looking for what?

ok, so i am cheating with a comment (actually, many comments ought to be here and in time, or later, some time some day even, i just might catch up on all the blank spaces like i keep saying i might... for now, here's this exposure:

i'm always looking for reassurance... i've been starving desperate for some intimate sharing, some head pats, ego strokes, but more than anything in this world (with deference to lenny kravitz), i am so (what's beyond desperate?) for attention to detail on a meaningful level that i've started walking around the apartment talking to myself and assorted inanimate objects... aloud... and i respond, often in lyrical refrains... sometimes my own words, sometimes others... sometimes the inanimate objects respond to... at least to me... in my mind... hey, get your own talking inanimate objects... or come share mine... if you think you can... this living alone is awakening me to just how amazingly unbelievably lonely i've been in this millennium...

shhhh, don't tell, i don't want anybody to think i'm an easy mark...

notice how i am not concerned about anybody thinking i am losing my mind...

yeah, and then after i left all these words in a downpour, you go and disappear into real life for endless days at a time and i'm left wondering if it was all a dream again (number nine number nine number nine... soooo sooo long ago... )

yes, i noticed you noticed the nine words that i deleted (and if you didn't i win na na na na na) because i was determined not to give power to the greedy desperate child or the cynic who expects everyone to disappoint (but if he expects everyone to disappoint, then he must have expectations, and if he has expectations, then he must have hope, and if he has hope, then how can he be the cynic?... omigosh, i just confused the peanut gallery and they are running around looking for their heads... quick, let's get out of this parentheses before they find them)...

and tom hanson sings:

you spin for me
a mystery
you wrap me up with it

you fly so high
you light the sky
you stop me wandering

you fall for me
and i am free
and that is everything

i am under
a cloud of wonder
and you are why

am i singing that to myself?... do i want that sung to me?... do i want to sing it to someone else?... are the peanut gallery heads still rolling around?... did i even get the lyrics right?... not sure about the last one... question, that is...

anyway, that's how the cd starts off, so how could i not fall in love with it?... and even so, i'd like to know, i'd like to know

my love sits alone
in the dreaming tower
a cigarette
the only light

i want to speak
i do not enter
i know
the timing isn't right

but even so
i'd like to know
what it is she is thinking

but even so
i'd like to know
i'd like to know

my love sits so still
the midnight ( . . . )
the quiet
is her covering

i move to speak
but i froze
does that
ruin everything

but even so
i'd like to know
what it is she is thinking

but even so
i'd like to know
i'd like to know

somehow that (second song on the cd... and two others have already been transcribed for your pleasure and such and such here in previous entries . . . does that say something?) represents every time the child inside (but my heart, maria, but my heart) came close to a true love, a mommy, a dream come true (finding emo?)... and i add my own lyric to the sweetly seductive haunting refrain...

it might not be meant
to be in this life
for me
to know a family

but even so
i'd like to know
i'd like to know

and then, there's a reference in my head-flow inspired by this song (and specifically that i'd like to know chorus line) inspired by the few who i thought could be (were, at those moments) the one once upon a time in that last line... at least in my mind...

she may not be the one
she may leave me undone
alone
and licking my wounds

it could be i'm a fool
to give her the control
my life
whatever may be

but even so
i'd like to know
what it is she is thinking

even so
i'd like to know
i'd like to know

and when people would tell me to forget, to move on, to stop letting someone drag my heart around, to stop caring what the truth was or what was real, to just let go, those were the words i'd hear in my mind... but even so, i'd like to know, i'd like to know...

maybe she was cruel
maybe she was kind
knowing
may not change a thing

even so
i'd like to know
what it is she is thinking

but even so
i'd like to know

i'd like to know

maybe you can see why i am letting tom get into my head more now... as if his nocturnal anthem (transcribed elsewhere in this blog) was not enough :)

i've always been told
leave well enough alone
don't wake
sleeping dogs or what they know

ignorance is bliss
or better left unsaid
curiosity
may have killed the cat

even so
i'd like to know
i'd like to know :)

what was this entry about, anyway? :)

oh, i was exposing my insatiable desperation and of course, you are free to take full advantage (which is why you are not supposed to know just how beyond desperate i am, so don't tell) and so as i head over to tom's myspace to check for lyrics (none there either) and i've got to sign in and find another 41 friend requests so i start approving and checking out an occasional site and i find stars go dim and while they definitely need better production, i hear the words and ok, the universe is taunting me again...

time to babble...

yet is was so far mast midnight and sleep...

babble...

sleep...

later...