he's got legs!

and he knows how to use them

ZZ Top, eat your heart out :)

hello and welcome to an introspective entry... you've been warned :)

if you are looking for a more selfless, mature, sensible, or inspirational entry or even more of a lighter distraction, try the previous entries (please, they miss you if you missed them) or visit myspace where I went and plagiarized myself again this weekend... this bit of whining pathos will be here when you get back, promise...

my legs were crying out for sustenance after just one lap of the four I jogged last night... it could be because I've not slept much this weekend... I thought I slept, really I did, but when I counted up the hours as best as I could, I probably only slept about seven or eight hours all weekend and only about three or four by the time I went out running at 6AM Sunday morning... hey, I was engrossed in putting entries together for myspace, vital to universal security and stuff, ya know?...

there's also the imbalance factor in my exercising... the upper body and arms are being neglected, growing flabby and fatter, even as the legs are screaming out for a morsel of food... I probably have 15% or more body fat above the waste and less than 1% below... that's because the only exercise I've been doing in recent weeks (months?... no, weeks since I went to the gym where I'd at least do the elliptical that got my arms and chest somewhat involved) is jogging... I'm lacking in external inspiration, swimming up a waterfall in overall influences, and my internal motivation, which is mostly all I've lived on for most of this life, is at a less than half full level these days... it ebbs and flows, so I'm not concerned with my recent laziness... I'm out running lightly at least once a week, so I'm not back to the vegetative state I slipped into last year, but I am noticing my direction changing and pointing this out to myself here is one way I am trying to get myself back on track (so to speak)...

my upper body laziness is definitely vegetative... I could blame it on the desk job, and certainly there's an extremely lazy and poor diet influence in my face all the time here, but it's more my own personal psychological mindset... sexuality plays a factor (or lack of it), as does lack of opportunity to play interactive sports... but it's rooted deeper and I'll just have to have a talk with myself one of these days before I get too old to actually workout to my standards and run another marathon...

and the sleeplessness is one aspect of the imbalance going on inside these days... too much lazy poor-diet uncreative spectator sedentary growing old lack of social life, conscience, or activity... not enough me... so I wander the web more than I usually do because I am searching for change, searching for someone to play with, searching for creative inspiration, stimulation, engagement, activity, interaction, invigoration... something other than watching other people on the TV...

alas, I've been wandering this world alone all through this life, even during my years of being part of a couple, there was too much compromise and not enough relating to the stuff that makes me alive in this life... so my legs were probably complaining about my upper body (and mental) procrastination... my legs can be a pain, but painfully smart... they are asking what's the point of all this running around if we're going nowhere we want to be and not finding anyone with whom to go anywhere, or even nowhere... sharing the journey is easy if you don't want to share the whole journey... I no longer want to share like that...

my legs used to do this a lot when I was a smaller child... I'd do sit ups in bed until I could no longer sit up, thousands of them each night... some people count sheep, they tell me... I felt muscle burn... it kept me in touch with the body I as learning to live in... and burned off the extra energy I always seem to be producing long around the lights go out and everybody else falls asleep... it's not insomnia, cuz I really don't want to sleep... for me, it's just it's being alive...

so I hold out (ah, remembering Jackson Browne... where are the mix tapes I used to call my psyche, my autobiography, my philosophy, my reminders or who I am... some in storage, most lost in Toronto... life is a tricky proposition to be real in when you've lost yourself, ya know?... ah, but how much of this is emo-drama play and how much of this is serious help-me therapy?... only my headshrinker knows and since I don't have one, nobody knows... I'd even settle for a hair-dresser, giggles and all)...

the never ending banality of watching TV, eating meat, ice cream, soda, and sitting around every moment except when at work is not as amusing as it usually is tonight... a good sign... I mean, I could amuse myself to death, literally, with irreverent ambivalence and carefree apathy... yeah, I am that good at it... luckily, I am also good at putting my nose in my shit...

so I'm gonna skip the run tonight and ponder my navel... taking a few days or week off work would be wise, especially if I took off somewhere and spent some time alone, but that's not practical or professionally responsible at the moment since I agreed to do two time-sensitive jobs until we figure out how to find a part time data entry person with sufficient clinical skills to do enough of the data job for me to be able to organize the department and give myself some time off...

I could just crawl around a lot, but that's not as much fun as it used to be, especially with no one to crawl around with... I do mean literally crawl around... it's quite literally the first baby steps back to waking up the upper body and arms as the knees demand less pressure and the arms must take more and more weight with every step, or crawl... of course returning to that stage of infancy also brings the vulnerability of wanting to curl up and cuddle with someone... and then, the sensuality of cuddling can easily become sensual and in tern, sexual exploration... but we don't have to go into my nursery school sex tapes just now...

what?... when was your first sexual experience?...

yeah, ok, so perhaps we are now distracted from the malaise that infected this entry for a while (mock malaise, perhaps, but then, nobody knows, remember?... and z0tl's not around to remind us about the waitress at the bar on the beach, so there)... maybe I'm malaising cuz I know I could be in Cancun right about now and I tripped myself up by going corporate on myself again... adjusting to the corporate mindset is causing some indigestion and leg pains, naturally (makes sense to me)...

so feel free to read the previous entries that you missed if you want positivity and fun and frolic and inspiration and all that good stuff that pours out of me most of the time (I will beg for attention, ya know... especially when I am in the curled up crawling near fetal stages of the roller coaster... I mean, it's not fair that only girls can have that time of the month, really... us boys deserve some sort of poor-me self-nurturing time too, right?... pamper me, why dontcha, I'll be all sorts of appreciative when I come back to my egocentric confident secure self...

and now, it's not that I'm just horny or lonely or any such simple answer... not to say that hormones are not involved, but it's a long deep psychological sigh that comes around every now and then when I realize I just sold my soul to the devil one more time and it might be a couple of years before I can renegotiate the contract and trick the horned angel that I am really way too high maintenance and not worth the trouble... metaphorically speaking (or writing), of course...

of course I am amused, where've you been?... this is why I write, to amuse myself... the fact that you come along for the ride inspires me to want to love you and inspire you and amuse you most of the time because usually I am easily amused and do not require nearly this much self-pampering and whining-time... it's nothing that could not be cured by finding a fit adorable roommate who wants to put cushy mats down all over the place so we can crawl around for hours and hours and days or however long it takes to collapse in infantile bliss (the trick is to find someone who won't collapse days before I do, which is where the fitness comes in... the infantile honesty is just as much a prerequisite, so I'm kinda stuck cuz I don't think any grown people still care to be in touch with that part of themselves... oh the agony of defeat... knowing CPR would help too, I mean, just in case one of us have a heart attack trying to return these bodies to their child-like energy levels)...

but I am serious... why is everybody laughing? (will it help if I stop batting my eyelashes?... or start?)... ah, here we go again, rambling on and on too much... once again singing, will no one stay awake with me... dedicated to this daily writing (and I actually do mean daily, cuz I am alive and hoping to share everyday, even when everybody else is otherwise occupied, lost in solitary distraction, or asleep) my heart out to keep in touch with my imaginary soulmate who may not exist in this lifetime, but the hope that posterity will bring the words to her eyes and mind someday keeps me flowing right along... I think I am more ready and hungry for than ever to actually connect, commit, and share a daily life relationship that is not superficial... and in the meantime, here we are and there you are and if I could, I'd hug you big right now... the squishy kind of hugs only three year olds are allowed to do because they do not trigger insecurities like grown-up hugs do...

people are just such scaredy-cat stuffed shirts... dumb humans (oh dear, mustn't bite the hands that feed us now, be a good boy and run along and play now)...

hello, hi, how are you?... welcome to by blog... I write to keep myself company when I am alone, to hear (see) myself think so I know I'm still somewhere in my head, to express my feelings to know my heart is still beating even when I am the only one with my head on my chest, to remind myself of who I am cuz I have a tendency to forget when I am alone too long or with others not much like me (it's the chameleon in me), and to keep hope alive for interaction and loving others in this world... and finding the one... thank you for coming and I hope you find something worth your time and some reason to return and maybe even respond to something... you are more appreciated than you know, especially when I don't tell you...

I hope you are sharing the smile (and maybe even some of the giggles scattered through this entry... and maybe even some of the tears too, but it's ok if we ignore those, I'm used to that too... shhhh, I wasn't supposed to say that)... honesty is just so much more fun than anything else, even when it seems embarrassing or somehow impolite... I hope you understand some of this... and now, it's time to put the kid to bed...

nite nite :)