mumble jumble

so I come home and sit down and fall asleep... at least I was in the big green chair this time, much more comfortable than the desk chair... first I eat sometimes... sometimes I wake up and find the food burnt in the oven, but usually I don't do that... today I was able to heat up leftovers, eat, and start two loads of laundry... I turned on the TV intending to watch Dead Zone (cuz I still want to see if Nicole DeBoer is still on the show what with me missing all of season four) but I fell asleep during Sports Center (I ignored my fantasy sports teams this week even more than I ignored them last week, alas) and woke after it was over when my roommates woke up and came into the living room where I was sitting... I think we might have had some sort of conversation... I fell back to sleep during whatever they were watching... the stuff in the dryer is still wet now, so I turned it back on... I slept six hours or so, on and off, with Fuse TV on loud in front of me...

I feel the strain in my brain... in my frontal lobe and just above the eyes and in the eyes... dull throb, no pain, I think, mostly numbness and slight pressure... like the blood pressure is a bit high right above and inside the eyes... signs of stroke or glaucoma or something?... or just fatigue, long term variety...

actually, it's probably caffeine and sugar withdrawals...

the TV is showing the usual current Fuse TV Van's Warped Tour summer of 2006 bands (and interviews with the band members) on this IndyPendent Weekend... cute, huh?... the irony of our culture remains as the first steps into independence are still attempted within the illusion that the people selling their music are not selling out or even trying to sell their music like the big commercial companies do and the young audience buys it and tries to believe they aren't selling out or buying into bands that are trying to actually become rich and famous and commerically successful...

or something like that...

I still feel bloated... current eating habits and lack of exercise and constant fatigue and diffused mental clarity (or lack thereof) and my roommates habits combine to fool my brain into thinking I am hungry when this body isn't actually hungry and I rush meals and eat too much and feel bloated... did I mention I feel bloated?...

Rasputin is heating up a pot pie... Precious is hoping he remembers her, but there's just one pot pie... she'll drink her Pepsi and snack on something... I'm gonna ignore the urge to join in and stay in touch with the bloat feeling a bit longer... I think... until I forget again...

a band called Something Corporate followed From Autumn to Ashes in the interview cycles on the TV... every ten minutes, though it seems like every five minutes, another series of commericals for typical consumer crap come on repeating their buy me buy me buy me mantra... and the interviews are repeating with the blurb at the bottom of the screen informing us that the interviews and music we're watching are from a DVD for sale... sure, indy music station...

it's not that I actually enjoy my cynicism, I just enjoy being aware of it more than I enjoy waking up feeling ignorant...

I've got a 17 hour shift in about six hours, so maybe I'll sit back down in the big green chair and nod off again... maybe my personal ad should be for a gardener who loves tending to vegetables... but then, it always has been, though there's much more to the term gardener (right to the core) and the life of vegetables than the cynic will tell you... once upon a time, maybe I'll tell it again...

and maybe I'll find the time to motivate a run tomorrow... or the next day I don't feel like a pulsating mumble jumble in my head and semi-comfortably numb everywhere else... ironically, I used to spend money to feel like this, back in the day when recreational drugs were more available and I was into experimenting... who'd have thought that I'd grow up (not me, not I) to actually (with the help of legal chemicals and sleep deprivation) get paid to sit around in the same stupor...

maybe I do enjoy my cynicism a little...

yeah, lol...