reflections on home, sorta

there is something exciting about this, but i'm just not there at the moment… there being taking a leadership role in organizing people… i was there about eight years ago and several times for periods of a few years before that, but other things, positive (like love, family, personal creativity, wandering) and not (like usury, abuse, being burned, disillusionment) lead me away from the desire to be a leader or organizer of people… and i've never been much of a follower (unless i'm in love or living with someone, then i'm a chameleon), so it stands to reason rather solitary periods fall between those periods when i am motivated to organize… solitary periods have included a few wonderful relationships though as i count those years i lived in a space of shared love as a solitary period…

meanwhile, returning to RealTime™ again, for posterity, memory, and because sometimes i must clean out my head (and space) and writing is how i do it and i put it out here because i long to share everything with someone who cares to know me and everything about me before, now, and forever... and also for anyone who really wants to know more about where i live, how i live, and maybe even why (you've been warned)…

i woke from a nap perturbed a few hours ago… i remembered something Rasputin had said about Precious cleaning her room just as i was nodding off a few hours earlier after taking the three of us out to dinner for Precious's birthday… it's a running (and rather sad) joke around here, that Precious might someday clean her room (the sad part is she is ashamed to let her friends see her room so she has very rarely entertained any friends in her room in the four years she's lived here and that's why she leaves things all over the living room and kitchen, because she has no clear space to put anything in her room, which makes the shared living space a cluttered mess that i do not bring anyone into, which has further kept me isolated and without a social life… being a chameleon is not always the best way to be when living with slobs… and i only partly digress)… it was something about workmen coming into the space and having to clear the window areas because the management is putting new windows in the place…

after searching through the pile of papers and assorted stuff they leave on the kitchen counter, i found the notice from the apartment complex a full week ago… nice that they buried the notice in their crap, but at least i accidentally heard about it before the workmen showed up when i was not here and found windows blocked by my stuff… typical, and Rasputin will probably tell me that he told me last week, but that doesn't change the fact that, as with my mail too often, i never saw the notice as it got buried in their pile of crap that they leave on the counters, the tables, the couches, and wherever else they put anything down…

so instead of catching up on sleep, i spent the evening cleaning and moving furniture in the living room and my bedroom… and doing laundry… and, once again, facing the living situation i so readily ignore most of the time… facing the mess, the clutter, the fact that i will not invite people over to this space, the fact that i do not really live here, that i live like a refugee in someone else's dirty space…

we talked about this before Rasputin moved in with me after my former roommate moved out… his last place was a serious pig sty… roaches crawled around freely… everything in the kitchen, floor to ceiling, was covered in a thick dark layer of grease… piled of papers, mail, and crap were strewn everywhere… dust was thick in the air and on everything… and they had a cat that stunk up the place (the cat had to go within a few months of Rasputin moving in here because he peed on things, including Rasputin's bed… he probably peed places in his former place too, but the place was so filthy nobody could tell… yeah, that bad)… he had three or four roommates that were even less apt to clean up behind themselves than he is, so it was a place i didn't even want to crash in or shower in when i was homeless…

Raspy lives in denial a lot… he swore it was not him, that he couldn't stand living that way and my space wouldn't turn into the same mess… and this space is not as bad, but the habits that covered the kitchen in grease and made the mess (frying everything, not wiping up splatter, rarely cleaning counters or anything, and leaving things piled up everywhere) are evident here and Precious is much worse… she simply does not clean up behind herself at all, literally leaving her trash everywhere…

apparently, I live in denial a lot too… and being a chameleon is no excuse… i choose who i live with… i choose the energy i surround myself with… i choose to end sentence after sentence with prepositions, or whatever… is choose to ignore the health hazards, the lack of respect, the unpleasant environment, the lack of social life or active life or life as i know (or once knew) life… i choose to forget my laundry is in the drier after the drier stops so the shirts get wrinkly…

i'll be back…

ok, i hung up the shirts… back to the self-assessment and looking around at RealLife™ in RealTime™ and the real stupidity i do to myself and the real whining and bullshit rationalizations and intellectualizations and excuses and blah blah blahblahblah retarded thinking i put into words instead of actually doing something to change what i can change and do not like…

O . . O

O

and the lease is up at the end of January and we are talking about what to do as this apartment rent is rising again and Rasputin says he cannot afford the rent without help… we agreed when Precious came to live with us that he would pay rent and i would cover all other house expenses (including her cell phone)… most of the kitchen stuff is mine… i bought the couches cheap a while back… they are looking raggedy now… i bought a $200 vacuum that burned out because Precious, when told to use it, let it burn out by not removing hair from the beater bar brush (probably deliberately, or at least carelessly sabotaged it so she wouldn't have to clean)… the utilities and expenses i cover still comes to more than i would be spending if i shared a two bedroom with a roommate and divided expenses evenly and now, because Precious and Rasputin decided she'd stay home instead of going away to university, my monthly bill may go up even more…

is it because i don't want to live alone?... is it because i feel obligated?... it is because I am a sap and get tied into helping people, probably because i am always searching for and hoping for a family that will appreciate and love me like families do (or so i've always heard)… but it always seems to be a one way street with me giving and others taking… nobody takes me out to dinner for my birthday, heck, i don't even get presents or cards (though you, dear few reader-friends, have been good to me from your far away places and i do much appreciate you for that and i hope you understand that still wanting some personal appreciation in my physical world life does not diminish my appreciation of you)…

anyway, we've looked around at houses lately because we can get more space in a house for less money and we will be able to maintain our balance of Raspy covering rent and me covering the others stuff… though electric and cable and probably water and garbage and lawn care will go up in a house, further raising my monthly bills, not to mention not having a gym or pool unless i pay for a membership somewhere… i can see a move to a house costing me an extra $150-$200 a month, actually, which is not what i am looking for… not to mention the probability that the house will just provide more space for more mess and because it's on ground level, more potential for roaches and vermin… and more work for me if i want to live in a clean place… and then there's the fact that i will have to put down the deposit and security because neither of them have credit (Raspy is overextended because he bought a new last year car)…

and i sit here now reflecting on a life in which i seem to always attract needy people who come to depend on me and eventually take for granted that i will give them more on every level than they give me… every relationship, intimate or not, has either started out as or turned into this sort of imbalance, except one that started out with me giving more than ever in almost every way and ended up with me taking more than ever, but only materially (and that roller coaster is one i miss more than most, though it was probably better for her growth to detach from me and maybe drop contact as well, but that's another long story)…

and i sit here pondering how to start again in another living space with Rasputin and Precious… how not to make the same mistakes of ignoring their habits and letting them make the mess they make when we agreed going in that the place would not turn into a mess… and how to keep my expenses from going up… and how to create and maintain a space i will want to call mine, to live in, and to invite friends and strangers into… and how to further develop my social life…

first, i probably ought to stop whining…

aye…