paradox 3.5

MUSIC: Radiohead - The Bends

ok then, we return (you'll get here when you get here... actually, this was yesterday, but there were a few of them) and while there is no such complete explanation or direct connectivity (yet) as there may or may not have been once upon a time (paradox # 3.5, nyuk nyuk, if only the threads would connect, we've have hope for a tapestry again... whatever happened to carole king, anyway?... meanwhile, back in the entry), however... there is already much more cohesion within even if it does not become evident right off the bat or anytime soon, even... that is a paradox and perhaps, the reason for the title of this entry, though just one of them and not the primary, for what it's worth... once upon a time i kept an up-to-date table of contents (aka toc)... sometimes i wish it was here... all the missing words, some stolen, some left behind with someone out of touch, some left behind with someone who discarded them or someone refusing to return even copies for my continuity, some stuck on computers not plugged in or not operating at the moment, so many words, so little time, another paradox, perhaps...

there was a time i might have though a paradox was going to see two doctors at one time or at least two physicians sharing an office, but then, i tended to amuse myself with words long before i knew what i was doing (as if i do now?)... in any case, there is a sense of loss and a sense of gain today as i sit alone and naked in my new space for the very first time without any obligations appointments or tasks to do today (except get some food for myself)... i feel a wonderful bliss that comes from privacy and control over my environs (a word i use mostly to mean the immediate, mostly indoor, living environment... you might have noticed it before and if i did not define it, well, there ya go)... i feel a happy excitement at the prospect of taking my time to build this space, starting with unpacking and continuing as i keep my eye open for stuff i want to put in this space (and i realized last night while talking to a muse that the last time i lived in an unshared space {more than ten years ago if we do not count the rooms i rented in hotels or the boarding house on river road up north where i did not have time or inclination to do anything except sleep there), i was in a very different mindset about the space... while the bliss of privacy and excitement of a new space was prevalent, the excitement of actually moving in and creating the environs was absent as it was virtually completely dependent, in my mind, on the one... now, i feel no need to wait for anyone as i look around and decide what to do (paint walls different colors?... furniture?... art on the walls?... all the questions are open for decisions now, instead of on hold as they once were... that is at once good and sad, but i'll take the good without skipping a step cuz it's my life and there's less of it left to share now so it's about time i started playing with my own environs instead of waiting for a partner... you lose, partner, alas, we lose, but that's life... now, instead of two infants crawling out into the world on a blank slate together as equals, you'll just have to listen to me sing take me as i am as you pay the rent... amused at the reference even as i experience the wistful smile of farewell to another long time waiting for a dream)...

and another wistful smile purses my lips as i no longer have ms word 2007 to play with (i tricked myself into opening and closing the last incarnation of the trail of the software just moments ago as i explored the possibility of inserting a ms word table into this wordpad in order to start a new toc and it almost worked, except that now it is locked for any typing and can only be opened in read-only mode, so it's not much of an updatable toc, now is it?... bill gates wants his money (and a ridiculously inflated price it is for software, but then, once we buy into the free os thinking how cool, it's free, we are left with little alternative other than to suck on the teat of the corporation... i am not sure if mac or linux or other software is as expensive (or as feature-filled, and i do use many of the features ms office software offers and do not feel like spending thousands of dollars to see if the others might accommodate my needs because thousands of dollars when there is the possibility that it will not work for me does not seem like a prudent investment at this time)... so i shall decide between installing ms office 2003 or trying 2007 on an uninstall and reinstall when i make the time and then, decide on whether i need a new laptop (which will wait for the att wireless card to see if it works and if it is fast enough to satisfy me as i am told it is limited to 3gps and i believe i have been used to faster connection speeds, dangit, and i want faster than i've had, not slower, double dangit... and these are some of the thoughts running around and falling out of my brain at this moment as i wake and sit in my living space for the first time with nothing mandatory to do today (the scheduled day of complete rest has come and it's sweet that the moving plan almost went completely according to plan, but then, it had to, didn't it)...

i am hungry and the third CD playing in this new environs has ended, so i am considering lifting this body into the shower (yes, the shower curtain is finally up... the old one which i like, but can use replacing as it is old and has some stains and stiffness from the daily battle between mold, mildew, soap scum, and the tilex monster that eats such stuff, not to mention the baby powder {the outer curtain is black and i am a baby powder baby... i am considering putting it on in the tub, but stepping back into the tub after drying off completely, which includes some air dry time, ya know, is a habit i have not started to this point}... but as this bathroom is now the only bathroom in the space and i am not opposed to having guests over and i am not one to rush around scrubbing the place before every guest comes in, i shall consider changing some habits that will keep the place cleaner... not that baby power is dirty... this mental discussion is taking up too much time, so whatever will be will be) and going out to buy some food for this place as there is not much here... no bread, only water to drink, some tuna and soup (somewhere in the boxes), and in the fridge - sliced cheese, mayo, and some rather old veggies and veggie patties in the freezer that may or may not be to my likely depending on how much freezer burn has occurred... i usually each freezer burn stuff anyway though, cuz i rarely waste edible food... anyway, time to stretch again and head out for food...