I would have been here
it's so weird... I can be here for hours, days even, and nothing, nobody's around... silly as it may sound, I feel so lonely those days... I know that's all about expectations and hopes and stuff cuz I don't depend on the internet for much emotional food and when I am busy offline I am amused by how much I enjoy the attention I get online, but those moments there's little or no emotional dependency and mostly ego gratification... but thanks to my anything-is-possible imagination, it sure does turn into real emotion when I come back here and read responses, or don't...
powerful too :)
did I thank everybody today?... thank you thank you thank you thank you and you and you and you and you too... everybody else reading too... meanwhile, I would have been here yesterday, really I would have, but I decided the cigarette smell in the living room was unappealing and so I went into my room to read and fell asleep... didn't wake up until late and so I decided it would be one of those long sleeps I enjoy from time to time (maybe once a week)... little did I know that while I was letting this body shut down a while (and missing Enterprise which is not as much of a draw as it was a few weeks ago), you were pouring your hearts and souls out in response to me every so profound babble...
yeah, I might be delusional, but it hasn't been too much of a handicap so far (see the ginourmously hopeful grin on the little boy's face)... well, not in most ways (and the old man smirks)... as I float around this world somewhere in between ,life and death, I keep things interesting by leaving the door wide open and the smiley-face welcome mat kind of askew... metaphorically... whether it's irony or casual intention, this is the first place I've ever lived where I've made no effort to put any sort of welcome mat or smiley face or any sort of greeting thing at the door...
maybe that's why nobody stops by... then again, I don't invite anybody by because I don't have any place I'd want to sit in the place other than my big green chair or the bed and if I don't want to sit on the couches, I wouldn't ask anybody else to... especially not now, since there's a body permanently occupying oone and Rasputin is usually asleep on the other when he is home (Precious now shares his spot when she's in the living room, which hasn't happened much this week)...
she seems more uncomfortable around her uncle than any of us, but then, he is living on her couch (which may never be the same)... the air and apartment is more and more musty and smoke-smelling with each day... I'd buy him deodorant, but he'd see that as an invitation to stay indefinitely... not that he needs one, it seems... as it is, there seems to be no movement at all toward finding any sort of independent life or other place...
earlier (this would be tomorrow night in RealTime™), since this is Rasputin's night off and we had a few seconds to exchange a few words, I asked Rasputin if there was any plan at all for him getting out as I've seen no movement towards any movement at all day or night and the TV never goes off and he seems to be a permanent part of the couch... Rasputin said he didn't know and continued zoning into the TV show he was watching at the time... yeah, I'm going to have to consider some sort of intervention myself if this goes on much longer...
meanwhile, as the continuing irony continues, the TV just mocked us... did you ever see the first episode of Dead Like Me (TV Show, started onm Showtime, now on Sci-Fi channel from time to time)?... the last few lines are about finding George, the lead character, a place to live... she asks her two new peers why she can't just couch surf at their place for a few days and they explain how a few days turn into a week and then months and... Odysseus laughed a laugh that suggested he did not make the connection, but rather found it amusing, as if it was cool and validating what he seems to be doing right at the moment...
nobody else was laughing...
on the work side of life, it's more ridiculous than ever as the person they chose to give me as an assistant has none of the prerequisit skills needed to do the job and must be talk from the ground up, which will take weeks, possibly months, and even then she may not get up to speed to do even a third of the job... that leaves the other two thirds to me, which will probably not leave enough time to do my primary job unless I become one of those figure-head Director's who do little or nothing (or the bare minimum) and that wasn't the point of taking the job... on the plus side, this gives me the incentive to consider this not the two year minimum commitment I initially gave it in my head, leading me back to thoughts of relocation earlier... thing is, the lease here is up in Feburary, which means making a decision in December, which is definitely not what I had in mind after Precious found a way to stay home another year...
confused? :}
I'll figure something out, cuz that's what I do... and if the situation at home doesn't change in the next few weeks, I might be looking for a new roommate situation (or possibly a place of my own) around here... I doubt it'll come to that, but Raspy's going to have to start sharing his room and find some way of kicking in in 3/4 of the expenses if we're gonna be four in this space cuz the living room is not a bedroom or a storage area for a heavy smoker's stuff (and the bottom line is mine are the expenses that go up when we add a person cuz I cover all the utilities)...
yeah, so anyway, I'm distracted... but like a weird road trip with odd companions, there's always something amusing to distract me from the unpleasant distractions and I focus on the amusing stuff most of the time (some might say too much of the time, but hey, I come down when someone inspires me too :)
I'm gonna go write today's entry now if there are any words left in my head... so if you're not quick, this one will pass into yesterday before you know it and be left for the archivists and obsessed fans (or really bored people who browse backwards and respond to old blog entries as if it was now late at night)... hey, I'm easily amused too, ya know?...
anyway, I would have been here, really, if I knew you were :)
powerful too :)
did I thank everybody today?... thank you thank you thank you thank you and you and you and you and you too... everybody else reading too... meanwhile, I would have been here yesterday, really I would have, but I decided the cigarette smell in the living room was unappealing and so I went into my room to read and fell asleep... didn't wake up until late and so I decided it would be one of those long sleeps I enjoy from time to time (maybe once a week)... little did I know that while I was letting this body shut down a while (and missing Enterprise which is not as much of a draw as it was a few weeks ago), you were pouring your hearts and souls out in response to me every so profound babble...
yeah, I might be delusional, but it hasn't been too much of a handicap so far (see the ginourmously hopeful grin on the little boy's face)... well, not in most ways (and the old man smirks)... as I float around this world somewhere in between ,life and death, I keep things interesting by leaving the door wide open and the smiley-face welcome mat kind of askew... metaphorically... whether it's irony or casual intention, this is the first place I've ever lived where I've made no effort to put any sort of welcome mat or smiley face or any sort of greeting thing at the door...
maybe that's why nobody stops by... then again, I don't invite anybody by because I don't have any place I'd want to sit in the place other than my big green chair or the bed and if I don't want to sit on the couches, I wouldn't ask anybody else to... especially not now, since there's a body permanently occupying oone and Rasputin is usually asleep on the other when he is home (Precious now shares his spot when she's in the living room, which hasn't happened much this week)...
she seems more uncomfortable around her uncle than any of us, but then, he is living on her couch (which may never be the same)... the air and apartment is more and more musty and smoke-smelling with each day... I'd buy him deodorant, but he'd see that as an invitation to stay indefinitely... not that he needs one, it seems... as it is, there seems to be no movement at all toward finding any sort of independent life or other place...
earlier (this would be tomorrow night in RealTime™), since this is Rasputin's night off and we had a few seconds to exchange a few words, I asked Rasputin if there was any plan at all for him getting out as I've seen no movement towards any movement at all day or night and the TV never goes off and he seems to be a permanent part of the couch... Rasputin said he didn't know and continued zoning into the TV show he was watching at the time... yeah, I'm going to have to consider some sort of intervention myself if this goes on much longer...
meanwhile, as the continuing irony continues, the TV just mocked us... did you ever see the first episode of Dead Like Me (TV Show, started onm Showtime, now on Sci-Fi channel from time to time)?... the last few lines are about finding George, the lead character, a place to live... she asks her two new peers why she can't just couch surf at their place for a few days and they explain how a few days turn into a week and then months and... Odysseus laughed a laugh that suggested he did not make the connection, but rather found it amusing, as if it was cool and validating what he seems to be doing right at the moment...
nobody else was laughing...
on the work side of life, it's more ridiculous than ever as the person they chose to give me as an assistant has none of the prerequisit skills needed to do the job and must be talk from the ground up, which will take weeks, possibly months, and even then she may not get up to speed to do even a third of the job... that leaves the other two thirds to me, which will probably not leave enough time to do my primary job unless I become one of those figure-head Director's who do little or nothing (or the bare minimum) and that wasn't the point of taking the job... on the plus side, this gives me the incentive to consider this not the two year minimum commitment I initially gave it in my head, leading me back to thoughts of relocation earlier... thing is, the lease here is up in Feburary, which means making a decision in December, which is definitely not what I had in mind after Precious found a way to stay home another year...
confused? :}
I'll figure something out, cuz that's what I do... and if the situation at home doesn't change in the next few weeks, I might be looking for a new roommate situation (or possibly a place of my own) around here... I doubt it'll come to that, but Raspy's going to have to start sharing his room and find some way of kicking in in 3/4 of the expenses if we're gonna be four in this space cuz the living room is not a bedroom or a storage area for a heavy smoker's stuff (and the bottom line is mine are the expenses that go up when we add a person cuz I cover all the utilities)...
yeah, so anyway, I'm distracted... but like a weird road trip with odd companions, there's always something amusing to distract me from the unpleasant distractions and I focus on the amusing stuff most of the time (some might say too much of the time, but hey, I come down when someone inspires me too :)
I'm gonna go write today's entry now if there are any words left in my head... so if you're not quick, this one will pass into yesterday before you know it and be left for the archivists and obsessed fans (or really bored people who browse backwards and respond to old blog entries as if it was now late at night)... hey, I'm easily amused too, ya know?...
anyway, I would have been here, really, if I knew you were :)
Labels: appreciation, babble, balance, corporate bull, emo, environs, fam, home, irreverence, mtmm, patience, TV, work
posted by candoor at 11:59 PM
2 Comments:
I can't believe Rasputin barely uttered any response to your query! Well, actually, maybe I can... Sorry about the work situation. That has to be enormously frustrating, but maybe relocation is the way to go. Though, I do understand what you mean about Precious. Quite a quandry you have there. :(
quandry always reminds me of quary, like rock quary, like bedrock quary, like the fintstones, meet the flintstones, they're a page right out of history and more, there's precious rocks and minerals in a quandry if you have patience and mine just right, so yabbadabbadoo :)
I appreciate you :)
Rasputin routinely zones into the TV, so the 'conversation' was quite normal for him...
I wish Precious wasn't so lazy and spoiled cuz she sometimes forgets that it's her insecurity that has overeating, avoiding responsibility, putting on carefree cloak, flippant facade, arrogant air, and sarcastic tone more and more as she crosses into late teen years...
I suppose Odysseus got most of the space-case self-destructive lazy genes, but in some ways he's not far from the other trees in their family...
thanks for reading this :)
and for using the word quandry :)
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