all we are saying...

ok, being a follower of reluctant proportions, it took me days, at least, to stumble in line behind the z and that's after years of procrastinating about which or what computer to buy knowing all along tht anything would do what I wanted it to do as long as I didn't ask too much and I didn't download incompatible junk...

so I am a Firefox user.... I'd much rather be a Firefly user, because the girls are so cute and Mal has a real hero ethic perspective going... but more than sex, this week was about love... love, love love, to quote the Beatles scholars, John and friends who got by with a little help from all of us in spite of the stones cast by the folk living in the glass houses on the hill...

and once upon a time I ran more regularly and slept more regularly and mode love more regularly and it was not that I was any sort of regular guy, but I was more balanced... and it is, as the prophets of the Moody Blues once said, a question of balance... and a matter of trust, to quote the sage with the two first names, Billy Joel (not completely unrelated to Bill Jack, I suppose)...

and so I drift teary eyed from lack of sleep into the mystic, to follow the Van (not too far removed from the Jim, I suppose) from one warped tour to another... the white van that meg and Dia drive around, no doubt, would be just fine... but the energy wanes even as this entry begs to take off to the wild blue yonder where rainbows begin and end (at least as far as we can see, but then, we should know there is so much more and so many colors to a rainbow, as the holy man Harry preached in the time of Caanan and Carter, just before the dawn of the even of Reagan....

and the jesters sang senseless oratory as the band tuned up for the final song, a grand crescendo of peace and hysterics, rocking from the cradle to the grave and the stage in between... not to forget the minstrel Don of the McLain mclan who reminded us all that this world was never meant for one as sensitive as birthed to be free and not buy into the age old fears or rules that empower them...

and unwed mothers cry in shame
while old men priests play the blame game
condemn you but don't ask your name
false virtue is their claim to fame
behind the robes they wear their masks
to cover their unholy tasks
in the name of god who fronts for greed
and teaches liars how to need
while truth and children left to bleed
are too put down to take the lead
with pessimism running high
idealists try to touch the sky
and pragmatists just make ends meet
while realists live on the street
in the great letting go
it's all part of the show
even if we're the last ones to know
and so all is much better well (to come out of the dance with odd muses and return to the present in RealTime™ experience where painted ponies go round and round and wild horses come to carry me away)... you don't have to have imagination, most people get by without one... but just in case you are of the few who do, bless the beasts and children with me one more time while I relate the late night thoughts flashing randomly through the synapses in which I realize consciousness in this life...

as I am slipping into the seductive sounds of Jarah Jane Personal CD that reminds me of so much I could be overwhelmed if that was possible, but as it seems not, I am fulfilled from afar with the mysty memories and fanciful fantasies and hopes for humanity, or at least the one cuz sensuality is not dead yet and neither am I...

take me back to Jen Chapin, why dontcha...

but I never wanted fame (and not so much fortune as I gave it all away)... all I ever wanted was one devoted soul, one number one fan, one insatiable lover, one uncompromising promise, one mother sister savior daughter, one honest love, one partner in crime to share everything... to be the cheerleader and the cheer... to share the pedestal of mutual worship and idolization and passion for being together, always... to actualize the peace of unconditional trust... someone to, as John Denver and now Jarah Jane say, take me home... yes, and to know all we are saying, is give peace a chance...

together as one...

nite nite my friends... maybe you dreams come true and even if they don't may you still dream them and believe they can...

if life is a song...

make it a duet.

at least,

for almost every song is more beautiful when sung in harmony... note I did say almost, but I'll leave that for others to ponder as I choose to hope for the ideal world that can be if we'd all sing in harmony (and appreciate and support the solos as part of the our shared song)...

and once I sang:

give life to the love deep inside
for the love that you hide
will be gone once you've died

give life to the tears you have cried
for the love you've denied
becomes pain when kept inside

give song to your heart and sing
the words you know are true
give song to your soul and sing
the words you know are you

and watch it become a verse in the song of humanity
for that is the way of love when it is spoken honestly
and feel as it leads to the chorus we all know so well
shared it brings the blessings of heaven
repressed it brings the curses of hell
listen children to these secrets grown-ups seldom tell
and sing your song of life sing the song of your love
sing to share and not to sell
and you will understand everything
before the last bell

give song to your heart and sing
the words you know are true
give song to your soul and sing
the words you know are you
what life through yon window breaks (beware, the shatter pane, invisible to all but the heart that knows the ways of betrayal and the dangers of blind mirth)... embrace the endowed spirit with all you are, for the flight, for the fall, for the gasp, for the call of the wild deep inside everywhere... and listen for the song of the essence, let it know you are there... join in the song with your presence (all you have to do is care)... honesty makes you aware there is nothing to fear... you'll know you've arrived... when you get here...

and once I sang:

and the small circle of humanity at the top of the cultural food chain (and the evolutionary food chain as well, but that's another story) do not want to look down upon the rest as if they could understand the difference, but rather look to embrace the recognition of being where they are and appreciate others who show love, if only in awe, and occasionally manifest a deep loneliness for the moments shared with those who have been there...

and a few, starving artists and deliberate vagabonds and cast-offs from the lifestyle, look up at where they've been and see memories akin to the stories of the gods of Olympus, lost between time and space, myth and legend, being there and being here... and like ghost of another time or fallen angels, they appear like anyone except to those who can see the shadows of the ghosts they once were (and still are inside, invisible to the masses as they've assimilated the common ways, but nonetheless themselves)...

poets have long attempted the expression of such people and journeys, a few may have come close, but what is beyond words might be expressed in some other are or better, in love for the few who have known and can understand...

the presence, the energy, the gifts are all around us for anyone open... blessed and cursed by their each individual choice, we become the myriad of faces woven into the tapestry of humanity...

never meaning to be elite or aloof, Adolf struggled with his feelings of inadequacy until it tore him apart and left him a shell of a man with a pain so deep it blinded him to his own humanity... not Eve nor god herself could have reached him, but did none try, I wonder... could Aphrodite have soften his heart?... could Bacchus have cheered his spirit?... could anyone have reach the child inside?... when lost in a fairy tale written by the devil, a paradox within a fantasy within a myth within a legend within a story millions might believe to be history, how can we separate reality from fantasy and know?...

honesty is such a lonely word...

but the laughter of children can save us from the depths of despair that our own ignorance leads us to, like moths to the flame, like lemmings to the light, like Icarus to the heavens... to know what many call God is not to venture up or anywhere, it is simply to be honest inside... and to be in that small circle of humanity is not to leave this world or others behind, it is simply to actualize such awareness in this physical world... to sing your song...

and then this one time, in RealTime™...

I love you
even if you never know
or believe it could be so
I love you with all my heart
that is what I do
this is who I am

I love you
even if you live in fear
or put cotton in your ear
I love you with all my soul
because you are you
you don't need to understand

it might be better if you knew
if you would comprehend
you'd not feel so alone
you've always had a friend
who cares to know your heart
and all that's on your mind
I will protect your soul
from the cruel and unkind
we share the DNA
we share the energy
we share experience
even if you do not see
this life is where we are
all part of energy
a living symbiosis
all branches of one tree
so there's no better choice
than to embrace the truth
the answers that we knew
before we sold our youth
when all there was to do
was reach out and play
to just be me and you
and not afraid to say
I love you
there is no better way
I love you
right here, right now, today
and at home, I ate like I was at a feast, then, in my seventeenth hour awake, ran for an hour (thank you for the reminder)... and I faced the sour notes at work and prepare for the sad conclusion the morning shall bring (that woke me and brought me here to write these words, I suppose)... and in spite of it all, today was a good day (and thank you for the inspiration)... each of you, in your own way, provided exactly what was required to bring me to a peaceful bliss...

yes so in spite of it all, today was a good day... today was a good day, because of it all... because honesty lead the way, I knew just what to say, and it doesn't matter if I soar or I fall... when honesty leads the way, every day is a good day, when honesty leads the way, we can heart our heart's call... when honesty leads the way, we can answer... and make the best of it all :)

nite nite, my wonderful friends and all ships at sea... may your light guide you to a safe harbor where you find comfort, sustenance, and rest... and may tomorrow find you off on another adventure, singing your song in harmony with the universe, knowing you are loved because you are part of it all...

yay :)

this would be Wednesday

even though it's Friday morning in, what's that?, RealTime™... I have about fifteen minutes (if I am to be my usual semi-late for work) before getting dressed and thought I'd visit al of you... quiet night everywhere, from what I see... s'ok, I suppose, as I don't have much time weekdays to read and respond as I'd like (did I say babble?), but it's still nice to know you're out there doing your thing while I'm out there doing mine...

and if we take that use of there to mean offline then it's also nice to know you are here doing your thing too, here being online as offopsed to the more egocentric here (this particular web page)...

so my quiet night reference was in regard to roaming around to your online worlds and finding you didn't have much time to say (or words to write) this week either, not that you wrote less than I did cuz you at least are not backed up to Wednesday, but hopefully you know what I mean (it's not a competition, after all, I am just taking a really long winded path to say I miss you duh)...

not that I miss duh... I miss you...

but all semantic play aside (well, maybe not all cuz that wouldn't be me, not would it?), I hope all is well in your world and we get to communicating more again soon...

around here, as of Friday morning we still have an uninvited unexpected house guest, but perhaps I should stil to Wednesday so you follow the linear events and might actually understand a thing or two instead of just scratching your head wondering what I am rambling on about (hopefully somewhat amused, if only in that cordial way we smile at senile dancers who forgot to put on clothes before wadding {kind of swaying in their limited form of dance} through the public fountain at sunrise when the local constabulary come by to remind them and escort them back t0 the home)...

look at the pretty sunrise :)

anyway, Rasputin's brother has been living with his mom for a long time, working on and off, and basically being supported by her... she's been trying to figure a way out of the situation for years cuz she's past normal human retirement age and would like to spend a little time alive without a dependent child in her space and packetbook all the time... so she finally, rather suddenly, picked up and moved out west to live in the same city that her other son (who'smarried with kids, a house, and quite independent) lives... she called last week or so to let us know...

we should have guessed, but the August rent was not paid on her apartment in Florida (they lived three or four hours away) and the Florida brother appeared at the door a couple of nights ago around 1am... apparently he had enough money left to take a bus to Orlando and take a cab from downtown (20+ miles) to here... and so I woke to find knapsacks in the living room and extra dirty stuff around the house (and the distinct smell of must, sweat, and cigarettes) yesterday morning (that would be this morning, I think, Wednesday-wise)...

nobody's mentioned the change of living arrangements yet (as of Friday morning)... in fact, except for some awkward glances from Precious (who looked like she was calling out for help) while they were all sitting together in the living room, I wouldn't even know they noticed me living here (which is the way for them, staring at the TV and ignoring the dirty dishes and piles of crap they leave everywhere, if you recall, but I understand, they don't know what to say so they avoid acknowledging my presence so they don't have to say anything... don'tcha just love humans in denial?... isn't everybody?... ok, we should not be laughing)...

when I get home tonight, hopefully there'll be some time for some conversation, but we shall see... I might just give them the quiet time they need to sort things out and wait for Raspy to tell me what they've figured out... hopefully one of the things they figured out was not asking me for money cuz Raspy already borrwed more than a grand for himself and his family in the past few years and he's always broke so returning what were supposed to be loans hasn't happened yet...

story of my life, aye?...

shhhh, I know better, you oughta know that by now and if you don't well, shhhh, I know better (he says with his god0like all-knowing sighing-smile)... hey, if giving away money and stuff gets a guy into heaven or whatever good thing happening after this life (if there is anything happening after this life), then I figure giving away more than six figures of dollars gives me some credit with the universal bankers... or else I just like the karma feeling I get from knowing I gave a whole lot more than I've received in this life (and money or material is the least of the values I mean :)

that's why I stay relatively poor now, so I don't have a line at the door (if you are laughing, you might understand me better than we thought... truth is amusing sometimes, even when it seems to be unfair or even suck :)

I'll be back with more updates tonight (I think) and who knows, we might breeze right through Thursday and realize it is Friday and any day now I'll pick up the phone and communicate in real RealTime™ and then, who knows what mischief I'll get into... mischeif?... neither spelling ever looks right for that word... I think that's appropriate and a perfect example of how my brain works... the work is supposed to be mischevous, after all...

today is starting out to be a great day cuz these words have me bouncing so I am heading out to work (after dressing, I'm not a senile dancer yet... well, at least not during work-hours... much) and I hope your day is as wonderful as mine...

even more so, cuz that's very possible too :)