"a"(m)e=hhr(squared)
three daily blogs?... no, actually, two daily blogs and a diary… so what happened to the journal?... is the journal too personal?... to serious?... am i serious?... i am laughing, but that doesn’t mean i am not serious… why all the public writing?...
well, since i am asking, i’ll ponder an answer…
of course i want to believe that someone out there in this universe lives to know everything about me because she (or he, but i’d personally prefer a she if we’re talking about mad love, unless it’s purely platonic, if that is possible, but then, anything is possible, so whomever) is madly in love with me and lives to catch my next breath…
hey, what do you expect from a hopelessly hopeful romantic?...
any of you who are understand what i mean, if not exactly, then approximately enough (i’m not alone, just ask zoe, who is much more amusing and adept at manipulating language in her quest… she’s also much more adorable, which may or may not give her an advantage, but we can compare notes some other time for i am about to orate about hopelessly hopeful romanticism)…
to share every moment of life and whatever else is beyond life, to live and breath to be with someone because they complete the perfect sharing you’ve always dreamed of… the symbiotic relationship that life is all about… and i say that anyone who claims they do not want this lives in denial… or is blinded by wounds and scars and is afraid to hope for it… hopeful romantics are not hopelessly hopeful romantics, after all…
we are of a different core, a core that will give it all every time no matter what happened yesterday… we are the ones who are ridiculous fools for love… we sing you’ll never walk alone and the impossible dream (except we know it is possible)… we don’t just give peace a chance, we live it and share it and sometimes, get walked all over for the open sharing and giving we do… but we will not change…
not the hopelessly aspect of being hopeful… it means we are gonna be hopeful even when hoping seems like the most ridiculously foolish thing that could ever be possibly be done by anyone anywhere at any time… all we need is love is a belief system… nothing can deter us from our faith in being in love…
we are addicts, actually… addicted to the bio-chemical hormonal rush of giving on every level unconditional trust to someone, the physio-emotional changes in the brain and body when belief is unquestioned and no challenge can sway us…
it is the belief in being in love, not necessarily belief in one single individual (important distinction between those hopelessly hopeful romantics who live relatively healthy emotional lives and those who become obsessive compulsive stalkers), but a belief that there is one individual out there who matches us in every way so the idyllic falling in love can actually happen…
yeah, so that’s why, for the moment, three daily blogs, or more accurately, two blogs (brief record of daily life and babbling record of daily life and whatever else comes to mind) and a diary (the babbling he does to maintain balance, equilibrium, sanity, and world peace)… and a dozen other writing spaces find something scribbled in them at least once a week and another dozen at least a couple of times a month and still more on occasion, all forming the written gardens that share me in words when nobody is around (so every moment, even alone, the sharing can continue)…
makes sense to me…
and if it makes sense to you, then yay you… hopelessly hopeful romantics unite!... hhr is not something to be shamed or hidden away under the covers… i know there are others out there, but exposure is a challenge… people mock us… use us… abuse us… but for those who truly think it seems safer in the closet, confession is the better part of valor, or something like that… you can dream, watch it on tv or movies, have wonderful masturbatory fantasy, or you can risk it all and live the hhr (soon it’ll be the latest addition to the dsm-v) lifestyle for all you’re worth and then, (and only then) have the chance to actually actualize sharing it…
all we are saying is give hhr a chance…
so anyway, to conclude and refurbish your undying faith in my judgment (or slap some irreverent closure on yet another fanciful entry, your choice), i give you give you the latest results from the many doctors and scientists studying my brain…
from my experience with psycho-tests, even the well established ones like myers-briggs, the results can change with the weather because they are generally based on mood… taking the test a hundred times and averaging the answers would probably give more accuracy, but here was the impromptu result for this introspective weekend…
but what does it mean?...
that, my friends and all others stopping by, is for the winds of chance to whisper in your ear one quiet night when you least expect it, curled up on a couch or pillow next to me, cuz the only real way to know is to be here sharing me in time and space to come to your own conclusions…
everything else is just a two dimensional representation of what we think, feel, and imagine might be… though these days you can find three semi-different (sometimes very different) two-dimensional representations plus more, which would make six mathematically, however it doesn’t work that way once you get into the bio-psycho-physics of the literary representations and other philosophical analysis we will benevolently leave for another time so that the serious profundity can be lightened by the irreverent seriousness and ultimately, by reader’s choice, be accepted, rejected, understood or misunderstood, pondered or perplexed, or missed entirely)… some days i think more than others… other days i don’t think at all… still, every day, i babble…
and everything changes, which changes everything…
but i love you anyway, again, right now :)
well, since i am asking, i’ll ponder an answer…
of course i want to believe that someone out there in this universe lives to know everything about me because she (or he, but i’d personally prefer a she if we’re talking about mad love, unless it’s purely platonic, if that is possible, but then, anything is possible, so whomever) is madly in love with me and lives to catch my next breath…
hey, what do you expect from a hopelessly hopeful romantic?...
any of you who are understand what i mean, if not exactly, then approximately enough (i’m not alone, just ask zoe, who is much more amusing and adept at manipulating language in her quest… she’s also much more adorable, which may or may not give her an advantage, but we can compare notes some other time for i am about to orate about hopelessly hopeful romanticism)…
to share every moment of life and whatever else is beyond life, to live and breath to be with someone because they complete the perfect sharing you’ve always dreamed of… the symbiotic relationship that life is all about… and i say that anyone who claims they do not want this lives in denial… or is blinded by wounds and scars and is afraid to hope for it… hopeful romantics are not hopelessly hopeful romantics, after all…
we are of a different core, a core that will give it all every time no matter what happened yesterday… we are the ones who are ridiculous fools for love… we sing you’ll never walk alone and the impossible dream (except we know it is possible)… we don’t just give peace a chance, we live it and share it and sometimes, get walked all over for the open sharing and giving we do… but we will not change…
not the hopelessly aspect of being hopeful… it means we are gonna be hopeful even when hoping seems like the most ridiculously foolish thing that could ever be possibly be done by anyone anywhere at any time… all we need is love is a belief system… nothing can deter us from our faith in being in love…
we are addicts, actually… addicted to the bio-chemical hormonal rush of giving on every level unconditional trust to someone, the physio-emotional changes in the brain and body when belief is unquestioned and no challenge can sway us…
it is the belief in being in love, not necessarily belief in one single individual (important distinction between those hopelessly hopeful romantics who live relatively healthy emotional lives and those who become obsessive compulsive stalkers), but a belief that there is one individual out there who matches us in every way so the idyllic falling in love can actually happen…
yeah, so that’s why, for the moment, three daily blogs, or more accurately, two blogs (brief record of daily life and babbling record of daily life and whatever else comes to mind) and a diary (the babbling he does to maintain balance, equilibrium, sanity, and world peace)… and a dozen other writing spaces find something scribbled in them at least once a week and another dozen at least a couple of times a month and still more on occasion, all forming the written gardens that share me in words when nobody is around (so every moment, even alone, the sharing can continue)…
makes sense to me…
and if it makes sense to you, then yay you… hopelessly hopeful romantics unite!... hhr is not something to be shamed or hidden away under the covers… i know there are others out there, but exposure is a challenge… people mock us… use us… abuse us… but for those who truly think it seems safer in the closet, confession is the better part of valor, or something like that… you can dream, watch it on tv or movies, have wonderful masturbatory fantasy, or you can risk it all and live the hhr (soon it’ll be the latest addition to the dsm-v) lifestyle for all you’re worth and then, (and only then) have the chance to actually actualize sharing it…
all we are saying is give hhr a chance…
so anyway, to conclude and refurbish your undying faith in my judgment (or slap some irreverent closure on yet another fanciful entry, your choice), i give you give you the latest results from the many doctors and scientists studying my brain…
from my experience with psycho-tests, even the well established ones like myers-briggs, the results can change with the weather because they are generally based on mood… taking the test a hundred times and averaging the answers would probably give more accuracy, but here was the impromptu result for this introspective weekend…
but what does it mean?...
that, my friends and all others stopping by, is for the winds of chance to whisper in your ear one quiet night when you least expect it, curled up on a couch or pillow next to me, cuz the only real way to know is to be here sharing me in time and space to come to your own conclusions…
everything else is just a two dimensional representation of what we think, feel, and imagine might be… though these days you can find three semi-different (sometimes very different) two-dimensional representations plus more, which would make six mathematically, however it doesn’t work that way once you get into the bio-psycho-physics of the literary representations and other philosophical analysis we will benevolently leave for another time so that the serious profundity can be lightened by the irreverent seriousness and ultimately, by reader’s choice, be accepted, rejected, understood or misunderstood, pondered or perplexed, or missed entirely)… some days i think more than others… other days i don’t think at all… still, every day, i babble…
and everything changes, which changes everything…
but i love you anyway, again, right now :)
Labels: aye?, babble, belief, egmo, emusing, giggles, hhr, hope, lam, loneli, love, mtmm, perspective, psych, secrets, serious, smile, tests, thereal
posted by candoor at 11:48 AM
4 Comments:
"to share every moment of life and whatever else is beyond life, to live and breath to be with someone because they complete the perfect sharing you’ve always dreamed of … the symbiotic relationship that life is all about … and i say that anyone who claims they do not want this lives in denial … or is blinded by wounds and scars and is afraid to hope for it … hopeful romantics are not hopelessly hopeful romantics, after all …"
Funny thing is one can never be sure what one has when one finds it
Take my last love, she made my life complete. But it seems I was just excess baggage (her life was already complete with her little girl) - whereas I was the first bit of baggage to be jettisoned when she felt under stress.
Ended up having the saddest two months of my life (birthday and xmas) ever.
I guess you never really know or appreciate what you have until you've lost it - though I never think I really had her, nor was she ever really mine, even when we were bareback riding thrice a day (breakfast, noon & night - and then some) when she was off the pill
The silly thing is I wanted to be everything she wanted, whereas she was convinced she was not what I wanted, and gave up making any effort to make it work. And me I was left not knowing what to do.
But hell Candoor, it's something we all have to go through (some more often than others, and some for longer). So I guess the best we can hope for is love the one we are with (as they are) rather than love the one we really lovem the one we romanticise over, or start finding faults with the one we are with.
All the best
PS - Let your hair down New Year's Eve. Go out somewhere, and see who you wake-up to stat the New Year with.
That's what I did last year.
Sure it didn't last, maybe it was not meant to be - but in all honesty I had the best shag ever for the last ten months
And you know what they saqy - better to have loved, and lost or got hurt, than never to have loved at all.
thank you for sharing this q...
i am out socializing more nights than i am home (which is why this weekend of self-time at home alone was so wonderful for me)... i find amusement and enjoyment, but so far this past year, minimal to no attraction... when someone appeals to me for intimacy, i shall invite her in... i should perhaps get an actual bed, or at least a couch, i suppose :)
i'd settle for animal attraction if it appeared, even though i much prefer the full romance of the heart...
and i agree... it is better to have loved, even during the peak of the pain of the loss, for that pain is proof of the intensity of the love and hope that love will come again... while others may shun or fear it, i befriend the pain, for i know it is my heart yearning for love... wanting so intensely that it hurts... but that same wanting is what makes love so precious and magical when someone shares it...
turning down the flame because it can cause pain only makes one colder...
hiding from the love that this life is made of only makes one older...
i am out there much more than i am here and every day a little bolder...
an open heart awaits the merging of two fates and sharing comforting shoulders...
hugs to you both for sharing...and for caring and believing in love, and thank you for keeping your hearts open and receptive and hopeful ... the wounds are open and run deep for me too ... for anyone who has given everything they can to someone else ... thought it is inevitable to have to face the separation some day ... but hearts full of love to give only grow bigger for having shared it each and every time and also always find places to share it again
:)
i'm all bouncy and bummed and achy and feeling wonderful at the same time... partly cuz i got to the gym twice yesterday and will be heading there in a few minutes again today... partly cuz i made time to babble behind the candoor (and you should see how i played with this entry (and my psyche) over there)... partly cuz i am finally taking time to unpack and sort through this space... the bummers are facing the long run back to really being where i want tom be physically, the expensive walk to fill this place with actual furniture so it might be hospitable for company, and the realization that my partner in all i do is still floating about out there oblivious to my actual being alive (though we probably sense each other)... so i go to the gym alone and i set up this space alone and i babble alone and i long for the people who will share the whole me (or at least the activities on a daily basis) and sigh and all... of course waiting around for someone to nurse me back to where i ought to be isn't working, so i'll go it alone if that's how it must be cuz... singing always helps :)
in the end, the excitement and happy happy joy joy is the big winner cuz i am doing stuff i need to do to make me happy and be more able to share everything i want to share the way i want to share it...
and now, to the gym again :)
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