will I be allowed to sleep after I die?

if not, it'll be hell... ah, such amusements I make in my head with words... so simple I am, no doubt... in any case, I slept a bit but just a bit and spent most of the time since last I rambled here doing this, that, and the other thing...

this: exploring and semi-randomly (or seriously irreverently at times) playing with the "add" button on myspace...

that: watching The Producers and Illumination on DVD...

the other thing: life (cooking, eating, listening to music and Precious)...

it is unfortunate that good workouts, runs, the gym, reading, meeting new people offline, and wild sex are not part of this that or the other thing lately, but hopefully that (and this and the other thing) will change some time soon...

did I mention I actually blogged over at my myspace blog?... yes, they are now subjected to my rambling over there just like you are here, only different...

and a bit of time was spent putting together entries for the long silent behind the candoor (that's a broken record, aye?)...

and I even peeled the onion a bit more a the onion blog (just look for the link on the right if you're curious)...

and I wrote half a rhyme earlier while I had a few moment of awake and alone time (I am alone at the moment, but barely awake and the creative synapses are sleeping along with most of the clever ones, if I have any of those left)...

I almost felt and cried inside during the rhyme, but the catharsis was cut short... I did cry at the end of Illuminations, so the emotional glans (or glands) and synapses were not allowed to die today...

but I am still pretty much mostly dead (you don't need links to those two anymore, do you?... if you do, you're obviously new or have ADD, so go find them here amidst the other writings... or on the right side of this page, for that matter...

call me up and ask if you just can't stand the suspense...

I was thinking of the music from La Cage Aux Folles today...

I could sleep a hundred years

but there'll be time enough for sleeping when I die... so I fell over as I started the last entry and just woke and yes, I could probably fall back to sleep until tomorrow but then, so many things I'd like to do this weekend would probably not get done...

when I arrived home from work this morning, Precious was awake and wired from staying up all night because she wanted to be awake to buy tickets (that is, to make sure I bought tickets) to a concert... tickets went on sale at 1pm and having experienced sell-outs in less than an hour, she was psyched not to let that happen... so we scanned through the library CDs (the ones that were new to us both because I have a tendency to pick up CDs that I've never heard of cuz it's kind of like a free lottery and I never know when I might find some music I'll love forever) and made some pizza and ate and finally fell over minutes after securing the tickets...

and then, now...

so I slept five hours and just might sleep more tonight (like normal night time sleeping hours?... wow... and what for?... cuz there are times when all the world's alseep that questions run so deep and that's why some of my favoritest writing happens in the middle of the night... I think the theory goes something like... there's no room for such big brain waves when there's lots of people awake, but when just a few people are awake, the brain waves can expand and reach the stars and beyond for those who dare... or something like that)...

alone time for writing is so very rare these days...

but life is full of youthful excitement and explorations and that is largely what life is about even when there is no equal partner with whom to share it all, so net results remain wonderful in spite of the lack of intimate alone time or intimate partnering time (I'll write some lonely laments one of these nights and wash the blues out of my hair by grooving on the creativity this solo time inspires... after all, would we have whipporwills set to music if there was no loneliness?... or the BeeGees, for that matter?... I love lemonade, so put another dime in the juke box baby)...

I amuse myself with though almost as easily as I amuse myself with emotion, if you follow my mind as it wanders where it will go (fixing that hole where the rain gets in, if you follow where that goes)... but enough wandering (since I'm so far behind in my actual wandering babbling diary, I've forgotten which end is up) here in the RealTime blog... it's the weekend, time for fun and if possible, a brief entry here to keep you in touch with all the little things that make up my particular (and perculiar, at times) RealTime life...

so let's see... the last entry (before the entry in which I did little but fall asleep) was Wednesday morning... I slept a portion of Wednesday and Thursday and details are vague in my tired brain... if Wednesday returns to my memory, I will let you know...

Thursday I got home about 10am (meetings and odd and ends stretched the work night to 11 hours) and I think I fell asleep around 3pm, I think... I woke around 8pm and plopped down in the big green chair feeling like I could sleep at least another decade, but somehow started watching some Pop Trivia show on VH1 that Precious is into... they are in the semi-final round... I love trivia games... and then, work, just 8 hours, surprisingly, and then home to this morning and music and awaiting the tickets to go on sale...

and that's our catch up on life in RealTime for today... I hope you are having as much fun as I am (and if you are partnered, exponentially more fun cuz that's how it works)... thanks for caring enough to want to know what's going on in my life... and if you are looking for more of my babbling or rhyming, well, I haven't given up on the dozens of entries or creating more rhymes for the other places I drop words on the web, so there's hope that lots of words will find their way out to points in cyberspace any time now... maybe even this weekend...

love yourself and life and keep in touch, m'ok? J

PS... myspace deleted me, or so they said this morning... I have no idea why, but Precious tells me that California is crashing a lot (the Cali internet and power grid, that is... I don't think it's actually fallen into the ocean yet, but come to think of it I must check on my beachfront property in Arizona one of these days... nyuk nyuk and all) and the myspace site is going bonkers lately... it still sucks to see "you've been deleted" when I attempt a login... so if you are trying to find me there, oh well, maybe it's not the end, but it's definitely a pause and a major drop in trust and enthusiasm for the site...

yeah, even if it is the biggest wired community on the planet... a hundred million people can be wrong... heck, talk about a long sleep, just look at what the majority of the billions on the planet have done with the place so far...

fatigued, fatigueder, fatiguedest

fat fag guest?... yes, my mind is short circuiting in random fashion so I zzzzzzz....

staring silently into the silence

as most of my online spaces are completely silent lately... and I realize that another weekend passed without updating behind the candoor and in a way it's good for me to let this time pass because that part of me that craves attention and enjoyed the illusion of popularity is checked and brought back to reality, which makes the few of you who remain all the more real and important...

so this thank you to you, dear readers, means a lot more to me today and I hope it means a lot more to you too...

my rambling online is not over, but ironically the silence helps me refocus my priorities and remember that life is offline and the connections we make online are mostlytransitory and ultimately, most words shared are meaningless in the long run... when I pretend there is something more I can fall into the trap of expecting more and therein falling into a blues and feel sorry for myself when disappointment swallows the illusion...

seems silly at the moment as clarity returns...

no worries if you enjoy my little ego trips, they will return as ego loves to imagine that the babbling fool is the vital key to humanity's survival and enlightenment (and of course we all take ego quite seriously because ego knows, right?)... but that's another time and place...

around here, when I got home from the 17 hour shift yesterday I found the power off... silly me (and no little help from my friends), the electric bill did not find it's way into my hands, nor did the blue bill (warning of turn off)... mail gets lost around here, which is why all important mail goes to the PO Box... except the electric bill because the stupid electric company refuses to send the bill anywhere but the address of service no matter how many times I've asked nicely and explained that the bill gets lost at this address and all the other services cooperate...

that's supposed to be why monopolies are illegal, because when a company has a monopoly the customer gets the hose, not service... of course the whole illusion that we are free and have rights in this capitalistic culture is a farce anyway, so the electric company can do anything they please and disregarding the customer's requests (and turning off power) is just one right they have... so I called and gave them a thousand bucks so the bill will be paid for a couple of months and thanked them again for reminding me that they could care less about their customers needs...

and they wonder why I don't want to trust them with automatic payment of bills...

on the other end of the good business policies, my storage place lets me slide six months (and longer) behind knowing I'll send them a payment for a full year and so I am happy to pay ahead to them... and that's what I did instead of sleeping after the 17 hour shift... I ordered food since cooking was impossible as it was raining (no barbecue) and there was no power (and everything in Florida is electric)...

that was Monday... Tuesday I got home and fell asleep and finally woke up in the evening to watch Dead Like Me (totally forgot it was on, but luckilly my channel surfing roommates reminded me when they skipped by it as they surfed and I reminded them I asked for TV time Tuesday evenings because of that show and the show that followed, Eureka... it's been years since I actually tried to watch a weekly show and I'll probably forget and miss some, but I like the shows and hope to catch more of them...

and then I wrote the last entry and went to work and then, it's now... nothing exciting, just a life in progress in the dull stages of crusing on a plateau that allows for some comforts, but little time for extended (like several days or weeks in a row) activities without working... ironically, when I was independently wealthy and had much more excitement and changes and unique experiences to report had I been keeping a public blog, there was no internet...

thanks for caring and sharing the dull grind of life today... I still love it and have much fun even without the freedom to do anything or go anywhere on the spur of the moment cuz I even have fun staring silently into silence, or space, for that matter cuz I enjoy myself... and I hope you are enjoying your life even more than I enjoy mine...

minutes

before heading out the door to work again, I've come to say hello and let you know I survived yet another Sunday-Monday-Tuesday... spending $2400 on electricity and storage in the last few days, I suppose the extra work = extra pay will come in handy... one of these days I'd like to spend it on even more fun stuff than electricity and storage, but life must be paid for first... usually...

hope you have fun with your bills too J

not enough time off

obvious to me, at least... I blink and the weekend is gone these days because I'm working 60 hour weeks and head back to work Sunday night, like in an hour or so... so I try to sleep most of Sunday and that leaves one actual weekend day off and I still do more going out stuff than I have time for so I am way under-sleeping...

I spent a little time putting together some scraps from the scribble files for entries for behind the candoor, but still haven't uploaded anything... this is the longest I've gone without uploading something there... in case anyone is concerned, all's well except for no time... hopefully you've followed me over to this daily blog (cuz if you didn't you're not entitled to lay any guilt trips for my not being there, ya know?)...

naa naa (yes, my tongue it out)...

Rasputin is back from the Ukraine and so the food I bought for Precious while he was away is spoiling in the fridge because, well, that's what happens to food in their world... they'd rather eat out than cook or make a sandwich... on the plus side, I'm taking veggies to work each night... but Elpien and others continue to order in and I join in regularly because there's no way to isolate myself from the party since we moved to the smaller unit...

yeah, I know, the ridiculous lack of will power I've developed in recent years doesn't help me live amongst Americans, but I can whine about the influence of others forever and it's still my responsibility alone...

yeah, so now I stick my tongue out at myself...

I also spent a little time over at myspace (Precious's influence) exploring groups for the first time (and wouldn't you know, LA had a power failure and myspace went down while I was exploring and stayed down half the weekend and groups are still down... so I wander somewhere else)...

I still didn't get back to blogmad... just don't have time for chatting and the last time I was there I found 8000 credits missing and that's a major turn off, so I don't want to experience that again since I don't have time to chat or ask what's going on...

I do want to hear from you (anybody who cares, that is)... that's why I am maintaining this blog, to try to keep in touch...

and so that's what's going on in RealTime around here... mostly nothing, gathering words for entries, eating out, resting, and now, time to get ready for work again...

find the time to enjoy yourself while you can J

huh?

daylight and I'm semi-awake and sitting here pondering the limited time I have for life these days (excluding work from life, for the moment) and seeing what is falling away is sad...

Dashboard Confessional and Say Anything are all I will hear for a while as Precious (who is suddenly into myspace and dragging me over there to add music and search for people I might know and people I might like to know so I'll probably spend a little time searching and adding over there today too) is going to see them in concert tonight and in a few hours she'll be heading to a local record store for a CD signing and meet the band party and then to the House of Blues for the concerts... if I had the energy I'd be sad that I am missing this one, but then, I am gleefully resting so no sadness is allowed today...

I may attempt that massive task of putting together the hundreds of snips and blurbs in the scribble files into the dozens of entries they are supposed to be and uploading them into the momentarilly long lost life in black and white diary that we've all been missing so much (shhhh, I keep imagining all the devoted online friends coming here to keep in touch with me in this time of barely being here)...

meanwhile, I think I'll shower and see about peeling my eyes open and looking around...

love your day J

you may be right, I may be crazy

actually, there's no maybe about it, but it's a good song anyway... so the last entry was written just before I left the house and this entry is being written the moment I walk back in the door (and I got out of work early) and is there any wonder why I'm not uploading endless ramblings behind the candoor?...

yes, I do figure that the more I link to myself the more chance I will find true love... it doesn't have to make sense, it's some sort of psychic web spider bot instinct that tells me to do it so never mind if you don't get it and ignore it if it's not fun for you and continue with whatever is...

if you could multiply the intensity of the simple phrase I am tired about fifty hundred times and zen it forward, you might approach some conception of just how tired I be at this moment in time and yet, due to caffeiene and adrenaline, I am wired from the neck up (beyond clarity or coherence, perhaps, but wired nonetheless) and even as the body wants to fall over I am bouncing around the room in my mind...

does your nose start running when you are majorly sleep deprived?... I am really quite amazed that this body has not rebelled and popped a stroke or some stoppage of the mad manic roller coaster I live these days... every now and then my nose bleeds and forces me to lay back and rest, so maybe that's an early warning system that the body is approaching the I don't know how much more she can take, Jim point of no return... yes, that was a message written in Star Trek code, you nerds...

takes one to know one I suppose, aye?... meanwhile, I don't feel like I have the energy to sit up long enough to make any sense out of the scribble files just now, but as promised in the last entry or few back, dozens of entries will be uploaded into the scribble files very shortly...

meanwhile, I've got to go because I forgot I was meeting Bert at Barnes & Noble... so out and onward and upward and don't blow your nose too hard...

wishful thinking

I've got to be out the door in a few minutes for another 17 hour shift... so Monday was 17 hours and Tuesday I did some chores and then picked Rasputin up at the airport (an hour after his flight was due cuz the NYC airport lost power all day) and Wednesday was 12 hours and then I took care of some license stuff from 1998 in Niagara Falls, NY (slowly I turn... and madness follows me wherever I go) and then Thursday was a 11 hour day and I finally looked at the fantasy baseball teams while listening to Precious tell me about her life and thoughts music Precious put on and now it's off to another 17 hour day... I have Saturday off and Sunday day and then Sunday night it's back to the 17 hour Sunday Monday...

the screen is too blurry to read this so typos remain if they exist (doubting the existence of typos?... I must be losing my mind again)...

so my uploading those dozens of entries was wishful thinking this week, but maybe this weekend since I don't think I have anything planned but sleep...

at least I am telling you I love you by keeping in touch in this way here, right?... must head out the door now... love yourself and your life cuz that's where everything begins...

blogger slow

wouldn't let me post, fell asleep waiting

for behind the candoor fans

I spent some time last night at work gathering my witless scribbles and free associative babbling into a couple of dozen entries that will soon be uploaded over in the other place where I've gone pretty silent of late... to those of you who noticed, thank you for noticing...

at the moment I am just waking from what has become the usual Monday-Tuesday stupor as I've taken to working 17 hours on Mondays which means trying to give up Sundays to get sleep in the afternoon evening and then giving up Mondays and Tuesdays to try to sleep a few hours Monday evening and then fall over all day Tuesday...

tonight, Dead Like Me comes on the Sci-Fi channel... it's a Showtime channel show I saw when it first came out because I had Showtime back then, but I've not seen it for years and hope to enjoy it as much as I did the first few weeks I got to watch it... there is cynical cuteness in the star's treatment of the character, which is what got the show hooked in my head well enough to remain... after Dead Like Me, there's a new show called Eureka on and it might be amusing... I'll have to miss the end though because Rasputin's flight comes in at 10:31PM tonight so hopefully I'll catch it again at another time if I decide I like it...

I'll be heading into work late tonight, after the airport run... and that's the excitement of this week's days of stupor... hopefully by the end of the week or sooner I'll have those dozens of entries uploaded in behind the candoor for you few dear darling devoted readers who just can't get enough of my literary madness...

at least I amn proving I can keep in touch here, right?...

sleep well, dance better, and sing your heart out J

relaxing saturday night

the irony of this online world is (I believe) that most people get into habits and like people do in the offline world, walk narrow paths and seldom explore anything beyond their routine (and then they wonder why they are bored)...

but enough philosophy, this is the report on RealTime blog, after all...

so after catching up on sleep (since I didn't sleep Friday), Precious and Sushi and I went to the Downtown Disney to pick up tickets to a couple of concerts at the House of Blues... they will be seeing Dashboard Confessional (more to see Say Anything cuz Say Anything is Sushi's favorite band of the moment, replacing Rilo Kiley for the moment) next week and we'll be dragging Rasputin to there on the 5th to see Spill Canvas who are opening for Mae (I'm liking Spill Canvas a lot these days)...

on the way we stopped at Target for dish soap and CDs and found they had a sale on CDs... 50 CDs for $8... so I bought all six they had on their shelves and then we went to another Target and they only had one left so I bought it and we got three rainchecks for four more 50-packs cuz that price is just too good (a throw back to when we used to get CDs for free when they'd sell give a rebate for the price of the pack)... and Sushi got us a 10% discount cuz she works at Target...

we woke too late to get to the computer show, so we may go tomorrow... then it was home and relaxing with music and videos... party on...

live for the moment, now...

so we're driving home singing the chorus from The Tide by Spill Canvas (current car music, replacing Fall Out Boy a couple of weeks ago) with all we've got (as I am still learning the song, it's not quite all I've got yet as I'm still listening more than singing sometimes) and loving the message and the energy and the Chapinesque twist in the end chorus (it's been so long since I truly let music talk to me) and still buzzing (literally and figuratively) from the five band concert at Will's Pub (line up: ..., Boy Meets Heart, Dave Melillo, Quiet Drive, and Houston Calls) and each became progressively better (tighter musically and more in touch with the audience) and I bounced all the way through three hours of music and can ring out my shirt now and just finished drinking 60 oz of water and feel wonderfully alive...

it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive...

and I know I've slipped far from the feeling of being alive I've known through experience previously in this life (the awareness that comes when in touch with everything because the spinal column and chakras and everything line up just right) and the fact is I've gotten quite sloppy in life and the living of it, but there's still that feeling of being alive even if it is grossly diminished by physical stupidity, weakness, laziness, and wasting away...

and it still feels great...

fool I am, but a happy for for I know love is completely real and don't need anyone else, real or imaginary, to tell me so... and that's where I've been this evening, bouncing and rocking and head-banging to the music... my ears are still ringing...

wish you were here J

don't blink

to the tune of don't speak, I suppose... don't blink, I don't know where I'll be then, you might just see me missing, or disappearing if you don't blink, I leave the windows open, so I'm not really online, you are appreciated...

one day, when I have time, maybe I'll fill that out and see where it takes us, but for now I continue from where I left off, but only sort of, kinda more like a detour and the next entry, perhaps, will continue more precisely from the place the last entry ceased when I fell asleep...

running out to a little place called Will's Pub right now because in a moment of being me I said yes and the question Precious was asking was would I take her to Will's Pub tonight... I slept a half hour or so a while back today after getting home from work, but mostly I cooked a meatloaf (because my roommates are serious meat eaters and I don't want them to starve, even if it means a few cows must die... ethically, I am torn, but dang, it's a good meatloaf) and had Precious bouncing ideas off me for her myspace (which is why I may be flashing as "Online" over there, which is what I referred to in the opening number above when I was referring to leaving windows open... I am not really online, no matter what the sites might say, I just leave a dozen or more windows open even when I am away for days)...

and while she's showering I came here to say hello and tell you that I did actually fall asleep in the midst of the previous entry and it will continue, along with a dozen or dozens of entries destined for behind the candoor (the masterpiece of madness, or perhaps simply the my own personal rosetta stone), any day now... maybe even tomorrow... or tonight, one never knows... in fact, many...

life is full and fun, though that romantic spot inside is lonely and longing and dancing without sleeping in the middle of the dance floor as if nobody is watching and singing as if nobody is listening and loving every minute of it even if Jerry or nobody ever knows... everybody should, really, because it's better that way...

so it's off to hear some new music now and hopefully you'll find some fun in your life while looking for whatever it is you are looking for...

always love J

and today is?

sheesh, I can't even tell what day/date I wrote the last entry I don't know how long it's been since I last typed here, but I sense a few days, at least...

that's how consistently blurry blogspot is getting on this monitor... other sites are occasionally blurry, but can be brought into clarity by right clicking... blogpot is always blurry now and will only come back to clarity half the time, if that much... sucks, but it's primarily my monitor so even though there may be something in the blogspot coding helping the blur, it's not blogspot's fault...

even this entry box is blurring to the point where I have to switch to a notepad file...

and I fell asleep, so we'll try again tomorrow...

blurrier

the irony of this old monitor selectively (or is that randomly) losing focus on some pages and allowing visual acuity on other pages is creeping into several laugh centers in my brain... blogspot blogs appear consitently blurry (and sometimes I can clear that up by right clicking so the pull down menu pops up and then the monitor remains in focus, but sometimes that doesn't work)... other sites appear blurry while they are loading and come into focus after they load... other sites only come into focus when I scroll down from the header...

there must be some sort of scientific explanation for it, a graphic coding factor or something in the processing of the bits from the internet into the visual tube of light, but my lack of time reaction is simply to want to toss the monitor out the window for a moment and then be amused...

I don't do that because it's a 21 inch monitor and I do not want to return to the 17 inch monitor until I absolutely must... I keep hoping that I motivate myself to break into my bank and steal enough for a new computer system that includes a new 21 inch monitor (though I may be frugal and settle for a 19... as I cringe... I am so visually spoiled these days)...

another irony or coincidence or both or neither is that I have a driver's license renewal appointment on Thursday during which I may have to re-take the entire test from scratch because I did not notice my license expired more than a year ago and that';ll mean taking the eye test, the written test, and maybe the driving test again and I am trying to remember the strict rules of the road because it would suck if they took away my license because I don't remember precisely how many feet it takes to stop when travelling at 65 mph or something...

but the irony or coincidence I refer to is that every time to monitor blurs I think of the eye test and wonder if they will put a stipulation on my license that I must wear glasses to drive... I've never worn glasses and still can read lyric inserts and most of the fine print on CD covers, but it's been decades since I had an eye exam so I am having eye exam anxiety because I don't want to have to drive with glasses on (or face the fact that this body is actually aging and the eyes are not perfectly 20-20 anymore)...

again, the monitor mocks me and I laugh... I still don't seem to find reason to takew anxiety or worry or any of that stuff seriously for more than a moment... but this blurry monitor is making the internet even less a place I rush to visit each day and I am already (as you know, if you're following along in my rambling story of a life spead across various websites) sloacking on the daily connection to you through this medium...

and still, just this week, I raised my monthly bill in order to have the highest of the high speed DSL pumped into this apartment so Precious can enjoy it on her 2005 computer (Rasputin and I don't benifit much on our prehistoric machines)... yes, I do often travel simultaneously in different directions... I hereby copyright those last four words for a book, CD, or movie title, just for the halibut...

and the dolphins too...

so anyway, we watched mostly music yesterday, since I did not watch to drive much since my license has been expired for more than a year... and some of the Germany-Portugal game and The 40 Year Old Virgin too (I am starting to relate to that experience and realizing it's so much simpler to solve in the movies... alas, fit bouncy sensuous girls are just not throwing themselves at you in real time if you're not the star or the star's buddy)... after that I saw the animated Anastasia for the first time so related to that journey and search as I dreamed of meeting Meg Ryan once again...

Precious (who is biologically my roommate's 17 year old daughter, though I've hung out and talked with her a lot since she moved down here with us a few years ago as Rasputin is gone working so much) went out with her best friend to the library for an hour or two and cooked hamburger helper dinner when she got home and I cleaned and did laundry... and I cleaned... I cleaned all day and long into the night... I have a couple more bags of paper trash as I continue tossing paper I've had stuffed into boxes since coming down to Florida again in 1999... so many memories... so many emotions... so much angst, adrenalin surges, catharsis... and I experience that inner journey all by myself, which is lonely, but perhaps inevitible while I am, as the wise and inspirational 9 points out, waiting for RealTime™ (which has a lot to do with falling and being in love again, but that's a whole other ramble)...

and that's what happened since last I dropped some words here... I just popped out of a too-short but hot steamy shower and today I'll be cleaning some more and hopefully napping enough so I won't be dragging too much on my Sunday-Monday 17 hour shift that starts in less than 12 hours...

bless you for visiting and letting me know I am not completely alone in my inner world... may you find fun and much value in your journey today...

good griefenheimer

gravy all around, even... just getting home to kick back... stayed at work an extra five hours to get some work done and then, what with it being the weekend (mine starts when I get off Friday morning-ish), we went out to eat at the local Chinese buffet cuz Precious is expanding her taste buds and then we headed for the library for a while...

several dozen CDs and a bunch of DVDs and books later, we head to the bank to finally deposite the check in my account so she finally officially paid for half of her replacement iPod (cuz she lost her first one) and then, off to the massive superstore for ice cream... we buy three different kinds and head home and here I am...

and now, as music plays, I shall fall over and nap...

you be good J

madness ensues

well, it would ensue if I was not working so much... after driving Rasputin to the airport for his trip to the Ukraine, Precious and I wandered around the airport and found the food court... all the international voices made it fun to sit and eat a hot dog and cheese fries... call us weird, we had fun...

we then came home and I debated about going to Sea World cuz I could get in free today but decided I was too tired and what with having to work again tonight, I party pooped all over that idea...

I ordered good pizza instead... see, Rasputin eats very few things... Pasta Milano at Macaroni Grill... a few basic american dishes... and Donato's Pizza... he orders it at least once a week... always pepperoni...

Precious and I, on the other hand, like a variety (though Precious did inherit some of her dad's narrow taste buds as she much prefers plain cheese, though likes different styles of pizza)... so we ordered my favorite pizza which is close to a NY style and chowed down and then we watched music on TV...

maybe madness will ensure tomorrow...

ensue, even...

eyes half open

not wide shut, just droopy... on the TV as I wake is George Carlin making so much sense that people are too embarrassed not to laugh if they can't pretend to be offended and walk out... and then, suddenly, Precious's favorite group of the moment, The Academy Is...

time to go to work again...

I discovered today that the expiration date on my license is not 06, but rather 05... yes, I've been driving around with an expired license for more than a year... nobody, including the cop who stopped me a few months ago and let me off with a warning, said a word about it... I think I make have to take the written test and prove I can drive again... complete stops at stop signs and all that technical stuff... sheesh...

tomorrow morning I'm driving Rasputin to the airport... good timing... he's catching a flight to the Ukraine... second visit to someone he's been corresponding with for years... might be serious... it probably means even less time to write for the next few weeks as Precious, who has nothing to do this summer, will have nobody else home to talk to, drive her places, and so on...

what else is new? J

I've got to find my birth certificate, which has a different name on it than the name on the license, which is different than the name on my credit cards, which is different than the name on... it's a complicated paper world we live in... the license people say I have to bring it, which will just confuse them, but I'll do it... so I must find it this week... I have an appointment next Thursday...

an appointment with a long line leading to bureaucracy...

so there's a good chance I'll clean up with week so I can find it (I took it ought of my wallet when I started cleaning a few weeks ago... or was that months... anyway, I'm off to work for now... hope this attempt to keep in touch is working for you... I miss you... I love you... have fun out there...

happy 42

while many around me celebrate the 4th of July, I celebrate the coming of entry 42 because, well, I am an alien... not to knock the freedom and independence that is somewhere under all the rhetoric and macho posturing and bombs bursting in air, cuz I believe in the ideals that I read in the original texts written by many of those who are called founders of the U.S.A.... I just celebrate things that I want to be part of every day every day, like birthdays and relationships and love...

what is unique is the fact that this is the 42 entry and this will be the only 42nd entry this blog will see... probably... so happy 42nd, dear blog, maybe it be fun...

I wonder if Douglas had considered that 42nd Street is one of the most famous (and infamous) streets in the world when he discovered that 42 is the answer to the ultimate question... the street itself represents the epitome of the hypocrisy of our culture, as do the sell-out music stars on the TV Award shows (that are on TV at the moment as Precious controls the remote these days cuz I love music more than old sit-com reruns so Rasputin is out-voted 2 to 1) and the saddest thing is how well most people buy into ignoring the bigger picture (what?... spoiled rich kids and wanna-bees seeing anything other than their bling?) so that momentary gratification can rule the day, but that's besides the point...

so anyway, I slept...

sweet...

day up, day down, days spin all around

people are always asking for mercy on the souls, or for their souls, or for something... it's a strange request usually made by those making a decision they do not want to make or by those losing control of a situation... me, I'll just reach for a Kit Kat and turn the music up or down depending on perspective and circumstance... yup, I'm not into all that pie in the sky illusion stuff, thank god...

did someone clear their throat?...

so I got home from work yesterday after 17 hours and after heating up some pizza I sat down in the big green chair anticipating sweet sleep until I had to go back to work again when suddenly, Precious finds Titanic on the toob... it's an hour into the movie, but we'd recently discussed my not being sure I've ever seen it all (I can say the same about Gone With The Wind, Star Wars and other cultural classics)... I do have this uncanny ability to completely (or at least mostly) wipe my memory clean of fictional entertainment so that I can re-experience it as if for the first time (I love my mind for giving me that ability... it's like my mind came equipped with an eraser or something), so I'm never actually sure if I actually did not see the film or if I simply used the talented eraser in my head...

so I watched the last two and a half or so hours of Titanic with Precious cuz it's one of her favorites and she was excited to have found it and wanted me to see it... I may be less of a dork now, though I still don't remember the first hour (shhhh, next time maybe we'll find the whole film)...

not long after the movie I finally fell asleep to the tunes Precious chose and I woke two minutes after I was supposed to be at work cuz I forgot (not all forgetting is planned) I turned my phone off and that's my alarm clock and PRecious forgot to come out and wake me until two minutes after the time I was supposed to be at work...

so I was a half hour late... or maybe fifteen minutes... I forget...

and another night of work work work and a bit of wandering around aimlessly just to stay awake and coffee and then home to warm up pizza and have a little chocolate (that Kit Kat was real) and and here we are...

falling asleep to old Twilght Zone episodes...

who would share this life?... well, anyway, hope you are enjoying your lives (especially you Q, and Moo too)... gonna go curl up in the big green chair now...

g'nite J

mumble jumble

so I come home and sit down and fall asleep... at least I was in the big green chair this time, much more comfortable than the desk chair... first I eat sometimes... sometimes I wake up and find the food burnt in the oven, but usually I don't do that... today I was able to heat up leftovers, eat, and start two loads of laundry... I turned on the TV intending to watch Dead Zone (cuz I still want to see if Nicole DeBoer is still on the show what with me missing all of season four) but I fell asleep during Sports Center (I ignored my fantasy sports teams this week even more than I ignored them last week, alas) and woke after it was over when my roommates woke up and came into the living room where I was sitting... I think we might have had some sort of conversation... I fell back to sleep during whatever they were watching... the stuff in the dryer is still wet now, so I turned it back on... I slept six hours or so, on and off, with Fuse TV on loud in front of me...

I feel the strain in my brain... in my frontal lobe and just above the eyes and in the eyes... dull throb, no pain, I think, mostly numbness and slight pressure... like the blood pressure is a bit high right above and inside the eyes... signs of stroke or glaucoma or something?... or just fatigue, long term variety...

actually, it's probably caffeine and sugar withdrawals...

the TV is showing the usual current Fuse TV Van's Warped Tour summer of 2006 bands (and interviews with the band members) on this IndyPendent Weekend... cute, huh?... the irony of our culture remains as the first steps into independence are still attempted within the illusion that the people selling their music are not selling out or even trying to sell their music like the big commercial companies do and the young audience buys it and tries to believe they aren't selling out or buying into bands that are trying to actually become rich and famous and commerically successful...

or something like that...

I still feel bloated... current eating habits and lack of exercise and constant fatigue and diffused mental clarity (or lack thereof) and my roommates habits combine to fool my brain into thinking I am hungry when this body isn't actually hungry and I rush meals and eat too much and feel bloated... did I mention I feel bloated?...

Rasputin is heating up a pot pie... Precious is hoping he remembers her, but there's just one pot pie... she'll drink her Pepsi and snack on something... I'm gonna ignore the urge to join in and stay in touch with the bloat feeling a bit longer... I think... until I forget again...

a band called Something Corporate followed From Autumn to Ashes in the interview cycles on the TV... every ten minutes, though it seems like every five minutes, another series of commericals for typical consumer crap come on repeating their buy me buy me buy me mantra... and the interviews are repeating with the blurb at the bottom of the screen informing us that the interviews and music we're watching are from a DVD for sale... sure, indy music station...

it's not that I actually enjoy my cynicism, I just enjoy being aware of it more than I enjoy waking up feeling ignorant...

I've got a 17 hour shift in about six hours, so maybe I'll sit back down in the big green chair and nod off again... maybe my personal ad should be for a gardener who loves tending to vegetables... but then, it always has been, though there's much more to the term gardener (right to the core) and the life of vegetables than the cynic will tell you... once upon a time, maybe I'll tell it again...

and maybe I'll find the time to motivate a run tomorrow... or the next day I don't feel like a pulsating mumble jumble in my head and semi-comfortably numb everywhere else... ironically, I used to spend money to feel like this, back in the day when recreational drugs were more available and I was into experimenting... who'd have thought that I'd grow up (not me, not I) to actually (with the help of legal chemicals and sleep deprivation) get paid to sit around in the same stupor...

maybe I do enjoy my cynicism a little...

yeah, lol...

more work

music, TV, ordered in Italian food, and back to work again... watched soccer too... the home continent always seems to win (at least since 1952)... good food, good music, happy trails...