finding emo

as if emo was a person (or at least a character of substantive personality in words), i present the latest fundamental description of my fondest dream (sort of) in the usual impromptu babble (though we may have missed out on the three part harmony this time... yes, i did think it was and is important enough, not epic, perhaps, but vital to the understanding of the being known as me, i just did not make time for the harmoiny... yet... and i may not let you know when i do because, after all, no one said it should be easy... dig we must) as i attempted to explain it for the seven billionth time (which is why i babble, after all, to find the perfect words to express whatever it is i am expressing and first on that priority list was always the words that would express the dream that would finally attract the one (or theone as we've started refining words in thereal... i suppose the primary difference is that anybody can be the one but there is only one theone... yeah, or something like that... are we still in a parentheses?... oh)... what was i explaining again?...

anyway, for your edification, posterity's review, the one, theone (who is also a the one as subsets are), and anyone interested, here is the whatever it is, enhanced for greater perfection (if not yet harmony, though maybe)...

i am searching for myself, externally... my shared self, the person i am in a shared (and therein more real) experience, as opposed to the person i am in my mind where everything is clear and secure and well... this fundamental concept is essential to further understanding, so if you didn't get it, well, you are on square one, continue as you wish) that (searching for the shared or external self) is my experience in this life due to the experiences i've experienced (or not experienced)...

and that changes everything...

the one is the one who will acknowledge me, nurture me into becoming me, who will create me with me, as i thought was finally touched on in recent conversations betwixt and between the lines (reference to another blog you'll have to find yourself cuz i'm not linking it right here in this paragraph so there na na na na na) and then she becomes theone, i suppose, since there is this new theone position recently reborn, in a literary sense, at least...

and if she (yeah, i know, anything is possible and he could be a he, though that's not why i play softball with the gay and lesbian community on sundays and this is a tanmgential aside that could easily lead us from the point, if that hasn't happened already... is this the harmony i was referring to not being here?... more than three part, in that case, aye?... oh no, when the peanut gallery start singing infinite harmony parts, nobody ever follows along... alas, where for art thou the one theone one?) too is still unformed for any reason, i will strive to return the favor, the gift most children receive and take for granted... a gift that prevents true understanding of this life experience i loosely call mine...

love is (oh no, we're not defining love again, that'll confuse everything) pure selfishness and selflessness merged into every act for it is bonding to want (and strive to achieve) a unity that is a self-blending the two selves...

the precarious balance that may be an impossible dream...

and may not be...

i await the one who will truly devote everything to the experiment to find out...

i can afford to do that because of the experience that leaves me as i am, undecided with the guardians of the older generation...

and as alone in the world as a human gets while still maintaining social ties and enough cultural functionality to pass as human (normal enough) to not get thrown out of most social circles and gatherings... but those who look closer with more acute awareness can usually tell that i don't fit in because i was not made to fit it, i was not given the keys to fit in... and i will not crash a party i am not invited to... i stand on that ceremony with the human race because of my experience...

and the irony, the thing that might appear as dichotomy and confusing from the outside, is that i know (in my mind) who i believe i am more surely than anything else i know in this life and yet, to be sure in the shared reality outside of my head where life actually exists to be proven real or pretense, it takes sharing, two independently interactive beings bonding for this purpose... that is the external (real world, shared public) validation, confirmation, "truth"... something i never experienced...

so it is not that i live in some sort of internal confusion or the need for another to complete me or the pretense that love is purely selfless and someone else will make everything alright...

i live complete within myself as the illusion of who i am, real within my mind, but not shared, so not fully formed in the physical shared real time and space yet... that requires (not my choice, kind of like a law of physics in this world) someone else outside of me who will confirm everything has always been alright and therein make it real in the shared reality outside of my head...

the way a mother does, or a sibling, or anyone who actually makes that connection on that level, a subconscious bonding that most take for granted...

of course i could be wrong (doh)...

love, hate, nurture, abuse, whatever, your mother will always be your mother, half of your biological creator... and as you may know from reading me, i never had one of those and the substitute undermine whatever bond there might have been)... in many cases the relationship does more harm than good, but it does one thing that i never experienced that is pretty essential to this life as we know it and that is to confirm your existence, to give you history, to give you a permanent mark from which to begin to create yourself...

and the creation continues throughout life, but the difference is, most people began...

and i will not question the judgment, nor make it, as to whether it is better to have a beginning even if that beginning and experience screws up an entire life - or whether it is better to have no beginning because no one ever bonded or cared enough or took the obligation however grudgingly...

the difference is the difference...

for knowing all the answers is not the wisest of things, which is why i revel in the unknown and whether i seek it out or just take comfort in it's existence... it is my greatest comfort and security because it is home, because i, in the shared life sense of formed identity, am part of it...

and for all the hope and dream of finding it, romantic love is temporary as it is illusion, as is everything until shared in the physical world, and so therein dependent on life and life is temporary...

and it is a sacrifice - compromise, bonding, deciding to live life shared is the sacrifice of pure individual freedom and the individuality that allows... and while there is always the option of breaking the physical sharing promise and starting over on a newfound freedom trail toward a recreated independent identity, that is not why two choose to create the bond, that choice to separate is a failure of the primary goal of the bond, to share life as one unit, to become closer in every way possible, to find the twin that merges the two and share the one-ness of becoming twins...

relative twins, naturally... emo twins... imperfect, certainly, but a static perfection is boring in it's purity as it requires no change and therein, cannot be perfect for anyone who is alive - for life is change...

romantice love, for me, is striving for the perfection of being one with everything and sharing it by joining individual selves and committing to making the changes that creates mutual fulfillment, pleasure, and a sense of one-ness... therein, there is the world out there, and there is an "us" - the one theone and me no longer merely two individuals, but a third new entity called us... or whatever term we might us...

idyllic and impossible?... i have no point of reference to make that judgment... i can only hope my belief that it is possible can be proven true...

and doves will cry and there will be poor always and confusion will be the choice of many minds, but that does not mean two cannot choose to live the same dream and make the lemonade from lemons and the magic of merging individuals into a unity which, by any name or word, i see as the point of this life and i shall call it love...

or romantic love then (emo?), as there are so many other ways to love, but in the end, they are all the same... the choice to give up a touch of self, to compromise a bit of desire, to sacrifice a smidge (or all) of identity to become something that was not there before...

it may be challenging to conceive amidst the reality of daily life that most live, especially in families and marriages and within the work-for-a-living culture we are born into (and all the blindly accepted compromises and rules), but...

believe it can exist and it can exist...

believe it can be real and it can be real...

do it (share it, become it), and it is real...

two who do, know...

all the rest either scoff or dream or ignore, but that matters little to two who do...

all i've ever wanted was to be one of those two who do...

:)

yeah, i know, enhanced for greater perfection is one of those wide-eyed HUH? or whut? phrases... if you were distracted by it and didn't actually read the whatever it is as intently as you might have without the little distraction (literary speed bump?) out in front of the whatever it is (caught in the filter, ring roto-natzi, experts in unclogging and renovating pipes, hoses, and literary paths for sixty years... also cleans and replaces filters for an additional charge)...

so there it is, stay tuned for the sequel, emo and me... sure to be coming to a blog near you any moment after we find emo :)