we missed nothing

I refer to this entry, which was not uploade, I believe, unless I am wrong, which is altogether possible, but here it is anyway, way back (maybe it'll need z0tl's wayback machine to be noticed), but then, probab;ly where it belongs as the pathetic lament is past as it always is once I stop playing helpless and fix whatever is wrong...

anyway, this was the last helpless lament over the laptop before I decided to fix it... included are comments professing my vast genius and insight, self-depreciating humor aside, and wisdom... brought to you be truth in advertising as the attempt to be human continues and the fool exposes the guru for the fool that he truly is...

ready, set, go...

something tells me, instinct or whatever, that I should read this and take it seriously and find the time and energy and focus and motivation (not necessarily in that order) to do it in the physical reality, that is, actualize it and stop simply nodding my head in apparently respectful acknowledgement, if not obvious agreement… and once again I nod off in the big green chair on a Monday night instead of doing any of the above or even staying awake to enjoy the Monday night TV shows that sometimes hold my attention (mostly Heroes, Enterprise and sometimes others… obviously nothing is actually holding my attention for long these days… and maybe it is my energy that is negatively effecting this laptop and not the other way around…

but it's so fucking slow…

that's French for putand, retard! or something like that... also, Microsoft sucks!... but seriously, I expected a P4 1GB machine to run circles around the PII 64MB machine, but the desktop browsed the web and opened programs just as fast as this laptop… still, I am sitting in the big green chair again and I am too dang comfortable to get up and set up the Mac desktop to see if that'll give me more instant gratification… obviously this laptop is frustrating me cuz, after all, I got all sorts of descriptive in describing it just now, aye?...

what's all this about imaginal cells in the human heart?...

I am growing (or not growing) tired of this phase of laziness and lack of motivation and even more tired of blaming Rasputin and Precious for their habits and influence because I am not them and they're not the boss of me and I am in my own control and I make my own choices and I know this all too well so the bullshit I try to sell myself so half-heartedly is souring and not as humorous as it sometimes can be…

maybe I should just turn off the TV…

I thought getting a 1GB laptop would help in that sense as it would give me some increased mobility and more importantly, more interactive capabilities and more music, but this laptop has just added to the traffic jam in my creative flow as it offers obstacles and challenges, not motivation, creative inspiration, or facilitation… maybe I just need to adjust… maybe I just need to cut my losses and toss it in the dumpster and start over next year…

maybe I just need an attitude check (duh, huh?)…

not enough exercise, not enough sleep, not enough motivation, not enough time off work, not enough whatever… the iTunes player sucks, by the way… I mean it's inconvenient and lacks essential features… how does something become so popular when there are so many better music players out there is just one more mystery the human race provides as it continues to demonstrate a lack of common sense and general stupidity… maybe I should remember my comments and practice what I preach, aye?... ahem:

I wonder how much projecting and judging of others you were doing outside of your head, behind your walls, rather than being where you were and letting the energy in... energy pounding on walls meant to keep it out usually sounds unpleasant, even din-like...

on the other hand, I rarely go to the drunk gatherings anymore because the alcohol and drugs are usually just substitute walls... I'd rather be with people who do not put up walls of any sort to anything, but rather open themselves to enjoy everything...

here is my judgmental perspective:

I think those who seek silence and stillness outside of themselves often have turmoil inside and wish to emulate the silent stillness somehow, as if it was contagious or something... they do not want to belong as much as they want to be right...

in a similar sense, those who seek the din of drink and drugs and party-life have boredom inside (or a different sort of turmoil) and seek to lose themselves in the communal energy... they do not want to be right as much as they want to belong...

those with peace and contentment inside accept the energy around them as it is and take from it the positive influence or stimulus it can be... they do not want to belong or be right as much as they simply want to be...

I'll let you know when I find some place like that among humans…

it really is so much easier to give advice than to take it, or do it for that matter, isn’t it?...

loneliness leads to as many mistakes and poor perspectives and misunderstandings as any trauma, cruelty, or hurt...

it is not always easy to know when we are reaching out from and for love and when we are reaching out to fill a void, out of loneliness more than love...

may you reach deep inside and find the difference and know your motivation, for then, you can be master of your expectations and cooperate with your desires, instead of letting them control you...

yeah, so anyway, I know better and can do better and just produce entries like this as a public service to humanity in my ever futile attempt to become more human (you did read the sidebar, didn't you?)… we can't have you thinking I've got it all together and can't relate to the common human foibles, after all, I mean, we would not want to alienate the ever growing audience of silent film stars out there, right?...

and as we all let out a collective OY!, which reminds me simultaneously of The pig-dog creature from The Dark Tower series and the exclamation the Japanese character on Heroes blurts out rather often, though in this particular case a sigh, rather than a squeal f excitement, might be more appropriate… not that being appropriate has ever been one of my many lofty goals in this life, even during these mundane times of trying to be more like a human, but fun comes in all shapes and sizes and at the moment, I'm welcoming all I can get cuz the blues are knocking on the door like a thick fog in the night that wraps itself around buildings and swallows all light, as if it had consciousness and sought domination of space and time (what?... Stephen King, the phone is for you)…

all I ever wanted was for someone to care… ever since I can remember, I've looked out through the eyes in this head and hoped to see someone looking back at me with true understanding, or at least a sincere desire to and the real potential to understand… but you can't always get all you've ever wanted, after all, even if your poppa wasn't a rolling stone, I suppose… giggle, wiggle, and sigh...

"They ask me why I don't behave myself. I say "when you expose your true nature, then I will act my age." ~ Rumi