internet socialization

today i was awakened to a request for money and a drive to see a car... we stopped at the bank and i took out some money, then went to the car and i checked it and drove it and found it needed at least a few hundred, possibly more than a thousand dollars work to be safe to drive... so we went looking for another car, but everything was closed...

then we went to dinner, then home where i fell asleep while the tv played football and the Precious came home and woke me by turning on the kitchen light... it's still on a few hours later...

yesterday i pondered the feeling of underappreciation and unintentional disrespect (as you might have noticed in the catchup entries written yesterday) and realize that it is my choice to feel that way and the feeling is more based on foolish self-depreciating thoughts than on external actions... maybe the words about homelessness and the comment they inspired influenced my thoughts that are becoming this entry, though i wish to try to sleep tonight so i will try to keep this brief and stay focused, even though Precious wants to talk and share some new music she just found…

me-time is rare in life these days, which might also influence the feeling i was pondering yesterday that is returning from a different perspective today…

i enjoy giving and sharing… it is one of the best feelings, maybe the best feeling i know in this life… and i am foolish for letting that feeling be in any way diminished by anything anyone else does… the feeling is dependent on no one… unless i become confused and lower my self-esteem and convince myself that my worth is somehow dependant on someone else… which is a stupid choice… so it feels wonderful to remember this and stop choosing the stupid choice…

if only this realization would not falter from time to time, aye?...

and this lead to (or was influenced by) thoughts of internet socializations… the comments we leave each other matter a lot because we give them power, we let each other become real in our lives based on the trust we place in each other's words… and even though there are those who pretend to be what they are not out here on the net, we take a leap of faith and believe in each other… and it feels good, often, wonderful, to find words from each other in comments to our entries…

and in my wonderings, i started wondering why we visit each other and why we leave comments… is it a voyeuristic thing or is it to find out about each other or is it to read our own responses or is it in the hope we might get comments back to our own entries or some of all of that or something else entirely… and then i started wondering why i continue to visit people who never seem to visit me and that answered at least one of my questions for myself… i enjoy reading about people who interest me even if they don't take the time to visit me, even if they don't care about me at all…

and i noticed that for some reason people stay in a specific domain much of the time… people who commented regularly and care about me at my diaryland diary who still write there regularly rarely visit me here even when i visit them and leave them comments cuz i choose to care about them… people who welcome me at myspace whenever i am there rarely visit me here… it happens with other domains too… they seem to want me to visit them and leave comments, but the domain thing seems to keep us apart… and yet, it's as easy as clicking on a link, isn't it?...

that seems weird to me, even a bit amusing and sad at the same time… maybe it's the distance or the superficiality of the internet… maybe it's the comfort of a domain set up… whatever the reason, i list a whole lot of people on the right sidebar because i enjoy their writing and when i have time, i visit and comment regardless of where they call home on the web… and i appreciate you few who continue reading and commenting here…

people who care show it… but we do not have time to show it as much as we might like to, so we learn how not to care as much… we find habits comfortable and fit in some daily visits to people and that becomes a habit and we somehow don't think as much about those we forget to visit daily because they are not in our habit… we may want to care more, but time and offline distractions get in the way of follow through on the caring as a verb…

so should we take that as not appreciating us or as disrespect?... i don't think so… i think we, humans in general, depend too much on others for our self-esteem and happiness… that may be a contributing factor to the whole religion thing that shifts personal responsibility from self to others, but that's another side-trip through the thought process that i should not follow at the moment because i did want to sleep tonight and side-tracking leads to the foibles of babbling on and on and not sleeping… so let's just consider that happiness comes from within and we only need what we want…

so if you want to live, you need food, shelter, warmth… if you want to love and be loved by others, you need others who interact with love… if you want to depend on others to determine your value in your mind, you need to give others that power… and so on…

sure i want you and all the people listed on the right to read my words, respect me, and feel inspired to respond... sure i want you to value my writing... sure i want you to read every entry (especially when i dump a bunch out here at once) as if it is important, thought-provoking, profound, or at least wonderfully amusing...

but if i feel unappreciated or bad about myself when there are no comments or when people do not visit me here, i am being foolish and missing something inside of me... forgetting i love, respect, admire, and appreciate myself diminishes me and you and fogs up everything... i like it when the fog lifts...

i hope you do not give me too much power over you because i prefer to be in this self-sufficient state of mind where it is wonderful to see you and hear from you, but my self-esteem and worth does not depend on you and if i do not visit you for days or weeks or longer, that does not mean you are worth less… i hope we respect each other, but find our personal strength and security and self-esteem inside… then we can share the wonderful feeling of knowing the entries we write and comments and respect we leave each other are of value regardless of responses…

and the responses feel even better because we can enjoy each other without judging ourselves…

and that is the pondering i did today about internet socialization…

how about you? :)