welcome to the living room
sing it softly to yourself in your mind
and when no one wants to understand
compromise and remember to be kind
and you'll find
you can always find yourself in your mind
you can always find your peace in your mind
you can always find your love in your mind
you can always find your song in your mind
I am feeling slightly crushed at the start of this entry, but not so much so for I have learned to expect this here... Raspy works 2AM to Noon with Tuesday and Saturday nights off, so he sleeps every evening (bedtime is about when I get home from work) except some Saturday nights (when he can stay awake, which isn't often when I think about it)... and now that I work what is basically a 9-5 weekday gig, there is no time in this space to turn up the music and sing with all I've got... that makes it very challenging to call it my home and therefore, in many ways, it isn’t... just one more reason I've not actually moved in to this space...
apparently, in a rare moment of Friday night bliss after re-reading the optimism of the previous entry and visiting you guys (and listening to some Elvis Costello and drifting back to very early candora and my own seldom played {these days} heart-strings), I put on a Harry Chapin CD... Legends of the Lost and Found... ah yes, the Stranger With The Melodies called me out... and I almost started singing (what I mean is, I started singing and almost found my voice again... and I am not sure if you know what I mean, but when you find your voice and sing from deep within, physically and ethereally, no matter how softly you sing, the flimsy walls of an apartment are nothing and the sound energy passes through with ease)...
for a brief few moments, I forgot the mostly dead life I've become accustomed to living while sharing space in recent years... a life in which creativity is a spectator sport and I try to suppress energy (including the singer) so as not to intrude upon the other's spaces so they can watch TV and sleep and do what they will... and when doing that, suppressing a voice and still trying to sing, well, the singing is not very good... in fact, as Harry would suggest, it sucks... and it leaves one open to honest appraisal (criticism) of a half-hearted attempt at carrying a tune, even ridicule...
and it woke Rasputin, so he came out to the living room to sleep...
so I stopped singing again because I never really got started and the space is not available for a voice... the TV goes back on, Precious wants to watch Bill Maher (a mind I often enjoy listening to as well), and Rasputin sleeps... welcome to the living room...
the irony, or perhaps it is synchronicity, is I found words that reached deep into my sleeping psyche in Pernickety's entry and out popped these thoughts:
the scariest thought I ever heard come from my mind was what you said, maybe if you become them, you'll understand...
in my own way, many times, out of loneliness, out of desire to please, out of compromise, out of desire for peace, out of so many well-intended reasons, I tried every way i could to become them, to fit in, to share what they shared, to feel less alone in this world...
nothing worked for long... I always sobered up - or woke up... and everything was the same... they were in what seemed to me to be a fog of pretense and hypocrisy and I was sitting on the sidelines of their games wondering what they got out of them, for they left me unsatisfied and often, feeling stained, corrupted, tainted, spoiled, even dirty...
ah, stop messing with my mind...
yes! :)
if you understand what I just said, thank you for sharing this smile :)
and here we are... unsatisfied with the life offline... feeling the music, feeling closer to the singer and the song, and finding no space to let the song energy out... so I come back to the words and keep the music in my head... it feels just as good, just in a different way... physical, but not as physical... real, but not as real... a compromise that allows some sharing, but just not all the sharing I'd like... I've lived alone and sung to the empty space, even sang to my dog, and somehow, as wonderful as it was for the body and spirit, it was so dang lonely...
so there are these moments when I miss singing space and I mourn the distance that has grown between the singer in me and the person I am in daily life, but I've come to terms with my decision to share space and therein share what I can share (which depends on those around me), even if it means suppressing some of the physical joy I can experience and share in this life rather than live alone and "share" only with myself... so like Mr. Tanner, I sing softly to myself... sitting here at the computer I sing through the written word and softly to myself, and to Wacko and the MTV Spaceman, two of my most loyal long-time fans who sit on my monitor smiling lovingly at me...
I hope that does not mean I am becoming them, I am simply living more like them... I've never been able to lose myself, even when I most diligently tried... given a moment of free time and space, I soar back into myself where I am most at home... and suddenly, coming through this journey of thought through these words, I am no longer feeling crushed at all, but rather, I am feeling comfortable and appreciated for what I give that others appreciate... and what no one appreciates, I simply enjoy by myself, inside, where it is most real...
stay true to your dreams and your true self, dear friends (and strangers too), and remember where you live and who you are... it is your mind, always, no matter how others might try to mess with it...
Labels: appreciation, compromise, environs, home, hope, life, memories, missing, mostly dead, mtmm, muses, music, naked, patience, peace, perspective, singing, smile, TV, writing
posted by candoor at 11:59 PM
6 Comments:
...or how much you ALLOW them to mess with your mind. It always comes back to who we are, doesn't it? What we have allowed into our experience. Our boundaries -- are they healthy, non-existent, excessive?
A lot of us have a propensity toward projecting who we want someone to be onto a person. When that person doesn't measure up to the standards we set - or feel we require at some level - some of us are overcome with a feeling of contempt for that person; some of us become frustrated and feel victimized; and some of us just feel a quiet disappointment that is deep and lasting nonetheless.
Some people love unconditionally. At least that's what I've heard. I haven't met any of those people personally - and certainly haven't seen them when I look in the mirror, sadly - but I have to retain the belief that they exist - that unconditional love exists. Without that belief, the world loses too much of its magic. ...and we most definitely cannot have that.
I'm glad your day went well, and I hope you get to sing at the top of your lungs very soon. A beautiful voice to express beautiful words and emotion. Take care.
"stay true to your dreams and your true self, and remember where you live and who you are... it is your mind, always, no matter how others might try to mess with it..."
And yet we spend so much time trying to get out of our minds lol.
But it is true if we are masters of nothing, we are masters of our minds - and yet some lose that too.
But all things being equal, we can take our mind (and body) to that happy place, or we can dwell in that sad corner of our mind. It really is all in the mind - even RealTime.
Yes, just as I smiled because I perfectly understood what you said I then read the next line you wrote, "if you understand what I just said, thank you for sharing this smile." So smile x 2 :)
And an extra smile just so. :)
I think those who love unconditionally seldom actually do that, but they simply act like doormats for others due to low self-esteem or high insecurity and neediness or all of the above... that's why those who do love unconditionally are often viewed as weak or stupid or unaware by most... many are unaware, naive, innocent, and love unconditionally out of inexperience, as children often do, rather than conscious choice...
I think many confuse loving unconditionally with trusting unconditionally and allow confuse hopes and expectations and desires with their perceptions and their sensory input...
I think most people complicate emotion and all behavior by thinking too much about what might be and not focusing on seeing what is...
I think most people want to love and be loved so much that they learn to love anyone they let in close proximity long enough and hope to be loved in return... sometimes it works, sometimes it's too much of a compromise and requires a submissive blindness...
I think people want to love and be loved so much, they give up honesty and turn off their senses and turn their backs on their true desires and dreams in order to make someone who gives them some attention the right one for them...
I think there are few people who actualize unconditional love and almost no one who actualizes unconditional trust and we collectively pretend to do it just to not feel inadequate or inept...
I think most people live a collective delusion when relating emotionally to themselves and each other...
I wonder if I do... I don't think I do, but then, that is the nature of delusion, aye?...
I mock myself, feel comfortably amused, and sigh semi-patiently as I continue hoping to be understood and find someone with heart, mind, and everything wide open to unconditional love and trust to see if I can still do it as completely as I've done it before...
I am sad to read your words, and still hopeful that you will find unconditional love as you want it, as you imagine it, as you can do it... you do not have to do it to find it, but it is much better for both if you do it...
I see much hope and optimism in your smile... I read someone who can and wants to unconditionally love and even attempt to unconditionally trust in your words... am I projecting? :)
I think that emotionally, anyone can be or do anything they want to do... finding someone else who wants the same things, that's the challenge one can not do alone...
*hug* my friend, I hope you find all you seek :)
Q - we do lose our minds rather easily, don't we? (I remain amused at the concept, but the actuality can be qwuite disturbing, especially in mixed company or in any organized or interactive activity...
you have the answer in your words, we choose the happy place or the sad place, we choose the perspective that focuses on and creates what is "real" in our lives... most things we can change, even if fear says we can not... the few things we can not change requires us to change our perspective, which is within our power to do... if only we knew :)
P - YAY! YOU! :)
YAY for understanding shared...
that's just like understanding squared, mathematically, even moreso when done in public cuz it's exponentially increased by observers and other participants in the understanding (mathematics makes everything so simple for some, and so impossibly complex for others)...
may you get the math as well, but either way, YAY for understanding :)
and for smiles :)
Post a Comment
<< Home