in my mind
I am starting to write without uploading again... this does not bode well for any sort of improved communication in RealTime™ or in any time, especially when I start uploading a bunch of entries at once (just look what happened behind the candoor, most of the bunched entries were not even read, alas, timing is everything and the current entry is all most people ever see... the facts of blogging)...
this is due to distraction, mostly... also apathy... and being disconnected... not disconnected physically from the net, the equipment works fine (as primitive as it is), but disconnected from intimacy, from responsibility, from commitment, from people in general... it’s not as if I did not have time to organize the words today, but I let the TV and the couch potato life in this space distract me... so I wrote at least five entries, some babble and four rhymes, and read through some letters I wrote more than a decade ago and found more rhymes to share from there and nothing got uploaded... the apathy plays it’s part in distracting me from the fact that nobody cares here in the RealTime™ and space... it’s so much easier and safer and kinder to me (or so I tell myself) to remain ambivalent to whether I am noticed, appreciated, or shared than to agonize over the aching missing sharing that I so deeply hunger for... and so I am disconnected... cuz staying connected when there’s nothing but silence on the line is painful and pain gets so boring so quickly...
I think I am full of emo... I mean, I’ve got a lot of emo inside... a massive build up of emo... so much emo that it effects everything and breeds confusion everywhere it goes... it could make me so very vulnerable, and yet, it can make me repulsive to strangers who want polite conversation and much superficiality before getting anywhere near emo... I don’t know if I was ever any good at polite conversation and never wanted to be good at superficiality, but I am certain that it repulses me now... so most everyone repulses me and I repulse most everyone... what a predicament (and then I said to myself, stop laughing, I’m serious... but who ever takes that line seriously, right?)...
if you only knew me... if you only knew how I simply will not (I would say can not but, as you may know, I do not believe in can’t) take myself serious when I start playing poor-me music... and when I throw a pity-party, it’s an elaborate costume ball where anything is possible, like a dark cartoon... it’s cuz I believe (and have proven to myself) that anything I want to feel, I can feel and ultimately, I control what this body experiences emotionally within my mind... that is so isolating, to know this, in a world where most everyone does not seem to know...
so I play at feeling sorry for myself cuz I am so alone and misunderstood and different (like everybody else, I suppose) and am amused by the irony and games I play in my mind just to fend off boredom cuz there’s nobody else around to play with (and imagination is an endless amusement park when it’s set free... ever read Stephen King’s Riding The Bullet in a car on a long ride in the middle of the night?... that’s what the TV provided in the background after The 4400 and The Dead Zone and John From Cincinnati... did I mention I am open to distraction? )...
today was a day for laughing at the sun and little else... I did get to the gym again, and I survived and feel good... yay for being alive... the machine said I got my pulse up to 180 during the kick for the last couple of minutes... about 7.2 mph at about Level 11... except for some back stiffness (or the alien parasite disguised as a benign cyst in my right kidney that the doctors refuse to tell me about), all is well...
but that would have been such a short and boring entry, aye?... so I dug deep into my psyche (or imagination... they pretend to be each other sometimes just to keep me amused, or confused, but they wouldn’t do that, would they?) for deep dark secrets and shared more of me with you... cuz somebody really wants to know (there’s always hope)... and I almost forgot to mention that I updated my myspace blog again with an entry and a few rhymes (and one to come tomorrow or so)... can it get more exciting?...
hope today was even more eventful and fun in your world :)
this is due to distraction, mostly... also apathy... and being disconnected... not disconnected physically from the net, the equipment works fine (as primitive as it is), but disconnected from intimacy, from responsibility, from commitment, from people in general... it’s not as if I did not have time to organize the words today, but I let the TV and the couch potato life in this space distract me... so I wrote at least five entries, some babble and four rhymes, and read through some letters I wrote more than a decade ago and found more rhymes to share from there and nothing got uploaded... the apathy plays it’s part in distracting me from the fact that nobody cares here in the RealTime™ and space... it’s so much easier and safer and kinder to me (or so I tell myself) to remain ambivalent to whether I am noticed, appreciated, or shared than to agonize over the aching missing sharing that I so deeply hunger for... and so I am disconnected... cuz staying connected when there’s nothing but silence on the line is painful and pain gets so boring so quickly...
I think I am full of emo... I mean, I’ve got a lot of emo inside... a massive build up of emo... so much emo that it effects everything and breeds confusion everywhere it goes... it could make me so very vulnerable, and yet, it can make me repulsive to strangers who want polite conversation and much superficiality before getting anywhere near emo... I don’t know if I was ever any good at polite conversation and never wanted to be good at superficiality, but I am certain that it repulses me now... so most everyone repulses me and I repulse most everyone... what a predicament (and then I said to myself, stop laughing, I’m serious... but who ever takes that line seriously, right?)...
if you only knew me... if you only knew how I simply will not (I would say can not but, as you may know, I do not believe in can’t) take myself serious when I start playing poor-me music... and when I throw a pity-party, it’s an elaborate costume ball where anything is possible, like a dark cartoon... it’s cuz I believe (and have proven to myself) that anything I want to feel, I can feel and ultimately, I control what this body experiences emotionally within my mind... that is so isolating, to know this, in a world where most everyone does not seem to know...
so I play at feeling sorry for myself cuz I am so alone and misunderstood and different (like everybody else, I suppose) and am amused by the irony and games I play in my mind just to fend off boredom cuz there’s nobody else around to play with (and imagination is an endless amusement park when it’s set free... ever read Stephen King’s Riding The Bullet in a car on a long ride in the middle of the night?... that’s what the TV provided in the background after The 4400 and The Dead Zone and John From Cincinnati... did I mention I am open to distraction? )...
today was a day for laughing at the sun and little else... I did get to the gym again, and I survived and feel good... yay for being alive... the machine said I got my pulse up to 180 during the kick for the last couple of minutes... about 7.2 mph at about Level 11... except for some back stiffness (or the alien parasite disguised as a benign cyst in my right kidney that the doctors refuse to tell me about), all is well...
but that would have been such a short and boring entry, aye?... so I dug deep into my psyche (or imagination... they pretend to be each other sometimes just to keep me amused, or confused, but they wouldn’t do that, would they?) for deep dark secrets and shared more of me with you... cuz somebody really wants to know (there’s always hope)... and I almost forgot to mention that I updated my myspace blog again with an entry and a few rhymes (and one to come tomorrow or so)... can it get more exciting?...
hope today was even more eventful and fun in your world :)
Labels: babble, body, choices, dreams, elsewhere, emo, giggles, gym, hope, lam, lazy, loneliness, love, mtmm, patience, seg, TV, writing
posted by candoor at 11:54 PM
8 Comments:
180's a little high unless yer 12...
go easy eh, don't want to read about you in the weekend warrior section of the obits!
yeah, I was feeling the strain at 160 when I started getting back in shape a few months ago... I took a week off, but usually get down to the gym for an hour of this sort of in-place running at least four times a week... for the first month or two it was every night... and the machine could be wrong, it's just a machine... but I was feeling great as the hour was coming to a close, so I kicked the pace up to 10mph and pumped my arms harder and the machine slowly rose from the 160s to 180 for those last two minutes... since my resting pulse ranges from 45-60 ordinarily, I'm told by modern medicine that I have a healthy heart... it's the other organs that have doctors scratching their heads... especially my brain :)
thanks for not wanting me dead :)
dood you don't have loyal readers, you have loyal commentator:z! oh ur so misunderstood [& lonely] i could cry...
ps: erid d is an ER doc, he'll fix you up w/ a code blue anytime, no worrie:z!
lol Candoor,
the realities of Real Time.
I also sometimes post something I'd like all visitors to read, but alas then comes the next post and pushes the article down, and eventually scrolls off the page.
The alternative is to have a website like blog - with a MENU.
Your most interesting post as HOME
and your other posts as MOST RECENT
or whatever other menu-like list
you know:
Previous Posts
Favourite Posts
Blue Posts
Fun Posts
Bad Posts
etc - lol!
But rarely do we have time to read all the posts, except on those rear occasions when we are surfing with time on our hands and delve deeper into certain posts in a blog or two or three
commentator:z! is good too... are, even...
I know you love me cuz if you didn't love me you wouldn't tell me your don't so often :)
logic is a personal thing, ya know?
I worked ER in the army for a while... scary how many procedures are left for ER Techs to do in an Army ER... totally enjoyed the work, totally did not enjoy the Army though...
and I've long accepted that I write too much for any one person to read everything, unless someone devotes their life to me (I have an opening for her at the moment, if you happen to... yeah, ok, so humor fends off the lonelies without having to go completely numb... better than dying)...
a menu like list... the branches off the tree of madness is kind of like that... as is the blogger profile I just opened... and when you consider that all the journals and blogs are just section three of the crossroads and that's just the online stuff, which is about .01% of what I've written so far in this life, well, you see why accepting no one will ever read it all is wise and how crazy I am to believe someone actually might some day...
crazy romantic heart is better than insatiable ego anytime :)
hope life is fun in your worlds...
and somebody wake up Serenity, she's overslept again
I liked your comment on Quasar9's last post, and thought I would stop by. I'm glad I did.
I know how it feels to wonder if anyone will ever read what you write, let alone "get" it. I don't think you seem boring at all.
I have often felt like a misfit based on emotional depth...or breadth (that sounds a little obnoxious, doesn't it), but I have acquired the ability to speak quite topically. Its a survival tactic, I think. People don't really like to "go there" in general. At least not in my experience.
welcome to my strange and sometimes creepy world... it's home for me, so kind of like the Addams Family or the Munsters or even the Simpson's house, it's seldom strange or creepy to me, but I've been told that a simple warning shot over the heads of newcomers might save me from endless apologies later on...
of course I might not be serious...
but seriously, to respond to your comment, I go anywhere, but seldom stay more than a moment... I tend to return where I am wanted, try not to read minds, and trust my instincts way too much for my own good sometimes...
irreverence is my dingy, pretending to be an ocean liner, as I cruise the seas of change in this world... I'd have used a spacecraft/universe analogy, but my space ship is parked indefinitely on this planet as far as I can tell... or maybe it's a metaphor...
I hope I haven't scared you away cuz I'd like you to stay... have fun today, no matter what they say, it's a wonderful world :)
Post a Comment
<< Home