holy johasenpheffer

it was a night much like any other night, the wind blowing softly through the trees, the smell of magnolia in the air, a soft mist curling around the land giving peripheral vision a calm, fuzzy appearance... and then i was driving home...

after work, after the batting cages, after the game, after hanging with the team and playing darts and drinking a few beers (yes, Heineken reacquainted itself with this body i inhabit after quite a few years without talking) and suddenly i heard the voice in my head that usually curses at me and asks the obvious questions...

what the fuck are you doing to yourself?

since i don't fuck around with the word fuck too often, it usually gets my attention when the voice, heretofore to be known as the fucking voice in my head, speaks up as if it just woke up and realized something so obvious that i must be a fool to have missed it... of course this usually is reserved for (or leads me back to) the lands of the mostly dead (see sidebar for links if you are new here and simply must satisfy your insatiable, or even slight, curiosity)...

it was the wake up call that comes now and then when i am in a self-destructive loop or simply neglecting self-care in some way, life maybe bloating up and tossing away years of life by not exercising and eating too extreme and not regulating sugar levels and blood pressure and all the systems and organs and stuff that make the body go on and on and on and...

i suppose a majority of people might believe it is impossible, but not i, don quixote, the lord of la mancha, la la la la la la la la... poncho, my armor!... poncho my sword!... poncho, my ass! (no, that wasn't a gay joke, he rode a donkey, don't you know the story?... well you see, these windmills started talking to this nice man who lived in the country and there was a misunderstanding and they had a falling out and all sorts of people got involved and riled up and... ok, let it be)...

so i stepped out of the car (remember, then i was driving home) as started to run... well, it wasn't that magical, actually... i brought my clothes upstairs and went back down to the car and got my chronograph and some paper towels (cuz i didn't have a hanky or small towel) and off i went, one foot in front of the other, like i had actually maybe gotten some rest and had all this entra energy to burn off after midnight...

ah, midnight, my personal witching hour (and no, i am not cinderella, nor cinderfella neither) when for whatever reason the cosmos may tell me one day, or not, the energy level in this body rises and sometimes, bouncing is all that is left to do... so i bounced along for just over five miles and hopped up the stairs and took a nice moderately warm shower and here we are...

going on 3am... not the song, the time... wide awake and forgetting that i have not slept much in recent weeks except for about once a week when i indulge the body in nodding off in the big green chair and letting sleep swallow me whole, so whole that i don't remember dreams, but i know i usually enjoy them...

yeah, so anyway, then i came to email and found you left some comments so i came to read and just look at with you inspired:

ho ho ho! :)

I really should be keeping up with you and the realtime every night, but then, i've been known to not do what i should do more often than i do what i should do even when i should do what i should do...

shudoo shudoo...

mmmmm, donuts (triple glazing)...

meanwhile, you are wonderful to be here (f course it's still a thrill)... and hope, hope is like mawwaige, a sake-wed twadishun...

ain't no sufferin in my hope, my hope is s drug, the highest high (Tommy knew... you'd laugh and say nothing's that simple :)

numbers got rights!

punctuation, not so much :)

elipsises for president!

i adore you, maybe more than you adore you, but that's ok, cuz i'll be right here adoring you when you finally adore yourself as much as you deserve to be adored...

respected and love and set free and fearless and real too :)

it's a goofy night, i'll tell you more about it in an entry :)

but you know this already, so it's here for the others (hello others :)

i adore you too, even if we never share the feeling, it's good to know it's here... just think about it, maybe it'll get in and make sense... cuz that's what friends are for, you oughta know (strange brew, the cream rising these days, but that is of course musical code for and now for something completely different)...

oragutang soup, watch out for the bones... and if it's hairy, they didn't clean the poor thing well enough before cooking... though there are gourmets who swear the hair enhances the flavor, not to mention doubles as dental floss, which is handy after eating oragutang soup cuz the meat is a little stringy and can get caught in your teeth, kind of like pot roast, though it tastes more like people...

tomorrow's game is canceled on account of the holiday... can't play softball when people want to blow up things on the field... if i suggest that we are quite the destructive species, would that be considered anti-patriotic?... or un, even?...

oh say can you see?...

meanwhile, back to the narcissism of the moment, what really matters is that i am not in love, so don't forget it... and what the fuck am i doing to myself, anyway?... fucking voice in my head, always waits until i am good and engrained in bad habits before it wakes up with the DUH! the DOH! and the uh-huh...

people keep calling my phone... it is so weird... they do not know my history of phone trauma and expect me to use the phone like any normal high school sweetheart... seems i got some s'plainin to do, or so i am told... don't know why, but this, or something remotely like it contained within might come to mind if i had a mind to explore my mind to mind whatever it is i might be not minding, but nevermind, this has little to do with the babbling i do in print on the web, right?...

are you listening? (shhhh, i can hear you :)

so anyway, i am going more and more public and i am now an official assistant organizer of the biggest meetup group in orlando... i found out tonight when i got home and checked email and found one, an email, that is, that told me i was organizing a meetup next Saturday (12th)... like wow, it i was control freaky about my life i just might raise an eyebrow, but then, i did said i'd go the the show and help so cool beans (one of these days i'll learn how to use the website myself :)

i'm not an official assistant organizer in the group i am hosting for this Sunday, so being named officially is a lot of trust, i think, and it's the biggest group in orlando no less... i feel so special (no, look past my usually facetiousness, i really do feel kinda gooey inside being publically recognized by a relative stranger (we met once) as someone trustworthy...

see, a lot to holy johasenpheffer about, aye?...

ok, wide awake at 4am, but time to get about 4 hours sleep... so take care my little johasenpheffers, more adoration for your being alive will follow shortly, or rather long-windedly, to be more precise (oxymoronic metaphors and mixed similes are so much fun are so much fun are so much fun are... hiccup)... I'll catch up on the week in another entry...

nite nite :)

a weeks worth

there is a weeks worth of posts in my head and a year's worth of love in my bed, there is a lifetime of joy still unsaid and an eternity...

George Carlin's dead.

no, no no, no, he's on the outside, looking in...

I still am waiting for him to pop up from a coffin on HBO with that mischievous grin and a sharp "gotcha"... i mean, he should have planned for that at least once cuz, well, that would be him... then he could do one more grand finale tour and call it 'life after death' and tell us all about it... see ya around, George... or even a little square... but logicians, atheists, and freethinkers (kind of an oxymoron in itself, aye?) will always love him (and so many more links to come, someday)...




yeah, so anyway, there are easily a weeks worth of blogs, posts, entries, rambles, and other such literary assaults and fodder for fools to fill in the spaces between this and the last entry and come they shall in due time, but for now i cross the 30 hour awake mark (and have work in two hours and softball practice after work and la dee dah, ain't i the bleary eyed fool once again tonight...

and so the king, is once again our guest...

yes, two showings of JC Superstar over the weekend... a baseball game and a Melissa Etheridge concert and all sorts of fun in between (not to mention work) and life and the babble just did not find time to upload itself... thanks for missing me, even if you never say so (and i suspect there are some readers here who have remained silent ever since my first days on the web (what?... i'm not worth secret admirers and silent stalkers?... of course i am, isn't everybody?)... yeah, whatever, and all that jazz...

maybe i';ll remember to tell you how ATT sucks another time...

i shall sleep two hours or so now and hopefully not die tomorrow because i still have a gotcha to plan out for myself... loosely threaded as the babbling may be, there are messages within the context of the massive missives and assorted words seemingly randomly scattered before your eyes...

take care of yourself, and remember, falling in love can prevent forest fires...

nite nite :)

and the love

well, my bags are all packed and I've got a couple of hours before the flight… I don't have any reason to take the laptop with me this time as I will just have a couple of hours tonight after checking in about 8PM and I'll grab some dinner and vege to sleep cuz tomorrow they have everything planned for all day and evening (some sort of reception at 5PM and banquet at 7PM) and then Thursday I'm scooting right to the airport in Nashville after the half day seminar and then right from the airport in Orlando to the concert in Melbourne and then home, which may be approaching sunrise Friday morning…

I have an appointment with an ear doctor for Monday, couldn't get one sooner… I definitely have something going on as the ear isn't working too well… maybe it's more than just impacted wax, as I used to get that every few years as a younger child… could be an ear infection, though there's no pain… I'm gonna see if I can see a doc at a walk-in clinic around the corner on my way to the airport… it would not be a good thing to lose hearing in the right ear as I already have tinnitus in the left… all those rock concerts catch up with the poor hair-like things in the ears… the seminar might be a waste of time if I can't hear the speaker… where can i get a crash course in lip reading, nyuk nyuk, eeep…

life has been very busy at work and each evening of late (as the calendar on the right sidebar can show if you're interested in the details of what i do with my time away from work and away from here)… much fun, mostly… still no love interest, sex interest, or closer friend interest, but connections continue to be made (through meetups and softball and other things) and numbers keep getting added to my phone and any moment could change everything in the social life… two softball games a week have tested the leg (left hamstring) and it seems to be healing on time… it's the fifth week of the doctor's ordered "no running for six weeks" (yeah, so I play softball twice a week, right) and i am starting to trot down to first base after hitting the ball and even waved off the pinch runner in the last game and trotted to second (where the team left me, alas, the Sunday team is 0-5, though we finally made it to the six inning this past weekend and scored seven runs, so improvement is noted)… i can feel the twinge, but also feel the healing and it i don't over-do it, the leg should be fine…

writing has been at the lowest ebb it's been since the Toronto years when love and family took all the time and i hardly wrote for months at a time.. words still pop out regularly and as the vigilant know, they find their way on to the web in many ways, but this is the first time i am sitting down to catch up with life in RealTime™ since the last entry… and while there are hundreds of details to fill in, there's just no time to do that just now…

if you had any impulse to, please don't use my telephone number until Friday cuz i don't have nationwide service and do not need the roaming charges… i will be back in Orlando on Friday and hopefully will find time to be here (and in your written worlds too) over the weekend… so i leave you with a big smile on my face about life around here and a sad smile about missing you and hope you find something similar going on around your face, whether that's actually physically or mentally ethereally… i shall be back, here, there, and everywhere, cuz that's what i do… and until then, thank you for the interest, the attention, the affection, and the love…

just a moment again

i never did find time to upload all the entry bits piling up... there are even entry bits piling up for other blogs... but i must find sleep cuz the body is trying to heal and without sleep it will not heal well... one of these days the floodgates will burst, somewhere, somehow… just not today…

the body really does eat muscle tissue before fat tissue when it slides into starvation mode during a fast... i learned this today... i must eat much protein to help the hamstring heal... i must eat minimal carbs and fats to keep the body from bloating up during this more-than-ever sedentary period mandated by the hamstring... i also must make time to exercise the muscles that do not need relative immobilization, especially the upper body... yes, this is what i must do... will i?...

there's always hope...

meanwhile, there is much to tell and share and enjoy and i hope to have time to write it all down one of these days... until then, i hope you are enjoying your life and taking care of yourself and know i appreciate your reaching out and leaving me words... like my last comment in the previous entry said:

as silly as it seems on some levels, your words here mean so much cuz they are the only words that really express caring for me in this world these days...

maybe pathetic, maybe sad, maybe joyous for realizing truth and being aware is joyous for me, but it is life as i know it and i embrace it and appreciate knowing that the best parts are the best parts and you are among the best parts… so there, you can all turn red and blush now…

most seriously, i have not had the time to visit much... i wish i had more time to visit with you and read and comment and let you know i care and wish we could be closer friends, but between work and the social life i am developing and the sports i am getting back into and sleep (something i really need more of), i spend less time on the net than i have in years... so i do not have the time to leave seductive or witty or clever little comments on your blogs that compel you to visit here and expose your idyllic worship of my irresistible literary personality... alas, all the missed opportunities, aye?...

maybe i should have said mostly seriously...

ok, true deal... i wish more of you would visit more and worship me more leave your words of wisdom here, come to know me, let me know you, and realize how we are friends who should stay in touch more often... no really, i am serious... just look at the sidebar, for gosh sakes, you are revered beyond your wildest dreams... respected and admired and most welcome here...

and if you have the time, there is new growth on the branches off the tree of madness, not to mention other super secret ways of finding my indiscriminant asides and creative burps and life lessons and even videos and rhymes and stuff that falls out of my head (or bounces off it cuz some stuff just amuses me too much to stick after the laughter subsides)… i mean, if you have the time and feel withdrawals cuz you aren't getting enough of my amazing with and sparkling babbleosity…

ummmmm, wit, that's wit, not with, could be width, come to think of it, but not with, wit, definitely wit...

yeah, time for bed…

nite nite :)

and the world still spins around

just sitting here feeling bloated and stupid and so tired i hardly know i am excited as i am opening CD boxes cuz part of the massive order arrived… the CD order… from BMG music service… i joined and finally started feeding my addiction to collecting music again… the ten thousand vinyl recordings in storage may be warped by now… the few thousand CDs and video tapes might be damaged as well… and i am probably spending a small fortune on CDs that i already have in storage… but impulse and self-indulgence wins another battle of the budget (as if i think about it much)… i think the self-indulgent part probably had something to do with all the money i've been handing others lately and it reminded me of all the money i handed others over the years and I decided it was another one of those rare my time moments… maybe someday all the people who asked to borrow money from me will pay me back and i can retire for good… i could if they did, so as long as what goes around really does come around, i've got a great retirement fund somewhere out there…

yeah, humans are that honest, trustworthy, considerate, and fair… that is sarcasm, in case it wasn't clear… ultimately, humans i've met lie to themselves and therein each other so much they couldn't tell integrity from bullshit if it hit them in the face… but that's life here in this planet and even though i still have hope for humanity cuz i know the potential of an aware heart and mind, i accept people as they are and continue being myself, which means giving most of the time cuz giving and helping others feels good and every now and then, treating myself to stuff i want…

and suddenly, i found this political game (and you know how i love to take quizzes cuz they are so random and dramatically sarcastically irreverently irrelevant) cuz i am also glancing up at emails while opening CD boxes… note that i said opening CD boxes… i haven't gotten to the cases yet… i bought something like almost two hundred CDs… impulse and self-indulgence, remember?… meanwhile, the elections are madness as usual, but then, humans are doing it and, well, you know… the political game said Mike Gravel, Hillary Clinton, and Barach Obama are the ones closest to my views… who is Mike Gravel?... Alaska, oh, that explains it… hello Alaska, how are you?...

i did not eat from Tuesday night to tonight… and i bounced for hours at the Hard Rock on Wednesday night and i played softball and ran hard (two for two with one run scored, pitched five innings but we lost cuz the other team hit the ball well and our fielding was pitiful) on Thursday night, and then tonight i pushed out to the wine tasting with the hope of maybe finding some dinner companions to inspire me to eat a healthy meal but nobody wanted to go so i called Rasputin and he suggested my favorite Italian place and so i did and feel stuffed and stupid because i destroyed the three day fast effects in a half an hour of binging… though i did drink only water and did not get any chocolate or anything and there has been some seriously delicious imported chocolate truffles on my desk all week and i stopped eating those on Tuesday along with everybody else…

so is TLC (which I think is The Life Channel) really anti-semitic and is anti-semitism really such a bad thing and does your answer really depend on your religious beliefs and is TMZ the trashiest show on television or what?... do people actually watch this pandering to the lower most unaware and superficial aspects of humanity (and that is even lowering standards of intelligence and consciousness much further than my statements above about humans)… sheesh, the proof of human ignorance is everywhere, but even the aware ignore it,,, or take advantage of it, which makes those who do even lower on the conscious awareness totem pole than those who feed off stories of Brittany or other celebrities being, oh yeah, human…

there must be an easier way to open CD cases… yes, i have started… i have opened four… i would love a computer software CD player burner that actually catalogued the CDs uploaded to the hard drive like a database would so it could be sorted, filtered, and searched better… and printed, heck, why the heck doesn't someone make decent software to print file lists, especially song lists… maybe there is one out there, but i've tried a lot and haven't found one so far… so i am uploading the CDs as Apple lossless encoder cuz i am told that is the best for transferring CDs, though i wonder how wav files compare… they are certainly a lot bigger than even 320 kbps mp3s… i may need another 500GB drive soon… or eventually… i don't think i am that self-indulgent just yet…

we are up to seven CD cases opened with the sixth of them loading on to the drive now… and there really must be an easier way to get through the plastic and seals… i am suddenly missing vinyl albums much more now… but i continue to be used by the economic powers like most everyone else as i buy duplicate CDs and further spend money on Re-releases and Re-Re-Releases in SACD format that will eventually be Re-Re-Re-Released in an even better digital format… and speaking of better formats, the m4a format that Apple uses will not play in an ordinary mp3 player, so i am wondering if it will play in a normal CD player… i may have to re-burn all these CDs to the hard drive again, or use two different hard drives, when i finally get a CD burner that works, that is…

meanwhile, in many ways i was a very happy camper back in 2000 when i returned to Florida and started rebuilding my CD collection… it took a while to trust material stuff again, especially burned music, because of the Toronto experience when the person i trusted most in the world refused to return my mix tapes that chronicled the history of my psyche and experiences and thoughts and feelings and being in this life… trusting the material world was not an easy recovery, but i did start again… and now, again… cuz the new collection of CDs i started in 2000 was not returned by someone who i trusted to secure them for me… another test of my ability to actualize unconditional trust and another human proving that humans cannot be trusted with unconditional trust… and still i dream of sharing such trust (fool) and now, again, i start collecting stuff… some of the same stuff i purchased at least three times before… so i got tired of waiting for someone to share and am rebuilding my collection, albeit in tiny spurts, all by myself… ah, the lonely songs play loudly and strongly now…

ah, dontcha just love it when i let the brain meander randomly through the memory cells in between the momentary distractions of multitasks of relatively meaningless and ridiculously superficial daily life stuff when vegetation is the dominant activity?... yeah, rhetorical question… oh, the drama… ah, the sarcasm… bless the laughter… and so i started an Access database to keep track on the CDs… so i can spent hours and hours typing in the names and info from each CD in my spare time (which is sleep time) for weeks… the organizer in my head loves the idea… the peanut gallery laugh at the futility…

meanwhile, what a week… like, wow...

I'll try to catch up tomorrow… i think i decided to sleep in for as long as i can… so don't let it get you down, it's only castles, you know… I mean the downbeat memories, don't let those get you down… they are said, yes, and at times excruciatingly painful even today, years later, because the brain remains acutely aware of loss of visceral contact and the missing pieces of the puzzle that created me… and i am not afraid to feel it all, so i repress none of it… i simply slide the memories and therein the feelings in and out of prime consciousness as it suits me so i can focus on the moment, whether the moment is creating completely new experiences to fill memories cells or whether the moment is to dust off and therein physically re-live older memories… it is all part of mental house cleaning and organizing the billions of cells that try to contain this being i know as me…

if you want to linger in the sad or painful paragraphs, that is your choice… i linger for a day or few every now and then when i have the time and rhymes and writings such as those in the lands of the mostly dead come from those deep ventures into the darker memories… it's quite cathartic and i miss it at times like these when i do not have the time for a year or few… but if we look at the bigger picture, there is so much excitement and peace and acceptance and wonderfulness going on inside and around me all the time that those painful memories clean up quickly in the brief paragraphs that express them and i am wiping the tear and bouncing into the present even before the paragraph(s) are done… if you understand this, then perhaps you understand a bit more of me and what i call the methods of my madness which is a cavalier way of describing the uniqueness that is my identity and how i approach, experience, and resolve/retain myself and my experiences throughout this life…

all in all, i am still having too much fun to want it to end… thank you for sharing part of the journey with me through our writings and interactions here and at your blogs... i enjoy the moments we share and miss it when i am away for a few days... take care of you... and i hope you experience life in a way that is satisfying and full and wonderful to you :)

out doing life (and i want you to know)

not that anyone really knows who i am, what i am about, what makes me tick, what turns me on, what turns me off, where my head is at, what matters most to me, etc etc etc, but at least i am out there with people, interacting with people, hoping people might actually share, hoping someone might actually care to take the time to share the details to get to really know who i am, what i am about, what makes me tick, and so on, and vice versa... the vice versa part is essential to balance the equation and for me, satisfaction comes from a balanced equation... it's all very mathematical...

and heavy with sarcasm of the harmless nature...

just coming in from the Superbowl party at Jackson's place that capped off a busy weekend and i shall attempt to shift gears into a sleep mode as i have a very busy week ahead... if you check the schedule on the right sidebar, you'll see a bit of something about what i am doing and why i am not here much... the good news is i am busy and socializing and not sitting around watching TV griping about the mess i live in... the not so good news is that i am eating too much and not getting enough serious exercise and the little thing i sorta mentioned in the first paragraph...

and i want you to know...

since there really isn't a vast fandom like i pretend there is when i play with ego, my absence is not going to upset the equilibrium of the internet all that much... i do miss you though... yes, the few of you who let me know you are out there (as opposed to the vast "you" of imaginary throngs who silently await my every entry with baited breath... oh, how ego dreams)... i am checking in at your sites, reading your words, and leaving a comment so you know i've been there... i do that to show you that i care about you in case you have any doubts about whether i care about you...

and i want you to know...

cuz even when i am not sharing
in my heart i am still caring
and in my mind, you're always there
even when i am not here

it comforts me to believe this
that even when we're gone
in fact it's the key to my bliss
that caring carries on

i hope you can believe it too
i hope that it is true for you
it's true for me, the love we share
is always there and always here

and even when we are gone
the love carries on

hopefully i will find someone who shares this perspective and wants to share the time and everything it takes to really know (see first paragraph) and until then, i will check in here when i can to let you know what's going on as i am out doing life...

i hope you are enjoying life too and doing what you want to do... if you have time and miss sharing with me, there are videos and other blurbs popping into some of the other branches on the tree of madness that is my super secret way of expressing all the facets of me for anyone who really wants to know me, ya know, thought it may be a bit confusing as some of the babbling is just me playing with my own head and creating silliness and fantasy for my own amusement... but it is all stuff that is passing through my head at one time or another, which matters if you know what i mean...

take care of you and keep sharing as you can because keeping in touch is important and i hope to stay in touch with you... and if you happen to be in Orlando or know anybody who might be interested in knowing me who might be in Orlando, please pass along my number (it's been right over there on the right sidebar too)... cuz there's always hope, i hope, ya know? :)

and i want you to know :)

g'nite :)

cuz i love you

really, that's why... i mean, why i am here again... it is after 2am and i tomorrow is an early and full day at work and then a wine tasting and movie tomorrow night and saturday morning a 40 minute drive to a 7am 5K run and then a dinner group in the evening and then superbowl sunday and then another busier than ever (or at least in many years) week at work and play (just look at the calendar on the right that i just updated... yay for a busy life, even if i enjoy it all by myself just like most everybody else) and fun fun fun cuz that's what love is for and all...

wish you could share some of this...

of course it would all be infinitely more fun and magnificent if there was a partner in fun beside me sharing everything we both do together and aprt cuz that's what love is for all the more, but never forgetting this is the blessing that brings me back to the hopeful euphoria that keeps me enjoying the moment with blissful glee and quietly giggling and never surrendering... hope is the second most powerful force, after all, right behind love...

so no matter what, nothing else matters... whether you hit bottom or are flying high in this life, all you need is faith in yourself and the awareness that hope is the power that rises above all else when love is not shared just as you'd like... and with faith in hope, life is wonderful because you can enjoy the moment knowing you could find your dreams at any moment as you enjoy the journey...

maybe one of these days i'll pick apart the calendar and babble on about each of the activities listed there, or at least scribble a few lines about each... for now, i just wanted you to know i appreciate you and love and the kid is alright... me, good, i mean... and since your comments inspired me to come here and write tonight, i shall share the comment you inspired that brought me here (with, you guessed it, peanut gallery commentary) and then (cuz it's never enough, as Patty Smyth said), i shall slip in a couple or few typically me meetup messages i sent today... cuz meetup is the primary reaon for a much more active social life these days, after all... anyway, remember this?

we won we won WE WON! :)

yes, and I pitched and struck out at least six (shoulda counted) and only walked one in the last inning and we won, YAY us!...

it was a seriously cool feeling to remember how to pitch softball and while i've got a way to go before i get back to where i once was, if i could, i felt comfortable out there most of the time and the team rallied for the first time to score thirteen runs... we scored eight runs in the first three games and gave up fifty five... big change... tonight it was 5-5 in the third inning when we busted out for seven runs... we picked up one more in the fifth and i lost focus in the sixth and gave up three runs... there were a few dropped fly balls and a couple of wild throws that gave them runs (the statistician in me is feeling the itch to keep stats now), but all in all it was our best defensive game all around... it was the first game i actually played warmed up... the first game i was handed the ball with the other team in the batter's box and told pitch... it took me most of the inning to warm up and i walked a few and the team was very sloppy, so i only pitched the first inning... i didn't play the second or third games... so our record is 1-3 and we are genuinely surprised we won a game, but i'm hoping to get to play more and see the team come together and play better with each game... and that's the sports report, sorta...

then, you asked about the quality of the busy life and since there are thousands of millions asking the same question silently as they check in on me because i am just that irresitible, after all, I share my answer, cuz i love you, after all...

quality good, with spurts of excellent, though still hoping for the exceptionally amazing and wondrously fantastic and unbelievably orgasmic, but the spurts of excellent are wonderful and the pretty consistent good is great :)

yeah, kinda like a weather report with different words about different things in a different way, but still, kinda like a weather report of the climatology in my psyche, i suppose, maybe, buy it?...

ah, but truly life is good and much fun and there are even interesting conversations and up and coming is a busier than January February in which the mix of different activities increases in diversity and intensity as 5K runs are addd to the mix as well as several new meetup groups... the adrenaline rush of hope is keeping me awake tonight and the four year old is alive and well and having so much fun that we'd have to return to the early nineties to find a time when so much satisfaction has been acheived in this life without a romantic element fueling and exponentially increasing the magic of the mix... it's a wonderful life and the amazingly wonderfulest part is that it still cane be powerfully more wonderful... yay for life...

and then, you pondered my wellness, or something like that... and to queel the rising fears about my being and to clear up the ridiculously pandering rumours making their way through the mass media, i present a bit of response to the welness query... thanks for asking so very much for asking...

all is well, tired and brain fuzzy at times from work overload, but going out much (see the calendar on the right, i think it's pretty up to date) and enjoying the fun much more than feeling the onelies or missing stuff, which is a good place to be in my head :)

which then lead to a spontaneous exclamation of YAYNESS from said head that, naturally, lead to a bit of babble that may seem random, but was actually influenced by other stuff as reflected in entries that have popped up in many of my other blogs as the most clever of you have already noticed by your own deviously brilliant means, like climbing through the branches of the tree of madness, for instance, or even more genius-like adventures that could only be devised and enjoyed by you quintissential aboriginal blog watchers...

yeah, videos, blurbs, bleeps, and blogs bloating out and flowing out and popping out and dropping in with fine tuning to the most enlightened and fascinating and valuable information and amusements out there in the world... just for you... and then i said:

YAY BIG BIG YAYS for you being here and caring and wondering and asking and caring and being here...

alas for global warming, the sun will move into the age of aquarius in the 22nd century which will bring great waters, cuz aquarius is a water bearer, after all, though we humans might move the cosmic schedule up with all our ozone-depleting carbon-dioxide producing ways...

see the movie Zeitgeist for more (you can find it at my video blog or elsewhere in the webiverse... just cuz it's so much fun to know stuff and all)...

suddenly, i sense this will become an entry, just for you my little honeysuckle roses... just cuz i am so happy giddy awake at this late hour and feeling so much love for you for loving me for loving you for loving me for loving all and everything too...

inspirations, you are awesome again...

maybe i'll stay up all night for a change :)

yeah, no, really... check out that video... it's about two hours, so leave yourself time to see it through... you will not be hypnotized into joining a suicide cult or in any way be damaged by the video, unless, of course, you resist opening your mind and then, well, you might get a bit upset by your confusion and misunderstanding and judgmental crap, but i don't think any of you wise souls will experience such a narrow beam of ignorance and fear of the possibilities of knowledge of history and insight into the human condition, psyche, and experience... see how much faith i have in you?...

seriously, watch the video... it is a mental orgasm...

and as promised, here are a couple of the meetup messages i send today... the first is to the group that is meeting to do a 5K run very early Saturday morning about an hour away (yeah, i know i said less time before, but it could be an hour too) after meeting up the night before for a wine tasting and movie and fun... i wonder if they think i am kidding about wishing someone would care enough to want me there enough to actually call and wake me... or the sleeping in my car thing, for that matter... what would you think an unsuspecting stranger might think of me and my impromptu and rather odd remarks?...

Holy insanity, beetlejuice, did i say i was coming? and no sleep thursday and a wine and movie friday and then up early saturday? (and more) who's crazy? wanna call and wake me or should i just drive to Wekiva Friday night and sleep in my car? lolam

the (and more) refers to a dinner meetup Saturday night and then a Superbowl party at Jackson's on sunday and then a very busy wee as the calendar keeps telling me... and as if all that is not enough, i joined yet another group, a singles group for people of mid-life crisis age... the group description provided hope that some meaningful thinking ans sharing might happen... we shall see... or maybe i will not see as my introduction and reason for joining (request for approval) went something like this:

Hey, it was either this or eHarmony. The coin came up heads, so here I am. Everyone should be a happy 4 year old. Or 40. Take me seriously as you wish (it can be serious fun). But seriously, this is a great idea and I, for one, hope for fruition.

yeah, i just couldn't resist teasing the ageist set up of the group since it limited itself to a specific age group as if age is a valid definitive classification for creating meaningful social interactions or friends...

when will they ever learn, when will they ever learn...

maybe tomorrow, or whenever they meet, if they'll have me :)

and so i shall now try to get three hours sleep so i don't fall asleep at tomorrow night's movie after maybe a sip or two of wine and still have a bit of reserve energy left for the 5K run the following morning... i think i may nap this weekend between all these social engagements... and pretending it is all about me cuz i am so very popular and in demand is ego's game, but we all can enjoy it too (at least i usually do)... hopefully you have enjoyed yourself here too...

keep the faith in your hope and in yourself to be worthy of your dreams and able to believe that anything is possible so at any moment you could find your dreams come true right before your eyes... and choose what you believe wisely, for what you believe is truth to you...

and have fun, dangit, cuz that's what life is all about...

and love love love...

g'nite :)

titles are overrated

it's one of those rare losing interest in babbling online phases in the world of candoor and company… it happens every few hundred million years, which is, of course, just a blip in the timespace continuum of the infiniverse… though coupled with the hyper-busy and distracted phase that was already going on when this moment eclipsed it, it may seem like an eternity before the flow of words that we all live for returns… no worries, however, tomorrow never knows and poof can happen at any moment, after all, so it's always wise to be prepared for it…

hopefully i won't go poof anytime soon…

there will probably, as usual, be entries, most likely composed of comments and other assorted babbling from here or there or somewhere cuz i am the babbling never actually pauses for more than a few moments and the flood that finds it's way online even as a trickle every few hours, popping up to fill in the dates that have passed recently… just in case you have the time i lack to read (oh, how i miss the early retirement days of the nineties when i had time to read and write and play and live and love life without any work obligations of distractions for twenty-four hours a day)… i mean, i know there are people out there who are enjoying leisure time like i used to and if you are one, well, i am available for adoption…

so much amusement, so little time…

so it's still the same old story in spite of the time passing, which is why the lyrics to that old song made so much sense, ya know… the door is open for love and fun and friends and a really hot lover and libido fantasies and most especially for the one… even if i am not advertising or looking or even ready with time and physical presence to be there at the moment… most of life is bullshit, after all… happy people learn to enjoy it somehow and appreciate the few precious genuine moments of honesty and meaning when they happen by… really lucky people are also wise enough to create a few of those precious moments, but then, ironically, that is new age philosophy and evolutionary enlightenment (and therein, bullshit) to most of the human race these days…

ah, the stars smile during the day and twinkle at night…

ok, so trying to work from home doesn't work too well… the big green chair is too relaxing to do the mouse-keyboard work that spreadsheets and databases require (since I don't know enough keyboard commands to do everything by keyboard… and they there's the adaptation to the laptop keyboard every time cuz it's set up differently than the desktop keyboard)… ultimately, i would need a desk and chair at home if i really wanted to work at home (which i don't apparently… which adds to the realization that i do not really live here and do no really want to be in this messy cluttered dirty space that has no ergonomics for much of anything (not even sleeping at the moment)… even the big green chair is starting to show signs of age as the mechanism is not as strong and stable as it used to be… alas, home is where the heart is, so i'm still home inside and everywhere, but not in any specific person, place, or thing…

this week saw another step back toward the healthier paths i used to live on… more salads, fewer candies and heavy starches and sugars and fats… i didn't run or get to the gym, i did a little workout during softball night, thought the game was rained out… apathy still rules the body, but the mind still looks in the direction of recovering my former physical self… nobody actually cares except me in the physical world, which doesn't help, but then it isn't about anyone else, really… loving self and doing what is right for self, even though it can be shared, is a solitary path… i know that well… no matter how much i dream of sharing it…

i intend to get to sleep early tonight so i can wake about 3am and head into work early cuz there's a few days work to do before a two o'clock meeting... life is so exciting (sarcasm)... these busy mostly work times would be so much more rewarding if there was some real sharing going on in the intimate world, instead of just working to make money to give to those around me who aren't really sharing, but just continue taking... but in spite of what i observe or am told, that is the way humans are in this life, at least from my experience so far...

I watched videos last night… X-Men 3, The Last Stand was on cable in between the videos, but mostly the night was a marathon of videos… the videos were The Bourne Ultimatum cuz Raspy never saw it… then The Number 23 and then Live Free or Die Hard and then Stardust… much fun was enjoyed by the synapses in this head that shares words with you, especially cuz it was such a roller coaster of sensory stuff and strangeness… i enjoy strangeness in the stimulus that enters this head… and wouldn't you know, Stardust was the perfect last video to send me off to la la land with sweet dreams of true love and the wonderful lives that can come when such magic is actualized in the physical reality of our world (or any world) and best of all, shared…

and come to think of it, i did pop three or four entries into other blogs this week, a couple of videos and a rhyme and even a bit of babble btc… i mean, just in case your thought i was just blowing smoke when i reminded us that the babbling and flow of attempted and potential sharing continues even when i may be as gone as i seem at these moments… i don't know if that would change at all if someone actually shared everything with me in this life, something would change, i think, but probably not the relatively constant flow of attempted and potential sharing cuz, after all, that is part of the magic of this life…

and for posterity and anyone who just showed up here for the first time, i may have gotten a bit more real-me than usual in the past few entries, amidst the babble, but then, that is just my opinion and nobody shares enough in the real-me world to confirm this at the moment… still, it may be there, in case you want to know…

and for the few of you who stop by here regularly for an update on the mundane details of daily life because you care about me, today was a lazy day (except for laundry, which started during the videos last night)… the TV offered NFL playoffs, as it usually does at the time of year… the roomies did their usual thing… and that's life in this world at this end of the internet line today… i thank you for stopping by, if you did/do, while i am in this mostly-away and not-uploading time and even more, i love you for leaving a few words to let me know my words mattered enough to you to inspire a response from you… or at least you care about me… that feels very good inside, where i live… i hope my appreciation feels good to you too…

joy to the world :)

redundancy rules

just so you don't feel left out, in case you are like me and want to absorb every word and yet don't always have time to follow every link, here's the recent return to myspace post that was posted over at myspace cuz i returned to post there (at myspace) recently... yeah, redundancy rules...

well here we are again, briefly, perhaps, but here in this myspace community that is so broad, diverse, and relative, perhaps the word community is not as appropriate for the online world as we seem to think it is based on it's usage... and yet, we share words and sounds and images and more and create our online persona, a you, a me, and in some way, a we... and we share interests and amusements and sadnesses and pains in personal and collective ways... and isn't that what we get out of community?...

so yes, ok, i have been absent of late...

i can show you what i've been doing that's kept me away from myspace, but then, you'd see that i have found time to babble on and post many entries since the last one here... i just have not made time to get in a myspace mood and come here to share words with you...

those of you who visit my daily babble (a blog at blogspot i call RealTime because it started as an attempt to consolidate my thoughts into semi-brief summaries of daily life in the hope that anyone who cared to know me might find out about the life i live offline and maybe even entertain thoughts of entering it, but it {the daily blog i call RealTime} turned into a babbling free-for-all, probably because the other babbling free-for-all {a diary i call behind the candoor because it started as a way to give anyone who was interested a window into the mind in which i usually find myself, as opposed to the heart, which had it's own diary called sleepwriting, but that may be a digression too many, if that hasn't already occurred already, ya uh-huh} kind of fell asleep too {the other babbling free-for-all, i mean} so RealTime kind of took an odd turn into a dream of becoming a human being and maybe even fitting in or belonging somewhere, but that may all just be a joke on me, after all, not to mention the new musical addition above), should already know that i've been remembering what life is like offline, social life, especially...

simply (as opposed to that complex parenthetic aside above), i've started using the meetup dot com website to connect with people offline... so for the past few weeks, or months, perhaps, i've been wandering out most every night to some sort of social gathering... one night it might be a trivia challenge at a barbecue joint... another night it might be a wine tasting at an upscale urban hang out... another night it might be a film, mainstream to old black and whites to avant garde to downright odd... another night it may be gathering at someone house or apartment to play board games... another night it might be a full-out party (themed or not) with great food and party favors and everything a party requires, especially fun people... another night might be an art gallery browse... or singing carols to sick kids in a hospital (that's this coming Sunday)... or watching artificial snow fall on a streets in a local community...
or listening to a lobbyist from Washington D.C... or a cruise... or a hike... or a visit to the theme parks... or simply dining out... or you name it, it's probably available on that site...

and then there's the company softball team that practices every thursday...

all in all, while we are not celebrating falling in love or anything so radical, i am definitely enjoying life offline more than i have in quite some time (six years on the night shift certainly did not help the social life)... and that is where i have been, i mean, in case you were concerned and did not know how to inquire about me...

if you miss my babbling, or my rhymes, or whatever it is i do hwre on myspace, i love you... i wish i could hug you to show you my appreciation for your attention and the words you leave here for me... i wish i could give you something that would inspire you to feel as good as i feel when i read your words online... and most of all, i wish we could come together someday in a social meeting or gathering that mutually is comfortable and enjoyable... i believe you are real... my heart and mind believe you are real... i'd love to prove it to my eyes and ears one day :)

so maybe i ought to just stop in here more often and leave a few words even when i do not have time to think through an entire entry... maybe i ought to share my briefer thoughts... thought the mundane has it's place (RealTime, remember?), there is still a myspace me that is not quite clearly defined, i think... and perhaps brief snippets of whatever is the way to go now as i don't seem to want to give up the offline socializing (or more sleep, which is coming less and less often these days), because i would really like to keep in touch with you...

my address and telephone number is in my profile and yes, it is for real and i welcome you to use either... feel free to prod me for attention as friends do when one friend is busy a lot... cuz it's important that we do that... to continue caring... to continue communicating... to continue connecting and expanding our connections and bringing more community to this world so maybe we, collectively as humans, will not go the way of the dinosaurs... or the Aztec, Mayan, or other past cultures, for that matter...

keep in touch, save the world :)

why does that remind me of save the cheerleader... I wonder amused and laughing at myself... maybe we do need another hero after all... or is it the bonding, the caring, the community we really need... perhaps we've come full circle...

you can find that schedule of events, gatherings, parties, and what-not, so to speak, on the sidebar on the right of the blogspot blog mentioned (and linked) above, the one i call RealTime... if you are local or visiting the area, i'd love you to come to one if you can...

and perhaps you will find me here more often, even if i don't have time to babble on like this... maybe i'll find some briefer thoughts and stuff you'll find worth stopping by to read and inspire me to visit your world (when i run out of time, i still try to visit you if you commented cuz your link is easy to find right there in comments and i love the conversations...

i hope you enjoy the music i added to this blog (it's not on auto-play, so you'll have to click the little play arrow if you want to hear it... it's music i love to listen to when i am sleepy as i appreciate the messages as much subliminally as i do consciously and the music is soothing... yay for music i can fall asleep to with a smile that grows in my sleep)… tomorrow night it's the Hard Rock Café for a benefit tribute to John Lennon… may you have something to do that you will enjoy as much…

thanks for waiting for me here... may your change of seasons and holidays be wonderfully wonder filled... may all your good dreams come true, or at least some of them... and may we keep in touch and share something real...

g'nite :)

what happens

see, what happens is i sometimes drifting into RealLife™ in RealTime™ offline and i run out of time before i can upload words so days go by and then suddenly i'll upload a flurry of posts, sometimes in the past tense, and that's why there are sometimes a series of entries that have no comments...

just in case you thought i thought or anyone thought that nobody noticed, or cared...

and that's what's gonna happen in the days of future past (i mean the next few entries)... so have fun, and now you know...

the candle is in the fire

as opposed to burning at both ends, metaphorically, i suppose... meanwhile, sleeping a couple of hours less than i'd hoped to tonight seems to be the general pattern of life since i returned to the corporate world and day shift, so perhaps i will die of a heart attack like most corporate junkies and fail in my attempt to be a hippie for life after all... dontcha just love these wide-eyed doh! moments?...

as i just mused in a comment reply to a long lost and dearly beloved reader, why am i awake?... amused about it, no less... ah, perhaps to answer this question... or this question perhaps... or maybe... this way, if i can find my babblefish… but in fact, it might have been museart and yet, in further fact, i was lead there by anna-lys, who lept into the sidebar twice (it's the music, not the mirrors) as she drew me over to her lair via commentary at the infinite expanse of quasar9 after i pondered the clickity loopiness at latest current momentary offering from the mind of z0tl… not to discount the lust interests alluded to in the previous entry, which should not be overlooked for the passionate memorial to the sunburnt southern cali sages (not to mention landscape) that continues from the prior to the previous entry that returns us to the onion and all the other layers that pass as branches off the tree of madness so subtly slipped in between all the other wooden statues along the sidebar forest…

but i really do not have time for such musing just now as i am only here today because i woke early after passing out fully clothed in the big green chair (it's the fully clothed part that is exceptionally rare as i usually disrobe into shorts and a t-shirt upon walking through the door after work) and rattled around a bit until finally waking to find myself called to email to check on current events and good thing i did for the Friday concert venue changed and while noting that, i saw the comments left here so i arrived and responded and therein this entry was born only to die, or perhaps pause suddenly as i must shower and prepare for another long day of rambling on verbally as the training fair continues until late afternoon when i shoot out to the coast to catch Spill Canvas, Meg & Dia, and others playing in St Pete tonight… alone, again, too naturally, alas, but fun fun fun nevertheless cuz nobody can take my t-bird away anymore…

so thank you for the musing and the visits and the kindness and the inspirations and the love and the affection and the questions and the passionate embraces and the lingering enchantments and the great escapes and mysteries and curious glances and i meant what i said and i said what i meant every word in the previous post meant for you who come here and i hope life is fun at your end of the line and may you enjoy your day too :)

almost random synapses

another missed day, but is it a missing day, or is it merely a day i did not have time to record, or upload, or share here in this way at the time (we call RealTime™)... if a there was some wonderful, or even tangibly meaningful, or even intimate sharing going on in my absence from here in this blogspace (and presence elsewhere), perhaps there would be greater (or at least more) satisfaction than there is, but alas, i am satisfied that i exist, for better or worse, even if i have felt more alive in alternative consciousnesses and other memory cells that give me thoughts of the existence other times...

and hope for tomorrow…

if we believe that we do exist in other times, or did, or will, then excitement can be enhanced, but then, perhaps blind faith in such conceptual reasoning is incorrect (wet blanket)... what is real may be moot in the end, or not, but what is shared, when fun, is worth the time and may be the best we can do after all... memories of we are, by and large, at least marginally better than memories of i, or I even... this may be influenced by the lack of recent memories of we for what seems like so long, but the moment blinks out of focus and into oblivion the moment the i becomes we again, or so i recall...

vaguely, perhaps, but oh so i do recall…

anyway, for whatever it's worth, i continue writing this daily life real time blog, mundane or blahsay or boring or whatever, pathetic, even, (in RealTime™) for my own nefarious (or whatever) purposes if only to maintain some semblance of belief that life is worth living, remembering, and sharing, if only in this distant, disconnected, dingleberry, and perhaps desperate way... and if we someday laugh at the entirety (and not just the enormity) of it all, then it was not only all worth it, but the proof will prevail...

caution, genius may be at work...

or is it mere obscurity…

yeah, so, in other news of recent events, so far i have not been impressed with any microsoft product primarily because not one product has worked without asking me to jump through some hoop and even then it seems to break down somewhere along the line requiring repairing or reinstalling or worse, reformatting a hard drive because it is beyond repair... and yet, like ma bell (slowly being reformed as att), it is the only show in town... sure, there's mac and there's linux and there's open source and more, but the technical knowledge required to run those programs leaves 99.9% of the human race out of the loop and then, even with the technical knowledge, the candy store for those operating systems are barren compared to the candy store for microsoft windows so... that's life in a totalitarian state for you...

i did find success in one area, or task, tonight, or last night, or some night in the recent past... after downloading several different programs, i finally found a program that worked to download and convert youtube videos to avi files so i can play them on my computer... how much glee is that?... well, for me, it's much glee cuz i've been trying to get that done for some time and there was always some sort of glitch or error message involving JIT or .net or some techno-babble and all it meant to me was it did not work... DVDVideoSoft dot com gave me a free little program that works though, so yay for DVDVideosoft dot com and when i am feeling rich and splurgy next, i shall consider purchasing their conversion software and trying my hand at burning DVDs...

the fact that the DVD burner is not burning DVDs nor CDs at the moment is yet another technical difficulty yet to be overcome, but so it goes with used computers... the burner itself simply may not burn anymore... it goes through the motions, but doesn't close the deal so the disk is unusable and yet will not play... sucks, really, but heck, i rolled the dice and bought this laptop and got what i got...

on this note, perhaps you noticed the new blog i started this week... yes, another new blog i barely have time to mention, link, or laugh about, no less actually upload anything to... it was linked to the previous title... yes, i am finally entering the world of video blogging, albeit third person or second hand or something like that... eventually i may actually learn how to use this laptop camera to record and upload video blogs in which i am the character doing the visual presentation, but so far the laptop doesn't do that when i ask it to... maybe the camera is as broken as the DVD drive... either way, i still have more to learn...

so there are a dozen entries waiting to be slipped into the half dozen or so missing dates of the past week (shhhh, posterity will get wise) and hundreds awaiting editing and insertion behind the candoor as if there was never a nine month break (and many babies born, in fact, even if they appear homeless orphans for the moment, like the new video blog, for instance, just cuz there's no tie-together time happening at the moment... remember how btc used to tie it all together?... then again, i wonder if anyone actually followed that process... in fact, i wonder
if i ever really did... figments of imagination are beyond amazing sometimes...

in case you are local and want to be more than a figment of my imagination, i may be at the Orlando Film Festival this week, especially if you call and want to go together... it's free, though seating is limited...

yeah, there is still hope for actual RealTime™ RealSpace™ sharing in spite of the ridiculous attempts at being human occurring over the last few years (undermining may be worse than strip mining)… tomorrow i will be bopping at the Say Anything concert at the Hard Rock Café, so i am listening to the new cd right now and finding religious references (i am noticing a lot of jewish references of late threading through many different events and experiences... i wonder if i am jewish), drug references, and psychotic references… yes, they will say anything… this is supposedly the psychotic confessional cd in which the dongwriter throws up years of mental masturbations that were done before fame, or at least a record contract, came to fruition… kind of a love me as i was, as i am, as i will be type of cathartic prostrate in-your-face fuck-it-all nakedness…

yeah, take two fukitol and call me in the morning…

better than an enema!

ok, so enough commercial pandering, this entry about sums up the moment so it's done… i hope you enjoyed it, or yourself, or both of us… napkins are available on your way out… see ya… come back anytime… often… please… cuz we miss you when you're gone… when i'm gone too… we too… waiting on the laughter, we thank you… comfort is shared here… t-shirt slogans too… bumper stickers optional…

look at the random synapses…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Z!

cookie wars

apparently google, in it's infinite wisdom, does not have the capacity to merge blogger, blogspot, and google accounts correctly, forcing people who are long time users like me to choose between continuing a blog here or using gmail... for this reason, i very rarely use gmail...

i logged in early this week and the gmail cookie superceded the blogger cookie, so i had to jump through hoops to get logged in here again and did not have time to jump until this morning (and didn't really have time this morning, unless i gave up the fun i intended, which i did... google owes me fun now...

apparently, the fix is deleting cookies and cache and all that techno stuff every time... no going to happen, it takes too much time and defeats the purpose of auto-logging in...

i clicked on "help" links (i know, fool) and after an hour and a half, found no way to contact anyone other than through google groups... SPAM central, so there's no way i am putting an email address in that place... so i left my telephone number and this blog address and we shall see if anyone at google/blogger/blogspot cares about one small blogger who's been with them for years...

so i am looking at other site options, again, for blogging... or... i a looking at eliminating gmail from my email options... either way, it's inconventient and leaves me with a bad taste for google and blogger and blogspot... there's always diaryland (where i visited again, ever so briefly, this week for the first time in many months) or myspace (where some of you comment so sweetly, i gush) or... a few dozen other sites i already have logins for...

so that's partly where i've been...

i'll catch up on the rest of the week as soon as i find time... five entries or so will pop up suddenly as if they were always there (shhhh, don't tell posterity)... it's been fun and busy around here, which is why i do not want to jump through google hoops because i am spending less time online, not more...

i hope life has been fun for you this week, or at least not too annoying or painful, and you remember that you choose what to focus on every moment you are conscious... just because most humans are fools and choose to focus on the negatives and downbeats does not mean we have to be... so choose wisely, choose well, choose fun...

i'm gonna go brush my teeth and start my day now... thank you for leaving me a few words, you know how much your caring to do that means to me (and if you don't no worries, i'm bound to tell you again any day now in my own pathetically adorable snarky irreverently seriously sincerely goofy emo way, complete with semi-obscure references)... love you, honestly...

g'morn :)

another postponed entry

well, there was not enough time to get any writing done on the trip, so the entries in my head (and there's more words than can be translated by human tongues) will have to wait until i return... the in-between times (waiting at airports and on the plane and such) were not useful because the battery in this laptop is weak and will not hold a charge for long enough to make writing unplugged worth it... alas, live and learn and laugh at the stupid human tricks I am learning (buy what you want and stop over-thinking everything and letting other factors like budget and such get in the way, right)... so I'll be back later in the week to update more entries like this one and the last one and the next one and the rest of the week ones and by the time the week is over nobody (except you) will ever know that there were not entries every day this week...

posterity is so easily fooled, aye?...

but ego loves it (posterity and so on) anyway and keeping ego happy with such little things as lining up the dates as if there was some organization to this life like a professional type writer sort of (except for the editing and keeping in tune with the grammar and rules of language and strunk and white and webster and all those rule makers of structure and order and such) is easy, so we do...

besides, i decided to play with hair color and it's soaking in right now (it's about 6am tuesday)... sure, send me on a business trip and see what mischief i solemnly swear i can get up to no good, right?... are we having fun yet?...

i loved you in so many ways
and would have loved you more
as you were so vulnerably mine
when you came to my door
eighteen and fresh from parents womb
first time out on your own
so bold and yet so innocent
i left you alone

and now i wonder what if i did what came naturally
if i did not hold back on the attraction
if i seduced you and shared satisfaction
if i did not focus on public reaction
and shared intimacy
would you still be here with me...

i gave you oh so many things
i could have given more
you arrived with so little
when you came to my door
wide eyed and so full of hope
and big dreams to be fulfill
so open to my influence
i left you to your will

and now i wonder what if i did what came naturally
if i did not do what i was supposed to do
if i share all of me with you
if i gave us the chance to know what could be true
in shared intimacy
would you still be here with me...

we were dreamers of different ages
writing the same song on separate pages
respecting the rules of society

yet is was the same dream we'd chase
we were searching for the same embrace
holding hands for all the world to see

and when we looked into each others eyes
we know the secret shared beyond the words
and that may have been enough until we meet again
in other worlds
in other words

you gave me your hand, your trust, your life
i took you for a child instead of wife
the memories remain as beautiful as any in my mind
but sometimes i wonder...
sometimes i wonder...
sometimes i wonder if we left some dreams behind

yeah what if we did what came naturally
if we set the instincts in us free
if we did not stop at holding hands
if would our memories be of wonderlands
if shared intimacy...
would you still be here with me...
would you still be here with me

happy birthday pj :)

g'morn

I was just about to post an entry on 10/16, or more likely 10/7 after midnight, but the time-date stamp below is set for 10/16... this window sit open on the laptop awaiting words... but I fell asleep before completing the process of typing, cutting, pasting, and clicking on the PUBLISH POST button... and when i woke, I found the Office 2007 window with words closed and puzzled a moment about how that might have happened and did not have time to open and explore (especially when opening it uses one of the precious 25 times I am allowed to use it... my intention to leave it open is thwarted by frequent Windows Update requests and new software installations {as I search for the ideal software} that require re-starting the computer) what might have happened... hopefully the words were not lost and I'll get them out here someday soon...

when last we left each other's fine company, our intrepid time traveler (me, in this case) was rambling on about sleep and random thoughts, I think... that is, I think I think random thoughts and I think I was rambling on about sleep and random thoughts I think, I think...

O . . O
.
O

ummmm, yeah... so anyway... I woke this morning (it's Thursday morning, I think... thank is, oh let's not get started on thinking again) early as I fell asleep right after dinner last night... I feel much refreshed, but definitely not completely refreshed as I used to feel when I woke (if you recall . . . my spirit is reborn each time I open my eyes . . . from my answer to the age? query most everyone seems to ask before any other, even before name? which is, to me, such a sad reflection on the stereotypical prejudices and superficiality of our species, but that's a rant or ramble for another time, I think... stop)...

yes, i... i do capitalize i in reference to me... shameful and I shall attempt to stop this instant as I just thought of the reminder z left an instant before this instant as the brain does from time to time... think, that is... and remember... but that's another thought for another time (and I mean another blog entry, not necessarily another time, the blog, if you know what I mean and thank you so very much, dear s, for noticing and responding)...

it is time to shower and go to work... the many thoughts being thunk in the brain shall have to wait on the sidelines as is more often the case than not of late... I shall attempt to return this evening, but am realizing as I am semi-refreshed this morning that I do not return to me much these days and most often my rambling words are not coming from the core of me, but rather playing for attention out of loneliness and an aching-to-the-point-of-numb desire to share more... I am neglecting myself and therein, not sharing myself...

I will attempt to find time to ponder this in more depths as soon as possible, and find remedy for the self-destructive situation I am becoming slightly more aware of in serious consciousness at this moment... the distractions of space and time and work and life are definitely winning the battle for my attention these days (and why must it be a battle?... shhhh, no time for such thoughts, time to stop thinking)...

I wonder if being more amused than frustrated is a good thing...

time to stop wondering too...

till tomorrow...

g'morn :)

what happened today was...

just getting home from the Rilo Kiley concert... opening bands Art in Manila and Grand Old Party were good too and Jenny (lead singer of Rilo) was great as were the rest of the band and the lead singers from the opening acts joined them for the entire concert as back up singers and musicians (the lead from Art in Manila plays trumpet... great pucker)... standing in the back with Rasputin and the lazy talkative crowd took a lot away from the energy and power of the experience, but it was still great...

Jackson didn't go cuz she has to work late every night this week and is tired, so I ate one of the tickets and Raspy bought me dinner for the other... he wins again, but then, I only mock count... I don't have time to keep score, I'm too busy enjoying the game... wait, I don't have interest in keeping score, I just enjoy playing the game... yeah, both, but I think I might like the second one better...

we stopped for food at Friday's (not the same Friday's as last time, this was the Disney Fridays) after the concert and I did not die... I did not even get sick... and I had the same obnoxiously decadent dessert and ribs and shrimp... I didn't have the mushroom or the hot pepper soup or the chicken though... I was cautious and perhaps sensible as I only indulged in semi-decadent pigging out...

work was more of the same, doing other people's jobs and training the data person... at least I confirmed that I do get to keep him at least until the end of October and likely through a few weeks more (longer if I'm lucky and Admin is wise... maybe we should call Admin Scrooge... he's not that mean, actually, a great smiling politician, but the epitome of cheap, frugal, tight, whatever you wanna call it, but that is his primary job, after all)... I sent the Admin (I'll come up with a better name than Scrooge, maybe) an email pointing out that there've a big ta-doo for hospitals in Orlando in December so he can save the air and hotel fair if he wants to pay for it... only $2000 for the whole four days, but individual sessions cost less... fat chance, ha...

well, I did it... overpaid cuz he was a kid in need, but still paid a hundred bucks less than his asking price on craiglist... so I am now the owner of a 17" laptop with a 3.2Ghz Pentium 4, 1Gb PC3200 DDR 667 RAM, 128MB Video Card, 60 GB 7200RPM Hard Drive, DVD/CDRW Combo Drive, TV Tuner card, WebCam, and gobs of ports and slots... I gave the kid $350 cuz yesterday was his birthday and the day before was the first anniversary of his mom's death (he's lived with her since his parents divorced not long after he was born)... his place looked like his been pretty depressed the past year, buried in gaming on his desktop while trying to make it to classes... I probably could have squeezed him down further cuz his rent is due, but I didn't because his rent was due and I'm just too nice a guy...

while I was there, I got a call about a $200 Mac G4 tower... I always wanted to see what a Mac felt like, so I might head over and look at it tomorrow night... there's one more desktop (E6600 Core 2 Duo, 2Gb RAM, 8800 Video card with 320Mb RAM, burners, a decent sound card, 20" monitor, and other goodies including Windows XP Pro and Office 2007 that the guy is asking $800 for) I'm going to look at and then I think I'll call it a day for computer shopping for now (though I am considering buying Rasputin a birthday present in the form of a cheap desktop that will run circles around the 64Mb 1999 Gateway he currently uses, but we shall see just how crazy I get with the buget director tied up in the closet... oh, yeah, yesterday I tied him up and locked him in... I didn't gag him, but I did give him some happy pills {and I don't mean comments} and he's not quite coherent yet, so all we get a muffled mumbles about having a dream about being tied up and the night lasting a very long time)...

I lied... there's one more than one more I am looking at (that would make two more, I think... there might be others, shhhh, the you-know-who-in-the-closet might hear)... the other one is a Dual Xeon Workstation computer with 4Gb RAM, two burners, a 15000rpm Hard Drive, XP Pro and Office 2007 and more... asking $500, I offered $400 and we're playing phone tag, but he did call back and email on my offer of $400... I could add large hard drives to that and put a video card and sound card in it and turn it into a good multimedia system and it already has more than $400 worth of software on it...

how does this work?... I might wind up spending $2000 anyway and instead of having a cutting edge machine monster, I'll have two or three or four computers that run circles around anything I've had at home in years and feed my addiction to technological toys...





so my next entry may be coming from the big green chair via the new old laptop...


cha...

catching up x 4

and so four days zipped by this time and it's time to start catching up (as if this was the first of the four entries uploaded tonight just cuz it's the first I upload cuz it's the last I wrote so it falls into place in linear reading down the page)... this always makes for orphan entries ("little orphan entries", copyright 2007), which is what I am calling my next blog when I start it, which might be when I get the new computer, which will be sooner than never... little orphan entries are the entries that get no comments, no feedback, no notice, ya know?... cuz leaving a comment is kind of like adopting an entry, isn't it?...

anyway, not to belabor yet another unintended guilt trip (I really don't mean to, but I was brought up in a Judeo-Christian world by Judeo-Christian people and the foundation {or at least the residual secular everyday life stuff born of religions} of most everything is guilt tripping, after all, so it's kind of ingrained in my psyche even though I am not always completely human (but I suppose I am getting better at it, which is seeming more obnoxious with each step... or repulsive), let's get to the question burning everybody's lips (exaggeration is the second strongest influence, ya know) , where have I been?...

way back on today, or Thursday, as I was thoroughly enjoying putting my head into a Jar, I juggled some more work at work and trained the temporary data person some more and after getting home, I believe I zoned into something on TV while falling to sleep in the big green chair while waiting for Precious to call for her ride home (I'm almost ready to buy her a car myself so she might show some signs of independence cuz by now all her peers are off to college and not living home while she's still a couple or few years behind, just starting on her first job and still without a driver's license as she approaches her 19th birthday... of course if I could afford to buy her a car I'd have a new desktop and a new laptop)...

the phone rang to wake me and Precious tells me she has a ride, so i could have either gone to bed, gone out somewhere, or otherwise occupied my time with something other than nodding off while sitting and waiting for her call, but that's the way it is with any teenager who firmly believes the whole world revolves around her... I knew it didn't revolve around me before I was out of diapers, but then, I'm not very normal, or even always human, after all... and then I think I browsed the web and fell asleep and along came Friday...

in spite of intending to get out of work early at least one day this week, the week ended with me staying late every night cuz there's just no way to get caught up on two jobs while training someone to do one of them in a normal 40 hour work week...

once home, it was an ordinary Friday night, vegetating in front of the TV with the Sci-Fi channel and ordering from Paradiso (so I had food for a few days without having to clean up the kitchen so I could cook)... and Saturday was college football cuz Rasputin is a serious college football fan (Ohio State) and I get into the game day routine pretty easily... I seem to have lost all interest in fantasy sports these days as I've abandoned all the leagues I signed up for (but still may finish second in one of the baseball leagues, which is quite amazing as I've ignored the team all year)... I spent some time wandering myspace and sending out some more add requests, rather randomly this time... Raspy and I went to eat at the local Chinese buffet Saturday evening and then it was back to college football as I nodded off in the big green chair...

Sunday was another day of vegetation at home with the NFL on TV (the televised games are getting so very boring), eating the leftover Italian food, heading out for ice cream, and tapping away at the keyboard to bring you these four entries that you long anticipated, so tenderly read, and thoroughly enjoyed...

now all I need to know is what I can take with me on my business trip in October, like, do I have to buy new toiletries and shaving stuff there or do I have to wait in line to check in an overnight bag and wait for the airline to unload it (or lose it) at the destination extending the time in the airport another hour or few?... there must be some website where I can find this information so I can be prepared and not be looking for an all night store in Oklahoma City so I can spend unnecessary money so I don't smell or look disheveled...

well, that's not all I need to know, but that's one thing... I don't think I won the lottery again yesterday... not that I check, but I figure I'll hear about it on the news and if some idiot in Orlando won and did not show up to collect his winnings I'll check if it's me...

and what's this on 60 Minutes tonight about stores selling marijuana legally?... probably medical marijuana or something... while I have no interest in drinking anymore and very minimal interest in tripping or any other chemical mind games, I might share a social pipe now and then if the old weed was legalized... I should visit Sandy Eggo and explore meditative alternatives with the west coast mindset, aye?...

anyway, thanks for all the attention while I was away, you are appreciated... even when you are not around... I'll upload these entries now and let you get on with your mental orgasms...

temporary entry

ah, the sound of screaming masses (that has so many meanings I don't even want to get into, but I was pretending you are millions demanding more, rather than a few nodding off)... it'll be more amusing later, I hope...

I'll be back later, probably, with more actual entries... I spent the last few days scouring the web for the latest information about all the different parts of a computer, considering which parts were best for me (the best or the most economical or somewhere in between) and whether I should buy all the parts at their best prices on the net and put the machine together myself (Dr. Frankenputer creates a monster, news at 11) or engage assistance at the local computer shop willing to put parts together or order the precise system I want from somewhere or settle for a pre-packaged system (and any way I look at it, that would be a compromise as no manufacturers put together systems for the customer's needs, really, unless it's a custom made-to-order job which they charge ridiculously for)...

I also dragged my roommates out to the computer store to look around (Precious is supposed to get a laptop for college when she finally starts, so she was eager to look around more) and we also ate out several times (cuz that is the way here) and we went clothes shopping for Precious because I promised her a clothes shopping spree when she got a job and she starts at Sears on Friday... we'll be doing another shopping spree for clothes for her very soon because we only had an hour left after computer shopping (cuz we didn't get out until 3pm cuz nobody wakes up around here until afternoon and 3pm was early to get us out of the house)...

anyway, I'm going back to online computer parts research now... I just wanted you to know I didn't die orand I am not leaving the internet... and I missed you...

hope you enjoyed your weekend too :)

sometime when I'm away...

well that sucked… what sucked, in case you wondered, was that a few paragraphs was just lost… fitting, practically perfectly, the theme of the paragraphs and the thought stream of the moment (dontcha just love how the universe cooperates with my creative process?) as I was wondering if anything I ever wrote or shared meant anything (or will mean anything as I’d like it to mean, as in the bridge across forever that will be the route for a journey shared by the one and all those old dreams), but it was much more eloquent than this…

to backtrack and put things into perspective, this entry will be the first (read on, you'll get it, I hope) of three uploaded right now, but it's likely to be the third (ummm, second?) of the three entries that suddenly appeared when you read through the new entries from top to bottom... those who do not do that, well, their loss... our loss, mine cuz I lose out on the potential for someone to read this, relate to this, respond to this, start interacting, call, talk, visit, become a friend offline, move in, share RealTime™, fall in love, and spent all eternity in infinite bliss...

ummm, yeah... our loss because you too might find some sort of positive interaction with someone who read this entry because it was there on top for a day or longer and that special person happened by at just that right time... of course we can argue that such a special person would read down a few entries before judging us (ummm, me) as not worth their internet reading time (cuz we've only got so much time to spend on the internet when we are special people, right?) and disregard all these possibilities, but that just wouldn't be as much fun, would it?...

don't all answer at once, you might jam up cyberspace...

aherm... and of course it would be their loss of the potential for know me and you and us and finding the best little microcosm on the internet (I supposed you don't necessarily have to respond to this entry to be part of our best little microcosm, but sometimes we do have to prioritize even people like what if I bought a Ferrari and only one passenger could ride at a time, how would we decide who'd be first?... comments?... well, that would be one way I suppose, but back to why they would be missing out now) cuz, well, just look at what they are missing, aye?...

ok, I'll get to this third/first entry now...

some of us like to lament (and I certainly do my share, even if I am just so dang sarcastic positive that I have to point it out)… we could spend hours discussing the merits or flaws and levels of lament, but that's not what this entry is about (I think) and I'll let you discuss amongst yourselves (or ponder in your own head) the many perspectives we can bring to or cull from lamentations... what I am pondering is what we'll get to just as soon as this paragraph ends (which would be right about now)...

I wonder sometimes how much of my lament is a plea for attention and how much is the creative play that I love to do so much… anyone who’s ever read me in depth (which each of you have done to varying degrees, with perhaps z0tl being around longest of the non-lurking convent we've entered into by clicking on the comment link (didn't know you were entering a convent, did you?... or is we a covent... coven?... cove?... co (company)... c?... speaking of planets (which will be in a future entry which you probably already read), let's let this entry continue and stop playing with words for a moment)...

yeah, back to my lamentations and their potential meaning and perspectives I give them and you may receive from them and how different everything can be in a multi-layered universe like the human brain)... if you've read enough of my mostly dead places or my blues or sour grapes or various other dumping grounds for unpleasant emotions (and there are plenty) then you know I am open to feel and exploring the downbeats that come from sadness, insecurity, negativity, and stupidity because that (expressing, exposing, analyzing, releasing, and turning emotions into fun or meaningful {to me, at least} writings is how I process the hurts or angers or any negativity and end up laughing at the situation (or more often, at myself) and remain the happy camper I usually am…

whether you've found this explanation in some previous writing or not (and I've mentioned it more than a few times), that’s how writing ultimately started for me, physically (through pen and paper) talking to myself (cuz nobody else would listen or understand poor little ol' me when I was very young, relative to human life-spans and all)… but before long (I figured everything out in the first few pages, ya see) so much of my writing became word play and writing characters, creative games, and trying to tell a story in a lyrical twenty or so lines (as Harry Chapin and others do so well…

that is not to suggest that there is nothing personal and absolutely no subtle begging for attention in my words (duh, huh?… feel free to giggle with me)… surely (not the name, but the word) I want attention and feedback and interaction cuz in the end, life is about the sharing for me and I hope to share a whole lot more than I am sharing in recent years cuz I’ve been in doldrums of superficiality and sedentary blahness and an aimless warp devoid of creativity most of the time in the physical world outside of my head… but you know this, don’t you…

so I’ll just share this…

sometimes when I'm away I wonder where everyone went
I wonder is everyone gone
I wonder am I just not paying attention

sometimes when I'm away I wonder what every word meant
I wonder how to carry on
I wonder am I just giving in to rejection

sometimes when I'm away I wonder when everything bent
I wonder why no one responds
I wonder am I just getting lost in reflection

sometimes when I'm away I wonder was everything spent
I wonder who I have become
I wonder am I just lost in over reaction

even when the meter is perfect
even when I hit every rhyme
even when I don't it doesn't matter
if I'm just passing the time

if I am not honestly caring
if I am not being aware
nothing can make any difference
if I am not even there
if I am not really there here here here

am I really singing
is this sound really a song
if nobody hears it
what is...

sometimes when I'm away I wonder what went wrong

but then, right and wrong relative collaborations of judgment that I tend to find lacking in substantive value in my life most of the time and with that prelude to pondering at the beginning of this entry there must be at least a gazillion ways to interpret these words, so how could we not proceed to discuss them avidly for years and years?... and so I'll start (or is this the end?), ironically, in case that rhyme appears depressing to you, that came after a pretty good sleep and meal and from a positive place (or at least in a peacefully happy mood)… there’s mostly an ironic smile for me in the words (I wonder if you saw that or what you saw without my input)…

you may have already read the entry above this, but it's time to continue this thought there now... I wonder if it'll make more or less sense now that you read this (or if you had read this before)... we may never know, alas, but let's leave all this discussion of who's losing what behind for now and dance...

you lead :)

this would be Wednesday

even though it's Friday morning in, what's that?, RealTime™... I have about fifteen minutes (if I am to be my usual semi-late for work) before getting dressed and thought I'd visit al of you... quiet night everywhere, from what I see... s'ok, I suppose, as I don't have much time weekdays to read and respond as I'd like (did I say babble?), but it's still nice to know you're out there doing your thing while I'm out there doing mine...

and if we take that use of there to mean offline then it's also nice to know you are here doing your thing too, here being online as offopsed to the more egocentric here (this particular web page)...

so my quiet night reference was in regard to roaming around to your online worlds and finding you didn't have much time to say (or words to write) this week either, not that you wrote less than I did cuz you at least are not backed up to Wednesday, but hopefully you know what I mean (it's not a competition, after all, I am just taking a really long winded path to say I miss you duh)...

not that I miss duh... I miss you...

but all semantic play aside (well, maybe not all cuz that wouldn't be me, not would it?), I hope all is well in your world and we get to communicating more again soon...

around here, as of Friday morning we still have an uninvited unexpected house guest, but perhaps I should stil to Wednesday so you follow the linear events and might actually understand a thing or two instead of just scratching your head wondering what I am rambling on about (hopefully somewhat amused, if only in that cordial way we smile at senile dancers who forgot to put on clothes before wadding {kind of swaying in their limited form of dance} through the public fountain at sunrise when the local constabulary come by to remind them and escort them back t0 the home)...

look at the pretty sunrise :)

anyway, Rasputin's brother has been living with his mom for a long time, working on and off, and basically being supported by her... she's been trying to figure a way out of the situation for years cuz she's past normal human retirement age and would like to spend a little time alive without a dependent child in her space and packetbook all the time... so she finally, rather suddenly, picked up and moved out west to live in the same city that her other son (who'smarried with kids, a house, and quite independent) lives... she called last week or so to let us know...

we should have guessed, but the August rent was not paid on her apartment in Florida (they lived three or four hours away) and the Florida brother appeared at the door a couple of nights ago around 1am... apparently he had enough money left to take a bus to Orlando and take a cab from downtown (20+ miles) to here... and so I woke to find knapsacks in the living room and extra dirty stuff around the house (and the distinct smell of must, sweat, and cigarettes) yesterday morning (that would be this morning, I think, Wednesday-wise)...

nobody's mentioned the change of living arrangements yet (as of Friday morning)... in fact, except for some awkward glances from Precious (who looked like she was calling out for help) while they were all sitting together in the living room, I wouldn't even know they noticed me living here (which is the way for them, staring at the TV and ignoring the dirty dishes and piles of crap they leave everywhere, if you recall, but I understand, they don't know what to say so they avoid acknowledging my presence so they don't have to say anything... don'tcha just love humans in denial?... isn't everybody?... ok, we should not be laughing)...

when I get home tonight, hopefully there'll be some time for some conversation, but we shall see... I might just give them the quiet time they need to sort things out and wait for Raspy to tell me what they've figured out... hopefully one of the things they figured out was not asking me for money cuz Raspy already borrwed more than a grand for himself and his family in the past few years and he's always broke so returning what were supposed to be loans hasn't happened yet...

story of my life, aye?...

shhhh, I know better, you oughta know that by now and if you don't well, shhhh, I know better (he says with his god0like all-knowing sighing-smile)... hey, if giving away money and stuff gets a guy into heaven or whatever good thing happening after this life (if there is anything happening after this life), then I figure giving away more than six figures of dollars gives me some credit with the universal bankers... or else I just like the karma feeling I get from knowing I gave a whole lot more than I've received in this life (and money or material is the least of the values I mean :)

that's why I stay relatively poor now, so I don't have a line at the door (if you are laughing, you might understand me better than we thought... truth is amusing sometimes, even when it seems to be unfair or even suck :)

I'll be back with more updates tonight (I think) and who knows, we might breeze right through Thursday and realize it is Friday and any day now I'll pick up the phone and communicate in real RealTime™ and then, who knows what mischief I'll get into... mischeif?... neither spelling ever looks right for that word... I think that's appropriate and a perfect example of how my brain works... the work is supposed to be mischevous, after all...

today is starting out to be a great day cuz these words have me bouncing so I am heading out to work (after dressing, I'm not a senile dancer yet... well, at least not during work-hours... much) and I hope your day is as wonderful as mine...

even more so, cuz that's very possible too :)