarding house on river road up north where i did not have time or inclination to do anything except sleep there), i was in a very different mindset about the space... while the bliss of privacy and excitement of a new space was prevalent, the excitement of actually moving in and creating the environs was absent as it was virtually completely dependent, in my mind, on the one... now, i feel no need to wait for anyone as i look around and decide what to do (paint walls different colors?... furniture?... art on the walls?... all the questions are open for decisions now, instead of on hold as they once were... that is at once good and sad, but i'll take the good without skipping a step cuz it's my life and there's less of it left to share now so it's about time i started playing with my own environs instead of waiting for a partner... you lose, partner, alas, we lose, but that's life... now, instead of two infants crawling out into the world on a blank slate together as equals, you'll just have to listen to me sing take me as i am as you pay the rent... amused at the reference even as i experience the wistful smile of farewell to another long time waiting for a dream)...

and another wistful smile purses my lips as i no longer have ms word 2007 to play with (i tricked myself into opening and closing the last incarnation of the trail of the software just moments ago as i explored the possibility of inserting a ms word table into this wordpad in order to start a new toc and it almost worked, except that now it is locked for any typing and can only be opened in read-only mode, so it's not much of an updatable toc, now is it?... bill gates wants his money (and a ridiculously inflated price it is for software, but then, once we buy into the free os thinking how cool, it's free, we are left with little alternative other than to suck on the teat of the corporation... i am not sure if mac or linux or other software is as expensive (or as feature-filled, and i do use many of the features ms office software offers and do not feel like spending thousands of dollars to see if the others might accommodate my needs because thousands of dollars when there is the possibility that it will not work for me does not seem like a prudent investment at this time)... so i shall decide between installing ms office 2003 or trying 2007 on an uninstall and reinstall when i make the time and then, decide on whether i need a new laptop (which will wait for the att wireless card to see if it works and if it is fast enough to satisfy me as i am told it is limited to 3gps and i believe i have been used to faster connection speeds, dangit, and i want faster than i've had, not slower, double dangit... and these are some of the thoughts running around and falling out of my brain at this moment as i wake and sit in my living space for the first time with nothing mandatory to do today (the scheduled day of complete rest has come and it's sweet that the moving plan almost went completely according to plan, but then, it had to, didn't it)...

i am hungry and the third CD playing in this new environs has ended, so i am considering lifting this body into the shower (yes, the shower curtain is finally up... the old one which i like, but can use replacing as it is old and has some stains and stiffness from the daily battle between mold, mildew, soap scum, and the tilex monster that eats such stuff, not to mention the baby powder {the outer curtain is black and i am a baby powder baby... i am considering putting it on in the tub, but stepping back into the tub after drying off completely, which includes some air dry time, ya know, is a habit i have not started to this point}... but as this bathroom is now the only bathroom in the space and i am not opposed to having guests over and i am not one to rush around scrubbing the place before every guest comes in, i shall consider changing some habits that will keep the place cleaner... not that baby power is dirty... this mental discussion is taking up too much time, so whatever will be will be) and going out to buy some food for this place as there is not much here... no bread, only water to drink, some tuna and soup (somewhere in the boxes), and in the fridge - sliced cheese, mayo, and some rather old veggies and veggie patties in the freezer that may or may not be to my likely depending on how much freezer burn has occurred... i usually each freezer burn stuff anyway though, cuz i rarely waste edible food... anyway, time to stretch again and head out for food...