Intuition's Restitution (The Summary Court Is In Session)

Yeah, so what's that supposed to mean we all ask in unison riding musical unicycles singing multi-part harmony, I mean, doesn't everybody? Well, if we understand it as it was processed through the thought processor, it means we are here again in this seemingly never ending babbling blog to add another entry that contains, at the very least, a summary of the day that was when this entry was written expounded and extrapolated for worthiness of this babbling blog as only the babbler can because here in this advances stage of RealTime(TM) where time and space have become relative even beyond how Einstein predicted, we follow the following adage as the process is infinitely multilayered and we haven't even gotten into parenthetic asides so hang on to your cranial capacitors if you intend to stick around for the ride has only just begun.

Those who can do, those who can't don't.

That was the following adage we follow, ya follow? So anyway, these times of busy work without pay as the unemployment continues to continue and during moments of deep fatigue I sometimes feel (sometimes I feel, yeah) myself sliding into a sadness (where I was the night I wrote the entry that become this one) in spite of staying very busy. Alas, maybe I will explore it later (are we on the edge of our seats yet?). Of course the truth comes out sometimes, anyway. What do you do when you want more and someone's guilt makes them give you less when you let them know you want more but they say they love you and they say they want to give you what you want? Family is such a strange animal.

Or something like that.

For the moment, there is a well intended roadblock in my mind and a series of multi-colored emergency lights (or are those holiday lights?... Marry happy Every Holiday, just in case) that are well-intentionally trying to blind me along with a mediocre cacophony of sirens well-intentionally trying to reduce me to rubble and all I want to do is lay down and give in to giving up but I just don't know how so all I want to do is dance or more accurately cuddle (but we could make love first as you wish). How's that for a manly depressive mood? Stop laughing, it's not funny lol lam (so why am I laughing... old Jewish inflection optional). I am such a lost cause, alas, no wonder nobody understand me or wants to stay close, the madness must scare everyone away. Alone again, naturally.

I do busy work to keep from falling down
I do busy work to placate the clown
it's the busy work that keeps me alive
the distraction that fools me to survive

Laughter is my best friend
I've given up on my fears
No reason to pretend
I've wasted all these years
Laughter is all I need
Worry's a waste of time
Even when I must bleed
as long as the words rhyme
I can laugh at all my fears
and see rainbows through my tears
simple as it seems
amidst broken dreams
this magic appears
whether wise or just insane
it makes sense within my brain
so it is as real as I feel
(no big deal)
I can laugh at all my fears
and see rainbows through my tears

I do silly things to keep from getting down
I do busy work to undermine the frown
it's the busy work that keeps me alive
the distraction that fools me to survive

and laughter is still my best friend
I will not empower my fears
There is no reason to pretend
that I've wasted all these years
You see laughter is really all I need
For worry is a waste of time
Even when I cry or bleed
as long as the words rhyme
I can laugh at all my fears
and see rainbows through my tears

yes, as simple as it seems
lost amidst my broken dreams
this magic still appears
whether wise or insane
it makes sense within my brain
so it is as real as I feel
(and a big deal)
I can still laugh at all my fears
and see rainbows through my tears

I do anything to keep from wearing down
I do busy work to smile all over town
it's the busy work that keeps me alive
the distraction that fools me to survive

it is as simple as it appears
and still works after all these years
just a choice to follow through
anyone can do

and I can laugh at all my fears
and still see rainbows through my tears

We hope you've enjoyed the entertainent while waiting for the Symmary Court to start. The judge and jury have been getting fitted for their dress robes and straight jackets and they should be filing in any minute now. While we are waiting, here, maybe this will help (an extrapolation from today's brief {slightly edited, as usual} entry):

Today was a busy day from wake up before sunrise through just getting home after midnight. Sodtball tomorrow and after two days of painting (and doing other things including stuffing my face with food) this body can use some serious sleep, but first, let's provide the dirt, drama, and details you long to lavish me with praise about, or something like that... hey, I am working with a handicap here, work with me... don't be sad, one out of three ain't bad, just very lonely).

I spent the morning writing to an old internet friend (impulsively after inadvertently finding myself on her old blog {not updated in more than three years} as I see another potential twin in her as this demonstrates {it would make a lot more sense in context, but we'll get to that eventually} ever so well:

Same: 3, 4, 5, 6, 13, 17, 20, 22, 24, 25, 27, 34, 39, 42, 43, 47, 48, 49, 50.
Close Enough: 7, 18, 21, 23, 35, 36, 38, 40, 41, 46
Reason to Smile: 8, 9, 11, 14, 15, 16, 26, 44, 45
Reason to Tear/Hug: 12, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 37

see this link for more) as I woke before sunrise and responded to a dozen or so of her old entries (more linkage to the amazing outpouring of emotion and wit follow).

Then it was off to Tinman's new home to paint (and buy gifts as he needed a few things to continue painting and is low on cash) and Harpo did the trim and clean-up and while I did the main walls and Tinman did a little of everything while occupying his 4 year old daughter who was adjusting to having two homes. There is a small garage apartment (made smaller by a full sized kitchen counter) that needs work but Tinman would rent it to me as is... we'd need to negotiate a price though because I am not going to want to stay there once I get a job unless it's a real bargain. Another friend might be interested when he lease runs out in the summer, so it is a temporary option unless The Maharaja work out a fair deal for here for a few months (and I intend to talk with him about that this week).

Then I went to pick up Helen for dinner at the Crazy Buffet (yes, a buffet again so rededicating myself to a serious healthy weight loss plan after this weekend is an absolute top priority as I am not sure if the louder tinnitus, the louder pulse, and the higher blood pressures is more due to diet or the change in medications so I must evaluate that after a week or more of healthy weight loss eating) and I was going to change at her place but she was feeding the cats and they'd hide and not eat if I walked in because they don't come out around people so I changed behind the car behind a strip mall not far from her house and cleaned out the front seat which was full of stuff and a mess and it is time to clean out the back seat and whole car which I have not sone since moving, not to mention wash the car and get the oil changed, but that's another story).

Then it was off to cards with Curly, Excel, and The Commodore at the latter's place (and I remained stuffed so I did not eat there and good thing because they finished the lasagna, but then, they knew I was going to be stuffed so they just ate more than they usually do... alas, I wish they were not so obese and continuing to gain, it is so unhealthy for them {at least two of their A1Cs are up over 11}, but that is their choice and that too is another story... the best I can do is be a good influence by doing the right thing for myself and showing them there is a way to improve health if they want to - and not fall into their eating habits while I am there).

Then is was back to The Maharaja's place where he is busy welcoming another guest (maybe a new friend for me too... and where and when I should have showered given the proclivity this body has to fungal infections lately, a proclivity that increases when I stuff my face with food {especially Chinese buffet because it's so high in sugar and salt and mushrooms that I love} which I did for three days in a row, but noooo, I was tired so I sat down and wrote a few more comments to that old internet friend's old blog entries I mentioned earlier and then met The Maharaja's friend and talked a few minutes of introductory talk {she's a lawyer going to work for a pro bono firm and that is a wonderful thing that brightened my night} and I wrote and uploaded the briefer version of this entry in the current dirt, drama, and details blog from whence this summary of the day came before it was bloated with more detail and rambling parenthetic asides in the current babbling blog and then even more here). Turns out she is moving to Orlando, which is a surprise for him and I wonder how that will effect my staying here. They are chatting in the living room. Positive thoughts please (The mind is not cooperating with that request tonight, but it was such a fun day). Fatigue.

Finally, here at the computer to ramble on and check email (I stayed away from Facebook tonight but I insert this parentheses to note that much time has been spent there recently as briefly noted here (and here and the current Facebook summary page too:

Much time is being spent on Facebook (long live Bugs Webbot lol), I am still balancing hope with despair and reading all sorts of interesting stuff in spite of politics (and keeping my sense of humors alive and well) and even adding music back to the mix which is always one of the best signs of positive life for me.

just in case you ever want to find out more about me and the things I read and life I live and person and personality behind all these words from a few dozen other angles in another forum and all these other blogs are just not enough for you lol... sometimes it's just the chance to see photos or videos, aye?) and I just sent out two more job applications tonight as I checked email when I got home and found more opportunities. I received another rejection email, sigh. All in all a wonderfull busy and mostly fun day, but getting extremely low on the energy and happy-happy-joy-joy scales (and when both are low, it's a hard knocks life, aye gov'na?... nothing to say, but it's ok... la la la). In case it matters (current brief daily blog) and you want more dirt, drama, and details (extended edition current daily blog) than you already get, ya know? :)

Keeping busy, keeping up appearances, wonderul fun until I am alone again, naturally, when the lonelies and sorrows and longings and potential empty tomorrows slid into the consciousness becase fatigue is high (as I may have said a few dozen times, but it's a constant reminder that I am far from as down as I might feel or appear overall because that can only be judged after recover rest and usually I am still the ecstatic to be alive little kid in those moments so... get some dobblifuggit rest, dangit! lol lam).

Tomorrow, tomorrow... I love ya and hope you are smiling :)

Narf :)

I coulda been somebody, yeah, I coulda been a contender. Sometimes I let the music sing to me. Sometimes I let the music speak for me. Sometimes I let the music play off key. Just to see if anyone is listening. Just to see if anyone hears. Just to see if anyone is missing it. Just to see if anyone cares. When that hard rain finally falls. When I don't want to be alone. I know I've given my all. Yet I am still on my own. I have no more to give yet I keep giving. I have no will to live yet I keep living. I have no will to care yet I keep caring. I have nothing to share - yet am I shared? Is anyone there, is anyone hearing? Don't let the su-u-un go down on me. Wondering if it's wasted time. Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now it looks as though they're here to stay. Someone save my life tonight. Before we get too deep.

What does it mean to be a BFF
I don't think I understand
the word friend is defined so differently
by most people I meet today

You don't want to know (not really), no one wants to know (not really), everyone just get on with your lives without me and no worries for the time being here... no worries for the time being here... it doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right, but where do I belong?

Chrorus:
You don't want to know (no no no, not really),
no one wants to know (no no no, not really),
everyone just get on with your lives without me
and no worries for the time being here...
no worries for the time being here

Will I die alone tonight?
Lonely are these words I write
Will anyone understand
Will someone take my hand

I feel like I am lost in the mall of life
everyone is rushing so hard so fast
silence can cut through me like a knife
wonder, will a moment ever last?Chrorus:
You don't want to know (no no no, not really),
no one wants to know (no no no, not really),
everyone just get on with your lives without me
and no worries for the time being here...
no worries for the time being here

Can you hear my heart beating?
The drum pounds me through the ground
Does no one know where to find me?
Buried in the lost and found
Can you hear the sirens coming?
Moments before I expire
No one left who will remind me
Toss a log upon the fire
celebrate the pyreChrorus:
You don't want to know (no no no, not really),
no one wants to know (no no no, not really),
everyone just get on with your lives without me
and no worries for the time being here...
no worries for the time being here

Silence screams out from the darkness
like a cancer calls my name
blinded by this empty feeling
going numb from too much pain
nobody's to blame
I've gone insane
Maybe sing the chorus once again (ha ha ha ha) and so it goes, and so it goes... and now nobody wants to know so now nobody even knows. So sad, sometimes it feels so sad. And it's a sad sad situation. Nobody noticed (or nobody wants to know). That's life. And 'round here, life ain't no bowl of cherries in spite of the buffet life three night in a row.

Can we please stop now? (the buffet life, at least for a week of few)

What does it mean to be a BFF
I don't think I understand
the word friend is defined so differently
by most people I meet today

Someone who calls me a BFF
lives just twenty miles away
but we hardly even talk anymore
and I don't know what to say
I just see her drifting away
so sad to just drift away

Meanwhile, the fountain of sorrow plays me to sleep (or is it reggae pasta, mon? and I fight through it to write another line (in case it matters... I mean, it matters to somebody, right?... I mean, it's gotta matter to somebody somehow someday... sigh) and while there is so much more to come (there's always hope, right?... I mean, I hope there's always hope so there must be hope, always, cuz it just makes sense that way, right?), I shall pause this entry and leave you with this...

Pon a belly full or pon a belly empty the youths dem starving
Pon a bad day or pon a bad night the youths dem under warning
Rubbing dem eyes fi check delusion inna morning
Dem wonder weh dem at, wonder who dem a, wonder who dem callin
Dem a di future see dem running outta time
Dem want fi find an answer inna crime
Nah wanna be caught up, wanna be set up and rewind
We seek redemption gate fi my generation mind

And I wonder where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long
And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown
Again I wonduh where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long
And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown

Me say everybody come fi get a permission fi demand it
Nobody nah think about if dem absolutely want it
A better man know say whether man know say – love it or despise it
Mostly we will never overstand or recognize it
I'd love to hear dem apology fi bitin'
Every part of me, every bone of me, every single chance I see
Holy pa trouble comin' back and make we sad
Sometimes life gwaan mad

And I wonder where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long
And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown
Again I wonduh where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long

And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown

I a beg I a beg you to stop every rumor
From you know life you nah speak
Breakaway dem barriers and chase away fears
Burn out every possible pollution or tears
A me say I know we no want no devil around
I know we no want no devil around
I know we no want no devil around
I know we no want no devil around

And I wonder where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long
And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown
Again I wonder where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long
And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown

Pon a belly full or pon a belly empty the youths dem starving
Pon a bad day or pon a bad night the youths dem under warning
Rubbing dem eyes fi check delusion inna morning
Dem wonder weh dem at, wonder who dem a, wonder who dem callin
Dem a di future see dem running outta time
Dem want fi find an answer inna crime
Nah wanna be caught up, wanna be set up and rewind
We seek redemption gate fi my generation mind

which would have been quite enough had I not decided to return after a modicum of rest (not enough) to enhance the pre-existing condition (yes, you have been there before) into this slightly massive missive rendering the previous incarnation a mere child's toy for all you babbling afficianados out there (is anybody still out there?) who simply cannot get enough word play (used to know a few).

The softball season is almost over, alas, with two of my three leagues done. We finished in third place (out of four teams with two teams at 7-2 and two teams at 3-6 and 2-7 respectively, an unfair imbalanced league we hope will improve next season as it is not fun to play against teams who are so good they toy with other teams which amounts to half the games being not fun) on Friday nights.

We finished third place on Sundays (after starting 1-3 thanks to key people not showing up for critical games against teams that finished 13-1 and 11-3, two teams that accounted for three of our four loses) and finishing 9-1 for the last nine for an overall 14-4 record. We averaged scoring 13 runs a game and averaged giving up 7 runs a game, but that includes at least a half dozen games where I deliberately pitched meatballs for the last inning or two because we had a huge lead and I had control of the other team's hitters and felt my defense was confident behind me. I don't like completely shutting down teams because it is supposed to be a fun league and I know it is no fun for a team to get completely shut down so I give them a chance to hit when we have a big lead. That also gives my defense practice they would not get in a complete shut down game. We have the best infield defense in the league by far when they are on and confident. Outfield can use some work.

Hopefully the team will show up to the critical games next season because next season's finish determins the World Series berths (Portland, next year) and only the first and second place teams make it. I will go anyway with one of the two teams that make it, but it would be nice if my team took it seriously because we can make it if we do. We did finished highest of any local teams in this year's World Series in Austin.

Monday night has two weeks left and we play a team we are tied with for fourth this week and a team we are a half game behind (at the moment) next week which determines if we make the playoffs. Monday night has three teams that don't belong, two way too good (one who will not lose a game and the other who's only loses come to the first team who are too good to lose a game) and one that won't win a game this season. At least we finish the season playing the two other teams with whom we are evening matched. Those are fun games, but six out of ten games are not so the league needs to get that right.

Guess I will start making a point to wake up Saturday mornings and travel way across town to play with the seniors from now on. I wonder if they are playing next Saturday give it's Thanksgiving weekend. I shall check when I see some of them tomorrow night as they play on another field at the same complex where I play on Monday nights.

So now you have a fairly comprehensive summary of at least one and a half days and the current softball season with two leagues done and one to go mixed with rhyming entertainment and a whole lotta song references (and how many did you get?). What else would you like to know? Come on, this is supposed to be an interactive process, after all.



When we spend months without looking at the sky
Of the great and of the eternal we lose.
When we stop looking at each other's eyes
We are unable to understand ourselves.

When the mirror shows us the defects
And we try to fix ourselves, we get damaged.
When the load weighs on our back
Under our creations we fall.

Someday, I hope not too far away,
We will hold hands and we will love each other.
We will learn.

When fear governs our decisions
We are clouded options, we blind.

When this game of greed and money
Is overflowing in the desire, we sell.
When hatred becomes part of the discourse
We forget that before God we are equal.

When suffering suffices
Only then, my life, will we change.

Someday, I hope not too far away,
We will hold hands and we will love each other.
We will learn.
I relate to this so much, I ignore it.

Nite Nite... Narf :)