cuz that would be telling...

Monday’s entry was full of hope
maybe proving I am a dope
Tuesday’s entry was from elsewhere
but it never really got there (or here)
Wednesday’s entry was corporate crap
maybe proving I am a sap
Thursday’s entry was moan and groan
mostly lamenting my being alone
Friday’s entry was more of the same
maybe proving that I am lame
today’s entry has just begun
but have I already spoiled the fun?
or am I just laughing at the sun
maybe I am the only one

I suppose the following should pop most of this entry into other places like body thoughts, mostly dead, behind the candoor, and various other blogs more in tune with the style and flow and content, but then, life is just too dang uneventful to produce any sort of actual RealTime™ entry cuz there's no sharing going on and no different activities than the usual sitting around, walking around, observing, waving hello, smiling, and when I get back to it, exercising (could be tonight is the return to that), and hoping that I always do...

on the other hand, as a wise man one said numerous times, how many ways can I say I love you? (and how many times before it’s watered down so much, it’s meaningless?), which can be easily interpreted without too much stretching (for my purposes here today) into, how many times do you want to hear about the hopeful optimistic search for friends and activity partners and the one that is basically all I do besides working and wandering the web and babbling?... of course it’s a rhetorical question, that’s one of my top ten hobbies, asking rhetorical questions...

but in the hope that the mundane details of life are actually fascinating to some of you because they are my mundane details and that fascination is what makes true friends out of strangers, I continue...

I discovered a new decadent source of food (see?... excitement abounds, dudnit?)... so today, so far, there was rousing cheers and much deliciousness as I tried another Italian restaurant and on first impression, loved it... a NY style, the sauce was delicious (and not skimpy), the bread was closer to NY style (thin, chewy) than most places, the eggplant was fresh and cooked right, as was the spaghetti, the dinner bread was soft and fresh, the stuffed shells were great (a rare treat around here), and an eggplant roll was a special treat as it was excellent... and the delivery was timely and the food was hot... overall negatives showed up as the hero/sub bread a bit too tough and the meatballs a bit bland and skimpy on cheese, which effected the spinach/feta pizza most, but cheese can be added at home, especially in reheating...

yes, I ordered a smorgasbord, or buffet, for most of this country... that's how I try out a new place because I want to get a sampling of most of the foods I'd order from them... of course I don't know how they'd do shrimp or veal or chicken or other stuff, but ordering my favorites in various forms helps give me a decent appraisal of what they can do... and they did great... more often than not a place does not live up to my hopeful and optimistic first impressions every time (like Urban Flats bombed on the second try), but there’s always hope...

now we shall see (well, I shall see, to be precise and real about it... and there’s the rub, aye?) how the body reacts to eating more again as, after almost a week of eating little more than oatmeal and salad, the last three days have turned that completely around with a porterhouse, a T-bone, and now, a major pasta and cheese fix... I did start out with a salad, though blue cheese dressing instead of the fat free Italian I usually put on salads... this is the first test of what might have caused the crazy increase in BP, in case you were keeping track along with me...

so I watched Starman and, naturally, related...

this duality I experience, being someone who actualizes unconditional love and dares to trust in what most might call extraordinary ways and means and levels in this world, knowing what I know, and yet resisting any opportunity to, well, go further... I tell myself it is because I do not want idol worship (shhh, don’t tell ego) and I want one person to believe in me as completely I believe in her in the flesh and blood real world in real time, rather than gathering many followers like others who publicly actualized unconditional love and trust by being open to such experience... each one must find the way themselves and then each will know and sharing can begin... of course it could be I do not come out more due to insecurity or self-doubt because as much as I don’t think so, anything is possible...

knowing and waiting, for telling diminishes, possibly negates security and definitely breeds unnecessary uncertainty which fosters confusion and facilitates misunderstanding and then what (telling?)... oh just look at humanity cuz that’s what’s been tried again and again...

so I watched Serenity and, naturally, related...

the TV provides, sometimes... and HBO, not even the Sci-Fi channel, go figure... of course they’ve got The Prairie Home Companion up next, which appears to be a celebration of the expected foibles that define being human... humans are such sad underachievers... their whole live are based on religious philosophies that support weakness, justify low expectations, sanctify self-destruction, glorify pain, death and fear, and excuse mistakes... no wonder self-pity and egocentric delusion dominates human endeavors, perspective, and history...

yeah, TV provides sometimes... meanwhile, I was perusing through old files earlier today and came across hundreds of letters I’d written during the second peak of my correspondence years... unfortunately, all the addresses and letters I received are in boxes up in storage along with everything produced and collected up to that point (1995), everything except what was lost along the way (in 97 and 01, two different people I trusted with everything I had with me who took all they could leaving nothing but what’s still in storage, alas, humans, aye?)... hundreds of letters, thousands of rhymes... so I got to reminiscing... that’s bittersweet because there’s nobody around to share the history, the words, the feelings, the memories... but still, it’s sweet to remember... maybe I’ll upload some of the rhymes and ramblings somewhere...

I did just slip in an hour at the gym on the LifeFitness machine, Level 8 at 7.8 mph, and pounding through a stitch and fog, I may have more evidence that weight also played a role in the crazy BP of last week... of course if I wasn't trying so hard to be human I'd admit that I control everything and set my BP off just like a kid pulls a fire alarm to confuse and amuse and abuse the general public and myself too, but that would be telling too...

seems this daily life RealTime™ blog has become as rambling (and confoundly eneignmatic at times) as btc... catch up there?... could still happen, but then, a wistful voice asks, for whom... and a laughing child answers for me, silly, who else?... I suppose, for posterity... and for the one... for dreams are all I have now, sweet willow, dreams and their memories... don’t be sad, little flower, rejoice in your life, in yourself... and give yourself completely in all you share, waste not one moment on pity or doubt... and I will remember you...

if only randomly...

forever...

nite :)