where's the pathos?

weird, the cut paste thing seems to cut the words, but then lose them and paste the previous words copied or cut... rather disheartening, really... there are several buggy oddities happening in this computer lately, not sure why... maybe the computer is sick... maybe it is bugs in the new software (Firefox 3 and other stuff was upgraded recently)... maybe too many tabs open at once... maybe it just needs a defragging... maybe it's overheating... maybe something else...

meanwhile, where's the pathos?... the illusion of need has not visited me in a long time... that hunger to fall in love remains, but far from strong enough to even be interesting... i mean, just look around, all the gardens are gathering dust... lack of exercise is one reason... lack of external inspiration is another... i don't think i met anyone who inspired sparks, chemistry, impulsive desire to reach out and touch, in the last ten years... that is very sad, or pathetic even, but real... perhaps it is my standards, but i will not pretend attraction when libido is unimpressed...

it seems that loneliness has lost it's power...

is that evolving?... awareness?... enlightenment?... am i ready to be a monk on a mountain?... do monks masturbate?... it's not a lack of sensual energy or desire, that's for sure... celebacy is not a physical body choice, it's a choice of mind... i was never one to accept sex purely for physical pleasure or as a way to stem off loneliness, but over the years the loneliness matters less and the physical hunger is much more satisfied alone than through another who does not know me or inspire me to lust... lust is kind of important to sharing sensual pleasure for me...

but socializing is returning to high frequency and energy is increasing again... what used to happen though, increased loneliness and hunger for sharing with an energy increase, is not happening this time... maybe it is a sense of self-sufficiency and security stronger than i've known before...

or maybe i am just too busy with work and socializing and sleep-deprivation to get in touch with the hunger and loneliness that logic suggests should be at such peaks at the moment that it would seem scary to imagine, no less experience...

am i too deep or just full of shit?...

ah, so misunderstood...

so why do i find it so amusing?... experiencing the moment, enjoying the journey, even when id rather be sharing more, i share what can be shared understanding that sharing takes to who can and will share and two can only share as much as the more restrictive limits of the two...

or something like that...

someday, the combination i am and seek will be close enough to the combination someone else is and seeks and that'll be the day ay ay, when i...

become we again :)

maybe the pathos will return again then, or maybe i'll just recognize it better (shhh, we're not supposed to know that now, but then, there's that supposed to phrase again... what a concept... rules)...

time for sleep...

you know the rest :)

nite :)