so what i am doing now is

let's see, instead of sleeping tonight i spent a couple of hours setting up fantasy baseball teams, more than two dozen of them, really, because i love numbers and statistics and games that involve numbers and statistics and i seem to be less interested in sleep than ever and i was rarely interested in sleep, especially during times of singlehood... in fact, the only time i am ever at all really interested in sleep is during times of couplehood because i love the cuddling into unconditionally trusting oblivion that sleeping with someone can be and love even more the waking in that infantile state, if you know, the one that Tinkerbell remembers Peter Pan in, where she'll always love him, and such newborn eyes sights, so i find things to do to amuse my brain while not sharing that...

i wonder how long the body will survive in singlehood...

also, besides the hours fun calculating the numerical probabilities of fantasy baseball teams, i wandered meetups a bit and added a few more to my calendar... you know my calendar, right?... i mean, you remember me mentioning my calendar that i found online and created so people can actually know where i am and what i do in real time so maybe someone who might want to meet me might come out to meet me in all the safety and awkwardness of a public place... emphasis on the safety...

wait, the link is around here somewhere...

and i joined another softball league, so come the end of June i will be playijng softball Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday evenings... maybe it'll raise my interest in sleep as i pitch inconsistently and hobble afterward... not as bad as the guy in Misery, but stoll hobbling is not a way to be playing softball, if being a team sport and all... unless everybody hobbles, then it might be ok...

i hope the people on the team are fun... i hope i get on a team... i hope they don't have a pitcher... i hope they let me try to play another position too now and then... i hope they don't all laugh at me... i hope they are nice... i hope the girls are really horny hot babes who wear super tight short shorts and skimpy halter tops and all want to sleep with me...

ok, i'm kidding... i hope they want to do more than sleep...

ok, i'm kidding... i hope they are innocent and adorable...

i really am not into the hooter's girl types... not that there's anything wrong with being a hooter's girl type, but i am just not into the typical large-breasted-females that is the norm for this culture... i'm probably a pervert...

and while all this (or that above the last aside into foreplay, or fiveplay, even) was going on (the fantasy baseball, the meetup wonderings, the baseball signing up, and so on (beware of the and so ons, ya know?), Precious was playing an all-night marathon of Gilmore Girls, complete with it's cuteness and witty raportee and stereotypical human misdirection that all great human stories are made of (hours and hours and days and years and lifetimes of saying the opposite of what is really meant or felt inside cuz of some pride thing or something… people are such scaredy cats)…

so here we sit as the sun approaches the horizon, just out of sight from this vantage point at this moment, but we know it's there, after all, we are not ignorant tribes of nomadic wandering people fearing the dark and making blood sacrifices to appease the gods that press the sun down into the earth each night and might keep it there forever without the blood and the dancing and the praying stuff or killing in the name of any other sort of religious hogwash, are we?…

you just never know when that socio-political sort of commentary might suddenly rear it's amusingly obnoxious (or is that obnoxiously amusing) head… just apologize to the fundamentalists and bend over and let them… well, you want peace, don't you?... yes, staying up all night does bring all sorts of thoughts (you know, thoughts, those things that somehow pass through the brain cells now and then) to mind… especially when the rapid dialogue of the Gilmore Girls is rambling on in the background hour after hour as if there is so much to talk about the words must be compressed into cartoon-like run-on sentences replete with nouveau classic literary references and obscure intellectual humor that gives those in the know the sense of being in the know, you know?...

well, here comes the sun (da duh duh da) and it is alright... ridiculous as it may be to stay awake all night, it's alright... yes, little darling, and i say, it's all right... maybe i should nap an hour before heading to work…

nite nite :)

almost brief, but missed

time for a big YAY for new much appreciated rabid fans, ummmm, unsuspecting victims errrr, visitors, even fancy visitors, welcome!... much welcome and comfort and pleasure in your stay here, reading and all… may you feel the comfortable hug of appreciation i send to you… in spite of my irreverent teasing and incorrigible egocentric self-mockery that you might get caught up in mostly unintentionally… interaction is even more fun that imagining fame, ya know?...

meanwhile, in other worlds, this month the SSA Music Awards were given out by a local promoter (i've mentioned Phil before… he also does extreme baseball, the one with two sets of bases and two pitchers pitching to two batters simultaneously, but that's just cuz he's crazy like me… actually, he's a very quite kinda shy dude in real life, but can be fun to hang with when he's awake) and Logan Belle beat out Amy Steinberg (my favorite local) and others and i must admit, one song had music and lyrics that moved into my head…

and one of you dear people inspired me to ponder time (who said uh-oh?) as i do from time to time and i found these brief thoughts… I play with time, mock it, tease it, manipulate it, and otherwise have fun with it as if i have some control over it simply because i can put a date and time on an entry or something... time is relatively meaningless to me most of the time… it is easier to appreciate the moment when you are not paying attention to time... and after a while, perhaps you will understand that real life is my fantasy... in fact, i believe real life is fantasy or illusion and sharing mutual fantasy/illusion is the real life i dream of :)

yeah, well, it makes sense to me :)

even without the smirks…

meanwhile, back to lust...

another dear reader, who shall also remain nameless just cuz i feel like pretending to be secretive cuz it's fun even though you can find out who inspired what by finding the original comments, seduced me into pondering the words lust and a multitude of definitions came to mind... libido has a few, mostly involving physical passions, drooling, and wet dreams... but relating to this weekend more viscerally, musical lust is a different animal altogether... and while a musical lust that tickles libido's fancy is wonderful, in most cases the musical lust rises above the erection, so to speak... i believe this came up while pondering kawehi who i called my current lust interest in a recent entry, though i was referring to another when i mentioned girlfriend, like in the new Say Anything song, but just because someone seeks psychiatric help does not mean he's crazy…

and as is often the case, a babbling mid-weekend entry rambles to and fro and where for art thought cohesion or linear meaning, forsaken for all obvious eyes and hoping for the unique pair that sees through it all to the core of me (is it still in there?)… is it any wonder why so few readers stick around past the first few visits, no less fine something to say after reading… better to just come and say hello or leave a smiley face without reading the words, distracting as they may be… but no worries, there is some way out of here and you need no joker nor thief, really…

in spite of the time stamp, the sun also rises and i would benefit from a modicum of sleep now, REM sleep would be wonderful as i've not been there in days, at least,, which is a sure temptation for psychosis, but so far, nobody's been killed or even maimed… it has been a wonderful party, in spite of it's apparent safety… after two nights of concerts near and far and long drives, we come to a day of college football followed by an evening of Neil Simon's Rumors in which Precious's best friend played Lenny and did a wonderful job of the part, especially the long monologue in act II, followed by Chinese food and more college football…

and since i hope to be awake to attend some sort of meetup of philosophers and freethinkers where we will explore making fun things out of stem cells (or playdoh, or something like that) in a few hours, i shall upload this entry and mention the previous one was not there only moment ago, just in case you are one of those like me who like to catch up cuz you don't want to miss a thing (like Aerosmith, yeah), and turn my eyes off and see if my mind will allow some sleep to happen in it…

i'm gonna need a vacation from all this fun…

nite nite :)

the beautiful blur

ok, so life is a blur and any blur is more fun shared (not to mention much safer) with someone enjoying the same blur (blur being anything, really, even something not very blurry at all, but in this case, life is quite very blurry due to sleep deprivation due to booking many more activities than can fit in the circadian rhythm and definitely reaching the teary-eyed blurriness that few survive intact, but then, that is what the mental hospitals are for), but this solitary blur is in fact much fun and so far, relatively sane except for the way the body is swaying and demanding rest in the usual ways (like a slight scratchy throat suggesting a cold coming on… the cold {for Orlando, FL} nights out in T-Shirts after sweaty concert bouncing can do that)…

so i wander home alone after the communal rush of bouncing and flailing to music in a packed house, side by side like sardines, acting like moths drawn to flames… all for the love of music… and so i wander home singing wish you were here… in multi-part harmony, not to mention in several different songs, while the euphoria waves carry me to the best places i know…

and the process was repeated tonight, which would be Friday night, except that Rasputin and Precious were there, one on the floor with the kids and up on the second tier saying he felt old because the place was packed with kids, but then, the music is for everyone who loves the music and we drag him out now and then just to make sure his blood is still circulating cuz we wonder sometimes when he seems to become part of the couch… the crowds of kids are so repressed lately… the energy is stiflingly low… and sadly, the artists reflect this… it seems to me that these are the days when music is more energized when played back from recordings than when played live… the inadequate audio systems and poorly trained sound people definitely do not help at all…

the bands were dressed and groomed more pretty tonight… last night they all went for the grunge unbathed look… but last night was a much better concert, more people, more varied and lively audience, bigger stage so more energy on the stage… and it did not help that the venue cut the time of the show so that the bands had to cut out songs and were not permitted an encore… even more ridiculous was watching big bouncers intimidate kids away from the merchandise tables before they could spend the money in their hands… bad business… in fact, here's the letter i wrote to the promoters (yeah, i did):

Hi Molly,

It is good of you to notify fans. What was very unfair was the way fans were cheated out of a full show. I saw The Spill Canvas show in St. Pete on Thursday and again at The Social on Friday and both Meg & Dia and Spill Canvas had to cut their sets short and not permitted an encore because The Social double booked concerts Friday night. We paid for a full concert at The Club at Firestone prices, which are almost always a few dollars more than The Social prices. We were cheated due to the change in venue and time limitations.

In fact, the bands were cheated as well as we were not even permitted to buy merchandise after the show as loyal fans with money in their hands were intimidated right out the door at 8:30 PM by big bouncers.

Bad business that leaves a bad taste in the psyche of concert-goers. Many were talking about not coming to a concert at The Social again and asking for a refund next time the venue and show we paid for was no longer going to be what we paid for.

I realize that the change in venue may have been due to the low ticket sales, however that should not mean the people who did pay for a show should be short-changed on music and merchandise and then bullied by the venue employees. If anything, the two opening bands should have had their sets cut or simply not played, rather than have the band(s) we paid to see forced to short-change their audience. Or the second concert could have started later.

Perhaps the big business that music is does not leave room for caring about fans, or even about giving a fair show to paying customers, but I think it should. At least the lead singer of The Spill Canvas was gracious enough to apologize to the kids who did not see the better show they put on the night before at The State Theatre in St. Pete. The cynicism that corrupts most big business slowly destroys quality and loyalty and music is not immune.

Maybe this reminder, put in front of the right eyes or into the right ears, will help new bands find the success they seek, rather than undermine their own success by putting on mediocre shows like the one we attended Friday night at The Social.

Thanks for reading,
ric
407-325-1482

----- Original Message -----
From: Molly French (mfrench@artistarena.com)
Sent: Tuesday, November 13, 2007 3:31 PM
Subject: The Spill Canvas 11/16 ***IMPORTANT SHOW INFO***

Hello The Spill Canvas fans,

I am writing to inform you that the Friday, November 16th show originally scheduled to be held at Firestone, *has changed venues*. It will now be at The Social (54 North Orange Ave, about 5 blocks south of Firestone). The doors will still be at 5:00pm and you will be able to pick up your will-call orders at The Social’s box office.

We apologize if this causes any inconvenience. Thanks and have a great time at the show!!

Regards,
Artist Arena
*** If you have any questions, please first refer to our Frequently Asked Questions page. ***

MOLLY FRENCH
************
ARTIST ARENA
212.420.8500
853 Broadway
Suite 1710
NY, NY 10003

I wrote that the next night after a bit of sleep... there was just too much euphoric blur to be thinking those thoughts last night... and anyway, i did get a little extra sleep cuz i took Friday off, but the fun of music inspires too much great energy to spend much time sleeping it off… and that was the day that was when it was in RealTime™ and now, this is the entry that became of the day that was when it was in RealTime™ and you are the reader who cared to return to this entry that became of the day that was when it was in RealTime™ and i thank you then and i thank you now and i thank you all the time…

and nothing can totally undo the wonder that music provides and it is definitely easier to enjoy the fun in spite of the influences of human greed when the beautiful blur is in effect (and to think, some need drugs to get here)... hopefully there will be another generation that sheds the commercial crap and rises above the conformity and fears and repression to set their energy and love free again... until then, i'll just do it by myself and hope some might feel it now and then, even if they don't acknowledge it...

and hopefully you feel the fun of the beautiful blur too :)

behind the web

there is a level of immediacy and intensity beyond that which teenagers experience in ordinary circumstances in our western cultures (and perhaps in all human cultures in these times) and while most everyone seems to move toward less intensity with age (calling such immediacy and intensity drama, i find my capacity for intensity of emotion (beyond what we'd commonly call teenage angst/drama and/or critical momentary imperatives) was well beyond the norms of my peers back then and it continues to grow and that, simply and without any irreverence or avoidance playfulness, is the clearest most direct and honest explanation for why i am alone today...

meanwhile, back in the irreverent playground of my mind in which i relate to you dear folk the daily life we collectively refer to as mine (though it's been a long time since i claimed any ownership, but that's another story), continuing the journey we were on yesterday (you can join in whenever you get here), I was enjoying carla bruni immensely, or rather, i was enjoying her voice and image and music immensely (but hey, a guy has hopes and dreams, ya know?... call me carla) and easily veged here in front of the tv and computer most of the day…

but let us return to the start of the day…

the dawn breaks and somewhere in the depths of sleep in what i believed to be a dream i heard my name being called ever so faintly over and over… this went on for what seemed like hours, but probably was more like ten minutes or so, as Precious was trying to wake me in her shy and distant way by sitting across the room and focusing all of her energy on me while meekly calling my name (at least she doesn't use props or cold water or anything, but she could tap me on a polite body part, after all)… apparently her laziness wanted a ride to work and claimed she woke up late and instead of hustling out to the bus, she played poor little girl who needed a ride… Rasputin really needs to hook her up with a car, now that she can drive… anyway, my plans to sleep in and catch up on desperately needed sleep (what with the jetlag dragging me around all week) week out the window and after driving her to work and stopping for some food stuffs cuz the cupboards were getting bare-ish, i continued wandering the web exploring for music…

so today and tonight, instead of motivating myself to go out and do something (anything, even if it was not the exercise i truly require to survive and remember who i am), while the TV played college football and world series and much commercial interruptions, i discovered a site that lead to a site that had files stashed away in folders and some of those files were mp3 files, so i spent much time downloading unknown music that i shall listen to one of these days… in my journey through these off the beaten path sites, between flashing images of natalie portman's ass (which is fine by me… in fact, it would be fine if it was by me often, but that's another side of life, as the moody blues would sing, sorta… have i gushed about natalie portman lately?... i wouldn't want her to think i was not still holding her dear to my heart, after all… i mean, just in case she wants to know when she stops by to read, after all) and a video of marie osmond passing out on some dancing tv show and the usual porn found when scavenging behind the scenes web sites, I discovered a most shocking thing that z0tl knew about, but kept secret all this time (you see now why i didn't marry him)…

but wait, seriously, all irreverence aside (at least for a moment)…

i am not quite certain whether i am momentarily excited or traumatized, but i just discovered the internet archive… yes, the internet archive… apparently, while we have been uploading our private thoughts and images and stuff to the web and, when we felt like it, deleting what we no longer wanted out there, somebody, some unknown entity called the internet archive has been, now take a deep breath, archiving much of what we've put up on the web and still have the deleted pages that we thought we (or someone else, like Disney, for instance) deleted…

maybe i'll gather my wits (and the links) and put together a presentation of some sort that would tie together the web journey from the beginning that i thought was lost when the servers i had my original web pages on deleted them without warning (little did i know the internet archive had them stashed all these years)… on my first search, i found 2007 pages i thought were lost… the number is quite ironic, aye?... anyway, i saved some of them, but it'll take days, maybe weeks to save them all… and do i really want to read them again?... of course… and do i really want to link them for anyone to read?... probably, but then, wisdom suggests i read and perhaps even edit them a bit… or at least fix the HTML errors and present them in a better layout reflecting what i've learned about html since the mid-nineties when i started this web journey…

I found that a whole pile of the original journal started in order to maintain some semblance of sanity during the most challenging and depressing times i've yet to know in this life still existed on the web… i must have thought i was ever so clever back then, being deluded and suffering from a peculiar version of stockholm syndrome or some such traumatic stress disorder, after all… i did not find all of the blogs from the streets, but just the smattering i did find might be enough to induce quite awesome flashbacks and earthquakes in my otherwise stable and relatively boring current affairs…

i really would like a copy of that nude video of natalie portman though, if it is her, though publicists have clouded the issue well (so why would she be quote as being sorry she did it if it was a body double, aye?) since it was removed from youtube before i heard about it and did i just digress on to this playful (obsessive, me?... naaaaa… but i can be hopelessly devoted if she'd like) tangent without warning to avoid contemplating the past life (or lives) or for some other, perhaps more clever or more healthy reason... masturbation does get the heart pumping, after all, and it is sometimes the only exercise a sedentary couch potato might get in the course of a day, so doing it well (not that i am suggesting we turn it into an Olympic event with judging and everything) and often is recommended by any doctor worth paying… well and often, that's my prescription… but to return to the question in question posed earlier in this paragraph, we'll have to consult the doctors and the peanut gallery one of these days and for now, did you know natalie was born in jeruselum?...

heavy city, no doubt…

and by heavy i do mean critical immediate intensity… but far be it for me to suggest that i am the right guy for natalie portman (have i repeated her name enough to get google's attention?)… or emma watson, for that matter (random tangents are the most fun sometimes)… i mean, less random might have been meg ryan or mila kuniz or milla jovovich or (yeah, libido is awake too), but it is not the right time for an orgy so let us get on with this entry, shall we?...

yes, well, it is (seriously) quite startling to find writings i thought were long lost…

i can imagine it feel a bit like it will feel when i finally unpack the hundreds of scribble pads i filled with words and doodles before i started using a computer or if i can access all the computer disks in storage… or more unlikely, ii somehow stumble upon writing that were stolen back when my 4th street apartment was broken into (bohemian lower east side of nyc days, if you've seen you've seen Rent then you have some idea of what i mean)… oh, the plethora of dreams and fantasies and music and memories to be rediscovered and shared someday, somehow, somewhere (yes, West Side Story too, though i was the pacifist in my crowd)…

the most beautiful sound i ever heard…

la la la… yeah, and all that jazz… so how was your day? :)

brief history of the web (personal perspective)

and as seems to be the flow of babble these days, which may very well be more toward the interactive than it has been in years, this entry is yet another comment expanded (though the previous two still await expansion themselves) in the brain in the head on the shoulders of this body i loosely call home... you can find the original comment in the previous entry and that you, quasar9, for the inspiration...

the thought stream was about how the internet is used to communicate and in some ways provide a safer, less immediate, less demanding form of personal and impersonal interaction... for all the pros and cons real and potential, i found myself exploring my time on the net from times i was caught in the web to times i was away for a while... this comment barely scratches the surface, but it may summarize the brief history of the web as i personally experienced it as i realize this is the start of the second decade since i first made a what feels, at least in me, like a home on the web...

we join the comment as i respond:

so true, so sad in many ways, at least when this form of communication substitutes for other more personal, immediate, and intimate forms of interaction (which is has for me and probably does even more for many)...

that is one reason i avoid chat programs... i do not need to become even more conditioned to look for interaction in this sedentary position...

it does go a long way to satisfying my love for words, writing, reading, and corresponding though...

back in 1995, i spent some time in AOL chat rooms... i still have fond memories of at least one person there, but we were never more than names on a screen...

in 1997, i spend a great deal of time in a Yahoo chat room called The Asylum™ and found a few wonderful people far away (Perth, Austraalia; Seattle, Washington; Aukland, New Zealand)... those are the three i recall most warmly, even recall names and things about their family and lives...

i also did a lot of chatting on ICQ when it first came out... and Missy, one of the people in my offline life today, was met through ICQ back in 1997... i think she was 15 at the time and looking for a daddy and I still play that role in her life (much to the chagrin of my wallet)... i stayed with her and her mom a little while in 1998 and when i returned to Florida...

homelessness in that period took me away from Yahoo online space (i no longer felt like the slap-happy bopping bouncing cartoon character "anonanonanon" or even the closer to the core me "childinside" i portrayed in The Asylum™ and i returned and found myself in newsgroups... similar to comments, except threaded like bulletin boards, i indulged my loneliness and desire to help others by spending a lot of time in a newsgroup specifically focused on loneliness... became one of the regularly there... even got caught up in the drama of the moment...

less immediacy, less conversation, less chance of having to discuss my impoverished (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and every other ally) state of being...

i also started blogging in 1998, simultaneous with all the other stuff... maybe earlier, even, and that was the beginning drifting away from chat, IM, boards, and newsgroups... it was my way of trying to keep in touch with people as i spent less time online... it did not work...

i found that even those who claimed to adore me and whined when i was gone and cheered when i returned did not follow me over to my blog... apparently it was the atmosphere of the communal interaction, the "room" and not any specific individual that everybody was there for...

i never found the same interactive energy/satisfaction and adrenaline rush i found in chat or even in newsgroups, but i settled into this online lifestyle mostly because my computer could not keep up with the advancing software technology and then, it because comfortable to play at a much lower energy level with much less activity or opportunity for connection...

i became increasingly lazy...

apathetic, complacent, ambivalent, and fat in my internal thinking, external movement, and integrated emotional life...

i let my abs go so flabby i do not have sense memory of being physically myself... and this is where i stand sit today...

dumb...

numb...

lonesome...

on my bum...

yes, on my bum, but at least i am no longer a bum, i gave up the carefree homeless lifestyle for the casual night shift lifestyle back in 2001 and then gave up that comfortable low-responsibility life and now wear collared shirts and pants and shoes to work (next level is a tie and i am resisting that like a noose, literally) and sit in a director's chair in a private office... shared administrative assistant though) producing reports and proposals that develop and improve the systems and turn the engines of a small psychiatric hospital...

monday i'll be at the marriot in oklahoma on business...

life comes full circle once again as this is where i left off back in 1990 when i ran away from the administrative bureaucratic madness for life of total leisure a piece of swampland in Florida... pity i did not have internet back then (i settled for snail mail and advertised in a dozen magazines (Writer's Digest, Rolling Stone, Harper's, Atlantic Monthly, Redbook, Cosmo, and lots of others) as i publishing newsletters and a small magazine called Paper Fantasies to an interactive crowd of thousands)...

and all this to say, yeah, i agree... and I suppose there's a touch of been there, done that in this ramble, but more, it's a part of the renewed impetus to introduce myself to strangers again... so thank you for getting caught up in that and helping to inspire more memories to pop up...

you too, find wonder and fun in this weekend... weekends are made to be great :)

and now, at least for anyone stumbling upon this entry in the archives or in the brief time it will appear as the blog, you know a bit more about me and my life on the early web... we won't count the brief episodes on the BBS system back in the 1980s... and this probably could be expanded with links to milestone web pages and other links that marked transitions from one phase (the beginning) of the past ten years (or twenty, for that matter) to another and eventually, that might be the plan, but for now, in the limited time i spend here, this is the brief history of the web from my personal perspective, outline version...

this is the point when writing discuss amongst yourselves would be an appropriate closing line, but it seems kind of pretentious in a blog, at least in a blog with the small community we share... still, i dream of boingoboingo interaction, so i'll be pretentious and giggle as i close encouraging you to talk amongst yourselves...

nite nite :)

g'morn

I was just about to post an entry on 10/16, or more likely 10/7 after midnight, but the time-date stamp below is set for 10/16... this window sit open on the laptop awaiting words... but I fell asleep before completing the process of typing, cutting, pasting, and clicking on the PUBLISH POST button... and when i woke, I found the Office 2007 window with words closed and puzzled a moment about how that might have happened and did not have time to open and explore (especially when opening it uses one of the precious 25 times I am allowed to use it... my intention to leave it open is thwarted by frequent Windows Update requests and new software installations {as I search for the ideal software} that require re-starting the computer) what might have happened... hopefully the words were not lost and I'll get them out here someday soon...

when last we left each other's fine company, our intrepid time traveler (me, in this case) was rambling on about sleep and random thoughts, I think... that is, I think I think random thoughts and I think I was rambling on about sleep and random thoughts I think, I think...

O . . O
.
O

ummmm, yeah... so anyway... I woke this morning (it's Thursday morning, I think... thank is, oh let's not get started on thinking again) early as I fell asleep right after dinner last night... I feel much refreshed, but definitely not completely refreshed as I used to feel when I woke (if you recall . . . my spirit is reborn each time I open my eyes . . . from my answer to the age? query most everyone seems to ask before any other, even before name? which is, to me, such a sad reflection on the stereotypical prejudices and superficiality of our species, but that's a rant or ramble for another time, I think... stop)...

yes, i... i do capitalize i in reference to me... shameful and I shall attempt to stop this instant as I just thought of the reminder z left an instant before this instant as the brain does from time to time... think, that is... and remember... but that's another thought for another time (and I mean another blog entry, not necessarily another time, the blog, if you know what I mean and thank you so very much, dear s, for noticing and responding)...

it is time to shower and go to work... the many thoughts being thunk in the brain shall have to wait on the sidelines as is more often the case than not of late... I shall attempt to return this evening, but am realizing as I am semi-refreshed this morning that I do not return to me much these days and most often my rambling words are not coming from the core of me, but rather playing for attention out of loneliness and an aching-to-the-point-of-numb desire to share more... I am neglecting myself and therein, not sharing myself...

I will attempt to find time to ponder this in more depths as soon as possible, and find remedy for the self-destructive situation I am becoming slightly more aware of in serious consciousness at this moment... the distractions of space and time and work and life are definitely winning the battle for my attention these days (and why must it be a battle?... shhhh, no time for such thoughts, time to stop thinking)...

I wonder if being more amused than frustrated is a good thing...

time to stop wondering too...

till tomorrow...

g'morn :)

all we are saying...

ok, being a follower of reluctant proportions, it took me days, at least, to stumble in line behind the z and that's after years of procrastinating about which or what computer to buy knowing all along tht anything would do what I wanted it to do as long as I didn't ask too much and I didn't download incompatible junk...

so I am a Firefox user.... I'd much rather be a Firefly user, because the girls are so cute and Mal has a real hero ethic perspective going... but more than sex, this week was about love... love, love love, to quote the Beatles scholars, John and friends who got by with a little help from all of us in spite of the stones cast by the folk living in the glass houses on the hill...

and once upon a time I ran more regularly and slept more regularly and mode love more regularly and it was not that I was any sort of regular guy, but I was more balanced... and it is, as the prophets of the Moody Blues once said, a question of balance... and a matter of trust, to quote the sage with the two first names, Billy Joel (not completely unrelated to Bill Jack, I suppose)...

and so I drift teary eyed from lack of sleep into the mystic, to follow the Van (not too far removed from the Jim, I suppose) from one warped tour to another... the white van that meg and Dia drive around, no doubt, would be just fine... but the energy wanes even as this entry begs to take off to the wild blue yonder where rainbows begin and end (at least as far as we can see, but then, we should know there is so much more and so many colors to a rainbow, as the holy man Harry preached in the time of Caanan and Carter, just before the dawn of the even of Reagan....

and the jesters sang senseless oratory as the band tuned up for the final song, a grand crescendo of peace and hysterics, rocking from the cradle to the grave and the stage in between... not to forget the minstrel Don of the McLain mclan who reminded us all that this world was never meant for one as sensitive as birthed to be free and not buy into the age old fears or rules that empower them...

and unwed mothers cry in shame
while old men priests play the blame game
condemn you but don't ask your name
false virtue is their claim to fame
behind the robes they wear their masks
to cover their unholy tasks
in the name of god who fronts for greed
and teaches liars how to need
while truth and children left to bleed
are too put down to take the lead
with pessimism running high
idealists try to touch the sky
and pragmatists just make ends meet
while realists live on the street
in the great letting go
it's all part of the show
even if we're the last ones to know
and so all is much better well (to come out of the dance with odd muses and return to the present in RealTime™ experience where painted ponies go round and round and wild horses come to carry me away)... you don't have to have imagination, most people get by without one... but just in case you are of the few who do, bless the beasts and children with me one more time while I relate the late night thoughts flashing randomly through the synapses in which I realize consciousness in this life...

as I am slipping into the seductive sounds of Jarah Jane Personal CD that reminds me of so much I could be overwhelmed if that was possible, but as it seems not, I am fulfilled from afar with the mysty memories and fanciful fantasies and hopes for humanity, or at least the one cuz sensuality is not dead yet and neither am I...

take me back to Jen Chapin, why dontcha...

but I never wanted fame (and not so much fortune as I gave it all away)... all I ever wanted was one devoted soul, one number one fan, one insatiable lover, one uncompromising promise, one mother sister savior daughter, one honest love, one partner in crime to share everything... to be the cheerleader and the cheer... to share the pedestal of mutual worship and idolization and passion for being together, always... to actualize the peace of unconditional trust... someone to, as John Denver and now Jarah Jane say, take me home... yes, and to know all we are saying, is give peace a chance...

together as one...

nite nite my friends... maybe you dreams come true and even if they don't may you still dream them and believe they can...

seriously serious

it happens sometimes... not often, but from time to time (or on rare occasuions) I am inspired to be seriously serious... if may be rarer than we imagine, actually, and perhaps mostly lost amidst irreverence and clouds of distracting giggles (fluffy clouds that look like bunnies and hearts and funny faces, not dark rain clouds, after all... though the near blinding flash of light shooting through the blackest storm cloud can inspire my giggles too, but then, I am perhaps stranger than most), but there are moments in which I string together several sentences of seriously serious...

I did that most recently... inspired to ponder what to say to someone who experiences the death of a mother lead me to write the following email (yes, I wrote an email... I was shocked too, but back to being seriously serious):

Hello Rick,

a beautiful spirit Cali pointed to Karen who shared the energy of your loss...

I offer a hug and I send you love - and I share my perspective on life, death, and being...

the energy of love continues through all things and our defined perception differentiating living beings and what we view as non-living beings does not stop the flow of love... I hope that you open yourself to the energy and let it help your through the loss of the physical contact with your physical birth vessel, your mother, by feeling the love she continues to send you and believe she is feeling the love you continue to send her... we can define it as memory, as spirit, as ethereal energy, as whatever we wish, but semantics only help us share belief and knowledge with those physical beings we call alive... speak with your mind, your internal energy, and she hears... listen with your mind/heart sense, and you shall too...

may this perspective be of some comfort to you at this most challenging time and throughout your life...

honest love, ric
407-325-1482

some of you might know of my final rhyme that I wrote when I was still going through puberty (or perhaps before, actually, as it's always been around in my scraps of papers) so my perspective on death may come as little surprise to you... and as a happy agnostic more than anything else, my bottom line is that I do not know what is beyond this life or beyond the current perception of the senses I access in this body... but the perspective I attempted to place into words in the email above is perhaps my favorite when I construct the possibilities of what is beyond as I would like it to be...

ultimately, I wish life to be a celebration and I wish leaving this life to be a time to celebrate having been and rejoicing in the memories that remain... of course everyone will make of it what they want to and most will probably disregard my wishes because the indoctrination into depressive dogma is so strong it defeats even the supposed respect anyone might have for a loved one (or anyone), but I can hope there are some who will rise above their fears and personal baggage and desire to be sad in order to give me one last gift...

shhhh, reverse guilt-tripping is reverse-psychology riding side-saddle and it might work if we just leave it at that, so nevermind this paragraph and whatever else might come on this subject and let the above be my final words on the subject when I am quoted...

I mean, if anything more than the rhyme itself is needed to get the celebration started...

so somewhere in your mourning, I hope you dance...

dance for the life that was real that you feel
dance for the time you remember with me
dance for the inspirations still moving you
dance me back into your reality

for I want to be a reason for your smile
so I did not waste loving you all these years
sadness only lasts for a little while
when you learn to see rainbows through your tears

I am riding the rainbows
floating on clouds
beaming with sunshine
shouting me out loud

I am singing in children
laughing in love
dancing in your mind
living above

this world was a grand time
not eternity
is waiting for your mind
to open and see

that's where I am now
that's where to find me
when you want me you'll find me riding on rainbows
riding on rainbows...
that's where I shall be
dancing for you
and always hoping
you will dance for me
dance with me

dance for the life that was real that you feel
dance for the time you remember with me
dance for the inspirations still moving you
dance me back into your reality

what-ev-vah

I know emotional hunger
so insatiable hunger
that the loudest thunder
is a whisper in my ears

or is that just blood pounding through this world called my head... would it be any different if someone shared my bed?... will it be any different the moment I am dead?... where is the fool who hangs on every word I ever said?... the one and only one who defines the words love and friend... she is all that matters to me when the world comes to an end...

but until then, I want you to matter... I really do, even when I say whatevah, what-ev-vah... I want to believe that we're all one I want to believe this is fun I want to believe what we share is real and never done, but do you know why I run?... do I run to forever? (for-ev-vah?)... or do I run to keep us apart or do I run - to keep me together (to-geh-the)...

I may have abandoned the idea at the root of this blog, or so it would seem from this perspective (wherever this is, where-ev-vah) at the moment (and increasingly over the last few hundred entries here... and I wonder how it's changed over the year{s}... and I wonder if it matters and who cares {what-ev-vah} and I wonder what I'm even doing here, what?)...

I know ethereal thirst
an insatiable thirst
am I blessed or cursed
can you understand my tears?

I laugh, I cry, I cry, I cry, I shed tears for many reasons for they cleanse my eyes and I can see clearly now through the rain in my mind as my spirit streams through the waterfall...

am I creative anything worthwhile, some sort of art... or am I just farting around, wasting time for nothing...

and even as I listen to Bill Maher talk to retired Colonel Larry Wilkerson (worth a listen) in the background about how the Bush-league president (who does not deserve the respect of a capital P nor the respect he gets out of blind loyalty to flag, country, and constitution) is ridiculing you and me by hiding behind the military (from Colin Powell to Patreus) and turning that defensive strength into a mockery of offensive ineptitude and political puppetry as a corporate oligarchy reaches around to fondle (and empty) our wallets while fucking us up the ass...

must be Mos Def's influence...

but even as Mos Def slurs his speech, I find value in his words (except his blind spot about his religion, like most religious folk) and Cornell West makes some great points from an intellectual perspective (though he seems more a dreamer than a realist and pity many {most?} can't see past his appearance and demeanor, including the color of his skin, and his vocabulary shoots right over most heads) and then in comes Ralph Nader (does Bill Maher have guts or is he just crazy?) to add yet another flavor to the ADD atmosphere of the eclectic soup Bill and his producers brew up each week...

I know an intellectual craving
an insatiable raving
I am tired of behaving
fuck my status and my peers

I don't care about my reputation... I don't want to be thought of well... I just want to find one person... who understands this living hell... paradise is just an illusion getting harder and harder to make a case for... sacrifice is just more pollution from corrupt minds caught up in fear and war... I just want to find one person... who understand what this life is for...

what-ev-vah...

and if I tell you all the fuck yourself would you hold closed your virgin ears would your eyes look away in shock and bury your mind in your ears would you miss every point I made and toss out any worth I am would you pretend to pity me or simply fail to understand... the mind of this uncommon man may never know a master plan and never deemed to join a band and doesn't always wanna hold your hand but once upon a midnight lost he wonders what his dreams have cost as no one shares the deepest place and no one knows his truest face... is he the victim of the times or just a joker lost in rhymes, a player mocking pride and fame or just a child playing a game...

all this may not even be about me (if you ever thought it was), but then, it only matters to the few who care and even you who are not here can only imagine who I am and hope-believe you understand... hell, most people don't even understand themselves (do you?)... sometimes I think I am the only one who does (what's true?)... one life, species, world, living in spit on a rock in the vastness of the universe...

what-ev-vah...

we are compelled to do what we must do, we are compelled to do what we have been forbidden... don’t trust me with your children, people, for I will allow them to express themselves freely and will not put restrictions on their play, I will encourage them to open their minds and embrace their hearts and explore their senses and experience life with every bit of their ability and energy turned on to the max... and you will accuse me of corrupting their minds or even condemn me with some perverse fear you project on everything around you, in your illusion of judgment, as your children express themselves freely as who they are, rather than who you want them to be...

and what if everything you know really is wrong like the prophets of Firesign once said... who's judgment would you follow, or fear, then when all is said and done (or even long before that, like right now wherever you are)... and some old prophets lost in moody blues sing isn't life strange... while most everyone else is simply waiting on the world to change...

I know a physical lust
and insatiable trust
to be alive I must
overcome your rules and your fears

so am I damned by my passion to actualized myself and experience being alive or are you condemned by your desperate fears and apparent need for conformity... don't you see that you are falling for such a false sense of belonging... don't you see that you are sucking on the teat of such a superficial sharing?... don't you see that you are buying into (and selling) such a pretentious caring?... how can you love your neighbor as you love yourself when you don't even know yourself, no less love yourself... poorly, as you do... how can you truly love anything you do not know?... blindly, as you do... how can you care for anything you don't know how to care for?... pretending, superficially, as you do... how can you trust security when you don't know anything but pretend you know everything?... falsely, as you do...

and when no one actually responds, when no one smiles with understanding, when no one offers hugs of appreciation because the words express the way they feel too... how can I not feel like I am the only one... when I ask questions and no one responds to the words... how can I not feel as if no one truly understands me... and no one truly cares, hears, sees, feels, perceives, understands, or experiences life as I do?...

don't let it get you down, it's only castles burning... I've been saying that a lot lately, huh?... are the castles dreams, or perhaps the illusions no longer bought into (but still haunting, and therein, burning)... whatever the castles may be, don't let it get you down... it being whatever may be getting you down... see, in the end I will test your patience and most likely push it beyond it's limits... in the end (perhaps long before that) I will drive you crazy in one way or another because that is just what I do (and you don't want to change me cuz you love me, right?)... is anybody listening?... hello hello hello, is anybody out there?...

what-ev-vah...

just when you think you have an open mind, I'll be knocking on a door I find... just when you think you have secured your heart, I'll find a way to tear it apart... just when you think you are one with your god, I'll find another who is not quite so hard... just when you think you can be sure of me, I'll show you something you don't want to see... cuz I know how to change and I know that's what life's about... there's plenty of time to stay the same after we're dead... and if there is a right and wrong and I am either one... I will change to make it right because right is more fun... but until we know for sure I will be trying everything... living is growing growing is changing changing is what life's all about... I'll be the puzzle in your game - just when you thought you had it all figured out...

I know an endless curiosity
and an infinite intensity
and I believe in honesty
through all laughter and tears
I'm not one of my peers
I don't buy all your fears
however it appears
your lies hurt my ears
your lies hurt my ears

and the saddest truth of all is that lies are as common as sunshine and rain... lies are part of every day life, lies are how most deal with pain... most base their lives on lies they read in books up on their shelves... and no one knows the truest truth cuz we lie to ourselves...

but what if someone did not lie... what if someone actually overcame the fears that produce and depend on and feed lies... what if someone dared to live an honest life from moment to moment... how lonely that one would be...

what-ev-vah!...

are these characters in some book we've never read or simply figments of imagination asking to be fed, running through my mind as I just where they led... or is that just blood pounding through this world called my head... would it be any different if someone shared my bed?... will it be any different the moment I am dead?... would it make any difference if these words were never read?... where is the fool who hangs on every word I ever said?... the one and only one who defines the words love and friend... she is all that matters to me when the world comes to an end...

I know that my fondest dream
an indefatigable dream
that the purest love
the truest love
the honest love
is a whisper in my ears

but even now, I want you to matter... I really do, even when I say whatevah...

what-ev-vah...

yeah, so anyway

maybe I just like myself too much (or like to hear myself think too much) and so the loneliness never actually grows powerful enough in the actual reality to lead me to pretend that I am not happy or disatisfied with life alone with me... it's sad for my romantic heart that I am the best company I ever knew... funny, in a way, if you aren't so offended by or afraid of honesty that you must diminish it or put it down somehow (honest ego is so misunderstood at this point in human development, I suppose that's why Freud's fear-of-self perspective is still so widely accepted as the basis of psychology and why drugs seem to be the answer for everything that deviates from an average (actually, it's a mode, but statistical analysis isn't very popular outside of my head) commonly called the norm...

the last time the universe was understood was before it was here... wherever hereis... but pretending we don't know that gives us something to do with ourselves that distracts us from the potential...

somehow, every night since last Thursday night there has been a reason for not sleeping... it's slightly annoying as I am not getting to the gym or out running because the body is telling the mind that history and scientific study (along with modern medicine) and that norm thing suggests the potential end of life that could come from pushing the body parts too hard without giving the cells sleep time, but the mind (or something like that) is telling the body to bounce around some more and if it must be idle (the body) then it (the mind) will be jumping through hoops to amuse itself and send all sorts of hormonal energy throughout the body because it wants to have more fun (and meaningful stuff) than sleep...

words like insatiable, incorrigible, unbelievable, and stupid have been used to describe me in these infantile (stubborn) energetic states... but then, as long as we define anything, it is finite... as long as there is a universe, there is something bigger, something beyond the universe...

wait:

as long as we define any entity, we make it finite by defining it and there is always something more than that entity... if there is a universe, then there is something beyond the universe...

more universes, perhaps, or just something beyond

or something like that (thanks to John, the heart feels across... thanks to Q, the brain ponders beyond... thanks you z, for the devotion... thanks to S, for the consistency... thanks to you, for putting up with it all... the universe, what a great song it is)...

whatever, I haven't forgotten about the past entries that were are missing (like teeth through the hourglass, so goes the cavities of our lives), but when the mind is spinning like a top to amuse the child inside, what's the difference (the story of life as I know it, perhaps)

when the flower blooms in the meadow and no nose is near, does it's aromatic essence still smell as sweet?

show me the meadow!

of course you had me at hello would be such a sweet scent for my ears if the feeling was mutual, but it's been a lobg long time since such an eseence rolled over my senses and I'm beginning to wonder if I've somehow become immune or given up hope or, perhaps the truth rises above the fray when I ponder the bigger picture (and begin coloring it in) only to find myself alone where minds do not seem to go (if a mind ponders on planes beyond the conscious universe, is anybody out there?)...

people, in general, just do not want to play anymore...

but then, the more right I think I am, the more wrong I can be (so I accept my opinion with a smile of knowing that it's my opinion and facts are for others to judge or hang on to... I live in the land of make-believe and frolic in the meadow of the unknown...

hey, I am still pondering the computer question (in case you missed the previous entry and it didn't simply leave you speechless)... and what it all comes down to is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine cuz I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one's waving... will money and good sense stop me from getting the new toys?... it was in the garden of a madhouse my youth went pale and showed it's ass......

someone besides me has just got to get it the way I do...

but then, whoever said life was fair (wait, I was supposed to say cuz life wouldn't be fair if nobody else did first... dang brain getting ahead of itself again... who's keeping up?... can I get a show of hands?... my hand is small like yours, ya know, and it's a sad life to go around with both hands in pocket so brave the new world and full steam ahead... ayeaye captian, can we flog the mast now?)...

look what they've done to my dog, ma... blogma!

somewhere out there in this universe is a mind laughing at every joke, shedding a tear at every bittersweet nuance, embracing every instance of being, chiming in, sounding off, clammering for more and yet, silent as space... or maybe that was in another universe... and what if it really is all simply a child's game?...

if I believe in dogma, does that mean I amgod?...

it is altogether possible that if I ramble on long enough, something might ring a bell or else someone might leave a comment where there was none when I started rambling and therein disembowel the power of my declaring (or confessing, but that would be a secret) that I poured my heart and soul (or some such secret stuff) out between the lines of the last entry (or some such entry prior to this one, maybe the ones that were are not there) and you missed it... huh?...

but then, maybe it's a sign...

O O
O

if life is a song...

make it a duet.

at least,

for almost every song is more beautiful when sung in harmony... note I did say almost, but I'll leave that for others to ponder as I choose to hope for the ideal world that can be if we'd all sing in harmony (and appreciate and support the solos as part of the our shared song)...

and once I sang:

give life to the love deep inside
for the love that you hide
will be gone once you've died

give life to the tears you have cried
for the love you've denied
becomes pain when kept inside

give song to your heart and sing
the words you know are true
give song to your soul and sing
the words you know are you

and watch it become a verse in the song of humanity
for that is the way of love when it is spoken honestly
and feel as it leads to the chorus we all know so well
shared it brings the blessings of heaven
repressed it brings the curses of hell
listen children to these secrets grown-ups seldom tell
and sing your song of life sing the song of your love
sing to share and not to sell
and you will understand everything
before the last bell

give song to your heart and sing
the words you know are true
give song to your soul and sing
the words you know are you
what life through yon window breaks (beware, the shatter pane, invisible to all but the heart that knows the ways of betrayal and the dangers of blind mirth)... embrace the endowed spirit with all you are, for the flight, for the fall, for the gasp, for the call of the wild deep inside everywhere... and listen for the song of the essence, let it know you are there... join in the song with your presence (all you have to do is care)... honesty makes you aware there is nothing to fear... you'll know you've arrived... when you get here...

and once I sang:

and the small circle of humanity at the top of the cultural food chain (and the evolutionary food chain as well, but that's another story) do not want to look down upon the rest as if they could understand the difference, but rather look to embrace the recognition of being where they are and appreciate others who show love, if only in awe, and occasionally manifest a deep loneliness for the moments shared with those who have been there...

and a few, starving artists and deliberate vagabonds and cast-offs from the lifestyle, look up at where they've been and see memories akin to the stories of the gods of Olympus, lost between time and space, myth and legend, being there and being here... and like ghost of another time or fallen angels, they appear like anyone except to those who can see the shadows of the ghosts they once were (and still are inside, invisible to the masses as they've assimilated the common ways, but nonetheless themselves)...

poets have long attempted the expression of such people and journeys, a few may have come close, but what is beyond words might be expressed in some other are or better, in love for the few who have known and can understand...

the presence, the energy, the gifts are all around us for anyone open... blessed and cursed by their each individual choice, we become the myriad of faces woven into the tapestry of humanity...

never meaning to be elite or aloof, Adolf struggled with his feelings of inadequacy until it tore him apart and left him a shell of a man with a pain so deep it blinded him to his own humanity... not Eve nor god herself could have reached him, but did none try, I wonder... could Aphrodite have soften his heart?... could Bacchus have cheered his spirit?... could anyone have reach the child inside?... when lost in a fairy tale written by the devil, a paradox within a fantasy within a myth within a legend within a story millions might believe to be history, how can we separate reality from fantasy and know?...

honesty is such a lonely word...

but the laughter of children can save us from the depths of despair that our own ignorance leads us to, like moths to the flame, like lemmings to the light, like Icarus to the heavens... to know what many call God is not to venture up or anywhere, it is simply to be honest inside... and to be in that small circle of humanity is not to leave this world or others behind, it is simply to actualize such awareness in this physical world... to sing your song...

and then this one time, in RealTime™...

I love you
even if you never know
or believe it could be so
I love you with all my heart
that is what I do
this is who I am

I love you
even if you live in fear
or put cotton in your ear
I love you with all my soul
because you are you
you don't need to understand

it might be better if you knew
if you would comprehend
you'd not feel so alone
you've always had a friend
who cares to know your heart
and all that's on your mind
I will protect your soul
from the cruel and unkind
we share the DNA
we share the energy
we share experience
even if you do not see
this life is where we are
all part of energy
a living symbiosis
all branches of one tree
so there's no better choice
than to embrace the truth
the answers that we knew
before we sold our youth
when all there was to do
was reach out and play
to just be me and you
and not afraid to say
I love you
there is no better way
I love you
right here, right now, today
and at home, I ate like I was at a feast, then, in my seventeenth hour awake, ran for an hour (thank you for the reminder)... and I faced the sour notes at work and prepare for the sad conclusion the morning shall bring (that woke me and brought me here to write these words, I suppose)... and in spite of it all, today was a good day (and thank you for the inspiration)... each of you, in your own way, provided exactly what was required to bring me to a peaceful bliss...

yes so in spite of it all, today was a good day... today was a good day, because of it all... because honesty lead the way, I knew just what to say, and it doesn't matter if I soar or I fall... when honesty leads the way, every day is a good day, when honesty leads the way, we can heart our heart's call... when honesty leads the way, we can answer... and make the best of it all :)

nite nite, my wonderful friends and all ships at sea... may your light guide you to a safe harbor where you find comfort, sustenance, and rest... and may tomorrow find you off on another adventure, singing your song in harmony with the universe, knowing you are loved because you are part of it all...

yay :)

just another day at Epcot

the best thing about theme parks may be the exercise... well, no, the best thing is the fun and sharing the fun... the next best thing is the kid can come out to play (which is similar and may be the best thing at that... but one of the best things, for sure, is the exercise... I've never been to the parks with someone who lead me around and took me past my endurance limits, but even if I get to 50% that's a lot better than sitting around...

so Jackson and I ran around Epcot today... there wasn't enough time to do all we wanted to do (especially since two of the things I wanted to do were out of service for part of the day and so we didn't get to do them... another time, but I did notice more down time and closed attractions than ever before... and there were other signs {like unrepaired areas, fewer fireworks, closed restaurants, and exhibits replaced by merchandise tables, for instance} that lead me to think that Disney is cutting corners)... possibly because attendance is down (that's what it looked like to me)...

still, Disney is a magical place and theme parks are wonderful escapes into an energetic child-world... and we definitely got great sunshine and good exercise today... I decided to treat for dinner cuz I wanted to eat at one of the more expensive Epcot restaurants and we chose France... delicious... seriously delicious... enough to give references...

we shared a cream cheese bacon and onion flat bread appetizer (Menu: Les Tartes des Chefs Original Flatbreads from the brick oven A la flamme Alsacienne - Alsace specialty. Cream fraiche, onion and bacon)... then I had onion soup (Menu: Soupe a l'oignon gratinee,
The classic onion soup topped with gruyere cheese)... then shrimp/scallops dinner with a spinach quiche and cream sauce (it's not on the online menu) and a chocolate torte with banana, coconut and chocolate ice cream for dessert (not on the online menu)... Jackson had broiled chicken with mashed potatoes and braised tomatoes (Menu: Demi poulet fermier a la broche, pommes puree au basilic et tomate braisee,
All natural rotiserrie chicken, basil flavored mashed potatoes and braised tomato) and creme brulee for dessert (Menu: Creme Brulee, Vanilla creme brulee served with a madeleine)... we also shared a bottle of Vouvray, a chenin blanc 2005 wine... I added a chocolate chip cookie and chocolate mousse to my dessert at the bakery after leaving (something to munch on while walking around... seriously yum)... yeah, food is magical too...

Epcot was still a second home for me with nooks and crannies so familiar and personal... space open and full of international energy and space semi-enclosed perfect for almost surreal quiet moments in the midst of the party... for many years I visited Epcot (and the other parks in Orlando and Universal holds many intimate memories for me as well, but especially Epcot) regularly, on vacations and then, living close enough to see the nightly fireworks from my front lawn every night... while the semi-tropical climate was a prerequisite for me when I finally left NYC, I probably chose Orlando due to the theme parks...

anyway, I never kept track of how many days I've spent at Epcot or the theme parks over the years, but a conservative estimate would make this at least the 500th day I spent at an Orlando theme park and probably the 300th day I spent at Epcot... it is the energy it attracts and inspires, especially the energy that the kids generate in a theme park, but personally it is the freedom and comfort I feel in an environment that is meant to be a playground for everyone...

wish you were here :)

and I wish I could find more friends who felt as I do and had the means to buy annual passes and the energy to run around from before the parks open to after the parks close, even for days in a row until the experience becomes surreally beautiful as the fatgue and endorphins and magic lifts the brain to alternative planses of consciousness (like running a marathon through the playgrounds of the real world and of the mind and best of all, sharing it with someone on the same wavelength)...

Jackson is one of those friends, though she can't afford to go as often as I'd like to... but today was a serious YAY day and that's the celebration I am enjoying right now...

meanwhile, getting home, there's Ody on the couch looking pathetic (he looks {posture, expression, cleanliness, demeanor, movements} like a depressed homeless person even though he's riding a gravy train in our living room... no one can be helped unless they want to be helped, but they can definitely be enabled and that's what's happening here which is why I think the only thing left to do is put him out recommending professional help... the water is out there if he wants to drink) and of course the TV on again... Raspy appears to be asleep in his room... Precious is in her room either asleep or at her computer... so catching a bus out oif here Sunday or Monday did not happen on Sunday (as I expected) and we shall see if it happens on Monday...

nothing's gonna bring me down (I read the news today, oh boy...) and memories of walking through the twilight with a scruptious chocolate chip cookie and chocolate mousse after a delicious French dinner into an English garden to hear a Beatle's cover band singing some of my favorite songs shall send me off to dreamland tonight with a magical feeling and an infinite smile...

I hope your days was as blessed :)

totally cheating and a commercial interruption to boot

so I woke up at 4AM cuz I nodded off just after watching Pan's Labrynth which was just after getting home from work and eating dinner (salad again, yum... I love it when I am in the loving salad frame of mind as I've been all week... I physically feel so much lighter and less bloated, less sluggish, less like dead meat, but this is besides the point, maybe, of this entry) and started on my rounds of you wonderful people and got all caught up in commenting over at Serenity's Tide and decided to simply repeat myself here and call it yesterday's entry since I fell asleep (as noted above) before writing an entry last night... Pan's Labrynth was good, though note you must read the subtitles unless you understand Spanish fluently...

back to the comment that is soon to be this entry, almost, it probably helped that I went out for a run (I've really got to find the instruction book and read it and learn how to use this chronograph watch one of these days cuz it's got tons of features and I'm missing out on the statistical play it can inspire, not to mention that I am erasing the results before I actually see them all... dunderhead laughs, but at least I did see I was at under 12 minutes for each of the two laps I did and about 23:30 for the total two lap time... I then walked a lap in about 20 minutes and might have continued except I suddenly felt a touch of discomfort at leaving my wallet out... yeah, he's still here, but we'll catch up on home and life and everything else in tomorrow's entry {which will probably be written tonight} and you can catch up with the past week's worth of amazing stories so you don't feel left out of the journey I loosely call my life {in RealTime™, no less}... anyway, it felt great to run at 4AM again) and took a shower and felt all awake and relaxed and happy before I started wandering around the web this morning...

maybe now would be a good time to get back to the comment that is soon to be this entry (I wonder how many of you laugh at the same time I laugh... I think it would be so cool if we could have some sort of non-intrusive reaction meter, like each reader could click a few buttons to choose just how much access to give the writer in feedback and then (here's the technical almost sci-fi-ish stuff) we'd have computer software and hardware that had audio {and video for the not-shy} receptors and also a ring and sensors that read pulse and blood pressure and respirations and diaphragm movement and bowel movement {ok, maybe not bowel movement} and pupil dilation and nostril dilation and mouth movements and salivation and skin temperature and electromagnetic and biochemical reactions and {I did mention this part was sci-fi-ish, right?} and brain waves and for those really bold and open and secure, mind reading devices and I've wandered off on another tangent, haven't I?)...

aherm (throat clearing sound), what about that comment that was going to be this entry?... yeah, well, it is cheating (like totally to just use a comment written elsewhere for an entry, so maybe that's why I felt compelled to babble on to begin (or maybe it's just the adrenaline rush from running and the endorphins and seratonin and wonderful world of biochemical molecular and sub-atomic highs and peaceful bliss {not to mention the glee, never forget the glee} that we can enjoy in this physical life) this cleverly disguised commercial, I mean totally cheating entry (so it's not so totally cheating after all anymore, aye?)...

yeah, the comment part is coming, I'm just testing your patience by letting my mind wander where it will go and putting words to the journey as I've been known to do from time to time... this entry is actually informative and not meant to be a commercial, but it's about a world of products that I am considering trying just cuz I like experimenting with my brain and this seems to offer a legal way to do it... and I don't think I qualify for medical marijuana... though I do think I would like to from time to time cuz it's the only externally induced high that I actually find myself missing when my mind wanders through it's memories of the days (and nights) of experimenting with the illegal brain games... some of the acids and newer chemicals might be fun to try too, but I've somehow become such a straight edge in my current decade that those days seem like ancient times... this is sort of related to the comment, by the way, in case you thought I was just digressing again...

not that digressing isn't the better part of valor, or something like that... digression is the better part of squalor... or is that repression?... yes, repression... repression is the better part of squalor... digression is the better part of babble... of course you can quote me, I mean, what am I - famous or something? (only in my mind, where it counts)... the clock is suggesting that I get ready for work, so by default, it's time to present the comment that would have been totally cheating if it had been this entire entry, but is now merely partially cheating, though still could be considered a commercial interruption... I'm lucky you love me, especially if you're British or Canadian, aye?...

ready?... ok, go:

if you all actually read this comment we might all learn something (cuz so many of you seem to enjoy research and analyzing things deeply) , but then, I expect most people will miss most of everything around them, so I leave this comment with a smirk and a grin and hopefully nobody in a stuffed shirt missed the point cuz of all the words and asides and teasing... see what happens when I wake up early?...

anyway...

always open to what seem to be more natural healing and health, I took a look at what people at Wikipedia say about this Dr. Bach (not withstanding the name, Bach, being the name of the author {Richard Bach} of one of my favorite books, Illusions, ever that I just happen to be grazing through these days) and found someone who appears to be someone I would have like to have met in spite of the fact that he may have been British (ok, I just woke up with mischief and irreverence meters turned up way high... if you don't know Monty Python, you won't get the humor in this as I am relating to the way the Pythons used 'the French'... but that’s not to say the British are uptight or anyway, I mean, it’s just coinsidence that the International Stress Management Association is in South Petherton, right?... anyway, back to the serious matter at hand, flowers)...

so I moseyed on over to the Bach Center and found Bach (the doctor, not Richard) was a bacteriologist and pathologist who gave up his lucrative practice to devote the rest of his life to the new system of medicine that he was sure could be found in nature... noble and crazy (by normal human standards), I like him already...

of course there are many learned minds who’d question the sanity of a doctor who convinces himself that he has a disease, mental or physical, and then finds a flower that cures that particular disease he gave himself... not to mention the fact that he died at 50 years old, which, even though life expectancy was shorter in 1936, does not bode well for his overall health practices since he was his own guinea pig...

still, being a supporter of medical marijuana and other herbal, flower, and natural remedies for what ails us, I went to the front door of the center and read on a bit...

I especially wanted to know just what Vincent was suggesting so I asked myself, What is Rescue Remedy? and as is so often the case, the internet answered... it seems to contain the following flower petals:

Rock Rose for terror and panic
Impatiens for irritation and impatience
Clematis for inattentiveness and to counteract faintness
Star of Bethlehem for shock
Cherry Plum for irrational thoughts and lack of self control

dontcha just love nomenclature and language?... gotta wonder if the first person who named things secretly knew their hidden uses and gave them names that kinda went along with their purpose... then I started wondering if Little Jack Horner pulled out a Cherry Plum and not just an ordinary everyday run of the mill plum... that might be why he felt better after words, but let’s get back to the matter at hand...

what's that?... oh yes, flower petals... anybody else thinking about Zuzu?... you know, Zuzu's petals... what?... you don't instantly think of It's A Wonderful life on the spur of the moment at random times throughout your life?... oh, I thought everybody did (I'll un-widen my eyes now)... maybe you were thinking of the band...

all in all, from my hours of impromptu and irreverent research, Dr. Bach, while he may seem a bit kooky to some, or many even, seems to have created a whole line of products that have enough respectability to be sold in over 65 countries (based on human judgment though, well, never mind) so I'm gonna give this idea a thumbs up... sadly, it seems he only explored flowers in Britain, in fact, in a rather small local area, not to say that the British do not have flowers worth exploring, but imagine what he might have found and discovered if expanded his search parameters and he'd used his instincts and knowledge to explore rainforests (where I personally think the relative cures for everything can be found, but then, I'm crazy by normal human standards too so take two grains of salt and call me in the morning)...

so now we're all asking "where can I get these wonderful flower petals?...

well, apparently, way back before they had a TV show, Dr. Bach (is it just coincidence it rhymes with Spock?) contacted The Nelsons to help distribute his flower remedies and they still do, in spite of taking time out in the 1950’s to do a TV show... now how can we fine nostalgic Americans question Ozzie and Harriet?... they (The family Nelsons) have been at this homeopathic medicine gig for almost 150 years... you can even find the nearest actual store closest to you that carries Nelson products (I’ve been to the one listed near me many times and who knew they carried this stuff) so you can talk to nice people (cuz only nice people work in healthy stores that sell flowers and herbs and health foods, right?... but really, at least you can look into someone’s eyes before you eat the flower just in case it sends you on some magical mystery tour or bad trip, even)...

the best thing about the whole searching I did for you and me and anyone paying attention tonight is there’s a way to take a quiz and find out what flowers are best for you... The Nelsons sell flower remedies and the essence of individual flowers all over the world (65 countries), so to know exactly buy the flowers individually, click on this: here you are (the site is especially translated into US English, as opposed to that strange language they speak over in Britain... though they include Canadians in this, so that might make one questions it’s credibility right off the bat... ah, I miss living in Toronto, really I do... except for the weather nine months of the year, and the local constabulary, but I digress)...

seriously, use the “remedy chooser” on that page in the ‘here you are’ link and answer the questions honestly (that is the true secret to healing, by the way, but humans aren’t ready for that leap of faith just yet so it’s good there are the flower petals ya know) and they’ll tell you which flowers are best for you...

for more info (as if you haven't read enough already), here's the research they are doing... and the Bach Center has even more info too... aren't you happy Vincent suggested it?...

I might just try some myself next time I’m at the store...

end of comment portion :)

now go about your regularly scheduled day and have a wonderful time doing it (it's totally up to you, you know... unless you don't know, in which case it's still totally up to you, but unawareness muddles the actuality... hopefully that doesn't happen to you too often, but it is part of this being human thing, or so I am told, so as you practice your human stuff, don't forget that much of it is a fool's game that wastes potential and time and energy and the real reality {and answers and cures too) is (and are) all in your mind)...

much love and a big hug for you, dear reading person, and thank you for spending this time with me :)

coolness

coolness is going to Disney and being a kid with friends... and that's what I did today... it is something I should do much more often, but friends like me are not easy to find cuz most grown ups run out of energy long before I do and I don't have friends who have kids I can borrow and besides, I'd like to share adventures with friends who have some shared/collective history from the last millenium...

not meaning to come off ageist or anything, cuz ageism sucks linty gumdrops and it's one of my least favorite of all the myriad of human prejudices... but as much as I can (and do) learn from little people who've only been alive a few years, what I want most is a balance in sharing that comes from not only the most essential ingredient, as mind and heart as open and honest as possible, but also from some reasonable measure of equivalent experiences that seem to only come with time in this life...

feel free to prove me wrong cuz anyone who can will surely be exactly what at least part of me is looking for... and there's much more seriousness than irreverence in this challenge...

but meanwhile, back in the day as in this day as in today, coolness prevailed in the play... we played at Disney's Animal Kingdom... the kid almost popped out and let loose, almost (we didn't quite run around cuz, well, I didn't feel like her energy level was ready to run around in the heat {and I didn't want to lose her in the crowd, so I kept slowing down so she could catch up} and we left at about 4pm after 7 hours {who's up for a dozen twelve hour days at the parks in two weeks like we used to do?... running around until we were ready to drop... where are you now? [lost deep in a parenthetic spiral, no doubt] and who are you now [as the Moody Blues sing] and whatcha gonna do when they come for you?}, but we did have fun at the parks and that's coolness and definitely one of the better weekends {even more fun than Warped Tour} so yay for almost cuz iot's a lot better than anything else except all the way)...

the roller coaster was a happy surprise... the water rapids was a disappointment even though we got good and soaked... the Finding Nemo live musical was teary-eyed fun... the walks through animal habitats were not as depressing as most zoos... the drive through animal habitats was a tease as the size was so tiny and population so few... the bird show was awesome, seriously amazing trained birds...

the day was steamy hot, no rain, good sun... the crowd was big, not packed, mostly tourist... the food was Disney food, reasonably decently prepared fast food, sadly overpriced... the waits were excellent for Disney as we timed everything with fast track passes and seldom waited more than five minutes for anything... all in all, fun and yay, coolness...

in case you are still out there and have not already noticed, I slipped in Thursday and Friday entries that may be more revealing (or imaginary) than anything you've ever read here before (or this may simply be a desperate clever attempt to influence you to suggest to you that your desire to read the entries you may have missed is strong enough to click on the days that link to the entries you may have missed that you are now curious enough about to click on the days that link to the entries you may have missed that...

and there's a song that never ends too...

did I mention I had Mountain Dew today?... and a frozen banana covered in chocolate and nuts?... read nothing sexual (or gross) into the banana and nuts covered in chocolate (cuz sometimes a banana is just a banana, as Freud was proported to have said to Anna according to the voices in my head and/or the prophets of SNL, circa 77 or possibly 76, not route or sunset strip either)... there could have been so much more... bouncy bouncy... the fun was much fun and when there is no one left to share the fun, the fun bounces around inside and comes out in words... at least for me, it's fun... but then, that may be because I know everything the words are not saying and there's amazing fun happening even if the words don't get it all explained quite as clearly as it might need to be to be conveyed into your brain's fun center, but I appreciate the benefit of doubt you give me when you take my word for the fun that the fun is...

I suppose I coulda had a V-8, but then, I coulda done a lot of things and I did what I did and it was fun so what do old commerical references have to do with anything anyway other than to segue to nowhere in an irreverent flash?...

so I watched John From Cinncinati again (which will seriously disappointment me if it turns out to be yet another typical God-message show)... and then I watched The Dead Zone as I do when I am home on Sunday nights and all the while, I was writing this entry just for you, yes you, because you are the most special you in the whole world and that's coolness... thank you for being you, for being here, and for reading all the way down to this line... that's coolness too...

hope your weekend was fun and full of coolness too :)

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, what?

you will probably see (or not see) entries for the last two days pop up suddenly sometime later on, like maybe tomorrow night or maybe Monday or Tuesday or... things happened, words bunch up in the head and demand release (like shorts, only different)... as my last comment to you guys said, I've been distracted, spacey, busy, and not lazy the last few days...

distractions come from changes at work (as does the busy)... I gave them an extra few hours this week, at least... Wednesday the new part time Data Specialist started and so I was training her in our systems most of the week... then whenever I can find time I sit and watch the former PI as she tells me about the reports and stuff she does... Friday we had a couple of auditors in all day so I was tied up with them (first priority) and training the new data person (second priority) and listening to the former PI (third priority) and doing the PI job...

the spacey comes from August memories (not August dreams, though I really do need to return a phone call, aye?)... ah, my diaryland is a distant memory, but at least I found an offline friend who goes to Seaworld with me there... maybe next weekend, tomorrow it's Disney with Jackson (my semi-officemate cuz I am moving into my own office Monday and will sometimes be using the desk and computer in her office, but it's now a work-home away from home instead of work-home... I'll just be across the hall, so we'll only miss each other a lot instead of horribly)...

the not lazy comes at home cuz in spite of both roommates constant lethargy, I motivated myself to do some serious rearranging and cleaning and got most of the laundry done... last week I bought stuff for the space... shower caddies, a table, shelving, stuff... today I opened the boxes, put stuff together, cleaned and reorganized the space... that's deep cleaning, not just wiping the surface...

feels good :)

ironically, I turned the TV on for a few moments tonight cuz it's habit while I eat and I was just in time to see Barry bonds hits his 755th home run and hear earlier in the day that Arod hit his 500th home run and the baseball statistics kid in my head found glee in numbers... mostly, today was filled with music as Precious was out until the evening and Rasputin slept, so I popped CD after CD in the player and didn't sit down until just a few moments ago... that feels good too... and more hunger to share...

in days to come I may expound on the August entry for the myspace blog and the words bunching up in my head will find their way out (cuz that's the method to my madness, dontcha know)... the distractions and busy times will continue throughout this month and I feel the hunger for offline sharing growing more and more, but I don't see myself leaving the blog world as writing and sharing words is as much part of me as breathing... I hope life is good in your world and you are finding motivations, inspirations, and satisfaction (as much as possible)...

and thank you for breathing with me :)

don't get me started on sleep now

I actually almost feel rested... only almost, so no serious worries just yet... besides, I really have major responsibilities at work for the next few weeks so I must remain focused on the tasks at hand... though being fully rested and busting out on some fantastic and mostly completely irresponsible adventure sounds quite appealing to me right about now...

we're supposed to be making the transition at work next week... unfortunately, I still don't have a replacement trained and in place, not even half the replacement, and the data piles up on my desk every time I step away to do some other work and late data just makes more work for the QA position I am moving into... and several of us are working against deadlines...

I did select a candidate and she's being processed by personnel... references, background check and all that stuff... if she comes back clean, she'll be offered the job and hopefully she'll take it and I'll have a part time data person to do as much of the full time CDS data job as she can so I can move into the PI/QA job and the current PI/QA person can move into the UR/CL job she wants so she can help the current UR person and CLs, all of whom are overwhelmed with caseloads at the moment... that's Clinical Data Specialist, Performance Improvement, Quality Assurance, Utilization Review, and Clinical Liaison, respectively, in case you just had to know and didn't already...

I think I'll just put on Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars and fall asleep with it on repeat (though I've been loving Alexa Ray Joel, Bright Eyes, Shannon Thomas, and others tonight too... including The Beatles, Elton John, and The Moody Blues... yes, returning to the roots... Pink Floyd and Harry... BeeGees and Don McLean... Seventh Sojourn and Blue Jays)...

you don't need to ask me if I'll be your friend
I am
I am

you don't need to ask me if I'm sure my friend
I am
I am

I am your friend
you must remember me
I'm the one who saw through your disguise
took away the cloak and made it hide
from me
remember me?

you don't need to find the words to say what's on your mind

and when you wake up from the #9 dream... can Barry Manilow be far behind?... now that's a potentially scary thought... John Denver?... deeper and deeper the spiral leads (or is it a rabbit hole?)... I'll be creating in the gardens of ones and deeper still at this rate... can I stand the excitement?... oh not the show music we're not ready for that, are we?...

and who would not drown in the ocean of tears
that backs up in sleeping hearts over the years
when once again opened to overcome fears
the depths are too much for the eyes and the ears
where only true hearts can survive
but how many left, who will arrive
how many true hearts...
are still alive

oh there I go wandering along the edge of the lament of lost childhoods again... alas, the human grows up, Peter, and Tink and the dreams must be left behind, over the rainbow where only wishes and the sounds of wistful music can go... shall this be a long and winding road leading to nowhere entry?... it's a little bit funny, this feeling inside... I am resisting the babbler as I do need to be alert for work tomorrow... and yet, the bubbles of memories and fantasies and hopes and dreams are pressing against the surface and tickling the defenses so irresistibly...

but what if I don't wanna grow up?...

human, remember, we're trying to be human here... oh yes, the frailty, the insecurity, the foolish fears and wasted years and idle tears and senseless ears - playing the unawares so well, so long, till we're really unaware...

but what if I don't wanna be human?...

what?... after all this time?... four hundred plus entries invested in this human project... the latest feeble attempt to learn how to give up the simplicity and truths every open mind is born with... and ending sentences with prepositions, no less... or whatever they're called... turn off the spellchecker and cast out the grammar checker, the typo-mad babbler is... no, ready or not, I must not stay awake all night tonight...

after all, she's not here...

and who would believe in the childinside
still alive and well and refusing to hide
when all the world fears the love long denied
when they will scream madness across the divide
where only true hearts can survive
how many remain, who will arrive
how many true hearts...
are still alive

cold cruel orb that haunts the night... cold cruel truth that hides in light... cold cruel child left on his own... cold cruel truth now fully grown... how to be kind when just by being alive you point out that they've all lost their minds?... how to be kind when just by being alive you point out that they've all but given up and died?... how to be kind when just by being alive you point out just how inadequate they choose to be?... how to be kind when just by being alive you force them to face their reality - or mass insanity - comes down to put an end - to the truth they do not want to see... what if that child, just being alive, was you or me?... can anyone tell me what happens to a heart grown and still true?... hey Jesus, is that what happened to you?...

well, wouldn't that be a scary song to perform at a church social... hellillfoolya brothers and sisters... can we get an a-men?... can we get an a-women?... can we get Robin Williams to play the preacher?... somebody save me from this path of self-destruction at other hands... but are we afraid of, really?...

ah, but when the magic becomes real you know there is no better way to feel and everything has so much more appeal in love when the magic becomes real... and all you have to do is take the greatest leap of faith, not to heaven above but into someone else's arms... and all you need to do is overcome all fear and shame, to trust unconditionally as you did as an infant charms... can you trust your heart that much at this advanced stage of life when so many wrongs have hit you that will never be made right... can you wash away the past and dissolve all the pain, can you resurrect your heart to trust true love once again...

hey, there's a lot of rhyming going on here tonight, ya know?... I can almost hear Mickey Rooney in the background yelling let's put on a show... and I've certainly watched too many old movies, dontcha know... but some things, like these dreams, are just too good to let go... and Alice Cooper sang I'm not in love... so don't forget it... it's just a silly phase I'm going through... and Chris Isaak sang I don't want to fall in love... and the library could open up with so many self-preservation songs that fool the heart into believing that defense and closing down is the best choice... no no no, it can't be - they can't take that away from me...

in those moments between sleep and awake where we still remember dreaming, that's where I'll be waiting... that's where I'll always love you...

did I say this was going to be a brief entry?...

:)