would I contact me?

sitting here in my lonely room, day after day (what's that song?), I pondered the title query and that pondering has not been concluded cuz I am receiving varied answers from different parts of my brain... I mean, if I stumbled into my current entries anywhere on the web, most especially my current entries in my most current of places, 1. here, 1a-1?. several (at least) blogspot blogs not pointed out much so they may as well not exist for the purpose of this query, 2. myspace, 3.btc, 4. md @ lj (other spaces have not been added to in even longer), the question I ruminate is...

would I contact me?

I hear several quick and firm voices simply saying No with no fanfare and minimal, if any, emotion... and yet, those instant answers are rethought within a millisecond when I remember that, though many, if not most, if not almost all would not, I would read the sidebar and prifles and after reading the sidebars and profiles I would want to read more entries before actually concluding a response to the question and it might come down to momentary mood or even a visual (which I don't actually have visible without some looking) as the call might very well depend on the randomness and optimism and irreverence and ambivalence of the mood, which may or may not be best for me (or me as the reader/caller)...

yeah, so my answer is maybe, dunno, pause...

though the most likely yes would come over at myspace, cuz, looking at my recent entries here and quite possibly the bluk of my entries here, I'd probably lean towards no in spite of relating to the sidebar... way too much negative energy flowing about loneliness and lifestyle and living conditions (coming out as physical ailments) for far too long... stagnation does not attract me...

neither does human-ness (so what's the point of all the time and energy spent on learning how to be human?... bordeom again, built also hope that I'd interact more and feel less lonely and yet, the current collective conscious awareness of humanity and defining reality of human-ness is not satisfying to me, so it's been a self-defeating effort and a journey toward failure and I think I've succeeded, and as amusingly ironic as that may be to me at the moment, the futility of the life I've chosen in recent years is not lost in the laughter, at least not on me)...

so in this thought flow I see my current imbalance is primary expressed in the words I've become someone I do not want to trust, someone with whom I would not want to share intimacy...

that really sucks when I feel lonely and long for intimacy and dream of finding the one cuz it means (I think) that the one would have to convince me (maybe go a long way to do that too) that she sees me through all the procrastinating self-defeating self-destructive whining stagnating negative crap and actually understands my personal dissatisfactions and shares the perspectives and would never permanently settle with me as I am at the moment...

so why bother?...

maybe boredom is the best answer, but I want to believe hope is the truest deepest most real answer... and coming out of myself and this introspective musing, you (who comment regularly) keep me believing in communicating through words and so I return to keep in touch (just as I started out on the web more than a decade ago) and hope the one finds me through the words and hope that friends find me to share fun and help me find the one (cuz helping each other make our dreams come true is what friends are for, not just to pass the time and have fun in the moment, right?),,, is this entry getting any more optimistic and positive?...

entries come and entries go... many times (way too many times), entries are popped out two or four or a dozen (or a hundred) at a time and become virtually non-existent before they were ever noticed because, in practical RealTime™ reality, the odds of someone who has time to read it all stumbling by here are ridiculously high and the odds of that person being intimate friend (no less the one potentially) is probably kind of astronomical...

but hope remains?...

yes, if hope did not remain, I would not be here... I would certainly not be repeatedly pointing (and linking) to the many thousands of pages in many archives over the last ten years (cuz the one and I would want to read each other completely and share everything possible)... as much as I live in the moment on the surface and in the daily RealTime™ life, I know that all I am is a history of this (and perhaps many) lifetime(s) and what is recorded, what can be remembered, completes the picture and enhances the moment...

yeah, so if all this made any sense outside of my head, great... and if I was my the one and I read this, I would get it and call me to learn more... that is a good feeling... though I would definitely have serious reservations and sigh because I would be concerned that I would be one more person who needs help, rather than the one who is ready, willing, and able to relate to me completely on every level in every way... that feels not so good... hopefully I will continue to remember why I am here and re-establish the internal balance (that will hopefully heal most, if not all, of the damage done) and get back to living in RealTime™ and not just waiting for it...

I think you get it, I hope you get it, and I thank you for that :)

live a dream today and love yourself :)