how hope grows

reading john's blog inspired this:


we should all be arrested
based on our moral laws
the holiest religious man
preach a word that never was
cuz we do not actualize it
we pretend to be good
human beings are parasites
and i wish that i could
say "no, not me"
but i too am swallowed by apathy

living on the edge is the song that plays
shame is hardly felt these days
as connected as the world can be
with mass media and satellite tv
this story hardly made the news
nobody wants to walk in those shoes
i wish i could say, no, not me
but the truth is the truth
even if i don't want to see
we live the crime of apathy

the charge is: apathy


... and i know it's wrong...

... maybe someday i'll find the words to wake myself and everybody else up...

... maybe someday i'll even finish this song...

..

and then, reading janie's blog inspired it to grow a little to this:

ah, if only there was more time and bandwidth (and connection speed) i would visit more often these days, but traveling light (on a slow aircard) keeps me distant on the web... i used to have a 718 number, 102st st, 42nd st, caton, and a 212 number on e4th (positively, 4th) for a while too... memories...

thank you for shouting out for the cause...
thank you for providing visual manna in the wilderness of careless glitter...
thank you for slapping apathy in the face...

hope lives.


.
.
.

a friend just inspired me to think and the following words popped out... maybe somebody will take them and run with them, build on them, turn them into something more meaningful and powerful and ... words can be a force for change in the right hands...

my hands are busy juggling daily life these days (alas, and all that)... maybe i've learned to enjoy the irony of self-mockery too much :}


for what it's worth...


we should all be arrested
based on our moral laws
the holiest religious man
preach a word that never was
cuz we do not actualize it
we pretend to be good
human beings are parasites
and i wish that i could
say "no, not me"
but i too am swallowed by apathy
complacency
re-history

living on the edge is the song that plays
shame is hardly felt these days
as connected as the world can be
with mass media and satellite tv
this story hardly made the news
nobody wants to walk in those shoes
i wish i could say, no, not me
but the truth is the truth
even if i don't want to see
we live the crime of apathy

the charge is: apathy


... and i know it's wrong...

... maybe someday i'll find the words to wake myself and everybody else up...

... maybe someday i'll even finish this song...

damned ADHD



and well i wonder... yes i wonder... is laughing at myself for this so wrong?
when deep inside i still can sing this song

almost over

the time on the net, that is... after amazing you with comment responses (ego feels good tonight, he farts passively at anyone who can't take a joke... or was that gleefully?), i come here with a heavy heart cuz this just may be farewell again for a while... i'll be at day two of re-training for a job that isn't mine tomorrow and then, tomorrow night either wander around miami a bit or take my time driving up the coast back to orlando to return the rental car thursday morning and then, i'll check the mail to see if the wireless card is in the mailbox and if att set up my new service yet... if not, i'll call and stick my tongue out at them...

i will miss you each moment i am away, dear words and images that amuse and seduce and entertain and fuel my imagination and keep me company when i am alone in space...

i'll miss you people too :)

oh, and since i am flipping the world the bird with love and giggles, if you love me you'll fly to LA to tell Zoe what a fool she is for not knowing i am the coolest grape she's never peeled and if she wanted me for hot wild sex i would make her wait until she could bear waiting no more (which would give me time to get into better shape, but don't tell her that cuz it's not nearly as irreverently seductive, ya know?) and proceed to rock her world one skin cell at a time... and then we'd start making love on the inside for the first and last and only time cuz it would never end...

and then she sings:

oh burning man, you light my fire,
see me dancing on the high wire
oh silly goose, you turn me on
so much all sense and reason gone
all i can do is melt in your arms
the puddle you make of me with your charms
is almost as sweet as the laughter you inspire
(as i try to sing this song)
oh burning man, you fill me with desire
now how can we go wrong?

yeah, so, less threatening strangers have inspired no less and it sure beats masturbating alone, but leave us not give all the secrets away in one gasp, or gulp, even... you see what a little lusting in the afternoon can do?... she was almost adorable, a south american cutie who sat and chatted and laughed during lunch and dinner and had me imagining what kissing was like (among other things)... so naturally i thanked Zoe for sending her to me because she does those things and after all, who else should i thank, i don't have a dog, after all... or a horn, for that matter... if you were expecting this to make sense, well, it does, but you don't have to know that even if you want to pretend you do for a moment or two just so nobody notices you are completely or at least partially lost... cuz i'm living in the moment and loving every minute of it, yeah... wait, a moment is shorter than a minute, isn't it?... but then, who's counting?...

so you say you want a rhyme or two, well what if i wrote one for you and one for me and one for someone else (that would make three) for starters... praise is making my eyes water, though i just yawned so that helped too, but the thought that there is hope for even the most broken among us is definitely a rainbow through tears... if only there was someone to curl up with tonight, then everything would almost really be alright, still and all i'm loving every moment today, as fantasy leads me back to reality and maybe me and myself (and i?) can find a moment to come out to play... after i blow my nose, that is... cuz like someone, i think his name is don, once sang, it's all about forgiveness yeah, even if...

sleep would be good now...

till, whenever :}

cuz i love you

really, that's why... i mean, why i am here again... it is after 2am and i tomorrow is an early and full day at work and then a wine tasting and movie tomorrow night and saturday morning a 40 minute drive to a 7am 5K run and then a dinner group in the evening and then superbowl sunday and then another busier than ever (or at least in many years) week at work and play (just look at the calendar on the right that i just updated... yay for a busy life, even if i enjoy it all by myself just like most everybody else) and fun fun fun cuz that's what love is for and all...

wish you could share some of this...

of course it would all be infinitely more fun and magnificent if there was a partner in fun beside me sharing everything we both do together and aprt cuz that's what love is for all the more, but never forgetting this is the blessing that brings me back to the hopeful euphoria that keeps me enjoying the moment with blissful glee and quietly giggling and never surrendering... hope is the second most powerful force, after all, right behind love...

so no matter what, nothing else matters... whether you hit bottom or are flying high in this life, all you need is faith in yourself and the awareness that hope is the power that rises above all else when love is not shared just as you'd like... and with faith in hope, life is wonderful because you can enjoy the moment knowing you could find your dreams at any moment as you enjoy the journey...

maybe one of these days i'll pick apart the calendar and babble on about each of the activities listed there, or at least scribble a few lines about each... for now, i just wanted you to know i appreciate you and love and the kid is alright... me, good, i mean... and since your comments inspired me to come here and write tonight, i shall share the comment you inspired that brought me here (with, you guessed it, peanut gallery commentary) and then (cuz it's never enough, as Patty Smyth said), i shall slip in a couple or few typically me meetup messages i sent today... cuz meetup is the primary reaon for a much more active social life these days, after all... anyway, remember this?

we won we won WE WON! :)

yes, and I pitched and struck out at least six (shoulda counted) and only walked one in the last inning and we won, YAY us!...

it was a seriously cool feeling to remember how to pitch softball and while i've got a way to go before i get back to where i once was, if i could, i felt comfortable out there most of the time and the team rallied for the first time to score thirteen runs... we scored eight runs in the first three games and gave up fifty five... big change... tonight it was 5-5 in the third inning when we busted out for seven runs... we picked up one more in the fifth and i lost focus in the sixth and gave up three runs... there were a few dropped fly balls and a couple of wild throws that gave them runs (the statistician in me is feeling the itch to keep stats now), but all in all it was our best defensive game all around... it was the first game i actually played warmed up... the first game i was handed the ball with the other team in the batter's box and told pitch... it took me most of the inning to warm up and i walked a few and the team was very sloppy, so i only pitched the first inning... i didn't play the second or third games... so our record is 1-3 and we are genuinely surprised we won a game, but i'm hoping to get to play more and see the team come together and play better with each game... and that's the sports report, sorta...

then, you asked about the quality of the busy life and since there are thousands of millions asking the same question silently as they check in on me because i am just that irresitible, after all, I share my answer, cuz i love you, after all...

quality good, with spurts of excellent, though still hoping for the exceptionally amazing and wondrously fantastic and unbelievably orgasmic, but the spurts of excellent are wonderful and the pretty consistent good is great :)

yeah, kinda like a weather report with different words about different things in a different way, but still, kinda like a weather report of the climatology in my psyche, i suppose, maybe, buy it?...

ah, but truly life is good and much fun and there are even interesting conversations and up and coming is a busier than January February in which the mix of different activities increases in diversity and intensity as 5K runs are addd to the mix as well as several new meetup groups... the adrenaline rush of hope is keeping me awake tonight and the four year old is alive and well and having so much fun that we'd have to return to the early nineties to find a time when so much satisfaction has been acheived in this life without a romantic element fueling and exponentially increasing the magic of the mix... it's a wonderful life and the amazingly wonderfulest part is that it still cane be powerfully more wonderful... yay for life...

and then, you pondered my wellness, or something like that... and to queel the rising fears about my being and to clear up the ridiculously pandering rumours making their way through the mass media, i present a bit of response to the welness query... thanks for asking so very much for asking...

all is well, tired and brain fuzzy at times from work overload, but going out much (see the calendar on the right, i think it's pretty up to date) and enjoying the fun much more than feeling the onelies or missing stuff, which is a good place to be in my head :)

which then lead to a spontaneous exclamation of YAYNESS from said head that, naturally, lead to a bit of babble that may seem random, but was actually influenced by other stuff as reflected in entries that have popped up in many of my other blogs as the most clever of you have already noticed by your own deviously brilliant means, like climbing through the branches of the tree of madness, for instance, or even more genius-like adventures that could only be devised and enjoyed by you quintissential aboriginal blog watchers...

yeah, videos, blurbs, bleeps, and blogs bloating out and flowing out and popping out and dropping in with fine tuning to the most enlightened and fascinating and valuable information and amusements out there in the world... just for you... and then i said:

YAY BIG BIG YAYS for you being here and caring and wondering and asking and caring and being here...

alas for global warming, the sun will move into the age of aquarius in the 22nd century which will bring great waters, cuz aquarius is a water bearer, after all, though we humans might move the cosmic schedule up with all our ozone-depleting carbon-dioxide producing ways...

see the movie Zeitgeist for more (you can find it at my video blog or elsewhere in the webiverse... just cuz it's so much fun to know stuff and all)...

suddenly, i sense this will become an entry, just for you my little honeysuckle roses... just cuz i am so happy giddy awake at this late hour and feeling so much love for you for loving me for loving you for loving me for loving all and everything too...

inspirations, you are awesome again...

maybe i'll stay up all night for a change :)

yeah, no, really... check out that video... it's about two hours, so leave yourself time to see it through... you will not be hypnotized into joining a suicide cult or in any way be damaged by the video, unless, of course, you resist opening your mind and then, well, you might get a bit upset by your confusion and misunderstanding and judgmental crap, but i don't think any of you wise souls will experience such a narrow beam of ignorance and fear of the possibilities of knowledge of history and insight into the human condition, psyche, and experience... see how much faith i have in you?...

seriously, watch the video... it is a mental orgasm...

and as promised, here are a couple of the meetup messages i send today... the first is to the group that is meeting to do a 5K run very early Saturday morning about an hour away (yeah, i know i said less time before, but it could be an hour too) after meeting up the night before for a wine tasting and movie and fun... i wonder if they think i am kidding about wishing someone would care enough to want me there enough to actually call and wake me... or the sleeping in my car thing, for that matter... what would you think an unsuspecting stranger might think of me and my impromptu and rather odd remarks?...

Holy insanity, beetlejuice, did i say i was coming? and no sleep thursday and a wine and movie friday and then up early saturday? (and more) who's crazy? wanna call and wake me or should i just drive to Wekiva Friday night and sleep in my car? lolam

the (and more) refers to a dinner meetup Saturday night and then a Superbowl party at Jackson's on sunday and then a very busy wee as the calendar keeps telling me... and as if all that is not enough, i joined yet another group, a singles group for people of mid-life crisis age... the group description provided hope that some meaningful thinking ans sharing might happen... we shall see... or maybe i will not see as my introduction and reason for joining (request for approval) went something like this:

Hey, it was either this or eHarmony. The coin came up heads, so here I am. Everyone should be a happy 4 year old. Or 40. Take me seriously as you wish (it can be serious fun). But seriously, this is a great idea and I, for one, hope for fruition.

yeah, i just couldn't resist teasing the ageist set up of the group since it limited itself to a specific age group as if age is a valid definitive classification for creating meaningful social interactions or friends...

when will they ever learn, when will they ever learn...

maybe tomorrow, or whenever they meet, if they'll have me :)

and so i shall now try to get three hours sleep so i don't fall asleep at tomorrow night's movie after maybe a sip or two of wine and still have a bit of reserve energy left for the 5K run the following morning... i think i may nap this weekend between all these social engagements... and pretending it is all about me cuz i am so very popular and in demand is ego's game, but we all can enjoy it too (at least i usually do)... hopefully you have enjoyed yourself here too...

keep the faith in your hope and in yourself to be worthy of your dreams and able to believe that anything is possible so at any moment you could find your dreams come true right before your eyes... and choose what you believe wisely, for what you believe is truth to you...

and have fun, dangit, cuz that's what life is all about...

and love love love...

g'nite :)

and now, a message from ego

or… a blog entry that actually isn't all about me…

maybe

and then, when actually seeking internet attention and a readership, audience, and all that (we can't all be as amazing as fin, after all… or hissy, for that matter… or even dangerspouse and the other fine amazing upstanding citizens of this odd world, providing they are still there), one must consider the nature of the net and the needs of the people out there…

so what do you needs, people? :)

of course, asking the questions in all sincerity might demonstrate all sincerity, but accomplish little more if nobody is actually reading, so it is probably not the best method of developing a readership when just starting out, though it may be very effective in increasing reader satisfaction after accumulating a large audience… not that i have any such desire, at least not professed, at least not professed recently, or in the past couple of entries, at least…

oh let's face it, i am not out here babbling merely for the cheap thrill of expressing myself (though that euphoric pleasure is rather splendid in and of itself, still, i can obtain such wonders of the emotional flesh without the net, after all), i am seeking feedback, response, reaction, applause, cheers, rousing hoots and hoorays, bravos and gasps, even… awe and worship would be nice too, if you've got any to spare, i mean, i know god has most of that wrapped up, but come on, greed is a sin, after all, so don't make it seem as though god is greedy, spread your worship around all over, that way you respect god… you can start right here…

and then, just as our hero was about to get his heart's desire, the internet ended (sudden black screen)…

ok, so it didn't actually end, there was just a short circuit or something in a server in Cleveland, or Pioria, or somewhere in the Midwest, which should probably be called the mid-east, geographically, but then, nobody's perfect, and when they finally found the cause of the signal interruption, which was a small cockroach who was inadvertently fried while trying to hack into the main pipe of the eastern hub of the usa internet superhighway because, after all, cockroaches want to blog too, it took them several hours to clean up the mess, allowing a few minutes for the memorial ceremony as the cockroach had a large family, before the internet returned and our hero could continue along his merry way…

unfortunately, by then, being a child of television with a ten second attention span, he had completely forgotten what it was he was about to get and moved along to youtube videos, which serve as amusing distractions from life, the universe, and everything and occasionally, inspirations for something meaningful when he can remember what it was…

speaking of youtube, or not…

look out youtube, here comes a a new video blog site… yes, BLIP.TV is your alternative to youtube… not that youtube needs an alternative, but then, maybe you do… or i do… or somebody does… in any case, the blip channel appears to be, at first glance, a bit more polished than youtube… it's almost like the news… of course watching three blips does not give me any authoritative opinion on the new site, after all, pre-judging anything could leave one mortified or something, but i just thought i'd mention it for when we had the time to explore…

it's loud, that's for sure…

in other news, some of you might know, or have noticed, or have heard of, or perhaps could care less about smash who resides over at diaryland, which might be called my former home as we approach the one year anniversary of my pausing there for a moment, but be that as it may be or not to be (am i becoming too repetitive or cliché?... come on, you can tell me, i can take it… you are still out there, aren'tcha?), the following comment was inspired moments ago over at his place:

using big words with concurrent consecutive consonants confuses me...

catarrh, hummph

meanwhile, dandy and cunt so do not go together, which is one of the many things that makes your entries so much fun (or is that morbid humor?... perhaps we can just agree on dangerous?) to read... especially at work... one must always be looking over one's shoulder to see if anyone is glancing over at what is being laughed at as one wonders if one should actually be laughing... not me, of course, but certainly one...

what time is it?...

am i reading you daily again?...

can there be political humor in here?...

these and other questions may or may not be answered in the next installment of, the soap that ended suddenly without really ending at all, so no wonder nobody felt clean...

people care, you know?

meanwhile, from the files of other random asides and wanky guilt trips, i am considering starting another new daily-ish webpage (diary, blog, journal, boobtube, blip, whatever) since my history has demonstracted (occasionally demonstrated too) quite effectively that moving on to new daily babblespots consistently loses the attention of any audience (friends?) i might attract during my year or two at any given address... also, perhaps i might perfect the abstract art of actually maintaining an attention span for more than ten seconds and therein provide readers with something worth returning for more to read for with...

somehow, i think the prepositions tripped me up there, but certainty is an elusive mongrel...

yes, so, in any case, anyway, whatever, meanwhile, hello :)

and oh yes, thank you :)

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.
.

no offense to dandy or anyone was intended in the making of this poo for we love her, yes we love her, and we definitely do not say so enough, so we take this opportunity to say so more than enough for polite society, but then, we're buried here in smash's diary comments and there's little polite or society about it, now is there?...

but we be cultured, dammit!

you've been missed, really you have, just like these scenes from old movies i've failed to mention in passing, but allude to now as if somehow they've been referenced so subtly that no one ever noticed...

playing those mind games, forever...

and you know that, for sure...

gotta let it go now...

see ya.

(brief pause, followed immediately by a follow up comment)

wait, i left out the r in hurmmph, can i get a do-over?

ptp
(protruding tongue productions)

it is altogether possible that hrrmmpph might have made my point a bit better, but then, none of the spellings seem just right at the moment, so hrmph to the folly of language and then, hope you are enjoying yourself anyway…

please note that the reference to dandy, who is one of my internet heroes, or heroines, or something like that, who truly does not have time to be online nearly as much as so many of us might like and is missed, if only in fantasy, every moment she is gone, was made by smash, as usual, because he's the one with the potty mouth and not me, cuz i'm a good boy, yes i am, and i'd never even consider stooping so low as to subtly starting any sort of drama or war or anything just to attract some attention, not me, i'm too lofty and phlegmatic for that…

blip…

blip…

blip…

well, it looks like there's nothing else on the radar for the moment, or more factually, the time for babbling has run out for this morning, so it is that sad moment when i must bid you all a fine adieu and take my imagination and hopes for friends and dreams of falling in love and winning lottery numbers elswehere, even if you're not here to read this adieu at the moment, or haven't been for years, mind you, we all have busy lives and so much socialization that we really don't need any internet supplements, but thanks for trying and better lick next time… luck has nothing to do with it, except a lot…

i have the patent pending copyright on protruding tongue productions, by the way… protruding proboscis productions as well… speaking of which, i am heading over to the loo to pp now, no poo, i think, but just though you wouldn't want to know so i told you anyway… may you be amused, or at least not have too much gas…

the audience i might keep has to earn it, ya know?...

internet socialization

today i was awakened to a request for money and a drive to see a car... we stopped at the bank and i took out some money, then went to the car and i checked it and drove it and found it needed at least a few hundred, possibly more than a thousand dollars work to be safe to drive... so we went looking for another car, but everything was closed...

then we went to dinner, then home where i fell asleep while the tv played football and the Precious came home and woke me by turning on the kitchen light... it's still on a few hours later...

yesterday i pondered the feeling of underappreciation and unintentional disrespect (as you might have noticed in the catchup entries written yesterday) and realize that it is my choice to feel that way and the feeling is more based on foolish self-depreciating thoughts than on external actions... maybe the words about homelessness and the comment they inspired influenced my thoughts that are becoming this entry, though i wish to try to sleep tonight so i will try to keep this brief and stay focused, even though Precious wants to talk and share some new music she just found…

me-time is rare in life these days, which might also influence the feeling i was pondering yesterday that is returning from a different perspective today…

i enjoy giving and sharing… it is one of the best feelings, maybe the best feeling i know in this life… and i am foolish for letting that feeling be in any way diminished by anything anyone else does… the feeling is dependent on no one… unless i become confused and lower my self-esteem and convince myself that my worth is somehow dependant on someone else… which is a stupid choice… so it feels wonderful to remember this and stop choosing the stupid choice…

if only this realization would not falter from time to time, aye?...

and this lead to (or was influenced by) thoughts of internet socializations… the comments we leave each other matter a lot because we give them power, we let each other become real in our lives based on the trust we place in each other's words… and even though there are those who pretend to be what they are not out here on the net, we take a leap of faith and believe in each other… and it feels good, often, wonderful, to find words from each other in comments to our entries…

and in my wonderings, i started wondering why we visit each other and why we leave comments… is it a voyeuristic thing or is it to find out about each other or is it to read our own responses or is it in the hope we might get comments back to our own entries or some of all of that or something else entirely… and then i started wondering why i continue to visit people who never seem to visit me and that answered at least one of my questions for myself… i enjoy reading about people who interest me even if they don't take the time to visit me, even if they don't care about me at all…

and i noticed that for some reason people stay in a specific domain much of the time… people who commented regularly and care about me at my diaryland diary who still write there regularly rarely visit me here even when i visit them and leave them comments cuz i choose to care about them… people who welcome me at myspace whenever i am there rarely visit me here… it happens with other domains too… they seem to want me to visit them and leave comments, but the domain thing seems to keep us apart… and yet, it's as easy as clicking on a link, isn't it?...

that seems weird to me, even a bit amusing and sad at the same time… maybe it's the distance or the superficiality of the internet… maybe it's the comfort of a domain set up… whatever the reason, i list a whole lot of people on the right sidebar because i enjoy their writing and when i have time, i visit and comment regardless of where they call home on the web… and i appreciate you few who continue reading and commenting here…

people who care show it… but we do not have time to show it as much as we might like to, so we learn how not to care as much… we find habits comfortable and fit in some daily visits to people and that becomes a habit and we somehow don't think as much about those we forget to visit daily because they are not in our habit… we may want to care more, but time and offline distractions get in the way of follow through on the caring as a verb…

so should we take that as not appreciating us or as disrespect?... i don't think so… i think we, humans in general, depend too much on others for our self-esteem and happiness… that may be a contributing factor to the whole religion thing that shifts personal responsibility from self to others, but that's another side-trip through the thought process that i should not follow at the moment because i did want to sleep tonight and side-tracking leads to the foibles of babbling on and on and not sleeping… so let's just consider that happiness comes from within and we only need what we want…

so if you want to live, you need food, shelter, warmth… if you want to love and be loved by others, you need others who interact with love… if you want to depend on others to determine your value in your mind, you need to give others that power… and so on…

sure i want you and all the people listed on the right to read my words, respect me, and feel inspired to respond... sure i want you to value my writing... sure i want you to read every entry (especially when i dump a bunch out here at once) as if it is important, thought-provoking, profound, or at least wonderfully amusing...

but if i feel unappreciated or bad about myself when there are no comments or when people do not visit me here, i am being foolish and missing something inside of me... forgetting i love, respect, admire, and appreciate myself diminishes me and you and fogs up everything... i like it when the fog lifts...

i hope you do not give me too much power over you because i prefer to be in this self-sufficient state of mind where it is wonderful to see you and hear from you, but my self-esteem and worth does not depend on you and if i do not visit you for days or weeks or longer, that does not mean you are worth less… i hope we respect each other, but find our personal strength and security and self-esteem inside… then we can share the wonderful feeling of knowing the entries we write and comments and respect we leave each other are of value regardless of responses…

and the responses feel even better because we can enjoy each other without judging ourselves…

and that is the pondering i did today about internet socialization…

how about you? :)

politics, religion, sugar, caffeine, and me?

and moving on the chocolate now, the Orlando Atheists and Freethinkers meetup group had their holiday gala yesterday and as i mentioned in one of the multiple entries popping up this weekend, i did attend, albeit a bit later than initially intended, but all that is water under the bridge now and the personal creative highlight of the event was my conceptualizing an idea for a new TV satirical sitcom that really ought to be pitched to someone at HBO or comedy central, but i don't know anybody at either, nor do i have a team of crack (head) writers to move on the idea, so it's just the personal highlight of the moment and it goes, quite simply, like this…

  there are shows that are political satires…
  there are shows that are religious satires…
coming this fall
  the first show to kill two birds with one stone…

Burning Bush

  it's not your ordinary roast…

even i was surprised at the laughter that ensued… and i don't think they were drunk, either… you probably had to be there to capture the moment, the ambiance, the company, and the inflections, but it's still amusing to me even in print… remember, even if somebody did it already and i just never heard about it, you heard it here first… copyheard, me 2007… yes, those wacky atheists get the happy agnostic in me thinking up some odd ideas now and then… for instance:

on the 2nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution and religion: freedom of religion also means freedom from religion… in other words, i've got the right to believe your beliefs are delusional without being harassed, put down, or otherwise condemned for my beliefs… i respect your right to be delusional, respect mine…

and just as we've all got the right to choose what we believe to be true, we've also got the right to choose the humor, satire, and amusements we enjoy… like the flying spaghetti monster, for instance… or carlin andbill maher … it appears some religious people just don't seem to understand what religious freedom means… it's historically scary when those people are running for president, or are president… but then, history repeats itself because those in power conveniently delude themselves by changing history in their minds and trying to sell us their new version of events that already happened and all too often, a majority believe it and… history repeats itself because those in power do… yeah, it's not as funny the second time around, or even the first…

but hey, how often do you get political or religious commentary here in the self-absorbed me-ness of RealTime™, aye?... yeah, religion, politics, sugar, caffeine, and me… hey, i think i just got the title… meanwhile, to further the illusion that i am wildly popular and internet famous, here are a few well rehearsed impromptu quotes from imaginary readers who just can't get enough of reading me… feel free to adopt one as your very own and take credit, even…

what others are saying:

"the epitome of mindless self-indulgence!"
~ Shallot Genes ~

"self-absorbed me-ness at it's best!"
~ Ebert & Siskel's Former Valet ~

"ridiculously eccentric and often just utter nonsense!"
~ Rush Limburger ~

"appears meaningless at first glance… sometimes at second glance as well."
~ Carl Sagan's Plumber ~

"a smoldering smattering of life, the universe, and everything."
~ Douglas Adam's Dentist ~

"doing the time warp in relative RealTime™"
~ Tim Curry Goat ~

"cartoons were never like this!"
~ Bugs Bunny's Agent ~

"i knew him in high school, he was crazy then too"
~ Former High School Principal ~

"he was always great at petting"
~ Chowder, Former High School Principal's Dog ~

"more interesting than molding bread!"
~ Billy Crystallis ~

"more fun than wasting time!"
~ William Robins ~

"this is without the drugs."
~ Cheech & Chong ~

oh, the humanity… but of course, each of these might have infinitely more validity and power with an actual reader's name between the ~ ~ things… or you could be wholly more clever and present your own for consideration in publicity material for me and all that this blog represents (which is pretty much dozens of other blogs that are mostly me, but i can't imagine where those first two quotes come from (special effects: `") and I have no idea what that means because i think i fell asleep in the midst of starting that parentheses in the midst of the thought in the midst of this paragraph in the midst of this entry (hey, bear with me, this sort of typing it out takes great patients, almost as much as it does to actually read this) in the midst of this RealTime™ blog in the midst of the myriad of blogs and other self-important self-mockeries and irrelevant irreverences that is the lofty ridiculousness called the written gardens which pretends to be some massive undertaking worth notoriety and fame and fortune and great respect from all humanity and gods and cosmic beings in all the infiniverses and beyond, so nevermind…

George Carlin refused to comment at this time…

"no comment."
~ George Carlin ~
but i do believe that a small hedgehog once had something to do with something that may have had something to do with something that probably relates to something here or somewhere sometime, at least… and if you want to see me bloated and pretending it doesn't matter, the photos are starting to pop up all over the meetup sites, humiliating as they may be, forcing me to take a glance, at least, at the ever so un-special effects of over-eating and lack of exercise that is so unappealing to me because it is a direct visual measure of self-love (or self-loathing) or more accurately, self-ambivalence which reflect the general (and specific) ambivalence (and ambivalences) bout everything…

maybe it was science that blinded everyone to the facts (dumbing down, again, may be the culprit), but the science could provide concrete directions if enough people would only take their heads out of each other's asses long enough to realize we, collectively as a species, have been living in denial and lying to ourselves and each other in such a ridiculous self-important delusion that we are blind to our own self-destruction and the true potential of life, the universe, and everything… what was that about November something-or-other, 2012?... or was it December?... well, for me personally, if it's December, it may be alright…

cuz i was once in love with amy
and that taught me the lessons
that put things into perspective
and helped me to realize
whatever… meanwhile, step on me as if i were an ant and feel the power of snuffing out a life and when someone steps on you as if you were an ant you may no longer have the opportunity to understand the futility and foolishness of the pretense of self-importance that dominated your experience and decision and therein fooled you into paying attention to so few relatively meaningless things and missing out on so many amazing things that might have brought so much more meaning to your life, but then, in a moment, it's all gone…

and the latest playlist plays in alphabetical order:

The Abomination - Art In Manila
after all that, it's come to this (featuring amy millan) - Amos the Transparent
And I Love You So - Don McLean
Anything But Ordinary - Avril Lavigne
Anything You Love - Art In Manila
Believe - Elton John
Castles In The Air - Don McLean
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Children Of The World - Donovan
Come To My Window - Melissa Etheridge
Crossroads - Don McLean
Do It Again - Nada Surf
Don't Let it Bring You Down - Alexa Ray Joel
Don't You Want To Be There - Jackson Browne
For My Lady - The Moody Blues
The Game - Art In Manila
Glory Box - Portishead
Golden Dawn - Art In Manila
Had To Fall In Love - The Moody Blues
Hands Open - Snow Patrol
Haunted - The Moody Blues
The Heart of Me - Alexa Ray Joel
Heart To Heart - John Denver
I'm Just A Singer (In A Rock And Roll Band) - The Moody Blues
I'm The Only One - Melissa Etheridge
I'm With You - Avril Lavigne
I Know You're Out There Somewhere - The Moody Blues
I Thought I Was Free - Art In Manila
I Will Never Be The Same - Melissa Etheridge
If I Wanted To - Melissa Etheridge
Inside Of Love - Nada Surf
Islands - John Denver
Isn't Life Strange - The Moody Blues
The Land Of Make-Believe - The Moody Blues
Lonely People - America
Lost In A Lost World - The Moody Blues
Naked - Avril Lavigne
New Horizons - The Moody Blues
Nights In White Satin - The Moody Blues
Nobody's Fool - Avril Lavigne
Our Addictions - Art In Manila
Perhaps Love - John Denver
Please - Elton John
Precious Pearl - Art In Manila
Resist - Melissa Etheridge
Sandman - America
Say It With Love - The Moody Blues
Seasons Of The Heart - John Denver
See These Bones - Nada Surf
Set The Woods On Fire - Art In Manila
Silent Legacy - Melissa Etheridge
Slow Down World - Donovan
Song of Yesterday - Alexa Ray Joel
Spirit, Run - Art In Manila
The Sweat Descends - Art In Manila
Talking To My Angel - Melissa Etheridge
Time Gets Us All - Art In Manila
Tomorrow - Avril Lavigne
Too Much To Ask - Avril Lavigne
Vincent - Don McLean
What One Man Can Do - John Denver
When You're A Free Man The Moody Blues
Yes I Am Melissa Etheridge
You And Me - The Moody Blues

so you see, i have not had time for my usual browsing around this weekend... and i haven't even catch up on the actual events in Real... party on saturday... carolling on sunday... and here we are, running off at the fingers like we used to... fun fun fun and it can get better than this, but only with intimacy, so for what we've got for the moment, this is good... hope it's all good for you too... even if you missed to profound linkages and amazing rhymes (even the perversions diary was populated, aye?) sprinkled throughout the web world in this latest mini-explosion... be good to yourself and let yourself explode a little too... and thank you for attending the party... i hope to revisit you very soon...


and this may have been yet another part one…

emocentricity

my journey tonight did not take me to snow in Celebration because… i was influenced by the couch potato… i was tired and gave into my own laziness… mindless self-indulgence… complete cop out… chose to vege here instead… youtube doesn't do it justice… all of the above, except the youtube, just cuz some nights are lazier and more self-indulgent than others… you'd think i got all that out last night, aye?… in any case, here we are… i may wake at 6am to run tomorrow instead, but i doubt it… sleep is necessary too and tomorrow there's a party about an hour away in the Weikiva Forest that starts at 2pm tomorrow and continues on into the night and i want to be awake for the noon-ish xmas caroling at the Arnold Palmer Children's Hospital on Sunday and then i have an early meeting with the big cheese on Monday, so moderation, even if i miss the chance for romance that might have been falling with the fake snow in Celebration tonight…

so i journeyed over to myspace a while and exchanged a few pleasantries and settled in for a visit with the adorable eyes and fun imagination of Jo and a very special pig (just watch out for multiple popups that even slipped through Firefox's popup blocker)… and somewhere along the way, in keeping with the title of this entry, I clicked on another site that told me this:

How to make a ric

Ingredients:1 part success 3 parts brilliance 3 parts empathy

Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Serve with a slice of sadness and a pinch of salt. Yum!

your name:

Personality cocktail From Go-Quiz.com

cool, maybe even eerie… emocentric, probably, but then, emotions may be the center of the infiniverse, the binding force that connects and influences all things, beyond gravity, within and without the small and large forces, a physics we have no clue about in this human form at this time in our existence… yes, there, i've told you the answer and it was not 42, that was just a bit of clever and droll british humor, after all… and distraction...

power to the people, right on…

i may never fall in love again
in this life
for what i want most does not seem to exist
in this life
but i may have said and done all this before
in this life
it may be an opportunity i missed
in this life

but i still dream now and then
that i may fall in love again
so my ridiculous repetition, the symmetric eccentric loop, the idiosyncratic kaleidoscope presented in words like colors within and beyond the rainbow continues… some may see, some may not see, but it is here… for you, for me, for posterity (ah, old faithful enigma, posterity)… so what if you were unbreakable or somehow had the ability to do something no one else could do… how separate would you be… how apart from humanity… how distant would you become… would you feel too much… would you fade to numb… would you do all you can… would you just play dumb… if you could do something no one else could do… what would you become…

what the heart wants
how can the mind choose against
what the heart wants
logic has no power over
what the heart wants
reason may never explain
what the heart wants
again and again
i suppose, in this world, the mind can choose against what the heart wants, but the likely outcome is a broken heart or a very confused being who settles for compromise and pretends that's alright… and maybe it is, but then, maybe it is not… what exists can only be known to the one who experiences it, whatever it is…

and life offers enough distractions to allow the mind to detach from the heart and create any illusion to satisfy the detached being… but some of us are so egocentric, there's no chance for the emocentric self to actualize… like walking into a room where someone is writing or watching TV or focused on something and disregarding the person in the room, but rather whining to yourself or rattling things, turning on bright lights and disrupting any activity the person in the room might have been doing simply because there is no emotional connection, no empathy, only egocentric self expressing selfish desire at any cost…

and are you the person in the room… or the person walking into the room… the latter might not know the difference and doesn't care… the former knows, but can do nothing to change the situation… for change, true change, can only come from within… unless we disregard all the rules, which is how both live, though one is focused inward and one is focused outward and therein, appear near opposites… someday we'll all understand... maybe...

time to listen now…

flip flopping (part one... or maybe two)

i am not sure i believe in people anymore... or maybe it is that i am not sure i want to... on the other hand, i am sure i want to sometimes... and then, i am not sure other times... people can be so indecisive...

O . . O

O

i want to believe somebody cares
but i may not let anyone get the chance
cuz no one has ever cared as much as me
not in the physical reality
no one has ever cared as much as me
not just egocentricity
no one has ever cared as much as me
no one has ever really understood
so why bother to explain
things didn't go quite according to plan
somewhere along the way i stopped caring
as much as i can
and maybe that is what it truly means
to be human

so what's up with you guys?... softball was fun tonight, though i felt like a clutz which is a new experience for me... maybe the body is actually starting to deteriorate beyond the point of no return and just won't do what it used to do... or maybe i'm just so far out of practice that i am a clutz... it's not much fun being a clutz... and my finger hurts... the old comfortable broken-in glove i bought is wonderfully comfortable and easy to bend and all, but it has next to no padding and so catching the ball can be painful... and one time, at softball camp, i bruised my index finger and it's swelling and ouchie... though i am still typing, so maybe it went kind of numb...

it was fun though, mostly... i did get to practice hitting tonight and the body seemed to remember how to do that pretty well...

all i ever wanted was someone to care
the way i care
is there no one close to me?

all i ever wanted was someone to share
the way i share
forever to infinity

all i ever wanted was someone to love
the way i love
full unconditionally

all i ever wanted was someone to be
the way i am
completely open honesty

always to the next level
always to the next extreme
always together in everything
is it to remain a dream?

all i ever wanted was someone to know
all that i know
is there no one close to me?

all i ever wanted was someone to feel
the way i feel
forever to infinity

all i ever wanted was someone to love
the way i love
most unconditionally

all i ever wanted was someone to be
completely with me
as one with me

hey, so what about that sleep thing, anyway?

for the sharing

i write this for the sharing that i want to continue
i write this for the sharing that i hope will be
i write this for the sharing of the dream we can make true
i write this for the sharing that makes we of you and me
i write this for the sharing we can do
i write this for the sharing for me and for you

for the sharing we share, for the sharing with the one i dream of, for the sharing with all for posterity, for the sharing of the dream that we call love... ah, as John Denver said, what one man can do is dream, what one many can do is love...

hello again old friends, new friends, dear readers, and you...

there are several missing blogs this week as there was something going on every day (and twice on Sunday, Saturday too, even Friday), so after a nap (and still pushing sleep limits so I'll try to keep this brief and start the week off with more than 4 hours sleep tonight), i come to say hello and catch up a bit and let you know that the blogs might still appear, suddenly as they often do, after the fact… maybe tomorrow night…

midnight (as the 10th started) was the start of Precious's birthday so she's standing here talking to me because she doesn't work tomorrow and comes out to talk after midnight cuz i am usually away, so my focus is not here much, but then, that's life with roommates or family unless you lock yourself in your room and i don't,,, in fact, i am seldom in my bedroom at all… i haven't slept in my bed since before the Oklahoma trip… the big green chair just swallows me most nights (and besides, the bed is broken) and since i seldom sleep more than a few hours at a time… that's life these days…

while the joy and excitement of falling in love has not occurred, the fun of meeting new people, enjoying creative stimulation, and playing games is in abundance these days… and music, music is returning (which feeds the fire and desire to share all the more), even if i haven't found the music-loving friends or partner just yet… so a few key elements are missing (like a cuddle buddy, for a third, and a wild libido fantasy, for a fourth), but several key elements are falling into place and that means there are reasons for big YAYs offline again… and it is much goodness to feel and to see that i do not feel desperation to rush to fill feed the hungers and fill the empty places in my sharing life…

musical memories lead me to link-up my once-upon-a-time beginnings of a musical web world in a comment response and maybe that means i am on the road to reawakening (which could very well lead back to reawakening candora as well, which would be a wonderful sign of life from the heart energy center)… and one of these days i may even listen to the quickly thrown together first mix on this blog's playlist and bring a bit more continuity, or at least more personal meaning to it… i did spend a little time doing just that this weekend, though the differences may be too subtle to be noticed by anyone other than me for the moment and i still feel it is disorganized and incomplete (even though i reached the maximum 75 song limit, alas, so moving toward my own player on my site may happen sooner rather than later)… anyway, the musical links, thanks to you dear readers noticing that music is returning again and specifically that the musical library is growing again, for anyone who has the time and interest:

yeah, I used to keep a list...

organized or something...

once upon a time...

in my wildest dreams?

and to shift gears just cuz it's fun (and can be exciting, as i kind of mentioned in a comment at Smash's place recently), I returned to myspace for an hour or two this weekend out popped a blog entry (that will probably be one of the inserted blog entries in the past week that might come tomorrow) and in brief time i spend wandering randomly through my web links at myspace i rediscovered many wonderful people and this thought came to mind in what maybe have been a flurry of clever flirtation (or simply egocentric folly, foolishness, or futility, but that might just be the humility failsafe trying to protect me or bring some balance or something good)… all hot wet left-wasted-and-trembling (or is that prostrate and twitching?) libido fantasies aside, every now and then, the real Miss Ass Bandit stands up and shows just why i love loving her…

and everybody ought to find a way to see this Xmas Movie…

one of the browser tabs that has remained for a week or so leads to the SNL episode guide which brings back many powerful, wonderful, and semi-sweet memories… i just have not had time to explore, which may be for the best as it is something i would so much rather share than explore by myself… some people ask (depending on physical age) where we were when the Millenium turned or when Berlin Wall fell or when John Lennon was shot, if you're older, when men walked on the moon or even when Kennedy was shot, but i'll ask things like where were you when you first ay the Samarai Chef sketch or Andy Kaufman doing Elvis… hey, we all have our priorities, ya know?...

and that's about it… a bit of web wandering to give you stuff to explore as opposed to just indulging my ego (not that i didn't here, but in a different way cuz after all, that is what personal blogging is largely about, becoming the center of the universe and seeing things through my eyes and telling you all about it as if i am some sort of authority or prophet or guru or news reporter or something and the tales i have to share are vital to your existence, but then, i am the authority on what is going on inside my head, after all, and maybe you actually do want to know, right?) and drone on and one about what is great and what is missing from life in RealTime™ today and the past few days and these days in general… I'll save the catch up for tomorrow and yesterday…

thanks many appreciative hugs for stopping by… you know how to reach me and remember, i want you to :)

another postponed entry

well, there was not enough time to get any writing done on the trip, so the entries in my head (and there's more words than can be translated by human tongues) will have to wait until i return... the in-between times (waiting at airports and on the plane and such) were not useful because the battery in this laptop is weak and will not hold a charge for long enough to make writing unplugged worth it... alas, live and learn and laugh at the stupid human tricks I am learning (buy what you want and stop over-thinking everything and letting other factors like budget and such get in the way, right)... so I'll be back later in the week to update more entries like this one and the last one and the next one and the rest of the week ones and by the time the week is over nobody (except you) will ever know that there were not entries every day this week...

posterity is so easily fooled, aye?...

but ego loves it (posterity and so on) anyway and keeping ego happy with such little things as lining up the dates as if there was some organization to this life like a professional type writer sort of (except for the editing and keeping in tune with the grammar and rules of language and strunk and white and webster and all those rule makers of structure and order and such) is easy, so we do...

besides, i decided to play with hair color and it's soaking in right now (it's about 6am tuesday)... sure, send me on a business trip and see what mischief i solemnly swear i can get up to no good, right?... are we having fun yet?...

i loved you in so many ways
and would have loved you more
as you were so vulnerably mine
when you came to my door
eighteen and fresh from parents womb
first time out on your own
so bold and yet so innocent
i left you alone

and now i wonder what if i did what came naturally
if i did not hold back on the attraction
if i seduced you and shared satisfaction
if i did not focus on public reaction
and shared intimacy
would you still be here with me...

i gave you oh so many things
i could have given more
you arrived with so little
when you came to my door
wide eyed and so full of hope
and big dreams to be fulfill
so open to my influence
i left you to your will

and now i wonder what if i did what came naturally
if i did not do what i was supposed to do
if i share all of me with you
if i gave us the chance to know what could be true
in shared intimacy
would you still be here with me...

we were dreamers of different ages
writing the same song on separate pages
respecting the rules of society

yet is was the same dream we'd chase
we were searching for the same embrace
holding hands for all the world to see

and when we looked into each others eyes
we know the secret shared beyond the words
and that may have been enough until we meet again
in other worlds
in other words

you gave me your hand, your trust, your life
i took you for a child instead of wife
the memories remain as beautiful as any in my mind
but sometimes i wonder...
sometimes i wonder...
sometimes i wonder if we left some dreams behind

yeah what if we did what came naturally
if we set the instincts in us free
if we did not stop at holding hands
if would our memories be of wonderlands
if shared intimacy...
would you still be here with me...
would you still be here with me

happy birthday pj :)