the clutter of decay and other secrets

I am still hungry… yes, this is a continuation of the previous entry… heck, the days run together as a blur most of the time these days, so why not the entries… though the days generally follow a linear timeline in a forward, or future direction and the blog kind of only does that if you are standing on your head and reading upside-down… I suppose I'll have to get up from the big green chair and cook something… or at least find my phone and order something…

I broke a tooth or more likely a tooth-cap (the dentist called it an "overlay" as opposed to a "cap" or "crown" and I think it's just a new name for a "partial crown" cuz that's what it is, a top of a tooth glued on)… anyway, the inside of the tooth is jagged now and while there's no pain or discomfort and I can chew and eat without noticing, the tongue naturally finds the rough edges regularly and it's a food catcher, which makers is a cavity maker and a source of halitosis… so eventually, I shall venture to the dentist and have it fixed and hope the insurance covers it…

speaking of insurance (Blue Cross SUX!), I got a bill from the Urologist and the Nephrologist last week because Blue Cross denied payment for the routine tests that were ordered because of elevated lab results over several months and found a couple of large cysts in the kidney… so is Blue Cross saying I should DIE? or not be covered for tests that prove I have might need to watch my diet and follow up with medical care?... I am sure glad we did not go ahead with the biopsy cuz they probably would have denied that too… I have not called to question the denial yet, but I will when I have time…

moments like those (when I opened the envelope telling me Blue Cross will not pay for my medical care) leave me feeling very alone and sad and turned off by humanity because it is the general acceptance of greed in this capitalistic culture in the west that allows insurance companies and medical care to become hugely profitable businesses and not the collective human services they are supposed to be, while most people (including the average employee of insurance companies and medical services) to be paid minimally compared to the profits in the businesses and then milked (and cheated) for services just like everybody else… and as much as people like the think that other countries are better, I say not much because it's human nature to be greedy and selfish and ever so hypocritical…

I so wish this perspective did not seem too accurate and real to me… I want to believe humanity is not as self-destructive and suicidal and all the rest (selfish, greedy, hypocritical, even homicidal) as it appears, but as idealistic as I am (and I am), I am also a realist and my eyes see what they see, but more important to me, my instincts are still true and see through even the education that reinforces the observations… the innocence and harmlessness and desire for love and peace and sensitivity and comfort in the human heart is buried so deep in ritual, unhealthy habit, self-defeatism, and fear, that it is a all but moot point in the reality of humanity today… and as long as money is more important than caring, as long as possessing and controlling is more important than sharing, as long as escapism is more important than awareness, as long as the façade of strength is more important than sensitivity, hope is a word for fairy tales and fantasy…

and then there's post secret…

sure, someone like Frank comes along with a simple idea that succeeds in creating something multi-emotional, simultaneously beautiful and sad, something simultaneously joyous and scary, and so much more… but does humanity celebrate it or even notice?... does anyone really feel the profound implications, the layers of meaning, the ironic representation of humanity that could be found in such a project?... and does one person have the right to believe they have the insight to mold the raw materials of such a project into a permanent record of our culture?... let's be frank about this, does Frank?...

it is not too different from any understanding… one person's humor is another person's trauma, intentionally or not… on one level there's the perspective of finding humor in most everything (if not everything), as I do… on another level there is the sadistic pleasure some find in another's pain (something I only try to understand through observation and study, but it only makes sense if you warp logic)… and returning to post secret as an example, how can we know many of those post card secrets are real and how many are someone's idea of a joke or attempt at shock value, if only to get some attention or vicarious thrill…

that can add to the depth of the experience and the art of the project, but I imagine many would see little humor or art there as many see little humor or heart in anything… how many find humor in the holy books, after all… and are human confessions not almost as serious, in fact, post secret just another form of from a confessional at a church… an anonymous telling of a secret, whether sin or art, is as holy or as meaningless as you make it…

now you've got something to think about, perhaps, if you found your way back here to this mid-point of a three part entry… or more… again, the irony of my amusement with confusion is fed by my laziness in completing these entries on the day they were written (or should have been written if I am to maintain a daily blog and we are pretending to be doing that here, right?)…

babblers just wanna have fun, after all…

sometimes :)