really and truly amazing, i'm sure

yeah, so what does it mean when your apartment gets really hot and you walk over to the thermostat and it's set lower than the temperature and you tap it and the air conditioner goes on and then it gets too cold and you go to put the thermostat higher and the air does not go off until you tap it again?...

i am amazed this place has the upscale reputation it has... i wonder what the place $150 cheaper a month was like... so anyway, laundry, dishwasher, dinner (after work) that's about it... hey, every day can't be as exciting as every other day, right?...

so i am always learning more about this world of humans and it still amazes me how people do not care, how smiles are so fake, and how capitalism makes business phonies of just about everybody i deal with on a daily basis in this consumer culture... there was a note saying the orkin man was here today... nobody's checked in as to whether i am satisfied with the jobs they did not do, but surely they'd be shocked and appauled if i told them i was moving out...

meanwhile, i still have not gotten into the wake up and go to the gym habit, even though i have been eating less the past week... about half the portions i was in the habit of eating and i still feel bloated... that is a good sign, i think, unless it just means i'm getting ready to explode or something... maybe after work is the time, but then, maybe it'll happen when it happens and i shouldn't oughta rush things... after all, i haven't unpacked yet... except for the boxes of dirty clothes and some dishes... and the music, kind of one by one, but then, the bags make the cds easy to access... but i think the noticeable bludge between me and the keyboard, which is on my lap (the keyboard, not the budge, this entry isn't getting kinky just yet, don't be too disappointed, ok?) is increasing the bloated sensation as i see with my eyes (see, when living with raspy and precious, i wore shorts and a t-shirt, but here living by myself i can be naked and therefore cannot hide the belly under the shirt (and ignore the fact that i used to sit the mouse on it as i was typing... yes, i did, shame on me, i know, but it's worth the laugh you're probably having so there)... yes, the belly always goes down when then clothes stop covering it up...

meanwhile, it is really and truly amazing how challenging it can be to open a cd wrapper... but what may be more really and truly amazing is how long i will sit attempting to get through the plastic wrapper with nothing but my fingers... it's some sort of purity test, i am sure... i am listening to unknown music at the moment... something called my lost cause... seems the title is kind of autobiographical... if i wrote it, that is... the cd is all about a heartbreak, i'm sure (i'm sure of so much tonight, aye?)... wait, maybe the group is called my lost cause and the cd is called dying for the cure cuz there's a song by the latter name on the cd... the first few titles are let yourself go, we won't budge, and waiting for a better day... if i wasn't sitting here in the dark i might read the lyrics... might... i haven't sat with a cd and read the lyrics and listened intently in many years... the music/sound is appealing in the way the new music of today appeals to me... kind of familiar, especially the voice... ok, my lost cause...

it is really and truly amazing how the universe sends me music so seemly randomly just when it is time for me to hear something... i don't mean my lost cause, though i do like all the bands they are said to sound like (on the my link) and that's why the do sound familiar... they write a very sad, lonely, hurting lyrics, but like most new bands (and most bands period), they are playing the sound of the day instead of writing the music to the words, mostly (excepptions include snow patrol, bright eyes, and death cab for cutie, to name just a few, but then, those are not that new... ok, big exception is spill canvas... and meg and dia give it their best shot {and dia is so adorable} and there are others... links are on the right, if you're looking to listen and learn more about the newer music that is moving me these days)...

what i mean (about the randomly arriving music that makes the universe really truly amazing) is that i am sitting at work (or was i home, well, whatever) and the phone rings last week and it's a guy i hardly know (and didn't recognize at first when i walked into the place) asking if i wanted to go to see lisa loeb the next night and i'm pleased as punch to find out lisa is in town cuz i hardly know her and yet i've always loved her (sound and voice and eyes and style and face and sense of humor... i wonder if it's cuz she's jewish) and here she was gonna be just a few feet away (playing a very intimate place) and i had two, not one, but two softball games scheduled for that night so i was so happy when both games got rained out (and it was not even raining for the show at game time, but the fields were soaked from the daytime rain) and there i was standing in front (directly) of lisa in the front row with jjust a few feet of empty space between us... she's even more adorable in person and the ears that heard her voice and said i'd love her personality was right on so i bought her latest two cds and wouldn't you know (or should) that her last cd (before the kid's cd she's currently marketing) was a re-release of her first self-titled cd that was so odd back then and is so right for me right now even as i don't even pay attention to all of the words, but just the sounds soothe and a few words here and there zing and her voice tickles and so it goes...

the deeper irony may be that this was release in the early nineties and i vaguely remember liking it a lot (like she says) but i was finding other influences at the time so i did not follow her much and now i see the ieony of missed opportunities for lessons learned and once again, i am always learning how wonderful life can be when you trust your senses to absorb just what you need from the really and truly amazing plethora of stimuli all around... and if the rainout didn't happen and the call did not come, i'd never have known she was even in town (it was a last minute show) and never have bought the cd that is playfully haunting me for the past week (which is so appropriate on so many other levels, given the timing of it's original release and where i was then and where i am not and the revisitation of memories long sleeping...

i should probably go see alanis morisette if there are still tickets left for necxt month... i mean, just look at the quote on her website... i entered the lottery... i entered three, actually... orlando, clearwater, and toronto... i entered in toronto under an assumed name... if i win, i'll probably win the one in toronto... i won't get the email though, it'll go to the only email address i know in toronto... then they'll yell at gail if she can't go because you're not supposed to enter if you can't go... see, revenge is a dish best served with music... and a white zinfandel... chianti is old school...

suddenly, eerieness plays from the little $10 portable cd player that pipes sounds into the little $30 three way speaker system (it might have been $20) that brings the sounds to my ears... a cd without credits... lyrics, but no credits... it was open, no wrapper, maybe somebody stole the credits... eerie... perfect imbalance... cd is called oneironaut... "If determination and futility had a voice, that voice would be Perfect Imbalance"... that is how cd baby (who loves me) describes this cd... there are only 250 copies in existence and i have one and they still have some for sale... oddly eerie... almost painfully errie (to the ears), yet somehow compelling... or am i just a masochist... the neighbors must love me already... and after seven rather odd songs, the cd concludes with this:

it doesn't take a message
to get across the fact
that living for another's dream
is only full of doubt
when looking at their smiling
delivers only grief
the package that's received
will never satisfy your needs
for something genuine unique
and also cleverly acute
when the soup spoon gets to stirring
will the end product be you

have you ever started singing
but didn't have the voice
or ever felt like dancing
but your legs always gave out
have you ever felt the
reoccurring shakes within your spine
its not the drugs i promise
you will have to bid your time
this traveling will end inside your mind
on your way home
on your way home

your goals aren't particularly pleasing
and your calling's not so loud
the shouting of your destiny
is lost within the clouds
that cover your best judgment of the things
that you want to do,
will society accept the fact
what they've given isn't you

have you ever started singing
but didn't have the voice
or ever felt like dancing
but your legs always gave out
have you ever felt the reoccurring
shakes within your spine
its not the drugs i promise
you will have to bid your time
this traveling will end inside your mind
inside your mind
on your way home
on your way home
on your way home
on your way home
on your way home
on your way home
on your way home

discover me
on your way home
discover me
on your way home
discover me
on your way home
discover me
on your way home
discover me
on your way home

and that is how the cd ends... don't look at me, i didn't write it :)