slammed by the lab
yup, the lack of exercise, degererate eating habits, years, and apparently genes are combining to lead me to reevaluate my immortality and more, re-estimate my life span... I may go any moment more at this moment than any moment before because the bug has been placed in my brain by modern medicine and that bug is aligned with doubt and has a firm base of depression demanding I dive in (but I just stick my tongue out and and fart in it's general direction as I float on aimlessly as I've been doing for years now)...
I'll explore the results of the labwork in another entry where such matters are tracked and pondered and give the time and reverence they deserve (more or less) when I have time to think... for now, lets say I started again today... that means new mindset and reconnect with determination and will power and self-love and for at least the past 16 hours, relative fasting (relative being, at least from a normal medical nutritional perspective, a ridiculously low caloric intake supplimented by vitamins and possibly {if I pick some up} protien and other suppliments)...
now I just need to remember to get some sleep so the sleep deprivation demons don't come along and strip my will power of any reason or rhyme (or sense) and convince me to forget everything I've ever known about how to live optimally in this body...
and...
resist the constant (now potentially deadly) influence of those immediately around me...
meanwhile, at work the end-of-month came and went and the reports will go out tomorrow... at home, I nodded off a bit, watched American Idol and then the Texas - Texas A&M game to see two of the best college basketball players in the country and they lived up to their billing... and then, here I am...
thought might happen tomorrow, maybe, or this weekend, maybe, but I kind of doubt it... maybe in a few weeks, maybe... and the chorus of who cares dances through the forests and glades of my brain and every brain cell naps or silently goes along their la-la ways... am I ready to die?... as ready as I've ever been and for better or worse, I've always been ready as life has been a momentary journey for me most of the time... we shall see if I continue to slide or do something...
no worries, the motivational speeches, infinite hope, and insatiable hungers will continue to pour out here and there on the internet for the lucky few who stumble upon them... at least as long as I can still press the keys in some linguistically logical order... I suppose I should designate someone to write a post humous (or post incapacitating stoke) entry in all my writing worlds, aye?...
yeah, like I said to my doc today when she told me that if I do not go to the specialists she wants me to go to and have the tests she wants me to have, she will (because her lawyers tell her she must) give me an AMA (against medical advice) form to sign and take home and discuss with my family and have them sign, there is no one to sign such a form...
I'll be going to a gastroenterologist one of these days... she's (the doc) been on and off about me going for the last few years... unfortunately, the new parent company I work for has new rip-off health insurance that not only takes almost a hundred bucks a month (I know, that's really cheap compared to most), but wants me to pay 20 - 50% of any major (re: expensive) tests done... so is the wallet alone enough reason to drop the weight to see if the lab values go down?... that question is about as rhetorical as the next statement... and we wonder how grown people end up on the street for their retirement years...
I realized today that I go to the doctor more regularly than most because she cares about me more than anyone I know and interact with in the physical world on any regular basis... sad that I have come to a point in this life where I must pay for that, but it's always better for me to face the reality of a situation...
next appointment is mid-April and we shall see...
so much for brief :)
I'll explore the results of the labwork in another entry where such matters are tracked and pondered and give the time and reverence they deserve (more or less) when I have time to think... for now, lets say I started again today... that means new mindset and reconnect with determination and will power and self-love and for at least the past 16 hours, relative fasting (relative being, at least from a normal medical nutritional perspective, a ridiculously low caloric intake supplimented by vitamins and possibly {if I pick some up} protien and other suppliments)...
now I just need to remember to get some sleep so the sleep deprivation demons don't come along and strip my will power of any reason or rhyme (or sense) and convince me to forget everything I've ever known about how to live optimally in this body...
and...
resist the constant (now potentially deadly) influence of those immediately around me...
meanwhile, at work the end-of-month came and went and the reports will go out tomorrow... at home, I nodded off a bit, watched American Idol and then the Texas - Texas A&M game to see two of the best college basketball players in the country and they lived up to their billing... and then, here I am...
thought might happen tomorrow, maybe, or this weekend, maybe, but I kind of doubt it... maybe in a few weeks, maybe... and the chorus of who cares dances through the forests and glades of my brain and every brain cell naps or silently goes along their la-la ways... am I ready to die?... as ready as I've ever been and for better or worse, I've always been ready as life has been a momentary journey for me most of the time... we shall see if I continue to slide or do something...
no worries, the motivational speeches, infinite hope, and insatiable hungers will continue to pour out here and there on the internet for the lucky few who stumble upon them... at least as long as I can still press the keys in some linguistically logical order... I suppose I should designate someone to write a post humous (or post incapacitating stoke) entry in all my writing worlds, aye?...
yeah, like I said to my doc today when she told me that if I do not go to the specialists she wants me to go to and have the tests she wants me to have, she will (because her lawyers tell her she must) give me an AMA (against medical advice) form to sign and take home and discuss with my family and have them sign, there is no one to sign such a form...
I'll be going to a gastroenterologist one of these days... she's (the doc) been on and off about me going for the last few years... unfortunately, the new parent company I work for has new rip-off health insurance that not only takes almost a hundred bucks a month (I know, that's really cheap compared to most), but wants me to pay 20 - 50% of any major (re: expensive) tests done... so is the wallet alone enough reason to drop the weight to see if the lab values go down?... that question is about as rhetorical as the next statement... and we wonder how grown people end up on the street for their retirement years...
I realized today that I go to the doctor more regularly than most because she cares about me more than anyone I know and interact with in the physical world on any regular basis... sad that I have come to a point in this life where I must pay for that, but it's always better for me to face the reality of a situation...
next appointment is mid-April and we shall see...
so much for brief :)
Labels: alas, babble, choices, doh, duh, excess, food, health, hope, life, loneliness, missing, mostly dead, mtmm, ouch, real, sigh, sloth, TV, work
posted by candoor at 11:51 PM
5 Comments:
I came here tonight to thank you for your message both text and at my blog, and I find a broken heart to read not only of the lab results that I shudder to even imagine (if your doctor had that kind of reaction to them) but also of your seeming lack of motivation to really love yourself enough to want to change. *sigh
(Ask z how much sighing I am doing these days.)
Being okay is so relative, isn't it?
I can only offer words of encouragement to you and tell you that there really are people who care about you and do care what happens to you and don't want to see you suffer the effects of the neglect. I told you once a long time ago that not everyone disappears. Well, it's still true.
*sigh
And all of a sudden I find the lyrics of that song running through my head right now...was it the 80s? "What are words for, when no one's listening, what are words for, when no one's listening, there's no use talking at all..."
So all we can do is love and give and hope it makes a difference in someone's life, that healing and happiness are not merely for wishing and hoping but for creating and making happen. And thus I find that even here in this moment of sadness over your post, I find that even here, love burns brightly, maybe even more so than in the joy and the beauty, because this is where it is so so desperately needed.
You are one of the good guys, one of the best guys...and the best guys are the ones who seemingly live day in and day out without recognition, quietly and humbly making their miracles happen in the lives of others in the name of love. Thank you, thank you for being a good guy. Thank you for just being you.
Love, peace, hugs, and healthier habits and days be with you.
:)
YAY YOU! :)
and thank you...
I am listening :)
PS...
I know there was the sad thud of shoes dropping throughout this post (however vague and distant), but I should have noticed the entry ended on a note that might defy the smiles throughout... focus here:
no worries, the motivational speeches, infinite hope, and insatiable hungers will continue to pour out here and there on the internet for the lucky few who stumble upon them... at least as long as I can still press the keys in some linguistically logical order... I suppose I should designate someone to write a post humous (or post incapacitating stoke) entry in all my writing worlds, aye?...
as I laugh at the seriousness of life and death and remember the words I left for you at your place just after I wrote the entry above are closer to the core than any whiney self-pity moments... life is sad in many ways, and sigh and oh well and that's life is the best we can do for those moments when the sad gets all too big and real and final, but those moments are not where I live (or die)...
hopefully that makes sense to you too...
thank you for the caring, the acknowledgement, the appreciation, and the nurturing words... they (your words) mean love and love is definitely in too short a supply these days (everywhere) and comes very shallow for me personally in the offline world...
fret not long, sigh well, and remember to bounce :)
dood, pray for stroke early rather than a long life of someone else having to wipe your ass for you.
now keep injecting melted chocolate straight into your veins and fuck the medical fear machine.
i'd rather pay for whores than doctor:z!
stroke early could mean a long lift vegetating even more than I'm vegetating now (and requiring the hands on care of some stranger in some home... I think I need to have a dentist install a cyanide tooth when I ponder that possibility)...
I shall be fasting the month of March and if I am still alive in April, you can wish me another happy birthday :)
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