the kind of fool I am

or: Anthony Newley eat your heart out J

here in RealTime™ I am a fool to turn to the obscurity and elusiveness I play in the babbling brook that is behind the candoor... there I am trusting the muses and leaving myself open to every vulnerability, to any insecurity, to every possibility... there I leave any real power at the door and submit to the winds of chance, to the will of the free associative instincts and influences that I do not claim as my own, but express in words as well as I am able...

but here in RealTime™ I am not supposed to play... here in RealTime™ I am supposed to stop and focus on the real and decide what is true and share the facts of life as I know it, as I live it in the flesh and blood world of real time... and so why should I feel any fear or trepidation in sharing what I do, I mean... what if I experiment or explore some ideas or if I spend my time doing something that is different enough to be suspect or laughed at by the norms of this culture?...

what if I think or do something that might be a waste of time in your mind, or worse, what if I think or do something that you might consider wrong...

and I come to the real...

I write here to share myself with you, not to please you, not to cater to you, not to win you over or earn your respect or seek your judgment...

your opinion does matter to me and I feel powerfully good when I read support or praise or positive words about what I write... that you might accept me as real and worthy of your respect and admiration, that you might believe in me helps me keep hope alive that my dreams really could come true, that there are real people in this world who respect honesty and who believe in sharing as I do...

but if I never read or hear another word, if I never see another sign of feedback, that would not change me...

so why be the fool who hides?... why be the fool who pretends not to feel when feeling is what life is about?... why be the fool who accepts the slow dying that comes from turning off senses and ignoring sensations and repressing emotions and looking past the precious inspirations that are all around us every moment...

and inside...

when I am alone, yes, I dream... I fantasize... I feel my dreams just as if it was the first time I am dreaming them... I do not turn away because time feels so long it becomes a burden... I do not empower time as a burden and fill it with fear and doubt and despair over the perception of failure just because my dream of sharing and loving is not happening in every way it could...

I remember that my dream of sharing and loving is coming true in many ways every moment of every day... in my work, sharing and loving is very real and intensely emotional... and in my aloneness I keep it just as real even if no one shares the intimacy such realness can become...

loneliness?... yes it is real... and yes, I empower it sometimes... but only when I want to use it to create some rhyme, some song expressing an emotion we might share... or when I am a fool and forget I do not have to empower it to despair...

I should remember, keeping it real, that I do not have to do that...

so in this year of 2006 as it approaches 2007 I am alone in the most important moments of life when the intimacy of true love rushes through me and the potential of falling in love becomes real... and as I have done in previous years, I choose to remember times when such love was real and I let the memories inspire the feelings and let the feelings come out in words and if that is odd or laughable or a waste of time for anyone, oh well, change the channel... it is the best I can do in the moment...

so in this moment in RealTime™ I am paying tribute to the memories and reliving the emotions and most of all, experiencing the realness of feeling it all again... and that's the best I can do until someone comes along to share RealTime™ again...

and so because the kind of fool I am is the kind who resists hiding because hiding leads to pretense and the unreal and the kind of fool I am is the kind who wants to keep it real all the time at least somewhere in the moments that become this life... if you have the time and really want to know, for the past 24 hours or so, the realest RealTime™ I can feel has been here...

yay for the fearless exposure of everything inside of me because that is as real as I can be...

and whatever you decide to do, if you make it real too, yay for you J