and then, there was another day

meanwhile, in all the hubbub and excitement of the tale of the social life summary last night as i was nodding off, i neglected to mention work went fine and i almost got a little of my own work done, but i did start late (10ish) and leave early (3ish) and had a conference call with corporate for much of the afternoon… all is well, relative autonomy is wonderful… another left out portion of yesterday was that i had to take a detour to get to the theatre so i arrived way early bypassing the area where all the restaurants are located and after driving around the theatre for almost an hour in ever widening concentric circles, i discovered there is only one place to eat near the theatre and that is Buca de Beppo right across the street which i ruled out because i did not know they started serving meals for individuals… if you do not know the place, they are known for serving family-style platters of food that people share… but as i pulled up to park at the theatre i found another guy had shown up early and was intending to head to Buca to eat so we shared veal and ravioli's and fettuccini alfredo and yum yum and then we went to meet everybody else for the movie, which is about where where last night's entry began…

oh yeah, i also forget to mention that i went to an orthopedic surgeon yesterday morning before work and he cut my leg off at the hip…

some of you may be wondering just how it was possible to get an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon on a moment's notice at 9am on a Friday morning, well, never underestimate the negotiating skills of a hospital director type person in majorly serious pain… i begged… ultimately, they were happy to take my money…

and my leg…

ok, so i am mostly kidding… i got lucky that the doc would squeeze me in before his daily rush arrived and as most of you probably guessed, the doctor did not really cut off my leg at the hip…

he cut it off at mid-thigh…

ok, i'll stop… he told me to ice it three times a day, rest as much as possible (like stay off my feet?... how does one to do?), and start stretching gradually after a week or so… i asked him if cutting it off and putting it in the freezer for a week would work better and we shared a laugh, but he said no… he explained how muscles bleed when they are torn so a hematoma might develop and could be really big, but i shouldn't worry unless the pain gets worse cuz it's all part of the healing process of muscles… he also explained that any pain pills or anti-inflammatory drugs would make it bleed more, so none of that wussy stuff for the first few days… take it like a man, grin and bear it, rah rah rah...

i know most of this from my experience in emergency rooms and hospitals throughout my career… and i never believed pain pills were logical or wise, most of the time anyway, most especially for muscle pain, cuz the pain pills fool you into thinking you can move and you're likely to do more damage… pain is there to encourage limited movement cuz that is how muscles heal, especially in the first few days…

i've never had a muscle tear or pull before though… guess i'm lucky, i've always been athletic and flexible, especially my legs… i am being taught a lesson that i should be exercising and stretching more regularly now that i am actually playing organized sports a couple of times a week… dumb lazy bloated mindset must go… all by myself, alas, since nobody in the immediate vicinity of personal life has any interest in movement… of course having just two people in this vicinity doesn't help… but then, how many people do most people have in their daily personal home intimate spaces?...

and then i went to work… work went by quickly and sitting was a pain, pressure on the back of the thigh was not fun… as was standing up again, but then, walking wasn't much better… it's amazing how much we use hamstring muscles in the course of a day… i worked on the behavioral data report that is usually done in the first week of the month (what day is it now?) but was delayed due to the Joint Commission visit… i also worked on the new corporate data reports that we were going to review at the conference call… and then the conference call… and then, week over, go out to play and now, we are all caught up on yesterday…

was it good for you too?...

yeah, i know, it's amazing i still have a tongue in my mouth what with the amount of time it spends in my cheek, between teeth and all… you'd think i'd have inadvertently bitten it off by now… so how is life at your end of the internet?... i shall wander over to your words and see… make this a wonderful weekend no matter the challenges or hardships or whatever cuz you've got the power… use it for good, m'ok?...

ouchie

for the first time in my hundred thousand years of this physical lives, i heard (and felt) the pop of a muscle that would not quite go where the brain told it to go... left hamstring, partial tear i reckon, cuz i can still walk and breathe without dying from pain... bummer of much regard, what with my commitments to two leagues to pitch... i knew i should have gone on the juice... a sorrowful aside to the ridiculous mockery of justice and our attention spans (not to mention our tax dollars) that congress is giving us lately... we're fucking at war in Iraq and they are debating with a drug dealer and pitcher over what may or may not have happened in a locker room in 1999... anything to get their ugly greedy manipulative faces on TV... it's sickening...

there is definitely some serious pain firing through the back of the left thigh whenever i move certain ways and i haven't quite figured out how to go through life without moving those certain ways, partly cuz i keep finding new certain ways of inciting more nerve endings to scream much louder than the constant companion, tinitus, ever dared... shit, pitching this Sunday might be quite a chore... in fact, walkiing this Sunday might be a miracle... but then, it's not like i'm asking to walk on water or anything... much...

the saddest thing of all is that i have no nurse... nobody in this life nearby cares enough to nurse me at a moment like this, so i drag myself about with a heave and sigh, heavy on both, feeling so very all alone in this physical life... somewhere in the back of my mind some doctor is telling me to ice it, to wrap it and ice it to reduce the swelling and then keep it warm and rest and stay off the leg for a few days and do you think i'm listening?... about as much as i listen to the same doctor telling me to stop eating that extra portion of some fattening stuff because the extra pounds are driving the blood pressure up and i really should consider starting to take the medicine again in spite of the cynicism about the modern medical profession... did i mention the doctor in my head is a witch doctor?...

stop laughing, it's the saddest thing of all, after all...

no really, it is very very sad... to be so very all alone at moments like these... and to know that the reckless child inside is gonna say fuckit, just do it, when the moment comes to take the ball and try to pitch... cuz there's nobody to sit and heal with and i'm tired of sitting around waiting for someone to come around to care and share all that cathartic wildness and quiet times too... i'm not going back to the vegetable life just cuz i've only got one leg... i can still hop, dammit!...

someone must be laughing now, though it don't seem funny somehow... yeah, old Harry lyrics... somebody must know what in the hell i am talking about in all my seemingly aimless rambles and apparently random asides... so much is not as random as it may seem, but stop all that lamenting because it's really not good for healing, at all... and healing fast is what i must do before the depression sets in and turns me back into a dying couch swan looking at social security like it's some sort of birthday party... fuck it hurts... look, i'm even using descriptive language to express myself for a change...

actually, i think there might be a certain numbness settling in... though i've thought that several times earlier tonight and it was just faux numbness, the legg was just playing possum, cuz all of a sudden i found one of those certain ways to move and the stars were spinning around like in cartoons after anvils fall on heads... except the stars were burning into the back of my leg, in this case... i still love stars though, it's not their fault they fit so well into this metaphor...

have i mentioned lately how much i adore Melissa Etheridge?... i wish she was my sister, or maybe she'd be a good nurse... i'm enjoying more music, in between gasps of shock that follow the sudden re-awareness of the injury i keep trying to forget... those dang certain ways... there are way too many of them... and i got another hit tonight too... legged out a pop up over the pitcher's head... that's not what did the hammy in... what popped the hammy was the overwork i put both hammies through by having to walk and bend for every return through from the would-be catcher combined with the chilly night combined with fatigue combined with being run down and just plain sick (pneumonia is knocking on one of my lungs, at least) combined with a lack of regular exercise (running, gym, sex, and so on) and most of all, the soft pop up that was almost caught by the pitcher that the player (who just happened to be the catcher who worked me over by not catching or throwing the ball) hit after i got to first that had be start to second, stop short, then bolt to second again after the pitcher did not catch the soft pop... it was just as i started that second bolt that the hammy went pop... weird feeling... sucked to be me...

also sucks that this laptop will not burn CDs as i keep putting music together in my head (and in my ears) that i would like to burn and further, iTunes is a pain in the proprietary ass (much like microsoft) as converting files back from the better sounding apple lossless to mp3 so i can upload them to the web on a playlist or my site takes a reseting of preferences and folders and really way more work than it should so eventually i'm just gonna re-import all the cds as mp3s for convenience and that'll lead me to need another mybook even faster, but s'ok, cuz it'll be better sound and more convenience... when i have the time...

i could really find so much to bitch about tonight if i wanted to... cuz that's what happens when a human pulls a hamstring, much bitching about everything... especially when the new more active life was just getting off the ground and every good sense screams stop right there and take a couple of weeks off in bed, or at least doing next to nothing cuz even driving (with a clutch) will add undo stress to the muscle and further exacerbate the injury... damn witch doctor... shoulda never sent the boy to school, ma...

now, of course (well, it's of course in my brain anyway), i do not want to lay down and sleep because i suspect i might not rise to a standing position too easily tomorrow and i've already taken two days off this week to let the lungs fight off the little buggers and i have an important conference call tomorrow...

more further concurrent suckage is that i don't even have a doctor anymore... after all the money a half dozen doctors made off my insurance companies the past few years, none of them want to see me anymore and they are even sending me bills as if they suddenly, after all these years, started charging more than my insurance company will pay... it's probably Blue Cross trying to deny claims too as they are so apt to do... so i searched for new local doctors and tomorrow i may call a few in the morning... and maybe i'll call the old doctors to ask them what the fuck gives with these bills over and above what insurance pays that they never sent me while i was seeing them every few months... i'm ready to become a crotchety old hermit who doesn't trust doctors, banks, or anything humans do or touch... or maybe that's a stray dog, but anyway, it should not be early as funny as it all seems to me and my shadow...

but then, we're raping children for oil and still laughing about it in high places, so maybe we simply get what we deserve for our apathy and selfishness and fear... remember, the terrorists are coming... not to mention all that other stuff neatly tucked away in so many different corners of the blogmind… so tuck and nibble (or duck and cover, if you have no imagination left… you could always get it wrong and still enjoy it cuz, after all, everything is news and entertainment in our modern pop culture)… i refuse to give in to fear cuz i promised myself this year and i feel like i owe it to someone…

but that's not why i don't cut my hair, you know… well, you oughta know cuz i've mentioned it enough… i'm waiting for someone to play with it and create something from it (or something like that)… which is about as meaningful in the grand scheme of things in this culture as the last bomb dropped on some Cambodian village when we were supposed to be helping the people of Vietnam… wait, did i mean Iran and Iraq?... crafty terrorists, never know where they'll pop up next to give us a self-righteous excuse to plunder and pillage in the name of god as so many fallen empires have done before… might as well be playing bop a mole…

it's not as if these amazing witticisms are shaking up the political, social, or economic landscape, but it's nice of you to notice… and pitiful as the reality of the fact is, i come here tonight instead of sleep because i have a bigger boo boo than i had last night and you are the only people i know in this whole world who care enough to take me even a little seriously… not that i am asking you to kiss my ass or anything (ok, truth now, who walked right into that one?... it wasn't planned, really, but the mind plays tricks on me and sometimes, if you are following along, well… i can only hope you find the laughter where i do…

but it really does hurt like hell (whimper, sincerely)…

scary emotions, these vulnerable moments… especially when the last hundred cds are playing at random on shuffle and the BeeGees start singing Run To Me which too perfectly leads into the past and wonderfully cathartic rainbows shine through the wells of tears that spring from eyes who remember and continue (instead of just remembering and wallowing) like Melissa Etheridge singing ?I Wanna Be In Love and the Carpenters singing Need to Be In Love and I remember the Association singing Cherish and Bread singing If as the deepest wishes of the heart rise to fly again with Be MyBaby (cuz deep down, that's what i think we all want most of all, to unconditionally trust and love so much we are somebody's baby… which is why The Waterboys flew back up to the top of my personal charts once again, albeit perhaps for a short-lived stay as i do not want to be sad, but much as Stevie Nicks' Beautiful Child remains a core song, i feel The Waterboys provided a few more, once again…



thank goodness for music or i'd truly be so very all alone so much more…

maybe i'll chance a little sleep now…

nite nite…

i think this was monday night

this entry is a response to comments from the previous entry, or Friday's entry if another entry ever gets slipped in between, and i have lots of partial entries and scribbles to upload, so might as well start with this one... a lot more eloaborating would be done right now if i wasn't such a sick puppy... so for anyone who missed this in comments, here... and for anyone not understanding the flow, see the comments to Friday's entry... and for anyone who cares, yay... and for anyone who doesn't, boo... and for now, on with the comment entry written monday night, i think...

.

i feel like crap, a head full of snot, but i'm taking two days off and Rasputin actually did some massive cleaning today not done, but major change)... so in spite of the head respiratory clog, i'm a very happy camper... excited to have a couple of sudden days off where once would have been work for others...

The Waterboys latest CD is growing on me, as their CDs usually do... my first reaction was what happened?... referring to Mike Scott's lyrics and their unique sound... but it's slowly showing through the new CD, simply because Mike Scott has a style and voice i love and the rest of The Waterboys compliment him well...

I napped after work in a somewhat less cluttered space and I just might pick up all of Precious's stuff from the living room floor and put it on the couches and vacuum the place in the morning... that'll certainly help the nose...

and now, back to importing CDs to iTunes... I am using the Apple Lossless format cuz somebody told me it;s the best for retaining sound quality in spite of the large size of the files... it seems though that the size of the files might just as well be wav files and the conversion is merely making them playable on Apple equipment only, which means i may have to re-convert them back if i want to burn CDs for playing a copy in regular CD players, but that's for later redundancy...

iTunes provides a great database, actually, just not as manipulatable as an Access database i build myself and i have not found a way to cut, paste, or print the actual data in the database, so i am increasing the redundancy factor of my musical endeavors yet again by typing in the info i want from each CD into an Access database of my own design...

much like i did once upon a time...

the weekend was beautiful in spite of the head, Saturday was rest and Sunday was trying out for a new softball league (in spite of the head) and i'm the pitcher for the new team made up of the players that nobody else wanted on their teams... a few need to learn how to catch, throw, play a position, and pay attention to the game, but otherwise it'll be much fun, hysterically amusing, in fact...

the managers thanked me for pitching as they wouldn't have had one more team in their league without me as nobody else was going to pitch for this team of rejects, but hopefully we'll come together and they'll learn something about the game and pay attention and get better and have some fun... the manager says she is a hardass taskmaster who will focus on fundamentals and work us into shape...

today i went to work after pondering calling in and after checking the schedule, i told them i was taking Tuesday and Wednesday off... i would have left early, but admissions needed help and it was new employee orientation so i stuck it out and helped out by doing an intake assessment and doing some extra orientation training (besides the stuff i usually do) and started a project for my assistant to continue cuz it's so efficient he ran out of work to do again... Thursday i'll get back to my work... i'm such a hero, huh?...

don't miss the sarcasm to much...

i'm an ambivalent, somewhat apathetic roommate as i ignore the mess my roommates make and let the space become what it is, which is definitely not what i would make of it if i cared to mold it myself... i just tired of cleaning up after them years ago and accept complacency as a fair compromise for the company and drain on my economy and negative effects on my health and family feeling i sometimes get...

hmmmm, stop me before i re-evaluate my sanity once more...

actually, i don't pay rent, i pay all utilities, including phone, caple, internet, and whatnot... it varies from $400 to $600 a month, depending on time of year and incidental expenses... rent itself went up to almost $1300 this month cuz of the waffling about moving that led to us signing a 7 month lease and Raspy covers that... i spend more on food for them than they spend on me, so there's a strange balance that somehow we accept without counting pennies as a family sometimes does... a strange arrangement, perhaps, as Mike Scott might say...

as for thinking too much, i was referring almost entirely to that post that inspired that comment and did not realize that it was not you thinking, but rather James... i think you used to think too much, but as far as i can tell, you've found a way to relieve much of the pressure you used to have in your brain in the last year or so... of course this long distance assessment may be worthless and wrong, but then, i may be right, we may be crazy, or it just may be a lunatic i'm looking at, or for, even... where's the mirror?...

i respect your journey through sesshins much more than i mention it, but then, we must keep the cynic on toes, or something like that, so bravo on the side and laughter in the middle and love all around...

yeah, i've been putting my words and music into databases for a long time, though stopped back in the nineties when i let go of the material world again, sort of... but speaking of that database, sort of, see the once upon a time link above in this comment...

yeah, the first two or three thousand or so songs i put on this 500GB MyBook i bought were ripped as mp3s by itunes... i used to use EasyCD Creator, but iTunes was already installed with a lot of music on this laptop so i just went with it... this last batch of 100+ CDs i am importing to the drive are going in as Apple Lossless, just cuz i have the 500GB luxury of storage space... i thing i evenhear the different in sound quality, but then, that could just be psychological snobbery...

yeah, mac air... someday, maybe... i do have a G4 desktop with a 21 inch monitor sitting idle a few feet away that i've simply not made time to put plug in and explore... one of these days, when i am through loading all my music to this MyBook and have the extra time... and finally buy a comfortable desk chair... and maybe a desk...

and that's what you inspired with your comments, for which i am very thankful cuz in responding to you, i smiled a lot and cleared a few cobwebs from my head...

hope it was good for you too :)

and hope your world is wonderful tonight :)

bummers and hope

ok, so I am done spending ridiculous sums on future entertainment for tonight... I added some concerts and a show to the schedule of future events I intend to attend... there'd be so many more if I had a partner in such endeavors, but alone I am less apt to spend ridiculous sums on myself alone cuz I enjoy attending entertainment much more when someone shares the experience and alone I often enjoy home video more than the crowd of strangers... the show is rent and the tickets (two... I am hopeful) are second row, however I did not realize they were second row side so I am calling ticketmaster tomorrow and seeing whether I can switch (in spit of their no exchanges policy, I'm hoping an exception can be made for an event as far off as April 2008... it's a birthday present to me... not my first choice, if I had other shows to choose from, but an excellent show)...

anyway, a bunch of tickets are still available in row six center are and I'll buy those tomorrow or Monday even if ticketmaster does not take back the two I bought tonight... the only reason I don't buy the row six tickets tonight is because their seating chart is not detailed enough to tell me what numbers are actually center numbers and I have a choice between 5-6 and 9, 10, 11, and 12... if ticketmaster can't help me tomorrow, I'll call the box office Monday and find out how many seats are across the center section... the venue is well over an hour away, but the show won't be in Orlando and these were the best seats in the area (other venues are two or more hours away and did not have any orchestra seats left...

I also picked up concert tickets for Brand New and almost picked up tickets for Tori Amos, but unfortunately she's going to be here the same night I already have tickets for Spill Canvas with Meg & Dia (and others) so I grumbled (the toughest part is she's going to be at the House of Blues as opposed to a huge auditorium, so the intimacy factor would be much more intense... besides the huge places within a three hour drive are already almost sold out and I'm not into sitting in the nosebleed seats for a concert or show) and moved along...

meanwhile, today was a bust...

I started out all excited as I drove to the computer show across town at the fair grounds... turns out the show has changed dramatically since the last time I went (last year) and it's now a flea market for all sorts of trinkets, odd ends, and basic cheap rip-off stuff that is great if you love shopping for junk and the occasional useful bargain (which I do enjoy now and then when someone shares the experience cuz then the junk becomes meaningful cuz we both want it) and just three vendors offering computer stuff at no bargain prices... and I was all psyched up to spend a few hundred on a used laptop (the last laptop I bought for $100 lasted two years and they wanted $150 for similar laptops at this show when it's definitely not worth that), but no such bargains were there... bummer...

so I drove home... feeling bummed, I caved in and went out to eat with Rasputin (spending money I should be saving for the new computer and eating stuff I should be avoiding for another week or few or at least until I start running again) mostly because Precious needed a ride home from work and there was another computer store (one of the few decent mostly cheap but reliable places in Orlando) across from where she works and I hoped I might find some memory for this old computer there (but they no longer carry SDSIMMs this old, bummer # 2) and we stopped in at Friday's for lunch...

lunch was delicious (and the service was exceptionally good) from start to finish (an triple sampler appetizer, a portabella melt, a spicy tomato soup, and scrumptious fudge covered chocolate cake a la mode for desert) and I even did not eat it all (as I usually do cuz I have the ever expanding stomach) and looked forward to a delicious second mean tonight, but that food went to the trash (bummer # 3b) shortly after I got home cuz I was sitting in the bathroom with a powerful case of food poisoning (bummer # 3a)... after a little while of wondering if death might not be a more enjoyable experience, I felt it was somewhat more likely that I was not going to die today (or explode) and dragged this dripping wet body out to the living room where I promptly fell asleep in the big green chair...

when I woke I caught up on the college football games I missed (bummer # 4, though not nearly as much of a bummer for me as today's other bummers) and came to the computer to check on the concert tickets I am supposed to have, am expecting, and must remember to pick up at will call the day of the concert (cuz I was forgetting when the will call concerts were and I suspected I was missing some tickets and it turns out I am missing the Dashboard Confessional tickets... bummer # 5... I'll call about them tomorrow)... while checking on tickets, I bought the other tickets mentioned above...

and that's when I clicked too impulsively on the Row BBB (second row) tickets and realized, after passing the no refunds, no exchanges page, that the tickets were Orchestra Left, seats 9 and 10 (and 1 starts at the side closer to the center), bummer # 6... so as I said when this entry opened, I'll call tomorrow or Monday to try to fix that or else just buy tickets in row D (6th row) center and try to sell the BBB tickets before April of next year (or else just eat the $110, which would be bummer # 7, I supposed, though it would be ridiculously optimistic to think there would be no further bummers between now and April, 2008, now that I started numbering... not that I expect to keep this number of bummers up past this entry as it's primarily a way to amuse myself and therein diffuse the bummerness of the bummers and it's working well)...

my tummy feels much better, though still queasy... I am still emotionally hungry, of course, cuz that is how this body responds to frustration (and bummers), but physically I am thinking I might not eat again until after the show (yes, I semi-jokingly mean Rent in April, 2008... yes, only semi-joking)... I am still hopeful that I might have some sort of more compatible (and intimate) partner in Orlando before the show... see, in spite of all the bummers piled into today, I am still hopeful...

it's good to be crazy :)

no plans, all juggling

sleeping past noon felt good... but then, after a bit of wandering on the web and writing, I spent most of the afternoon waiting for Rasputin to get motivated to get ready to go out because there were a ton of things to do today and I wanted to do all of them, or at least visit all of them, but the way it looks we'll get to none on time...

yesterday we went to Precious's graduation ceremony... we got there late because Rasputin's brother showed up unexpectedly and we had to call around to try to get an extra ticket at the last minute... unfortunately, almost everyone who might have had tickets, including school staff, were already at the ceremony... we got lucky and Precious's best friend was able to find his co-star from Aida who was good enough to come out of the arena to give us an extra ticket... by the time we got in there, were were in the nosebleed seats and couldn't make out faces on the arena floor, but eventually we found Precious and her friends cuz they were wearing the special garnet IB sash and stood out from all the normal gold sashes and watched her get her diploma, summa cum laude and all...

after that we waited in the parking lot for an hour until it cleared out because the campus parking lot sucks and it takes an hour to get out if you arrive late and have to park on the third level... all the restaurants were booked for two hours, so we ended up going went to dinner at a place about twenty minutes away with Raspy's mom and brother... Precious went to after-graduation parties...

on the way home we met Precious for dessert at Jeremiah's, a place that serves ice cream and italian ices... yum... and then it was home and I rambled a bit (you may have noticed) here and at myspace...

I passed up on the festivals Thursday and Friday cuz Precious's graduation came first, but had hoped to get to them today... unfortunately, we didn't get out of the house until almost 4pm... so we went to eat at the Grand Buffet instead... indulging my taste buds and comforting my lack of socializing and exercising and creative sharings with food... and it wasn't even as good as it usualy was... dangit, where's the lemonade :)

we ended up at the downtown free concert and saw The Romantics and Loverboy, two bands you might remember if you were into eighties music... fun, though tame crowd... I;m not sure what was happening at the other festival venues, Rasputin was getting a sore back from standing in one place too long and Precious was home hungry so we headed home and picked up a pizza for Precious and here I am...

ironically, some might think I had a busy weekend already... the ironic part, I think, is that I think I missed a whole lot of potential fun and creative play and energy inspiring stuff and crave more, more, more... Orlando doesn't stay up too late though, so heading out after midnight is only fruitful if going to a place to drink is the goal...

meanwhile, my code in da node is still dripping and causing some caoughing and sneezing and while going to the bathroom at the Grand Buffet, I passed a kidney stone that hurt (first one that hurt in a couple of months) and caused bleeding, so I now have blood in da urine again and with a code in da node can expect a UTI, so I took some antibiotics and will get a prescription filled and bring a urine sample to the Urologist like a good boy cuz that's what he told me to do if this happens...

V for Vendetta is on TV tonight, so maybe there's some lemonade, aye?... all kidding and irreverence aside, I hope I am in this mood when I actually die because I am so loving the diverse experiences (and pains) this body is providing and still amused by the dull drone of monotony and lethargy of the life energy around me... never felt more like an alien in this world, stranger in a strange land and all, a traveller observing and experiencing the human experience and not yet bored (or maybe just finally learning how to amuse myself with the boredom)...

it's only a matter of time before my nose bleeds...

I don't know if I'll drag myself out of what I feel are sluggish activity levels tomorrow or if I'll just give in cuz logic would suggest that the kidneys and immune system and node would benefit from some rest and there are probably basketball playoffs to distract me and I really really really must do laundry and get back to the gym, but we shall see since there are no plans, only juggling...

inappropriate new cliche of the day:

I'm having so much fun, I'm pissin' blood :)

being sick alone is no fun

but on the other hand, I am a horrible patient because I am fiercely independent, must have things my way when it comes to healing, and am repulsed by over-dramatic pity... I cringe when someone says I'm sorry when finding out I am sick because it is worse than meaningless, it is stupid... but then, I have an aversion to the word sorry based on it's generally self-pathetic meaning... sorry is a sorry word and worse way to be... but it's not considered polite to ask a person who is sorry flat out what have you got to be sorry about?... so I often smile and ask why, what did you do? and sometimes they get it... more often I simply say it's not your fault or it's nothing you did or no reason to be sorry...

anyway...

my standards for nurturing are unique... and I almost always believe I know what is best for this body because I live in it (kind of a duh to me, if you know what I mean)... of course, if I am not in touch with this body, which is the state of being for most humans I've met, then I may not be the best one to decide what is best for this body... usually I am in touch though... in fact, too much so, but that's another story...

so I was/am sick... let's backtrack... some time Sunday evening I started feeling the unpleasant symptoms of urethritis, the start of a UTI (urinary track infection), including low grade fever... being a passer of kidney stones every decade or so (though that delightful event is on the increase), I tend to be prone to UTIs... I decided not to let a little unpleasantness stop me from going to the gym though, so I put on a sweat shirt to stay warmer...

an hour on the Lifecycle later a(with, ironically, excellent times) and I felt very fatigued... and then, about an hour later, the queasiness started... the E.Coli was moving into the bladder and producing all the usual symptoms of a bladder infection... a steamy hot shower soothed the body for a while, but the water in this place does not stay hot enough for true shower therapy (I so miss that) and sleep was not easy to find (so why am I still awake at 3am tonight?... shhhh, these are the times that I do not question my brain)... concern moved from should I get an antibiotic in the morning to should I call the doctor in the morning to oh no, I hope I don't have to go to the ER tonight...

somewhere along the way I fell asleep...

the sleep was restless though, with frequent trips to the bathroom... I kept popping cranberry capsules and got up to go to work... I asked my boss for a prescription and she gave me 5 days worth of Bactrim, which I hope will be enough because my doctor's receptionist said I could not talk to my doctor... that is the single real bummer of the day because I do not want a doctor who forces me to go to the emergency room or another doctor when I have a minor emergency and that was my only alternative if I wanted my urine tested (which is the right procedure)... alas, personal trust is gone and that makes for a piss poor doctor patient relationship...

anyway, I left work at noon and got my antibiotics and while there, had my opil changed and shopped for food and then came home and took some more cranberry (I couldn't find BearBerry at the store) and felt ok enough to eat so I had the salad I got for lunch at work and a can of soup... then I vegged in the big green chair... a bit of a nap... Prison Break and 24 on the TV... then 40 minutes at the gym... I allowed myself to stop at 40 minutes cuz I am fighting E.Coli in my spare time, after all, and I did not want a repeat of last night wherein I left too little energy for the fight and the E.Coli started moving toward my kidneys...

I am feeling a bit better now, that is, no more of the call of the bathroom symptoms (except the frequent urination, which is as much due to the hourly 20 hounces of water I am consuming as the UTI)... the good news is I am finding much will power to avoid food and dropped to another couple of pounds according to the gym scale...

and the last few hours I've been all excited about my new statistical tracking software and while I still have more to learn, it's almost just what the doctor in my head ordered... ways to record the physical experience, choices, and changes this body is going through and view statistics (have I mentioned that I love statistical games enough yet?)... it's not perfect, but it's a fun new toy...

ok, so maybe it's a little fun :}

and here we are... I should get to sleep so the body can do some more healing and not relapse, especially since I only have 5 days worth of antibiotics and the usual course is 10-14 days... I may try my doctor again if there are still symptoms on day four and see if she is simply too busy to deal with this level of care or if the receptionist made a big mistake in blocking my call and suggesting I try another doctor or the ER... I think I'm going to start shopping around for another doctor cuz I'd like one that is much more into holistic and herbal medicine anyway...

hope you are finding something to smile about in your world tonight :)

kidney stones and E.Coli

the combination can make time seem to stand still... it's been a long night (this window to the world sat open waiting for words and I was somewhere else) and I am feeling better and heading out to work, pondering getting antibiotics... it seems cranberry helped a lot... I may be home early...

somehow I did an hour at the gym in the middle of it all...

no worries, life continues :}

slammed by the lab

yup, the lack of exercise, degererate eating habits, years, and apparently genes are combining to lead me to reevaluate my immortality and more, re-estimate my life span... I may go any moment more at this moment than any moment before because the bug has been placed in my brain by modern medicine and that bug is aligned with doubt and has a firm base of depression demanding I dive in (but I just stick my tongue out and and fart in it's general direction as I float on aimlessly as I've been doing for years now)...

I'll explore the results of the labwork in another entry where such matters are tracked and pondered and give the time and reverence they deserve (more or less) when I have time to think... for now, lets say I started again today... that means new mindset and reconnect with determination and will power and self-love and for at least the past 16 hours, relative fasting (relative being, at least from a normal medical nutritional perspective, a ridiculously low caloric intake supplimented by vitamins and possibly {if I pick some up} protien and other suppliments)...

now I just need to remember to get some sleep so the sleep deprivation demons don't come along and strip my will power of any reason or rhyme (or sense) and convince me to forget everything I've ever known about how to live optimally in this body...

and...

resist the constant (now potentially deadly) influence of those immediately around me...

meanwhile, at work the end-of-month came and went and the reports will go out tomorrow... at home, I nodded off a bit, watched American Idol and then the Texas - Texas A&M game to see two of the best college basketball players in the country and they lived up to their billing... and then, here I am...

thought might happen tomorrow, maybe, or this weekend, maybe, but I kind of doubt it... maybe in a few weeks, maybe... and the chorus of who cares dances through the forests and glades of my brain and every brain cell naps or silently goes along their la-la ways... am I ready to die?... as ready as I've ever been and for better or worse, I've always been ready as life has been a momentary journey for me most of the time... we shall see if I continue to slide or do something...

no worries, the motivational speeches, infinite hope, and insatiable hungers will continue to pour out here and there on the internet for the lucky few who stumble upon them... at least as long as I can still press the keys in some linguistically logical order... I suppose I should designate someone to write a post humous (or post incapacitating stoke) entry in all my writing worlds, aye?...

yeah, like I said to my doc today when she told me that if I do not go to the specialists she wants me to go to and have the tests she wants me to have, she will (because her lawyers tell her she must) give me an AMA (against medical advice) form to sign and take home and discuss with my family and have them sign, there is no one to sign such a form...

I'll be going to a gastroenterologist one of these days... she's (the doc) been on and off about me going for the last few years... unfortunately, the new parent company I work for has new rip-off health insurance that not only takes almost a hundred bucks a month (I know, that's really cheap compared to most), but wants me to pay 20 - 50% of any major (re: expensive) tests done... so is the wallet alone enough reason to drop the weight to see if the lab values go down?... that question is about as rhetorical as the next statement... and we wonder how grown people end up on the street for their retirement years...

I realized today that I go to the doctor more regularly than most because she cares about me more than anyone I know and interact with in the physical world on any regular basis... sad that I have come to a point in this life where I must pay for that, but it's always better for me to face the reality of a situation...

next appointment is mid-April and we shall see...

so much for brief :)

back to work

I fell asleep in the big green chair after eating the salad I did not eat for lunch and two veggies burgers... about four hours later (my sleep rhythm, that is sliding in and out of the deeper stages of sleep, has consistently been four hour segments throughout this life)... and a wonderful (and quite sensual) dream woke me as I touched consciousness and brought the dream into reality for a few seconds... after about an hour of enjoying breathing and being in this body (in spite of it's relatively constant semi-bloat state of late), I stretched and came out here to say hello...

hello J

everybody seems to be sick... Rasputin is still hacking on everything, not to mention licking his fingers while cooking and licking spoons while cooking and while spooning out communal foods like peanut butter, mayonnaise, and so on and almost never washing his hands... Precious has the same habits... and they wonder why they are frequently coming down with colds and flu bugs... and the people I work with closely are also sick with cold and flu symptoms (par for the course in a hospital)... my officemate was out sick today...

of course a healthy respect and awareness of the microscopic world in which bacteria, virii, and parasites thrive can also spoil some of the more fun things in life, life wild sex with strangers or even the intimate (and once quite socially acceptable) greeting of kissing a hand, a cheek, or lips... seems the Europeans have survived a long time doing that, but on the other hand, there were those plagues...

I heard it might snow around here tonight...

so I headed back to work today and was bouncing with energy... while I am not nearly as rested as I'd like to be (and my immune system is working overtime trying to keep all the winter cold and flu bugs from moving in and getting comfortable in this body, hence the recurring nagging sniffles of late), still want that extended vacation of a month or few, and did not re-kick-start my metabolism during the recent week off do with any exercise, life in this body is a big YAY (sniff sniff)...

and the best thing for me now would probably be lay down and sleep for another four or more hours, but I am feeling rested again... the body craves more exercise while the brain is in ultra-lazy mode... or is that vice-versa?... well, whichever part of me that is in ultra-lazy mode is definitely in charge of things and has been for quite some time now (ever since the 2004 hurricanes... weird, huh?)... of course my heart has been mostly sleeping (or is that mostly dead... ironically, I just deleted by mistake the most recent entry in the land of the mostly dead... sucks when I do that, especially when I don’t' have it backed up anywhere... grumbles shall follow)...

and it doesn't help that Rasputin just woke with his usual habit of sitting on the couch and farting a few times... tonight it sounded like he really should have gone to the bathroom before he came out to nod off on the couch before getting ready for work... smells like it too... luckily I found a can of vanilla floral air freshener while cleaning this week... well, not this week, actually, just last night after writing the entry here (yeah, I decided it was time to start cleaning and doing laundry the last night of my vacation so I didn't get to sleep until after 4am... that's when I wrote the entries in mostlydead... one of which I deleted... that really bugs me...

anyway, from my experience with roommates, there's always something not desirable and poor health habits are challenging to live with, but that's the nature of compromise when not wealthy enough to live in space and comfort on one's own... the pondering I've been doing about relocating next year is obviously bringing me back to paying attention to my immediate environment, which is not always a good thing...

I think I'll go get some yogurt or something now... I don't think there's any chocolate in the house... maybe I am swinging back around to a bit healthier (and more economical) eating habits again... how many times have I thought that in the past couple of years... and I just let the roller coaster roll along as it will, knowing I can do as I please and control it, but I just let the human influences of this culture (and roommates) continue to drive the bus off the cliff...

this entry is way too long for this place... and way too whiny... the oddest thing about me is I am still enjoying the moment, even as I am dang pissed off at myself for deleting an entry (it was a Valentine's entry Tim Burton would have been proud of) and nagging sniffles are crating post nasal drip and the kitchen is a germ factory (with dirty dishes in both sinks again and counters almost never wiped down) and I'm not as lonely as usual but still wish I had a partner (one with healthy habits and a will and energy level and strength on every level to actually inspire me to wake up and optimize this body and life once again cuz I don't seem interested in doing it myself at the moment and have never had a partner who would take the lead, or a mother, for that matter... not that I want a mother... I want a teammate who, at the moment, is way ahead of me because I've slide down into the bush leagues, so to speak)...

this entry is obviously destined for btc, eventually...

and so, for RealTime™ here, I say g'nite...

R & R & irreverence

yup, I actually found myself requiring some R & R today.. luckily, there was football on TV so I had the perfect excuse to lay around browsing the web and glancing up when the announcers started choking on their words...

my hamstring and calf are still sore... yes, that was one heckova cramp, strained the muscles for sure, but I don't think they are pulled...

not much babbling this weekend... maybe I'm just waiting for the fans at myspace (I've got more than 1600 now and they keep coming... it's like somebody put out a sign pointing them to my myspace... weird and egocentric and amusing all at once) and diaryland to scream and beg for more... they just don't throw underwear up on the stage like they used to, ya know?...

ah, but this every day blog remains the secret all those superficial fans don't take the time to know about... it's our little secret... isn't that special?... I'm almost excited to think somebody might stumble on in here at any moment and add his or herself to our little party... I promise he or she will only be a favorite for a few moments... you know how fickle I am... and you'll be sure to tell him or her, please, so they don't run away, right?... heck, we might even have some silent readers lurking about giggling at me right now... don't get all paranoid now (or as Kevin would say, don't be scared now... you know the movie, don't you?...

I love you, even when I am in these odd sort of irreverent moods... and I shall keep this daily report of life offline in, you know, RealTime™, going as long as I humanly can... even after my ever expanding messages in bottles in search of the one finally brings the one to my side...

that reminds me that I once titled one of my journals In Search Of Eros... one of hundreds boxed and stored about forty miles north of Niagara Falls (slowly I turn)... I wonder if I'll ever unpack, reminisce, and share all that stuff again...

in RealTime™, I mean...

so TV and food (of course, gotta eat... especially when lounging around... I am trying to be American, after all)... and web browsing and messaging at myspace... no drama today, just smiley happy people... and not just the REM kind... or was that Supertramp?... naaa, REM... sheesh, my musical memory is slipping... quick, before I forget, I know it sounds absurd, please tell me who I am... must have been that stroke I suffered at the concert last night...

hopefully you are laughing with me, or perhaps I really am losing my mind... then I'd have two essential things to be searching for... I'd probably still go chasing after the one first... perhaps that's proof I already lost it (my mind) a long time ago...

and so in conclusion, ask not what your blog can do for you, as what you can do for your blog... yeah, this is what happens sometimes when there's not a lot going on and I haven't babbled anywhere else...

you love me, even when I am in these odd sort of irreverent moods, right?... I'm gonna go now, cuz it would be reasonably sensible to start the week off with ay least five hours sleep... yes, the ate stamp is stuck on when I opened this blog window... that was three hours ago... I've been wandering around the web... I am a wanderer, after all... that is one of my web names, though it's used mostly in the fantasy sports arena... that reminds me, I haven't checked my fantasy sports teams since last year... Rasputin hasn't reminded me this season... probably because I won a football league last year without looking at the team for the last six or eight weeks of the season... he takes it more seriously than I do... I thought I was going now?...

if I keep this up I'll have an entry for behind the candoor... there, I just had to get the plug in, right?... I mean, just in case somebody stumbles by here and this daily life RealTime™ stuff is boring or too brief...

ok, enough irreverence, back to R & R... hope you had as much fun as I did today, or more, even... just remember I love you and it'll be alright... or at least it'll be an old song... stop me before I get started on music...

nite nite J

here, there, and everywhere...

ate something that is not agreeing with this body resulting in forehead throbs and extra potty time (you needed to know this, of course)... but feeling like crap didn't stop me from writing in myspace tonight and I'll try to keep my head up and focused enough to upload to btc too...

I think I may write too much for anyone to keep up with... I don't want to think that too often cuz it's a sad thought sometimes... especially when I am feeling weak and uncomfortable in this body and want someone to pat me on the head and tell me they love me and everything will be alright...

offline, in RealTime™, I woke and took a couple of hours for myself, going to work at 11... sleepy I was, but not tired, so I enjoyed the luxury of remaining in that quasi conscious state while responding to inspirations on the web... then at work, no work got done... it's Xmas wrapping and Santa's Workshop everywhere and after giving half a day to it yesterday, I finally gave in and put my work aside... the Xmas party and feast was this afternoon and it was a nice spread, though I am wondering if something on the buffet was off as this body is sure off since about two hours after eating... alas, I am not a turkey and do not enjoy stuffing myself today...

Rasputin just woke and turned on the light and ouch for my eyes... of course he then went to shower and get ready for work and left the bright light on... so much for the dark peaceful meditative atmosphere I was creating for my head and body...

I'll be Santa this year... at 5am Monday morning I'll be sneaking into the hospital and putting several hundred presents under and around six trees... the person in charge of rallying the community for donations outdid every previous year by far and each kid will be getting at least ten presents and some more than twenty cuz they have family and others who left things specifically for them... it's pretty amazing as more than twenty oversized bags are full...

I got home and napped and woke with a throbbing forehead so I hopped in the shower and sweated in all hot water until it ran out, then let cold water drip on my forehead... felt much better, so I came out here and wrote in the dark... this is what came out... and here we are for the brief update of the day...

that's it... enthusiasm almost all used up, but it was a wonderful day... hope yours was too