drugs kill, medical care kills faster

ok, so just when I really feel like dropping the subject and getting back to positivity, I trip over modern medical care (alas, how abused that word is in our language, care, just one more stupid human trick) and ponder who to trust and what to do next... already turned off by my doctor of six or seven years cuz she seems more concerned about her lawyers than me, I've turned to various specialists with mixed results...

I was against starting a blood pressure medication in the first place because I never had very high blood pressure and wanted to drop weight and get healthier before becoming dependant on drugs, but I gave into the pretense of caring the doctor put on and followed her advise and started her meds...

and now I've got various specialists feeding me mixed messages about what might be causing the slightly elevated results on my blood tests and finally, the specialist for the kidneys suggests changing the medication which is known to cause kidney problems... so I do...

and tonight my blood pressure is insane...

190-something over 90-something...

ironically, my pulse is 54... I mean, I just woke from a nap, so my pulse is a good low rested athelete's pulse... it's usually in the low to mid 60s at work... I suppose that means the heart is doing fine and responding well to the exercise... the blood vessels, on the other hand, are reacting rather violently to the withdrawals from the drugs they became addicted to over the past couple of years...

as far as I can tell, the new med is at a dosage at about 25% of the equivalent old med (and I skipped a couple of doses just to see if the lowering of weight made a difference, but then, gaining 10 pounds back this past week kinda defeated that experiment with too many variables) and today the blood pressure was sick... it's probably been this high for at least 24 hours as the symptoms that lead me to actually check the pressure have been around for 24 hours and were worse last night... weird, my BP goes up at night... see, I am of a nocturnal species and not actually human after all... I wonder if the New Moon played a role...

yeah, so apparently the doctor got this body hooked, addicted to the high doses of blood pressure medications which could likely be destroying my kidneys and liver and instead of possibly suffering a stroke in the next twenty or thirty years, I now possibly have a rapidly increasing death rate from kidney or liver failure...

of course this is just speculation based on the mixed messages from the doctors, the medical education I've gotten personally over the years in schools and hospital work, the PDR on the drugs involved, and Murphy's Law...

the bottom line that has my dander in a duff is that I should have followed my instinct to say no to drugs a couple of years ago when the doctor presented me with the first prescription...

ok, so anyway, wisdom suggests rather strongly that I refocus on dropping the extra weight more than ever now (however can I go to the gym and workout with a 190/90 BP?... of course medical science would say NO!... so what?... eat air?), but it is likely that the most deprived of indulgence healthiest diet and maximum weight loss may not be enough and I am doomed to be chained to wallet-draining drug companies for the rest of this life and ultimately suffer typical human death from side effects a whole lot earlier than I might have left this mortal coil if I wasn't trying so hard to be human...

so this blog is a success! (see sidebar)

ummmm, somehow I don't think I should be celebrating, but therein we have the irony and naked irreverence of my sense of humor, for what it's worth and for anyone who might actually get it...

yeah, so we're in RealTime™ and isn't it fun... an hour after taking on of the old medications (Diovan HCT), which is half the daily dose I used to take, the BP is 177/94... of course that's my left arm... when I want to freak out doctors, I give them my right arm... it is consistently 10-20mm higher and they haven't given me a valid reason for that even when I ask if that means that the blood vessels on that side are more constricted or more clogged or something... lawyers insure that doctors do not give straight answers to anything, you know...

so perhaps in another hour or two the BP will be closer to normal... and I skip the gym tonight, defeating the purpose and therein sealing the coffin better... I always did love a good catch-22... though I always found a catch-23 clause to play with to get around and further complicate the catch-22...

whatever happened to doctors who actually provided medical CARE...

lawyers...

note there's no question mark... rhetorical as it is, the answer is obvious... tomorrow I shall try to reach the Nephrologist who changed the BP med and ask if doubling the dose (at least) is ok with him... I probably need to triple it, at least... if yes, I may just try that for a few days and see what happens... if not, I'll try to reach all the other doctors and see what kind of medical care they recommend... then I may look for yet another doctor... I mean, once you've turned human and become dependent on the medical profession, there's no turning back, is there?...

I'm bored with this... work was training (with actual exercise for a bit as the restraining techniques had to be practiced)... when I left the new computer was disconnected and waiting for the IT person to return from school to try to reach the corporate help desk in Tennessee so some techie could walk her through the steps of installing a slave drive (my old hard drive) in the hope that it was not the cause of the meltdown of the old computer and we might be able to salvage the data from the old drive so I don't have to spend two weeks rebuilding what I can of that work and accept the losses and audit hits for what can not be rebuilt... home early, I napped until an hour ago when I woke with the same headache I had last night (coffee relieved it during the day, but then, coffee would raise the BP, catch-22, so another drug must be tried, maybe)...

so here we are, bored with life and the physical fibles of this body I inhabit, bored with the process if learning to be human, bored with the loneliness and whining and negativity and stupid human tricks and waste and unpleasant struggle of survive... it is not time to die, I think, not just yet, no, one more sweeping romance, at least, one more eternity of unbridled bliss, another Anais Nin (she is beautifully played by a beautiful woman), only without suicide, though, freedom of choice is a beautiful thing too, perhaps, as the illusion of humanity melts away and the illusion of love in all it's innocent sensual wonder envelopes the atmosphere and becomes all there is...

after all, if I must consume drugs, the least I can do is choose a few of my own to experiment with, I mean, why should the professionals have all the fun, aye?... and run miles and miles and miles, after all (again), if my head is going to explode, it might as well explode with the best chemicals of all flowing through it... and maybe I'll find someone running along out there to share that moment of eternity between life and death we sometimes call love... in and out of our minds, of course...

know anybody who wants to play with me? :)