my personal santa

sleep, sweet sleep, though still have not put the bed together and sleeping on the mattress on the floor is not good here… it’s the mattress getting old, the trouble with a metal coil mattress that has been moved and stepped on and slept on for too many years… especially the stepped on part… and a caffeine withdrawal sugar hangover headache nags at the moment and that is woke me from my big green chair slumbers… unfortunately, the big green chair is falling apart and no longer uniformly supporting, so it is an awkward sleep as well… remedies cost money and giving away more than a thousand dollars to others last week does not inspire me to spend any this week... the body, however, demands something be done… and rest, deep rest…

time to cleanse?... i have five days to do it (and longer if i just muddle through the two days i work next week)... it has been a long long time since i took a month or few to do a complete cleansing… and it does take at least a month… a cave with a steam fire would be a wonderful vacation… why have i not found an apartment with a steam room or sauna?... sauna and hot tubs used to be very prevalent… i wonder if accidents and lawyers shut down the viability for most apartment communities…

the water heater in this place is not set very hot and i’ve been putting off addressing that, like i’ve been putting off unpacking, like i’ve been putting off the cleansing and weight loss and exercise and running… waiting for a magical butterflies are free neighbor to move in and offer the inspiration motivation right in my face in the physical space… thirty or forty minutes drive away just seems so far for one who loves spontaneity and immediate gratification and constant connection…

and then i wrote in thereal (sorta):

i am always looking for reasons and rhymes... but ”why should i?” is not a helpful question for me as long as i am looking outside of myself for an answer... i ought to be amazed that i have let the wait go on for so long... and the bloat… and the apathy... ambivalence... casual suicide... being human... and the american way... queue music…

hmmmmm, time for a resurrection?...

kind of obscure for thereal...

but real nonetheless…

and in RealTime™ no less, the drifting in and out of sleep bring introspective words, perhaps some from dreams yet incomplete, perhaps some from elsewhere, but all for you (and me, of course), brought by my own personal santa who hears my wishes and delivers whenever i focus and create the spirit of giving for myself (shhhh, don’t spoil the illusion, aye?)…

this may be the start of a more introspective path (or perhaps it is simply a thread that has flowed through every writing space from the start, the thread that flows from deep within amidst all the random babbling and irreverent asides and observations of life and seemingly casual nonchalance afforded the perfect being in the imperfect world…

the grand illusion you may never see unless you come close enough to breath the air i exhale… or perhaps, if you are astute and wise and lucky and in the right place at the right time in the right frame of your own mind, you might etch-a-sketch it yourself on your own internal palette and come to some understanding of what it all might mean in the big picture (and if you can color it in, you know how to begin)…

and the voices carry…

oh, there he goes again, rambling off on some conceptual reasoning and losing everyone in the process… time for a break and when i get back, he’ll probably be finishing up and won’t even know i was gone…

ok, i unscrewed the panels on the water heater and turned it up to about 125 degrees… it was down around 100 degrees or so, though it is impossible to tell for sure as the contol is a cheap plastic ring around a metal screw and each turn independently, so if the plastic ring was not calibrated accurately in the first place, the temperature scale means nothing… and i almost completely cleared the kitchen of boxes and except for scrubbing down the counters, it is as good as it’s gonna get… way too little counter space for me to take cooking seriously, but then, i adapt… more boxes unpacked, perhaps 40% now… and eyeing the mac… need a way to store the cdstacks piled on the table… shelves… definitely need shelves… for books, music, and in the bedroom, clothes…

put the wire box shelves together?...

no, more nap :)