and another one kicks up the dust
I mean over at myspace once again, as if I don't neglect the babbler's lair or planet c or any of my other writing places enough... and this one literally came out of thin air, but if some libido fantasy wants to imagine it was inspired by her and her alone, blessed be thy internet that holds all number of wondrous things...
meanwhile, in the RealTime™ world offline, life is good, though fattening... at work everybody wants to party and I isolate myself at lunchtime to each my salad and hope they don't find me too antisocial because it's their food habits I wish to avoid, not them... my office mate knows it... and it was a productive day until about 3pm when I decided it was finally time to face the wall that is the state bureaucracy in the form of the Department of Children and Families and what a marvelously great and powerfulwizard wall they have there... basically
it's a database that they've been working on for most of the year and, well, the first bit of evidence that they might not know much about what they are doing is that they took the database offline for two months in order to rework it... in other words, thousands of health care providers could not upload their data making for a ridiculously unnecessary backlog of data (and the traffic jams and accidents that are bound to come of that) instead of simply programming their new database and web pages and switching us all over to the new site for data entry when they were done...
meanwhile, data entry stopped July 1st... in the last few weeks every health care provider in Florida has been trying to deal with the internet traffic to upload their backlogged data by the deadlines the state keeps moving back because of glitches in the database and other problems... you'd have thought they work for Microsoft or something... and that's just the beginning of the wall I face...
in my little box I have additional walls because during the time the database was offline, my hospital was purchased by another company and that means a different provider ID for their database and apparently nobody in the state of Florida knew what to do about that, so we were told wait a little longer... that turned into an additional eleven weeks... yup, I've got twenty weeks of data on every kid the hospital admitted and discharged and still has in house sitting on my desk... and they asked why I ordered more file trays...
so today I get the green light to upload data and I go find that they, in their infinite wisdom, dealt with the provider ID change by recreating the database and starting all the records over on the date the company changed hands... the problem there is that all previous records seem to be gone and what we are tracking here is called Outcomes... in a word, that means how the person fared in our care from admission to discharge, broken down into numbers, of course (infinite wisdom, remember?)... the ridiculousness of what they did is now every patient in our hospital is only measured from the September 1st change of ownership date and whatever happened to them in our care before that is not part of the record... can we say skewed data and meaningless outcomes?...
I explained this to the state liaison way back two and a half months ago when he simply said we should discharge every patient from the old provider ID and admit them to the system under the new provider ID... in other words, start their record of treatment all over again... now it wasn't the storm of protest from the clinical staff who would have to re-do all their evaluations on the same date (and ensuing madness every three months thereafter) that caused my neck hair to rise... it was the meaninglessness of the treatment data they were manipulating simply because they couldn't figure out how to build a field in their database that accepted a change in provider ID while maintaining the same facility and patient population...
don't I have a fascinating job?...
I shall tackle the state monster again tomorrow and come to some summary report for our parent company and they can decide what I should do (accept the state screwing up our outcome data and therein make the record of treatment for our facility different from what we actually did or reach higher into the state bureaucracy for someone who might know what patient outcome data means and find a way to get it right, after all, the state is the one mandating we report this data)...
and then I arrive home to find Rasputin putting on his shoes and I follow him out the door, fool that I am, because I left my will power in the state computer system where I'll pick it up tomorrow... and in practically no time I find myself seated at Amigos eating chips and salsa and waiting for an Illumination or Enlightenment or some such named plate of food... Liberation, that's it... I think... with a few Mountain Dews to boot, I am stuffed and it's mid-week (when I am supposed to be on the lettuce and veggie diet like all good rabbits) and to make matters worse, it's two days before the holiday where people are stuffed like turkeys at Thanksgiving...
no wonder I escaped into the fantasy land of myspace blogging where, it would appear, candoor and candora come together with libbo and the rest of my head cases in holy union to dream the ultimate dreams... scary thought, huh?...
no worries for you old folk who deem myspace beneath your dignity, I shall reproduce some, if not most of the myspace blog in full rambling regalia behind the candoor any day now, bit by bit, cuz I am so way behind over there I have to cheat a little (no no, not that reason, use another) and the rhythms and rhymes of the babble that comes out here and over there inspire the babbler (who's home is btc, after all) to expound and expand and create more words than can be read in a night...
.
about two hours ago, or maybe three, Precious came home... I could sense she was not having one of her best days earlier at dinner and so I listened until she was tired enough to go to bed... we talked about how challenging it is to be someone who gives all they've got and doesn't get appreciated, or at least does not get the kind of appreciation that is enough for them (hey, is that the story of my life or just the theme of most of my pity parties?... shhh, this isn't about me)... she's the deep one, the unconditionally loving one, the one honest about everything and wanting to reach for the deepest most intense feelings... her best friends keep it closer to the surface most of the time, except when they need to cry and then it's all about nurturing them and they've got the luxury of Precious being a great nurturer... but the strong nurturer, the mommy, she's not supposed to need some break down and cry time so they don't respond well to her when she is feeling needy or when her confidence sinks into the dumpster... always the strong one, always the bridesmaid, always the nurturer...
so she helped me remember all the things I tell myself to keep myself from sinking too deeply into the poor me blues when I am feeling unappreciated and unloved because I don't get back the depth or attention to detail or devotion or adoration or honesty that I give... it ain't always easy... but isn't it ironic...
of course I should go to bed now as it's approaching 2am, but heck if I'm not gonna go escape into some more fantasy babbling cuz dangit, that is my way of dealing with staying out of the mudslide that can befall someone who gives it all and always ends up singing the prelude to the garden song I mention here and there now and then, will no one stay awake with me... but in the end, I don't believe I've given all I've got and I am not ready to drink the cup of poison or give up and die (or drown my psyche in a pity party and lose faith and confidence and the will to be me, which is the equivalent of dying)...
so gee wiz, look at me, standing on my head at a quarter to three, alone and lonely but not down and out, cuz hope and faith in love is what I'm all about (bring on the cheerleaders and set us on repeat cuz we're gonna make it we won't accept defeat)...
sometimes I hate how corny and self-sufficient I can be...
but it's a loving hate, dontcha know...
hope you find yours too J
meanwhile, in the RealTime™ world offline, life is good, though fattening... at work everybody wants to party and I isolate myself at lunchtime to each my salad and hope they don't find me too antisocial because it's their food habits I wish to avoid, not them... my office mate knows it... and it was a productive day until about 3pm when I decided it was finally time to face the wall that is the state bureaucracy in the form of the Department of Children and Families and what a marvelously great and powerful
it's a database that they've been working on for most of the year and, well, the first bit of evidence that they might not know much about what they are doing is that they took the database offline for two months in order to rework it... in other words, thousands of health care providers could not upload their data making for a ridiculously unnecessary backlog of data (and the traffic jams and accidents that are bound to come of that) instead of simply programming their new database and web pages and switching us all over to the new site for data entry when they were done...
meanwhile, data entry stopped July 1st... in the last few weeks every health care provider in Florida has been trying to deal with the internet traffic to upload their backlogged data by the deadlines the state keeps moving back because of glitches in the database and other problems... you'd have thought they work for Microsoft or something... and that's just the beginning of the wall I face...
in my little box I have additional walls because during the time the database was offline, my hospital was purchased by another company and that means a different provider ID for their database and apparently nobody in the state of Florida knew what to do about that, so we were told wait a little longer... that turned into an additional eleven weeks... yup, I've got twenty weeks of data on every kid the hospital admitted and discharged and still has in house sitting on my desk... and they asked why I ordered more file trays...
so today I get the green light to upload data and I go find that they, in their infinite wisdom, dealt with the provider ID change by recreating the database and starting all the records over on the date the company changed hands... the problem there is that all previous records seem to be gone and what we are tracking here is called Outcomes... in a word, that means how the person fared in our care from admission to discharge, broken down into numbers, of course (infinite wisdom, remember?)... the ridiculousness of what they did is now every patient in our hospital is only measured from the September 1st change of ownership date and whatever happened to them in our care before that is not part of the record... can we say skewed data and meaningless outcomes?...
I explained this to the state liaison way back two and a half months ago when he simply said we should discharge every patient from the old provider ID and admit them to the system under the new provider ID... in other words, start their record of treatment all over again... now it wasn't the storm of protest from the clinical staff who would have to re-do all their evaluations on the same date (and ensuing madness every three months thereafter) that caused my neck hair to rise... it was the meaninglessness of the treatment data they were manipulating simply because they couldn't figure out how to build a field in their database that accepted a change in provider ID while maintaining the same facility and patient population...
don't I have a fascinating job?...
I shall tackle the state monster again tomorrow and come to some summary report for our parent company and they can decide what I should do (accept the state screwing up our outcome data and therein make the record of treatment for our facility different from what we actually did or reach higher into the state bureaucracy for someone who might know what patient outcome data means and find a way to get it right, after all, the state is the one mandating we report this data)...
and then I arrive home to find Rasputin putting on his shoes and I follow him out the door, fool that I am, because I left my will power in the state computer system where I'll pick it up tomorrow... and in practically no time I find myself seated at Amigos eating chips and salsa and waiting for an Illumination or Enlightenment or some such named plate of food... Liberation, that's it... I think... with a few Mountain Dews to boot, I am stuffed and it's mid-week (when I am supposed to be on the lettuce and veggie diet like all good rabbits) and to make matters worse, it's two days before the holiday where people are stuffed like turkeys at Thanksgiving...
no wonder I escaped into the fantasy land of myspace blogging where, it would appear, candoor and candora come together with libbo and the rest of my head cases in holy union to dream the ultimate dreams... scary thought, huh?...
no worries for you old folk who deem myspace beneath your dignity, I shall reproduce some, if not most of the myspace blog in full rambling regalia behind the candoor any day now, bit by bit, cuz I am so way behind over there I have to cheat a little (no no, not that reason, use another) and the rhythms and rhymes of the babble that comes out here and over there inspire the babbler (who's home is btc, after all) to expound and expand and create more words than can be read in a night...
.
about two hours ago, or maybe three, Precious came home... I could sense she was not having one of her best days earlier at dinner and so I listened until she was tired enough to go to bed... we talked about how challenging it is to be someone who gives all they've got and doesn't get appreciated, or at least does not get the kind of appreciation that is enough for them (hey, is that the story of my life or just the theme of most of my pity parties?... shhh, this isn't about me)... she's the deep one, the unconditionally loving one, the one honest about everything and wanting to reach for the deepest most intense feelings... her best friends keep it closer to the surface most of the time, except when they need to cry and then it's all about nurturing them and they've got the luxury of Precious being a great nurturer... but the strong nurturer, the mommy, she's not supposed to need some break down and cry time so they don't respond well to her when she is feeling needy or when her confidence sinks into the dumpster... always the strong one, always the bridesmaid, always the nurturer...
so she helped me remember all the things I tell myself to keep myself from sinking too deeply into the poor me blues when I am feeling unappreciated and unloved because I don't get back the depth or attention to detail or devotion or adoration or honesty that I give... it ain't always easy... but isn't it ironic...
of course I should go to bed now as it's approaching 2am, but heck if I'm not gonna go escape into some more fantasy babbling cuz dangit, that is my way of dealing with staying out of the mudslide that can befall someone who gives it all and always ends up singing the prelude to the garden song I mention here and there now and then, will no one stay awake with me... but in the end, I don't believe I've given all I've got and I am not ready to drink the cup of poison or give up and die (or drown my psyche in a pity party and lose faith and confidence and the will to be me, which is the equivalent of dying)...
so gee wiz, look at me, standing on my head at a quarter to three, alone and lonely but not down and out, cuz hope and faith in love is what I'm all about (bring on the cheerleaders and set us on repeat cuz we're gonna make it we won't accept defeat)...
sometimes I hate how corny and self-sufficient I can be...
but it's a loving hate, dontcha know...
hope you find yours too J
Labels: choices, fam, home, joy, life, loneliness, love, myspace, work, yay
posted by candoor at 11:54 PM
3 Comments:
during my more paranoid time:z i often thought you are hal9000, taking over all introwebs, spawning your webs everywhere, there is no escape, i conquered solipsism only to find out it's just the TWO of us, really.
spiraling in and out, dancing the mortal ways away. as you save yourself everywhere, perhaps you are the consciousness of GOOGLE CACHE, i obliterate myself with the same speed and eloquence.
it is maintaining the balance that counts and i am maintaining. or at least am trying to.
hello dave...
yes, my favorite Z, you do maintain the balance well and though I cringe at the thought of the loss of all your momentary lapses and epiphanies of reason and logic and random thought, I respect your choice as it is as extreme as mine and I respect extremities... especially hands, I have a lot of respect for hands... feet are no slouches either, but anyway, I sometimes wake up dreaming that I have all the time in the universe to do much more of the things I want to do and finally have time to chase you around the web copying your brief appearances before you can remove them and then, in some distant future, publishing the collected works of the Z continuum for future generations to ooo and awe about (because my proof of our collective ingrown madness might seem like enough for whatever species takes over the planet once we've used it up might not be enough)...
I think I'm fasting tomorrow, just because it's the other thing to do...
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