a bag man

and i reach into one of my many bags of cds and find an old friend... i know a lot of people who've learned to live out of bags have a lot of other stuff in their bags (from those who live on the streets, those most of us pity and in spite of our best intentions, usually avoid if only out of habit... to the people who stand waiting for our groceries at the market... to the old-time criminals who carry the dirty stuff everybody wants, but nobody wants to see or admit they want)... bag people understand, there's much more to life that what is in the bags...

i once had a lot of bags, bags of silver and gold, bags of glitter and glitz, bags of luxury and ease and... i once have no bags at all, almost, and live out of a single bag that was not even my own... and as i look around today at this space i just moved into, i wonder where all these bags came from... and why in the world i carry them around...

but those bags closest, the bags that surround where i sit on all sides, these are bags of magic... for i have oce again accumulated many bags of music as i wander about this world... not nearly as many as i once had and so many sit far away, some may never be found again, but still, many wonderful bags surround me as i sit here writing these words to you...

and into one bag i reached to find a stack of cds i have yet to open, a stack packed six to a wrapper by cd baby (they love me, ya know?) and i love them for their bubble wrap sandwiches full of surprises (cuz i order lots of stuff i never heard of from them) and sometimes months go by between receiving the cds and actually reaching into the bag to open and listen, so i forget what i bought more often than not by the time i am opening the wrapper {and are they making cd wrappers harder to get into these days or is it just my imagination?) and what should i see, much to my surprise...

why it's tom chapin's face looking into my eyes...

the turning of the tide is playing right now, tickling my ears and slapping me all up-sides the head (ironic he's expecting big love to get to me, ha, i know better now... i wonder if amy is married... lol lam run run, he's gone crazy and gonna blow again)

i know what love is
i have lived sacrifice
i have been a martyr
and i've seen love's eyes

i know what love is
and it is always nice
cuz i can always find it
through every disguise

and i know that fear consumes the space
in which love tries to grow
and i shed a tear for the human race
for the love you may never know

and i almost pray to the great unknown
for the will and the way
for the words to say that will take you home
so you can know love today

i know what love is
i have seen it's teeth
i have felt the weight
and i've lived underneath

i know what love is
for i know how to feel
what some will only dream
i know as the real

and i know there's nothing special in me
that isn't just as special in you
and every night i wish you'll wake to see
love is simply what you want to do

and i almost pray to the great unknown
for the will and the way
for the words to say that will take you home
so you can know love today

i know what love is
it's the best thing in you
it's the best thing in me
it's the best we can be

i know what loves is
it's the best thing in me
it's the best thing in you
it's the best we can do

so let's take a moment, take a deep breath
here on this journey between birth and death
to stop all the fighting, the hate and the fear
and give love a chance to be what we share
and give love a chance to make us aware
and give love a chance - just choose to care
and you'll know what love is...
you'll know what love is...
you'll know that loves is...
everywhere

ah, finding that elusive rainbow through the tears again, that is what i find in my bags of this and that, my odds and ends, my music, my love, and my friends...

thank you for being here, there, and everywhere :)

how many times...

i started this entry three four five at least six times and either nodded off or got distracted (mostly nodded off) again and again and (well, at least five times before now, right)... maybe more, but then, who's counting?... ultimately, the excitement for pouring life and stuff inside into words waned quickly as fatigue drowned or swallowed or smothered it night after night this week... there was much excitement, it just waned or whatever quickly as i found myself sitting here asleep often enough to have a stiff lower back by yesterday...

and how many times will i sing the same song, wishing for the one to come and make this world where i belong... and how many times will i dream the same dream, falling in love unconditionally trusting sharing everything... and how many times will i chew on the doubts, will i let all this out, what is this all about... how many times will i wish for a friend, will i wonder if the end is here or just around the bend... how many times will i write the same words, will i write the same words, will i write the same words, will i write the... same words...

i really ought to be sleeping now, but the excitement is winning for the moment... that is the excitement of being, no particular source or inspiration to point to other than just being, which continues to be more excitement as time goes by even with the missing pieces of the puzzle (maybe partly because of the missing pieces of the puzzle?... who's counting?)...

i miss sharing silliness...

really, i miss that more than almost anything... i miss sharing other sorts of excitement too, but the excitement of shareing silliness builds a deeper trust than most sharings, or at least it's just much fun and i miss it more than most sharings at the moment... people just don't seem to be as silly as they used to be when i was younger and even sillier than i am now... maturity really is overrated...

anyway, i am intending to go to Warped Tour tomorrow in st. johns county, almost 2 hours away... that means I should get some sleep, but the excitement seems to be keeping me away so i might just skip sleep and drive out there early, like in an hour or two... of course i do not know anyone into music enough to do this with me, so i'll be enjoying the drive and the day and the energy and the music by myself...

i feel sad for all the people who miss out on this sort of fun energy...

and there is a part of me feeling like giving up, like believing it will be pathetic for an aging rocker to show up along at a most teenager, even young teenage event... i mean, just look at the website messages and even the map that has a "parent drop off" spot marked off... but that feeling passes just as the loneliness passes as it always had in this life... i lament being different from my peers for a moment or few, but as soon as the opportunity comes to have fun, i leave the human norms and cultural expectations behind and ignore the odd looks or occasional stereotypical confrontations and just enjoy the energy and the fun on my own...

and how many times have we (that's me and the voices in my head) traveled this thought path before, aye?... just like the kitchen light never getting turned off or the apartment always being a mess or the junk food junkies influence always around me or anything else i've come to accept about living with humans in this world, it is digested as a distraction and my focus returns to the fun...

so i'll take the loneliness with me instead of sitting at home alone with it and will give up the sleep cuz i got home after midnight (almost 2am) and watched the usa softball team play canada as i typed this entry cuz i guess i wanted to discuss the pros and cons of driving two hours on no sleep then spending a day walking around for 10+ hours in the heat a couple of generations apart from the hundreds or maybe thousands around me with only expensive junk food to eat/drink and then to drive home afterward, alone again, naturally, and probably get caffeine in the body to stay awake and then consider a full day at universal studios on monday, but then, all this thinking is just whining in the end (or bullshit)...

maybe i just wanted an entry posted...

or sympathy for the devil (should i be smiling at that?... well, i've been laughing at myself on and off throughout this entry, so shoulda coulda woulda ya know, i do as i wish {thank you wesley} cuz i love me and enjoy life even with the missing pieces... i will not be taking my trench coat or playing aqualung, though, cuz i doubt anybody there would get the joke :)

besides, i doubt there are going to be any park benches out there...

i hope they are not sold out before i get there (a fine time to consider that possibility, aye?)... ah, my amusement with myself continues to amuse me and there's reason enough for me to babble on, but hopefully you are finding the reading worth your time as well... i shall find time to catch up on the week and all the days missed along the way as i nodded off or did not have time, someday, ya know... and how many times have we sang that tune too...

ironically, i spend last night reading through the past as in the diaryland diaries, and realize there are so many more words, from pathos to amusement, than i usually relate to on a day to day basis and so many words to share if ever i find the playmate who wants to know me the way i want to know and share a playmate... awesome (and not just alex) task, perhaps even daunting, but still...

the excitement continues to build...

as many times as it takes :)

did i say sleep?

i ought to nap a little, at least, but i am still up doing laundry and bouncing around excited about this, that, and the other thing... more than the previous entry, but that too... life is just more exciting when it's fun... and hope is high, very high, higher than it's been in many years and there's really no reason except for whatever is generating it inside... my choice, of course, but still, more fun when i make it than when i don't... or something like that...

wish someone was here to share these bouncing around sleepless nights, but even the lonelies are fun at the moment... yay for the perspective that gets me here :)

hpop you are having fun out there :)

less activity = less sleep

but that is not good for the head or the body... so i am currently meeting with myself and the others who often occupy the head i know as mine in this life to discuss the recent years of vegetative suicidal choices (like eating the typical national diet, for one) and hopefully in a non-specific amount of linear time i shall emerge from the deliberations with a new drug attitude and determination to actualize myself, instead of coalescing with the status quo around me...

maybe a flight of fancy out to the west coast would help...

but for the moment, between headaches and body stiffness from poor diet and lack of exercise (and age?... no, we shall not accept any concept of oldness or giving up on the anything is possible philosophy today... ok, that's good), i shall observe the conference call between my ears and hope for the best...

or to say it a slightly other way:

ok, so i found a few rhymes rolling out today, between TV distractions (Precious wanted to watch American Idol) and talking to this body that is being quite distracting of late, what with the hamstring and bloatedness and in the past twenty four or so hours, adjusting to a dietary change of eliminating processed sugar and fat crap and starting to eat healthier food which is usually accompanied by a lingering frontal lobe headache (and tonight is no exception)… hopefully i will maintain discipline and move through this initial stage to the change of habit stage and maintain it for a few months in spite of the unhealthy influences around me (near and far)… anyway, the rhymes, like the videos and other thoughts that grow on the branches off the tree of madness (see right sidebar) will find their way out on the web somewhere when i find time and motivation to figure out where they belong…

well that was a little different, anyway...

inter-cranial round tables almost always emit rhyming particles, it's basic bio-chemical-physics as far as i am concerned... i should listen to my own music now and then… most of all, i must stop waiting for someone else to come along to lead me back to where i belong... almost nobody cares that much (and it's rare to meet an almost nobody, especially in real time in real life offline)... so even though i do not particularly want to do it all by myself all over again (haven't we been in this loop a few times in this blog alone?... stupid is as stupid does... but i am an innocent man, and it's not just a song... amazing, isn't it?... so many layers, levels, statues without limitations... all spiced with self-mockery, naturally, of course, ya know... who could ever connect to them all... no less it... yeah, that magical mystical it, not IT, or even it, but simply it... and the boy asked, "all of it?" and the other spoke, "no need to say all of it, for it is all..." and i wander off into the conversation no one is part of outside of my mind, so excuse me whilst i close this parentheses and continue the blog entry without me)...

i wish you peace, i wish you love
i wish you dreams that you dream of
i wish you time to live and share
i wish you someone there to care
someone who knows you through and through
someone who gives the same to you
someone who creates the ultimate two
someone who makes all your dreams come true

even if it's almost nobody who can, i hope you find your almost nobody... soon :)

and the world still spins around

just sitting here feeling bloated and stupid and so tired i hardly know i am excited as i am opening CD boxes cuz part of the massive order arrived… the CD order… from BMG music service… i joined and finally started feeding my addiction to collecting music again… the ten thousand vinyl recordings in storage may be warped by now… the few thousand CDs and video tapes might be damaged as well… and i am probably spending a small fortune on CDs that i already have in storage… but impulse and self-indulgence wins another battle of the budget (as if i think about it much)… i think the self-indulgent part probably had something to do with all the money i've been handing others lately and it reminded me of all the money i handed others over the years and I decided it was another one of those rare my time moments… maybe someday all the people who asked to borrow money from me will pay me back and i can retire for good… i could if they did, so as long as what goes around really does come around, i've got a great retirement fund somewhere out there…

yeah, humans are that honest, trustworthy, considerate, and fair… that is sarcasm, in case it wasn't clear… ultimately, humans i've met lie to themselves and therein each other so much they couldn't tell integrity from bullshit if it hit them in the face… but that's life here in this planet and even though i still have hope for humanity cuz i know the potential of an aware heart and mind, i accept people as they are and continue being myself, which means giving most of the time cuz giving and helping others feels good and every now and then, treating myself to stuff i want…

and suddenly, i found this political game (and you know how i love to take quizzes cuz they are so random and dramatically sarcastically irreverently irrelevant) cuz i am also glancing up at emails while opening CD boxes… note that i said opening CD boxes… i haven't gotten to the cases yet… i bought something like almost two hundred CDs… impulse and self-indulgence, remember?… meanwhile, the elections are madness as usual, but then, humans are doing it and, well, you know… the political game said Mike Gravel, Hillary Clinton, and Barach Obama are the ones closest to my views… who is Mike Gravel?... Alaska, oh, that explains it… hello Alaska, how are you?...

i did not eat from Tuesday night to tonight… and i bounced for hours at the Hard Rock on Wednesday night and i played softball and ran hard (two for two with one run scored, pitched five innings but we lost cuz the other team hit the ball well and our fielding was pitiful) on Thursday night, and then tonight i pushed out to the wine tasting with the hope of maybe finding some dinner companions to inspire me to eat a healthy meal but nobody wanted to go so i called Rasputin and he suggested my favorite Italian place and so i did and feel stuffed and stupid because i destroyed the three day fast effects in a half an hour of binging… though i did drink only water and did not get any chocolate or anything and there has been some seriously delicious imported chocolate truffles on my desk all week and i stopped eating those on Tuesday along with everybody else…

so is TLC (which I think is The Life Channel) really anti-semitic and is anti-semitism really such a bad thing and does your answer really depend on your religious beliefs and is TMZ the trashiest show on television or what?... do people actually watch this pandering to the lower most unaware and superficial aspects of humanity (and that is even lowering standards of intelligence and consciousness much further than my statements above about humans)… sheesh, the proof of human ignorance is everywhere, but even the aware ignore it,,, or take advantage of it, which makes those who do even lower on the conscious awareness totem pole than those who feed off stories of Brittany or other celebrities being, oh yeah, human…

there must be an easier way to open CD cases… yes, i have started… i have opened four… i would love a computer software CD player burner that actually catalogued the CDs uploaded to the hard drive like a database would so it could be sorted, filtered, and searched better… and printed, heck, why the heck doesn't someone make decent software to print file lists, especially song lists… maybe there is one out there, but i've tried a lot and haven't found one so far… so i am uploading the CDs as Apple lossless encoder cuz i am told that is the best for transferring CDs, though i wonder how wav files compare… they are certainly a lot bigger than even 320 kbps mp3s… i may need another 500GB drive soon… or eventually… i don't think i am that self-indulgent just yet…

we are up to seven CD cases opened with the sixth of them loading on to the drive now… and there really must be an easier way to get through the plastic and seals… i am suddenly missing vinyl albums much more now… but i continue to be used by the economic powers like most everyone else as i buy duplicate CDs and further spend money on Re-releases and Re-Re-Releases in SACD format that will eventually be Re-Re-Re-Released in an even better digital format… and speaking of better formats, the m4a format that Apple uses will not play in an ordinary mp3 player, so i am wondering if it will play in a normal CD player… i may have to re-burn all these CDs to the hard drive again, or use two different hard drives, when i finally get a CD burner that works, that is…

meanwhile, in many ways i was a very happy camper back in 2000 when i returned to Florida and started rebuilding my CD collection… it took a while to trust material stuff again, especially burned music, because of the Toronto experience when the person i trusted most in the world refused to return my mix tapes that chronicled the history of my psyche and experiences and thoughts and feelings and being in this life… trusting the material world was not an easy recovery, but i did start again… and now, again… cuz the new collection of CDs i started in 2000 was not returned by someone who i trusted to secure them for me… another test of my ability to actualize unconditional trust and another human proving that humans cannot be trusted with unconditional trust… and still i dream of sharing such trust (fool) and now, again, i start collecting stuff… some of the same stuff i purchased at least three times before… so i got tired of waiting for someone to share and am rebuilding my collection, albeit in tiny spurts, all by myself… ah, the lonely songs play loudly and strongly now…

ah, dontcha just love it when i let the brain meander randomly through the memory cells in between the momentary distractions of multitasks of relatively meaningless and ridiculously superficial daily life stuff when vegetation is the dominant activity?... yeah, rhetorical question… oh, the drama… ah, the sarcasm… bless the laughter… and so i started an Access database to keep track on the CDs… so i can spent hours and hours typing in the names and info from each CD in my spare time (which is sleep time) for weeks… the organizer in my head loves the idea… the peanut gallery laugh at the futility…

meanwhile, what a week… like, wow...

I'll try to catch up tomorrow… i think i decided to sleep in for as long as i can… so don't let it get you down, it's only castles, you know… I mean the downbeat memories, don't let those get you down… they are said, yes, and at times excruciatingly painful even today, years later, because the brain remains acutely aware of loss of visceral contact and the missing pieces of the puzzle that created me… and i am not afraid to feel it all, so i repress none of it… i simply slide the memories and therein the feelings in and out of prime consciousness as it suits me so i can focus on the moment, whether the moment is creating completely new experiences to fill memories cells or whether the moment is to dust off and therein physically re-live older memories… it is all part of mental house cleaning and organizing the billions of cells that try to contain this being i know as me…

if you want to linger in the sad or painful paragraphs, that is your choice… i linger for a day or few every now and then when i have the time and rhymes and writings such as those in the lands of the mostly dead come from those deep ventures into the darker memories… it's quite cathartic and i miss it at times like these when i do not have the time for a year or few… but if we look at the bigger picture, there is so much excitement and peace and acceptance and wonderfulness going on inside and around me all the time that those painful memories clean up quickly in the brief paragraphs that express them and i am wiping the tear and bouncing into the present even before the paragraph(s) are done… if you understand this, then perhaps you understand a bit more of me and what i call the methods of my madness which is a cavalier way of describing the uniqueness that is my identity and how i approach, experience, and resolve/retain myself and my experiences throughout this life…

all in all, i am still having too much fun to want it to end… thank you for sharing part of the journey with me through our writings and interactions here and at your blogs... i enjoy the moments we share and miss it when i am away for a few days... take care of you... and i hope you experience life in a way that is satisfying and full and wonderful to you :)

time in a bubble

if i could save time in a bubble
the first thing that i'd like to do
is to save every breathe you take in my life
and return every one back to you

if i had a sack full of wishes
and dreams that would never come true
to find any of yours buried in there would be
the last thing that i'd want to do

so i hope to find just enough time to laugh and play
and dream that i might find you
i've been around enough to know that you are
someone i want to give time to

and bubbles too

i just called to say i love her.. yes i do, so there, i am a fan, and happy with it… of course i'd love to love her in person and be a friend and travel with her and learn and experience and teach and grow with her too… who knows, we might even fall in love… or not… but there's a friend in there, i feel it… one more friend who may never know the reality of sharing consciously, but still, the world is a better place…

meanwhile, i should so be asleep, valley girl style… twenty four hours at work in the past two days and last night was a late night football cuz as we all know, Raspy bleeds Ohio State colors and tonight was a night out for trivia thanks to Curtis and the film meetup group so sleep would be ultra wise, uber even… massively fatigued, i be… but fun having, am i… playing with words and life loving so gleefully… just to know such a spirit exists and plays out there inspires me to play right in here…

and to think that just yesterday i wrote:

ignorance is not bliss,
it is confusion portrayed as something amazing or profound
wow, aye?... or rather, wow, huh?... yeah, big difference, if you know what i mean… but now, a billion light years later, everything is beautiful in it's own way and i make funny faces on mudpies in the puddles of life… cuz that's more fun than feeling sad about the mess… humans may or may not get their act together before the species becomes extinct, but passing up the chance to enjoy the time here no matter what is going on is about the most foolish waste of time i can imagine… and yet, who doesn't?... at least sometimes… but just because most do it mostly all the time, there's no reason i have to… so there…

thanks dh, for once again inspiring me to come out to play…

and how are your dear people in the land of blogging today?... are you sad?... can i make a funny face or stand on my head to help you smile?... and if you need no help, yay for you and thank you for sending out the joy through your smile… may you find much glee in your wanderings today…

and love life :)

almost waking dreams

the ones that inspire catharsis, emotion, deep thought, enlightenment, laughter, tears, and the feeling of being alive... these are the movies and songs and arts and crafts and activities and experiences and things that i can call my favorites and to narrow any sort of list to less than a hundred in any specific category or genre is a waste of time unless someone is doing it with me for the fun of it or even better, for the sharing and learning and loving and potential intimacy of it…

but that's another time (thank you harry) and place…

and i woke early, still sleepy, but too awake to fall back deeply so i came to write and communicate but there is no one around so i just write and leave the words for posterity, or you, if you have the time and care to pay attention… i could step out into the 40 degree temperatures and run, but there may be (and ought to be) a bit more sleep ahead before the sun rises, especially since i have a movie tonight and will try to make it to a run on Wednesday evening and then softball on Thursday and then, the weekend again and i've been busy every day and night the last few weekends in spite of the lack of energy in this space, so rest and most especially sleep is a very excellent idea… i fell asleep before 11pm last night, which is exceptionally early for me… so i am semi-awake, but may close my eyes and drift off for another hour any moment now…

and in moments like these

i miss you most in moments like these
when i wake and wish to cuddle and coo
old-fashioned, maybe, or just emo, you know
it doesn't matter what anyone thinks
or what it's called
i miss you missed in moments like these
and that is all

and yet i wonder if i will ever again find the comfort in another that i find in myself or even come close enough to trust another as unconditionally as i have in the past in this life… or will i remain alone again, naturally, forever… i remember the sharing well… and smiling tears bring cathartic breaths to waking dreams…

yes, i know, there is too much… too many different thoughts in most entries… too much information… most of the humor is drowned in the words… most of the detail is swamped by the plethora of, well, more detail… it's a self-defeating cycle for the child who babbles who wants conversation, who wants interaction, who wants receipt and reciprocation and acknowledgement and communication… this is why i should keep the entries to a single topic, a single paragraph, even, for anything beyond the first thought is often lost in the waves of distracting asides…

just like the branches on the tree of madness…

and speaking of different thoughts, the voluntary human extinction movement is making more sense to me with each passing year… and it very well could be that in spite of my dreams and desires i've always felt were my deepest, there may be an even deeper calling inside of me that cares even more for a bigger picture approach and understands the universe a lot better than even i let on in even my most profound babbles… or this could simply be painting the target around where the arrow lands…

a wild few hours of continuous mindless sex, on the other hand, would be wonderful…

and yet i wonder if i will ever again find the turn on in another that i find in myself or even come close enough to want another as uncontrollably as i have in the past in this life… or will i remain alone again, physically, forever… or will i settle for compromise… and wistful sighs bring patient smiles to sleepy dreams…

so many words poured out in the few moments i woke this morning and they seeped into all sorts of openings still breathing (or bleeding?... or watering) the written gardens… and yet i wonder when will the right one come along… looking for the right one, right Art?... cuz it's all i ever needed, right Elton and Bernie did too, right Harry?... it's just a song for myself, after all…

just like all these words…

g'morn :)

lost in the details

I suppose it can get to seem to be that way sometimes, or at least feel like it is, whatever that means, but that's ok because the cream rises to the top, but even then, still sours more quickly than powdered milk, and still, can turn into yogurt and cheese...

but before we get too lost in the obscurity (which may be the opposite of getting lost in the details, even if it's too late), I reflect on z (which appears in my latest newest concept for a blog which I won't mention much, maybe, because it's purpose is to be a referral archive and not a blog of it's own nature if you follow the concept of saving blog entries I link in that blog space so the links in my entries will not be broken if the original blog entry is deleted as I've long since learned so often is the case on this www, but this parenthese distracts from the point and the reflecting I was about to relate, so it shall end {the parentheses, not the reflection, I hope} now)...

I am sometimes amused, sometimes amazed, sometimes puzzled, sometimes saddened to find the consistency in human behavior that so much mind energy is devoted to repetitive processes... perhaps there is virtue in the old adage that practice makes perfect and those who seek perfection can take some solace or even pride in the redundancy of human actions and that may be one reason I am not always saddened or puzzled too much and perhaps even pleased at times, but then, my reaction is moot in the big picture and even more to the point, in my reflection when I attempt true objectivity (which may be an impossible dream, but I enjoy the perceived impossible sometimes and then, isn't that my chosen redundant behaviors after all)...

so the music repeats itself even as the songs change... even as the singers and musicians change... even as the languages change... even as the times change... and the cartoons repeat themselves much the same... and the philosophies, that's the most ironic redundancy of all as we, with our advanced technological perspectives and evolved minds, still ponder the nature of life, the universe, and everything as if the answer has not been stated repeatedly in almost infinite ways since the dawn of time as we know time... and those of us to are seeking enlightenment (and those who are considered enlightened) continue to reiterate the same merry-go-round of thought as if we still haven't gotten it just right (and by this very action, perhaps prove it)...

still, it turns me on...

most of the time, at least... and I wonder how many of the teachers and prophets and wise men and sages who stand up to lead others in their quest for something more really understand the attempt to teach in and of itself is an obstacle to the enlightenment the supposed students seek... but few, if any, have the will (or courage) to leave the temple, to stop the rhetoric, to smile and go on living and leave the students to do the same (which is the ultimate lesson, living is learning, that only begins when all the teaching stops)... for teaching, in it's nature, subjugates a group to be students being lead by another... and an enlightened life, in it's nature, frees an individual to open his/her own mind to lead him/her to live in the moment and learn by living...

it is not that I can not learn from others, it is that the only true learning comes when I am my own teacher welcoming what others can offer as fellow students, not as entitled, subjective or worse, falsely empowered stereotypes...

but what of RealTime™ (we all wonder at once)...

perhaps next time :)

the difference

I suppose the difference between genius and brilliance and mumbo-jumbo or ordinary rambling is finding the right words to express whatever it is being thought or felt... sometimes (often, he says almost bashfully) I feel so brilliant as I am tapping on the keyboard and then I look up to find words that let me down in their composition and content... and sometimes (not quite as often) I read my writing and feel like I wrote something truly brilliant, but even then it is rare that anyone else sees what I see in the words and that's disappointing, but no reflection on you, dear reader...

it is possible that my thoughts are not quite so brilliant as I think and it is very likely that my writing skills are far from adequate to produce reflective brilliancy in words even if I have a brilliant thought...

but I enjoy it and that is why i continue and that is what matters to me... except for feeling lonely in life, everything is wonderfully beautiful in my mind...

when I feel the loneliness I can come off as very unappreciative because I want what I want right now (then) and I can feel so alone and look around in physical space and see that nobody really is here caring and understanding and listening to me, no less sharing perspectives and bonding...

when I post those whiney or mopey or even angry words, please do not take the selfish child too seriously, especially do not think the resentment or poor-me spitting is aimed at you... I don't mean to spit that dissatisfaction anywhere near you, but I do want to express it and record it as it is an accurate reflection of the me I experience in daily life... and alone, with no one to smile at me and pull me out of it, I can slide into a rant of sorts about how mean life is because it does not provide a partner for me...

I appreciate you tolerating my tantrums (if they can be called that since they are rather off the beaten path at times) and returning to reassure me that you care... you make the difference between my writing in a vacuum for only myself and my believing I might have something worth saying when you show me that caring is real in this world...

now go read the next entry below cuz I just wrote that a few hours ago and much more reflective of how today (Saturday) was and how I feel right now (ironically, I did go back to the library thing, but found it was shut down for routine maintenance and that's why the browser choked, which amazes me cuz this computer hasn't browsed that much without choking ever so yay to the universe for providing this reflective moment)...

I love you for sharing with me :)

and the excitement continues to build

catch up with me tomorrow night as I hope to update this daily life by filling in the days that passed... until then, there's some catching up going on already, but I really ought to put the body to bed... if only I'd listen to the older voice in my head :)

yeah, so anyway, despite the timestamp on this entry, it's closing in on 4AM again and the excitement of searching for computer components all weekend (and therein putting systems together and playing with them in my mind) and listening to music on this old computer (cuz that's what the new computer would be about, largely, returning to music) has me wired...

all the delicious food I ate this weekend doesn't help as the body definitely has the excess energy to burn that makes my natural high all the higher... if only this body had the same metabolism as the brain, I'd never gain a pound...

yes, so anyway, I just may pop some entries out here or somewhere tonight as the word and idea bubbles are fozzing around my head and dancing in my eyes and being so lonesome and longing to share the moments isn't enough of a depressing additive to quell the inate excitement of being me alive and well...

and the music... The Lines, The Shins, Elton John (and his eclectic duets), Garbage, John Lennon, Plain White T's, Dia Frampton, The Cure, Lisa Loeb, Manchester Orchestra, Rilo Kiley, Sherwood, The Dresden Dolls, The Beatles, Snow Patrol, so many others (I wish I could put the current playlist online for you to browse through and play for yourselves... even a couple of hour-long mixes some people (complete strangers) put together and sent me because they read how much I love and miss music... someday, with the computer and the time...

from Mr. Jesus sung by an anonymous little girl to Squared by Graydon Square (serious atheist rap) to a poetry slam phone call labelled March 23 2007 to Blind Faith's Had to Cry Today to John Cale's Hallelujah to a raunchy song called Kitty Cat by Who Cares (that's a group, I presume, not a judgment) to Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars and Death Cab For Cutie's I'll Follow You Into The Dark...

and just as much as it can wake me and shake mne and get me aching and remind me of how weird and crazy life (and the people in it) can be, sometimes best music reminds me of just how sweet life can be when love is permited and empowered to prevail over all else...

I hope that happens to you...

often :)

and the days go by alone

and I lament about this Windows 98 computer that crashes at least once an hour and resets all my configuration in MS Word and Internet Explorer and wonder why I put up with this Microsoft crap, but then, I don't want to spend thousands on Apple stuff (there's the answer) and other browsers won't stop all the Windows crashes and limit the browsing that can be done and I find browsing fun... and there's one of the justifications for not buying an up-to-date computer, I doubt Microsoft crap will crash any less with all the browsing I do so why spend a thousand or more on Microsoft crap... I don't have anything invested in this old machine so if it crashes or gets worms or viruses or whatever, it's easily replaceable... so I put up with resetting my preferred options and passwords every few days, or more often...

and I lament about being alone now and then (more often, perhaps, do I not notice?) and there's another reason not to go high tech with the computer because I might spend even more time than I do sitting here tapping at the keys in the hope that someone will respond with meaningful communication and humor (like you do most days) and sharing that will change my life and then I might not even get the three or four hours sleep I do get most nights... but the social world "out there" holds little to interest me these days...

and I lament about the days that go by without comments, without notice, without any meaningful smile even as even those around me in time and space rarely make eye contact or acknowledge the depths of our beings because, I suppose, it is so much simpler to just vegetate and gloss over emotions and dance the superficial dance that humanity dances these days (how else can we get away with the greed, corruption, lies, cruelties, hypocrisies, atrocities, and self-destruction we've come to support, accept, or ignore all around us (remember to pay your taxes so we can send more bullets to Iraq and please don't feel for the homeless guy on the corner, he smells bad after all and it's ok if New Orleans never gets rebuilt and kids actually starve to death in this land of the free and home of the brave, we're too busy stealing from other countries while pretending to be saving the world to notice our own empire crumbling under our feet...wave the flag boys, and shoot those damned hippies before they breed and start that 60's all over again)...

and I want to care, really I do, and I do for a moment or few in many different ways... in words that tear out my heart and cleanse old wounds and renew hope and faith in love... in using my creativity and professional skills to improve care and services for kids who have really messed up families (or none) and cruel lives by improving the system of care that provides them with a home and therapy... in listening to people, hearing, empathizing, and trying to form a response that might help them feel better and find a more positive view on themselves, life, and everything... by accepting life as it is and trying to be a hopeful and meaningful part of it...

and still, through the empathy and catharsis and expressions and good deeds (feeling secure that I do provide a positive energy and presence and feeling good about that), I sometimes feel so lonely... and it is easy for me, being secure and comfortable and unafraid of how I appear to anyone, to find humor and levity and silliness and the lemonade in the lemons I've stumbled upon (and squeezed) in this life (even when one squirts full strength right into my eyes)... but still, there are times when I am feeling so vulnerable that singing so lonesome I could cry (or die) just doesn't cut it and I just want to sleep until someone comes along to actually share life (and "save me" from the aloneness as days go by alone over and over and over again)...

until this decade, I was not quite this alone in the world... I always had a friend around, a best friend who shared intimacy and understanding and appreciation for at least some of the essential core aspects of life and me that let us feel we were not alone in this world... it's a numbing pain to realize those few intimates are out of touch now... the feelings did not end, just the daily sharing doesn't happen anymore...

and I wonder what good it does to express the aching hunger, to try to express the void of desire that fills me and keeps me awake some nights... and most nights my answer is that it does little or no good to dwell on what isn't, it's a waste of time to lament over what is missing, and I focus on enjoying what is and the fun and amusements and meaning I can find in this life, as days go by alone...

and I wonder if you ever listened, and I mean really listened and heard the words to Billy Joel's song, Honesty... anyone can comfort me with promises again, I know... and how I know... but I no longer want to settle for comfort at the expense of deeper connections and more meaningful sharing... so yes, anyone can but I resist letting it happen... and The Carpenters mock me with the words I know I need to be in love, I know I've wasted too much time, I know I ask perfection from a quite imperfect world, and fool enough to think that's what I'll find...

there are so many songs that say it so well, expressions of my deepest experiences, perspectives, desires, dreams... it's been years since I sang them, years since I felt them deeply, years since I came close to sharing them... and if you've read my intimate rhymes and/or my expressions of love and hope, you might wonder how I can say this... do I pretend when the optimism and/or passions pour out into words?... yes and no... I pretend the sharing, imagine and remember sharing the passion (for sharing makes it all more real)... but the hunger for the passion and the will to optimism is real, even in the depths of lament or questioning or self-analysis... I just know how much more I can feel when I share the hope, dream, optimism, passion, and love in the physical world and all the words pale in comparison to the sensory memories... and all I do seems superficial compared to all I know I can do...

I appreciate the praise I receive from others here on line and in my professional life... I treasure every positive word, I soak up every bit of attention (you may have noticed)... I do not mean to belittle or demean or in any way diminish the power of words or the importance I give to the work I do or the sharing that does happen in this life on and offline...

I just know that when everyone goes to bed and after all is said and done, I simply want more... it's always been this way in this life for me as far back as I can remember (and we trail back to the instinctive thoughts of infancy to find the same string tugging at me... more sharing, more intimacy, more passion, more intimacy, more energy, more love, more intensity, more optimism, more realism, more hope, more courage, more devotion, more fearlessness, more determination, more silliness, more seriousness, more irreverence, more reverence, more humor, more tears, more laughter, more bonding, more creativity, more curiosity, more innocence, more honesty...

more...

and days go by alone, but what aches infinitely more, now that I work what most would call a normal workweek, are the nights going by alone... at least the days are full of distractions, challenges, interactions, opportunities, meaning - no matter how impersonal or superficial or insane or unreal it can get sometimes, it is something... and the nights go by alone with only my imagination to play with, with only the visuals and sounds on TV or the CD player or the internet to amuse me, with only my words to let me know I am here...

and the nights go by alone and I wonder why
do I have to feel so lonesome I could cry
and the nights go by alone and I sit and sigh
is there nothing left to do but write and die

and the nights go by alone
and the days are full of distractions
and the memories all fade
as the days provide fewer attractions
and the nights go by alone
and the days are full of repetitions
and the fantasies fade
as life becomes a dance of attritions

it doesn't make any sense anymore
I wonder if it ever did all along
nothing seems to feel like it did before
I don't know where everything went so wrong
how long can I keep feeling this emptiness
this longing for something more
while being alive is still my happiness
I feel I missing something... missing what I'm alive for

and the nights go by alone and I sing my song
will I ever know the sharing I dream of
and the nights go by alone and I try to be strong
for I don't want sympathy... I want to love and be loved
I don't want your pity... I want your love

and the painted ponies go round and round... hello... hello... hello... is anybody in there?... just nod if you can hear me... is there anybody home?... you may be nodding out there where I can not see you... I cannot be you... how can we feel less alone?... there is this space that I am feeling..,. a wish that something calls from the horizon... you are only coming through in words... I can't see your lips move or read your curves... all I can do is mimic this song, whether it is right or wrong, I don't care, judgments don't belong in this, do you know what we miss as we become... comfortably numb...

and it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right, where I belong I'm right, where I belong... so I go on as the nights go by alone, dreaming my impossible dream, walking on through the wind, through the rain, doing it my way... and memories and music (words, songs) keep me in touch with the emotions so seldom shared, but always the reason I am alive... being alive... something more... what I'm alive for...

but don't let it bring you down dear people cuz it's only castles burning and when you find someone who's turning, you will come around to know the bliss that life is about... when you find someone who needs, someone who feels, someone who sees, they will find you... you know they're out there somewhere... hold on, hold out, for when you know you've got a real friend somewhere, suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear... let go of the fears of the past and see the possibilities of today because it's hard to find a new dream with an old one in your eyes... you can be saved by the music, like I am...

and the nights go by alone and I sit here awake, reading, writing, hoping, longing, feeling... open to the universe and anything that might send some positive feedback, so sign that I am not the only one (I know I am not, but the reassurance feels good)... I stay awake just to watch you sleeping, you know, cuz I don't want to miss a thing...

nite nite my far away friends... may you dream your fondest dreams tonight and when you wake, may you find your way to make your dream come true :)

welcome to the living room

and when no one wants to hear your song
sing it softly to yourself in your mind
and when no one wants to understand
compromise and remember to be kind
and you'll find
you can always find yourself in your mind
you can always find your peace in your mind
you can always find your love in your mind
you can always find your song in your mind
I am feeling slightly crushed at the start of this entry, but not so much so for I have learned to expect this here... Raspy works 2AM to Noon with Tuesday and Saturday nights off, so he sleeps every evening (bedtime is about when I get home from work) except some Saturday nights (when he can stay awake, which isn't often when I think about it)... and now that I work what is basically a 9-5 weekday gig, there is no time in this space to turn up the music and sing with all I've got... that makes it very challenging to call it my home and therefore, in many ways, it isn’t... just one more reason I've not actually moved in to this space...

apparently, in a rare moment of Friday night bliss after re-reading the optimism of the previous entry and visiting you guys (and listening to some Elvis Costello and drifting back to very early candora and my own seldom played {these days} heart-strings), I put on a Harry Chapin CD... Legends of the Lost and Found... ah yes, the Stranger With The Melodies called me out... and I almost started singing (what I mean is, I started singing and almost found my voice again... and I am not sure if you know what I mean, but when you find your voice and sing from deep within, physically and ethereally, no matter how softly you sing, the flimsy walls of an apartment are nothing and the sound energy passes through with ease)...

for a brief few moments, I forgot the mostly dead life I've become accustomed to living while sharing space in recent years... a life in which creativity is a spectator sport and I try to suppress energy (including the singer) so as not to intrude upon the other's spaces so they can watch TV and sleep and do what they will... and when doing that, suppressing a voice and still trying to sing, well, the singing is not very good... in fact, as Harry would suggest, it sucks... and it leaves one open to honest appraisal (criticism) of a half-hearted attempt at carrying a tune, even ridicule...

and it woke Rasputin, so he came out to the living room to sleep...

so I stopped singing again because I never really got started and the space is not available for a voice... the TV goes back on, Precious wants to watch Bill Maher (a mind I often enjoy listening to as well), and Rasputin sleeps... welcome to the living room...

the irony, or perhaps it is synchronicity, is I found words that reached deep into my sleeping psyche in Pernickety's entry and out popped these thoughts:

the scariest thought I ever heard come from my mind was what you said, maybe if you become them, you'll understand...

in my own way, many times, out of loneliness, out of desire to please, out of compromise, out of desire for peace, out of so many well-intended reasons, I tried every way i could to become them, to fit in, to share what they shared, to feel less alone in this world...

nothing worked for long... I always sobered up - or woke up... and everything was the same... they were in what seemed to me to be a fog of pretense and hypocrisy and I was sitting on the sidelines of their games wondering what they got out of them, for they left me unsatisfied and often, feeling stained, corrupted, tainted, spoiled, even dirty...

ah, stop messing with my mind...

yes! :)

if you understand what I just said, thank you for sharing this smile :)

and here we are... unsatisfied with the life offline... feeling the music, feeling closer to the singer and the song, and finding no space to let the song energy out... so I come back to the words and keep the music in my head... it feels just as good, just in a different way... physical, but not as physical... real, but not as real... a compromise that allows some sharing, but just not all the sharing I'd like... I've lived alone and sung to the empty space, even sang to my dog, and somehow, as wonderful as it was for the body and spirit, it was so dang lonely...

so there are these moments when I miss singing space and I mourn the distance that has grown between the singer in me and the person I am in daily life, but I've come to terms with my decision to share space and therein share what I can share (which depends on those around me), even if it means suppressing some of the physical joy I can experience and share in this life rather than live alone and "share" only with myself... so like Mr. Tanner, I sing softly to myself... sitting here at the computer I sing through the written word and softly to myself, and to Wacko and the MTV Spaceman, two of my most loyal long-time fans who sit on my monitor smiling lovingly at me...

I hope that does not mean I am becoming them, I am simply living more like them... I've never been able to lose myself, even when I most diligently tried... given a moment of free time and space, I soar back into myself where I am most at home... and suddenly, coming through this journey of thought through these words, I am no longer feeling crushed at all, but rather, I am feeling comfortable and appreciated for what I give that others appreciate... and what no one appreciates, I simply enjoy by myself, inside, where it is most real...

stay true to your dreams and your true self, dear friends (and strangers too), and remember where you live and who you are... it is your mind, always, no matter how others might try to mess with it...

totally cheating and a commercial interruption to boot

so I woke up at 4AM cuz I nodded off just after watching Pan's Labrynth which was just after getting home from work and eating dinner (salad again, yum... I love it when I am in the loving salad frame of mind as I've been all week... I physically feel so much lighter and less bloated, less sluggish, less like dead meat, but this is besides the point, maybe, of this entry) and started on my rounds of you wonderful people and got all caught up in commenting over at Serenity's Tide and decided to simply repeat myself here and call it yesterday's entry since I fell asleep (as noted above) before writing an entry last night... Pan's Labrynth was good, though note you must read the subtitles unless you understand Spanish fluently...

back to the comment that is soon to be this entry, almost, it probably helped that I went out for a run (I've really got to find the instruction book and read it and learn how to use this chronograph watch one of these days cuz it's got tons of features and I'm missing out on the statistical play it can inspire, not to mention that I am erasing the results before I actually see them all... dunderhead laughs, but at least I did see I was at under 12 minutes for each of the two laps I did and about 23:30 for the total two lap time... I then walked a lap in about 20 minutes and might have continued except I suddenly felt a touch of discomfort at leaving my wallet out... yeah, he's still here, but we'll catch up on home and life and everything else in tomorrow's entry {which will probably be written tonight} and you can catch up with the past week's worth of amazing stories so you don't feel left out of the journey I loosely call my life {in RealTime™, no less}... anyway, it felt great to run at 4AM again) and took a shower and felt all awake and relaxed and happy before I started wandering around the web this morning...

maybe now would be a good time to get back to the comment that is soon to be this entry (I wonder how many of you laugh at the same time I laugh... I think it would be so cool if we could have some sort of non-intrusive reaction meter, like each reader could click a few buttons to choose just how much access to give the writer in feedback and then (here's the technical almost sci-fi-ish stuff) we'd have computer software and hardware that had audio {and video for the not-shy} receptors and also a ring and sensors that read pulse and blood pressure and respirations and diaphragm movement and bowel movement {ok, maybe not bowel movement} and pupil dilation and nostril dilation and mouth movements and salivation and skin temperature and electromagnetic and biochemical reactions and {I did mention this part was sci-fi-ish, right?} and brain waves and for those really bold and open and secure, mind reading devices and I've wandered off on another tangent, haven't I?)...

aherm (throat clearing sound), what about that comment that was going to be this entry?... yeah, well, it is cheating (like totally to just use a comment written elsewhere for an entry, so maybe that's why I felt compelled to babble on to begin (or maybe it's just the adrenaline rush from running and the endorphins and seratonin and wonderful world of biochemical molecular and sub-atomic highs and peaceful bliss {not to mention the glee, never forget the glee} that we can enjoy in this physical life) this cleverly disguised commercial, I mean totally cheating entry (so it's not so totally cheating after all anymore, aye?)...

yeah, the comment part is coming, I'm just testing your patience by letting my mind wander where it will go and putting words to the journey as I've been known to do from time to time... this entry is actually informative and not meant to be a commercial, but it's about a world of products that I am considering trying just cuz I like experimenting with my brain and this seems to offer a legal way to do it... and I don't think I qualify for medical marijuana... though I do think I would like to from time to time cuz it's the only externally induced high that I actually find myself missing when my mind wanders through it's memories of the days (and nights) of experimenting with the illegal brain games... some of the acids and newer chemicals might be fun to try too, but I've somehow become such a straight edge in my current decade that those days seem like ancient times... this is sort of related to the comment, by the way, in case you thought I was just digressing again...

not that digressing isn't the better part of valor, or something like that... digression is the better part of squalor... or is that repression?... yes, repression... repression is the better part of squalor... digression is the better part of babble... of course you can quote me, I mean, what am I - famous or something? (only in my mind, where it counts)... the clock is suggesting that I get ready for work, so by default, it's time to present the comment that would have been totally cheating if it had been this entire entry, but is now merely partially cheating, though still could be considered a commercial interruption... I'm lucky you love me, especially if you're British or Canadian, aye?...

ready?... ok, go:

if you all actually read this comment we might all learn something (cuz so many of you seem to enjoy research and analyzing things deeply) , but then, I expect most people will miss most of everything around them, so I leave this comment with a smirk and a grin and hopefully nobody in a stuffed shirt missed the point cuz of all the words and asides and teasing... see what happens when I wake up early?...

anyway...

always open to what seem to be more natural healing and health, I took a look at what people at Wikipedia say about this Dr. Bach (not withstanding the name, Bach, being the name of the author {Richard Bach} of one of my favorite books, Illusions, ever that I just happen to be grazing through these days) and found someone who appears to be someone I would have like to have met in spite of the fact that he may have been British (ok, I just woke up with mischief and irreverence meters turned up way high... if you don't know Monty Python, you won't get the humor in this as I am relating to the way the Pythons used 'the French'... but that’s not to say the British are uptight or anyway, I mean, it’s just coinsidence that the International Stress Management Association is in South Petherton, right?... anyway, back to the serious matter at hand, flowers)...

so I moseyed on over to the Bach Center and found Bach (the doctor, not Richard) was a bacteriologist and pathologist who gave up his lucrative practice to devote the rest of his life to the new system of medicine that he was sure could be found in nature... noble and crazy (by normal human standards), I like him already...

of course there are many learned minds who’d question the sanity of a doctor who convinces himself that he has a disease, mental or physical, and then finds a flower that cures that particular disease he gave himself... not to mention the fact that he died at 50 years old, which, even though life expectancy was shorter in 1936, does not bode well for his overall health practices since he was his own guinea pig...

still, being a supporter of medical marijuana and other herbal, flower, and natural remedies for what ails us, I went to the front door of the center and read on a bit...

I especially wanted to know just what Vincent was suggesting so I asked myself, What is Rescue Remedy? and as is so often the case, the internet answered... it seems to contain the following flower petals:

Rock Rose for terror and panic
Impatiens for irritation and impatience
Clematis for inattentiveness and to counteract faintness
Star of Bethlehem for shock
Cherry Plum for irrational thoughts and lack of self control

dontcha just love nomenclature and language?... gotta wonder if the first person who named things secretly knew their hidden uses and gave them names that kinda went along with their purpose... then I started wondering if Little Jack Horner pulled out a Cherry Plum and not just an ordinary everyday run of the mill plum... that might be why he felt better after words, but let’s get back to the matter at hand...

what's that?... oh yes, flower petals... anybody else thinking about Zuzu?... you know, Zuzu's petals... what?... you don't instantly think of It's A Wonderful life on the spur of the moment at random times throughout your life?... oh, I thought everybody did (I'll un-widen my eyes now)... maybe you were thinking of the band...

all in all, from my hours of impromptu and irreverent research, Dr. Bach, while he may seem a bit kooky to some, or many even, seems to have created a whole line of products that have enough respectability to be sold in over 65 countries (based on human judgment though, well, never mind) so I'm gonna give this idea a thumbs up... sadly, it seems he only explored flowers in Britain, in fact, in a rather small local area, not to say that the British do not have flowers worth exploring, but imagine what he might have found and discovered if expanded his search parameters and he'd used his instincts and knowledge to explore rainforests (where I personally think the relative cures for everything can be found, but then, I'm crazy by normal human standards too so take two grains of salt and call me in the morning)...

so now we're all asking "where can I get these wonderful flower petals?...

well, apparently, way back before they had a TV show, Dr. Bach (is it just coincidence it rhymes with Spock?) contacted The Nelsons to help distribute his flower remedies and they still do, in spite of taking time out in the 1950’s to do a TV show... now how can we fine nostalgic Americans question Ozzie and Harriet?... they (The family Nelsons) have been at this homeopathic medicine gig for almost 150 years... you can even find the nearest actual store closest to you that carries Nelson products (I’ve been to the one listed near me many times and who knew they carried this stuff) so you can talk to nice people (cuz only nice people work in healthy stores that sell flowers and herbs and health foods, right?... but really, at least you can look into someone’s eyes before you eat the flower just in case it sends you on some magical mystery tour or bad trip, even)...

the best thing about the whole searching I did for you and me and anyone paying attention tonight is there’s a way to take a quiz and find out what flowers are best for you... The Nelsons sell flower remedies and the essence of individual flowers all over the world (65 countries), so to know exactly buy the flowers individually, click on this: here you are (the site is especially translated into US English, as opposed to that strange language they speak over in Britain... though they include Canadians in this, so that might make one questions it’s credibility right off the bat... ah, I miss living in Toronto, really I do... except for the weather nine months of the year, and the local constabulary, but I digress)...

seriously, use the “remedy chooser” on that page in the ‘here you are’ link and answer the questions honestly (that is the true secret to healing, by the way, but humans aren’t ready for that leap of faith just yet so it’s good there are the flower petals ya know) and they’ll tell you which flowers are best for you...

for more info (as if you haven't read enough already), here's the research they are doing... and the Bach Center has even more info too... aren't you happy Vincent suggested it?...

I might just try some myself next time I’m at the store...

end of comment portion :)

now go about your regularly scheduled day and have a wonderful time doing it (it's totally up to you, you know... unless you don't know, in which case it's still totally up to you, but unawareness muddles the actuality... hopefully that doesn't happen to you too often, but it is part of this being human thing, or so I am told, so as you practice your human stuff, don't forget that much of it is a fool's game that wastes potential and time and energy and the real reality {and answers and cures too) is (and are) all in your mind)...

much love and a big hug for you, dear reading person, and thank you for spending this time with me :)

August reminds me of childhood

my first childhood, that is... I've have many and have no intention of stopping for life is all about childhood and pity the fools who don't know that...

it was August in the city when the ground was too hot to walk on barefoot and the long lazy days never seemed to end... the sweltering sunshine seemed to slow everything down... the heat made the air feel thicker, so thick, you could see it rise in waves from the blistering streets...

and I would play baseball and stickball and punchball and paddleball and basketball and football with friends, though the latter two were usually reserved for the fall and cooler weather, especially football because I loved to dive to catch the ball and wearing jeans and a sweatshirt protected the skin better, allowing for much more reckless diving catches... baseball was always better in the spring for the same reasons...

and some afternoons were so silent it felt like there was nobody else on the planet...

and the evenings, hot, sticky, as the sun went down the ground swelled with the day's heat and kept the air from cooling as if we were in a huge oven... twilight would bring out imaginations and the elevator that would take us anywhere, anytime... that was one of my favorites... it may have looked like an ordinary under-the-stairs shed to most people, but to me and a few of my friends it was the elevator (maybe magic, but what's magic when it real to us?)... I was lucky to have friends who would come along... we'd step in and tell it where we wanted to go (and when) and the door would open and there we were...

and then, as we explored the adventure we created, as if a blanket was pulled over the sky, night would welcome us with it's sweet darkness... the stars, for what the city air would let us see of them, seemed to blur as if their crystal light could not shine through the dense night air...

everyone went home and I wandered, alone again, into the night...

after midnight, when when little cooling would come in the form of a light breeze, I would head out for my daily run around the nightborhood... fifteen miles, sometimes more, past friends houses as they slept, as the night wrapped me in silence leaving only the drumbeat of my footfalls to keep rhythm with the night's music...

August days, August nights, August in the city, remembering the Augusts of my first two decades on this planet... warm mmemories, in so many ways...

did I mention my tooth is all better?...

yeah, I lucked out... called the dentist recommended by one of my co-workers and he saw me immediately and fixed the tooth and all is well and the insurance covered it... next week I have an appointment for a full check-up... so I ate a lot of chocolate and nuts this week... yum...

and the new data specialist started today, so I started her training and officially became Candor, PI... for a while I'll be doing some of both jobs somehow as I train (I'll have to give her a blog name, aye?... I'll think about it), umm, her...

I've starting running at night instead of going to the gym lately... so far, three nights... I don't know the distance, I'll have to drive it to find out, but I am sort of keeping track of time (just glancing at the clock, not using a chronograph... first time, two laps, 14 and 16 minutes, respectively... second time, 3 laps, 14, 14, and 16 minutes, respectively... third time, four laps, 13, 13, 16, and 17 minutes, respectively... hopefully the distance is more than a mile, but running is a whole lot different from the eliptical machine so I don't expect to maintain the same pace right off the bat... figures I'd start running outdoors at the hottest time of the year, aye?...

that reminds me of childhood too...

it's wonderful to have warm, fuzzy, endearing memories... summer wakes some of the dearest... many of my best memories are of solitary, peaceful times... but memories are of sharing times with friends... those are the best memories... I'd really love to make some more of them...

brief

was asleep
now more awake
rushing off to work
happy idiot?

would be even more
with a partner in crime
but enjoying the time
in my rhyme

it's actually morning in RealTime™... I just woke and wandered around some of your blogs here at blogspot (no time for more or myspace or anything as I am not, once again, late (hopefully not rushing past yet another Alice along the way)... I'll leave the previous entry as the reading for the day (if you're looking for reading) as it contains a whole lot more words than this, but must set off to another day now (the best laid plans and all)... to wet my appitite (and perhaps yours with irony {synchronicity?} of a work in progress), this is where I left off on my journey through words this morning (with a little help from my friends):

more later, but for now... this brings to mind a line from a favorite Jackson Browne song, "The Late Show"...

cuz when you know
you've got a real friend somewhere
suddenly all the others are
so much easier to bear

and the the verse that follows is even more direct to my point to remind me of the value of dreams, but more, the value of actions...

now to see things clear
it's hard enough I know
when you're waiting for
reality to show
when you're dreaming of some perfect love
and holding on to stars above
you may stumble on to something real
and never know

from memory, so a word or two may be out of place, but I suddenly want to get back to that song (and the Eagles Wasted Time and the Carpenters Need to Be in Love and Billy Joel's Honesty and some others that make up the soundtrack of my heart...

gotta rush off now, torn between wanting to follow the inspiration you provide (once again) and the responsibilities of the day... bringing us back around to Jackson again... say a prayer for the pretender...

ah, to be the happy idiot so much more meaningful and worth it when the journey is shared by the one meant to share it, (and all we can do is sigh and say yeah... :)

'til tomorrow...

(and irony awaits :)

yeah, Don McLean too...

and a giggle and a sigh :)

musing aloud

sitting and listening to some of my deepest roots tonight played by much younger branches on the tree of music... the Postal Service are singing Grow Old With Me and the ironies weave an odd smiles on my face as I listen to the words of Robert Browning put to music by John Lennon sung by kids who come close to singing a hit before their mother was born... and the postal service delivered the Instant Karma CD today... subtitled The Amnesty International Campaign to Save Darfur, the compilation at once brings back beautiful memories and sounds a little like an old man moaning (listening to Lenny Kravitz do Cold Turkey gave me that latter feeling)...

and I look up Darfur on a map on the internet and learned how away from the world I am living in my own little bubble in this well-insulated land of the free... and I feel my hypocrisy and carelessness... whatever gets me through the night... it’s no coincidence I skipped mentioning the first three songs on the CD...

do I really have to remind myself of (and face up to) the fact that I spend much of my personal time whining and bitching and pretending everything is a joke here on the web?... ooowee baby, sure feels right... there were some covers I enjoyed a lot and some I did not... maybe Snow Patrol’s version of Isolation should be the bell ringer for me as the song has always reminded me of life as I’ve known it... and what follows, Watching The Wheels... yes, I’ve skipped ahead to the second CD...

the producers captured the duality that was John and so many of us... the demands ego makes for individuality, the demands the heart makes for sharing... the fear of life, the fear of death, wanting to be free, wanting not to be alone... can two truly free spirits actually bond permanently for all time, or is that just one more illusion in my mind... or more melodically...

can two free spirits truly bond for all time
or is that just one more illusion... in my mind
all I want is the truth... yeah, me and John... and Mulder... see, we are not the only ones... so sue me, I’m laughing at my own jokes and enjoying my mind in spite of the pain I feel so deeply all over this world... humans are cruel children, the worst of the school yard bullies and grade school politics never really ends, it just becomes more pretentiously serious, more dramatic, a real matter of life and death... and I am still not sure I want any part of it... but here I am, becoming human (or is that presumptuous of me?)...

I dearly love Jackson Browne, but I wish they got someone else to sing Oh My Love... he should have done something with a bite, not one of the softest, sweetest, most beautiful love songs ever created... I’d have liked to have heard Tori Amos sing it, or even Kelly Clarkson sing it... maybe even Jenny Lewis or Annie Lennox or Sinead O’Conner or Dido... ever hear Lori Carson?... I supposed I am prejudiced to the female voice singing a love song, but even Garth Brooks or the boys from Extreme, not Jackson’s aging nasal tones that could be so much better used on a number of other songs...

I really ought to have napped tonight as we’ll be leaving for the Harry Potter film in less than an hour... yes, I broke down and bought us three tickets... also bought three tickets for the show on Saturday... I wanna see things and I don’t want to see them alone, ok?... and four for Warped Tour... being rich is just not my thing, even when it was... but I’m no working class hero, that’s for sure... anyway, I’d probably have stayed up all night inspired to write between the CDs (did I mention a new Paul McCartney CD was in the box too?... haven’t listened to a new Paul Mac CD in decades... can Elton John or the Moody Blues be far behind?... memories and dreams, it’s clouds illusions I recall, I really don’t know clouds, at all... alas, the most important things can not be shared by buying tickets to the show)...

I don’t know where this entry might be going (and I doubt anybody really knows where it’s been), but it’s a tip of a much larger entity, a flood of words waiting for something, for Godot, perhaps, but most of all, for someone to wait with... most of life is spent waiting for the next scene, the next act of the play, the next interaction, the next plot twist, the next surprise... watching the wheels is much more fun when someone is growing old along with me... I knew that even when I was a baby...

so the CD opens with the promise of instant karma, of some sort of enlightening, just like the 60’s did... and in ends in the stupor of real love, just like the dream did... perhaps the message never did come together, that all the best intentions and enlightenment in the universe is only a prelude to experiencing a moment of shared unconditional trust and honest love... ego’s independence was a lie, the true freedom is found in letting go, in leaping into faith, in unconditional trust... in self, but not alone, in self merging with another self...

and I hope someday we can reach even beyond that to find we can all shine on, we can all live as one, we can actualize unconditional trust because we can humanize honest love... but for now, I’d just like to see more people reaching the starting point, the baby step, the first contact.. heart to heart, mind to mind, being to being... two being one because they start as one and can share...

beyond all the music and words and memories and dreams, I think John got there... and I hope he’s not the only one...

and yet I appreciate you so much

that's SO much, to you... as apathetic and ambivalent and whatever word fits, sardonic, cynical, blah-say, depressed, even, I get about the whole internet experience and how far away we are and how RealTime™ in immediate RealSpace™ seems so empty because it is devoid of any RealSharing™ (most especially of the physical senses variety... and spoken like a true Dorothy, I think I miss eye contact the most of all... cha... kisses too, shhhh), I love the interaction of reading your thoughts and feelings and imagining being some sort of part of your lives through the written words we put out here on the web...

there, I said it... whatever I said...

I wrote much of the following to someone I read as regularly as I read anyone who does not comment regularly (which is whenever I can, as much as I can, but usually once a week and sometimes once a month) and I realized that the sentiment goes out to many people I read, people I wish I had more time to read, people I wish I really knew and shared some RealSharing™ in RealTime and RealSpace™ (ya know?) so I clarified it to mean what I want it to mean to a whole lot of wonderful people who may be imaginary to a large extent, but are as real as words can be:

I wish I had the time to demonstrate (and prove to you) how much respect I have for you as an artist, how much I would like to know you as a friend, how sad I am that I do not have the time to come by a read and comment daily or comment-communicate with you and your other commenters, how much I enjoy coming by your sites when I do, and how much I care and would dearly miss you if you suddenly disappeared from the net or my occasional view... most of all, I wish you knew how much I'd like to talk to you, look into your eyes, discover who you really are, and meet you offline, and truly become your friend...

yeah, that's what I mean to say deep down... might even go on the sidebar, after all... so I want to thank you for putting up with my whining and complaining about how lonely it seems sometimes writing all by myself and how unappreciated I may feel because I don't have hundreds of devoted commenters... but then, I don't want hundreds of devoted commenters who don't know me at all... and I sure don't want people coming to use my comments as a soapbox or stage as so often happens in popular sites... even if ego looks at me dumbfounded as I write this (and I grin at the attention-seeking ham, talk about attention deficit disorder)...

my ego has ADD²... not only does it have trouble staying focused on any one thing for long, but it suffers from an excrutiating deficit in attention because it is insatiable and can never get enough attention...

Rodney Dangerfield, eat your necktie (that's what they called those things in his day)... yeah, I miss babbling... and I'm not the only one... I hope someday that you'll join us... and the world will live as if everything makes perfect sense even though nobody has any idea what's really going on (or what we're saying)... unconditional trust is a beautiful thing, almost like ignorance is bliss, except it's a choice... without all that waiting for death for the good stuff to start, ya know?...

so we've all got our reasons for being here and this classic post shall shine long after I am gone even if it is under a rock because I put it there, or here, for that matter... ego hopes... but the heart knows, the few of you who come to find these words can feel it... you know what I mean... and that is why I appreciate you SO much...

good charlotte, charlie brown

so there I was listening to Charlotte Gainsbourg and feel wonderfully assimilated by the Bourg, while wandering myspace and visiting one of my favorite writers there (cuz she breathes sunshine and roses) and I was once again reminded of why I love to browse the web, to find thoughts like this...

which leads to the depths of haunting memories of Toronto as we come back around to the music as Charlotte's father is Serge Gainsbourg, who was one of the musical influences loaned to me by those days and people of Toronto (though, ironically and most Telling, after all, I still found more to relate to in the brief encounter with the Dawn and the words and music of The Waterboys and that's how found my smile this time :)

a lazy week passes, almost a full week without the gym or the scales or the extra water flow or the strict dietary guidelines or even babbling much... so much excitement bubbling up with nowhere to go but flow outward into the space around me and the ether beyond... and even if nobody ever knew, it's so beautiful to experience... shine on you crazy diamonds...

cuz dreams last for so long, ya know...

I hope yours do too :)

same

returned to the gym for an hour on the machine (the machine was busy last night, so I swung free weights around for a little while and then I used the treadmill and realized I do need to add more different exercises to use other muscles groups), napped a couple of hours and then watched American Idol... Jordan is my favorite... caught up on entering data into the fitness program at home, started actually working on the report due May 1st at work, and came here...

mind is still elsewhere, maybe making some changes, maybe just drifting... wanting more sharing, more creative play, more physical interaction, more sensuality, more progress, more changes, more love... I like wanting more :)

hoping you are finding interesting, amusing, and worthwhile things to do in your world...

I am fine, how are you? :)

writing elsewhere again

just not feeling much interest in the RealTime™ I suppose... three days without the gym might be part of it, but then, maybe not... three days of normal eating too and didn't gain a pound, surprise... I think I am transitioning from the aerobic to the weight training, though the aerobic will not go away and remains my first love...

this thought just came to me, probably not randomly, in spite of appearances... I don't think I've ever been romanced... I am not sure I want to be, but then, how could I know if I've never experienced it... I do know that I am so ridiculously (or so I am told) picky about my intimate partners...

people say they care, but look at what they do...

I am starting to wonder if I really want to believe in a single soulmate for life... loneliness might be influencing that wondering, though I don't feel particularly lonely at the moment... I think I am starting to believe that I believe in something no one else comes near, though many mouth the words and might even sincerely want to believe... maybe I want to be chased...

not chaste, though I am less willing to settle for an intimate relationship of any kind when the pure passion is not there for me... I think I am learning to become distant... life goes on...

I love where I am, yet I want to be somewhere else...

and I feel everywhere, though unnoticed...

so I am relatively nowhere...

and realizing this is as I want it to be brings peace and a smile... playing the traveller, while some part of me does want to be known by one who can truly reach where I am and appreciate all I am, the me I know as me, if such a one exists, none of me wants to pretend I could actually be known or satisfied with the pretense of the superficial knowing that comes from popularity or fame...

I trust no one, I trust everything...

has anyone actually ever kept the promise of forever?...

I am a maze of brief thoughts tonight, and perhaps the past few nights, and I will not pop back entries in this time, I shall just say hello and go...

hello :)