life is a choice

well, whatever you were doing this weekend, i hope it was much fun… you missed the emo dance (though i don't get anywhere near the drama i used to spread all over my emotive introspections in years past (remember the lands of the mostly dead?... not that they have gone completely dead, but they have been very quietly mostly dead for some time now i suppose), but it was cause for celebration from the twelve year old drama queen and the emo-philosopher in me, at least… and you know how my own personal mental peanut gallery loves to mock me and laugh when i get all serious about feelings… well, you do if you've read a while… and maybe you're learned as i mention it now… for the love of the roller coaster i set my imagination free to stretch the illusion as far as it may go…

or something like that…

today was a beautiful day… in fact, it was a great weekend… Friday a guy from one of the film groups joined me at the best Chinese buffet in Orlando and then for a midnight viewing of Pink Floyd's The Wall at the local artsy dinner theatre… Saturday was a relaxing day of rest as i imported music on to the mybook hard drive and watched a video or two and went to Friday's for a midnight dinner… really do not have a healthy eating schedule around here, do we?... today was another softball game and i was able to move around a bit more on the mound, fielding a step or two in both directions and able to turn to first and throw runners out… we lost again, 15-0, and that is probably how it will be most of the time… i went 1 for 1, fly out to left and ground ball up the middle through to center, which is great considering i can't run… the team still can't field, so the other team had it easy… i started pitching more aggressively in the third and was able to get two batters to ground out and struck out another… same in the fourth… three of the four ground outs were to me though… the team definitely needs practice at everything… all in all it was a fun, if pathetic, game…

Rasputin and I went to a buffet for dinner tonight cuz i wanted to get some protein in the body for the leg and i did not eat much protein, if any, yesterday… i spend too much money on eating out and eat too much at buffet meals and writing that is supposed to do something to remind me that i know better, so we'll see if it works… i've gotten good at ignoring my stupidity though… like knowing my dietary habits is keeping more weight on this body than is healthy and keeping my blood pressure up higher than normal and i stubbornly stopped the blood pressure medications and currently do not have a doctor to for the routine check-ups and whatever and i'm dragging my feet about changing the habits and dropping the weight… sure, influences around me are no help, but still, it's my choice…

on a side note, my nose started bleeding about an hour before i was to leave for the game… i get nosebleeds a couple of times a year, usually when my nostrils are irritated by a cold or pollen and i am blowing or rubbing my nose a lot… usually it's a one time thing, i pack it, it stops, and months or longer goes by before i become a nose faucet of blood again… today, however, was an odd one… it stopped and did not bother me at all as i was playing softball, but then, standing in line to pay for the buffet it started up again… and it's trickling all evening, so it must have been a bigger than usual capillary burst… no worries, it's part of life for me in this body… and one of the reasons i lay odds on my cause of death (when this body finally dies) will be a stroke… hopefully it'll be a full blown dead stroke and not a vegetative coma type because i'd rather not have strangers giving me sponge baths and wiping my drool (and ass) for years…

are we having fun yet? :)

yeah, so all in all, a beautiful relaxing fun weekend… i wrote some rhymes and sprinkled words into other places and enjoyed everything i did… last thing before coming here to write this was watch Brazil and i have not seen it in a long enough time for it to be mostly new to me (i feel lucky that i can detach memories from my consciousness and experience films as if i never saw them more than once)… there is definitely a classic quality to that film… and the genre is one i relate to well as you probably know well too… one of these days i must make time to catch u[ on reading around the web… and do laundry… and change my habits and so on and so forth and on that repetitive note, i wish you a wonderful night and even better tomorrow…

cuz everything is a matter of perspective and perspective is mostly choice and my choice is to enjoy life so life is fun, even now :)

untitled mission

because i can and have nothing else to do because i am alone again and reruns of Futurama are simply not enough stimulation for the senses or synapses in the skull on the shoulders of the body in which i find myself at the moment, and most of the time, for that matter, i come here again to spread my merry wares and provide the words that shall drift into obscurity almost as fast as i can type them…

it is raining… it is the first rain i can remember in quite some time… which reminds me of the time i went out running in the rain… naked… the rain was pretty naked too… it was the middle of the night and it just had to be done… the neighborhood was never ever the same again, at least not from my perspective… but those were the good old days when i actually ran around for miles and miles and exercised daily and danced each night away… ah yes, the nineties…

life has not been all that organized this past week… instead of going to work and then going to some meetup every day and coming home tired and happy about socializing, i've been vegetating and distracting myself with occasional glances at the TV and chameleoning into the couch potato life here at home while hardly sleeping and feeling too tired to do anything (the lazy loop) and feeling lonely for company and interaction… though i am happy i shared all this with you and tickled pick when you find some way to respond…

earlier i went to Jackson's place to watch the UCF game… my lazy weekend kept me awake until past sunrise, so i did not wake at 9am to get to Sea World with the strangers in the meetup group and the group at Jackson's place sounded more appealing to my subconscious, which makes the decisions while i am sleeping… unfortunately, alas and oh well, UCF (the local university team) quarterback gave the game away throwing three or four interceptions and losing a fumble and getting nothing done on offense (yes, it was 90%, at least, one person's fault) and the great game the rest of the team played was negated and they lost 10 to 3… bummer…

another bummer was the jerk cop who gave me a speeding ticket as i was rushing over to Jackson's to catch the game… obviously not a UCF fan as he delayed me almost a half hour after i explained why i was speeding and asked him to be a good community supporter and understand… he could have just written the ticket and sent me on my way, but he was smirking as he sat in his car a twenty minutes and then gave me a ten minute speech about speeding… when he was done and asked if i had any questions i said no, but as he turned to walk away i said i'll be sure not to speed the day Michigan destroys Florida… he reeled around and that's when i was sure he was a Florida fan and my talking about UCF was a big reason he gave me the ticket and delayed me so long… i asked him if there was anything else and he just glared, to his credit, because it showed he was smart enough to not do or say anything to prove his underlying motive, which would be highly unethical and very embarrassing to the sheriff's department… so i laughed and drove off with him standing there glaring at me and his smirk was gone, but it'll cost me about $200…

luck of the draw, as there were at least four cars driving the same speed i was as we passed the speed trap, one just ahead of me and two right behind me… some cops just respond negatively to the long hair and the red cavalier… it's my first ticket in five or more years, i think, cuz i am usually much more aware of the speed traps around here… hopefully my insurance doesn't go up…

meanwhile, the home environment is as dead as ever… no exercise, no life, no socializing, no movement, really, except for food… so the garbage and clutter and mess remains and i must resist the laziness to continue motivating myself to move around and get out more for social life and exercise…

and poor Raspy… he drinks Diet Pepsi non-stop (and that's all he calls a "drink" when he is thirsty and wants a "drink") and then wonders why he is always warm and thirsty… look at the data on caffeine and aspartame and you find it plays with the brain parts that control thirst and body heat, tricking the brain into believing the body is dehydrating and overheating… Precious is the same (though she substitutes sugar and fat for aspartame) and adds close to a hundred pounds of unnecessary fat… they always complain that it's too hot when i don't have the air-conditioning down to below seventy degrees… unfortunately, that means my electric bill stays high because the air conditioning is never cool enough for them… lately i've kept the windows open and am loving the fresh air, but even in winter it gets close to eighty degrees (or more) during the day most days… but that's why i moved down here… i love the heat… and living in the hermetically sealed air-conditioned space just adds to the not-me environment (mess) this space has become over the years…

so my mission, jim, is to accept my mission, which is to extricate myself from the heavy gooey laziness that smothers energy and life in this environment (and stuffs it with fats and sugars and the typical "american" diet)… and as i wrote this, i failed… yes, tomorrow's entry will explain in more detail, i suppose, but since this entry is being completed tomorrow you might as well know that it was just interrupted by a trip out to a downtown chinese dim sum place for some excellent dim sum… $30 i did not need to spend… a ton of fatty food i did not need to eat… but so it goes around these parts… maybe next week i will have more will power…

so my mission, jim, is to accept my mission…

and meanwhile, you are wonderful to be here, it's certainly a thrill, you're such a lovely audience i'd like to take you home with me i'd love to take you home… and my egocentric fantasy about being rich and famous continues as i spend money i would better spend on more useful things (as if i am rich) and i write silly thoughts about the many fans out there waiting for my next bit of babble (as if i am famous) and not to mention, good (so why am i giggling… cuz i love it when i mock myself, you know)… when will the positive influence come along?... when i let it?... when somebody cares?... it's so much more the latter than the former, really, if you know knew… but hope springs eternal again and again… so cheer yourself on and i'll cheer myself on and we can cheer each other on from afar and appreciate it cuz it is so much worth the value of the relatively little time we spend here…

and think healthy thoughts…

nite nite :)

wide open

this entry contains a slightly modified comment that almost had me entering an end-of-year cathartic introspection and such, but i may have only glanced in my direction as i have gotten so good at distracting myself from myself and therein wander aimlessly through the days and nights so unidentified that i can not be found and remain, for better or worse, alone again, though i am not sure just how naturally it is, come to think of it… in any case, or at least in this case, facing myself and my actions and life i live over time and where it's gotten me would be an excellent thing to do since it is basically the only way to correct the stupidities and redirect myself back to the path that will take me toward my dreams as opposed to the i am an alien visitor perspective i choose to live in these days…

if you do not know what i mean,
you may not understand my words,
and that is why i also offer silence

for if you do not understand my silence
you will not understand my words

and now, for that slightly modified comment i mentioned earlier:

holy crimplewhimpensteind
suddenly I'm way behind...

yay for so many words, even if we downplay them and/or even call them negative, for they are our words and have the potential to keep us in touch with ourselves and that is wonderful cuz words feel real to me... it is a choice, after all, and it is a choice i choose most of the time (except when i am playing with words for no apparent reason)… and if we choose to feel the words real together, we share something as close to real as we can share without physical presence, for the words have physical presence in our minds…

and i tell myself, self: but when you feel like feeling and emotions seem to overwhelm you and bring tears to your eyes or cheeks in floods even, learn to go with the flow and embrace the emotions even if they seem to feel like (or even actual are) a pity party for the feelings felt are much more productive and positive than the feeling repressed… and sometimes i listen and when i listen i find catharsis… and that is a healthy experience… and if the catharsis ends in the tears of longing for more, for sharing the catharsis, then i continue to live and renew hope that the sharing may come, rejoicing in the simple fact that i am still alive and still dare to experience the feelings…

and so i say:

i don't hold back stupid tears... or smart tears either... i don't think i know which are which, but it doesn't matter because releasing tears feels good, even when the feeling is sad or not so good, cuz just like with pain, the tears prove i am alive, feeling real feelings that produce emotional responses i feel and that is the best part of life for me...

feelings (no worries, i won't start singing that song :)

unless someone really wants me to and then i shall give it my best shot, most likely with tongue in cheek, and yet, i still dream that someone might come along to inspire me to take the deepest depths of creative play as seriously possible once again to see just what the best could be today… even as time passes and i know how much is lost and i sometimes wonder if the best is over and maybe it is time to lay down and die or explain, just shoot me… i still find hope to continue…

and so i say:

no shooting please, at least not with a gun or other flesh-damaging tool... allowing ourselves to feel is what life is about and if we remember not to let this stuffed-shirt scaredy-cat repressed world convince us that there is something wrong with emotions just because it makes them (the scardy-cat repressed) feel queasy and inadequate and afraid they died and don't know it cuz they are afraid to feel their feelings and be alive...

they did not die, they are only sleeping...

i imagine the word as a cartoon or science fiction story in which anything is possible because, after all, anything is possible and anyone who has an open mind can see that and anyone who believes in any god can see that if they remember their own belief system says their god is all powerful and can do anything, so anything is possible for anyone who can see beyond their fear… and therein my hope remains, even when i forget… or repress… and how long have i repressed my desire for intimacy, for sharing unconditional trust (and i mean sharing unconditional trust when i use the word intimacy, just in case you thought all i mean was sex)…

and then i said:

loneliness for love, for someone who accepts us as we are, for someone who allows and encourages us to be free of formalities and inhibitions and self-consciousness and fears, oh that is a deep gaping loneliness... it aches so much, everything gets swallowed up and all we can do is cry over the beauty, the wonder, the joy, and the love we sense in everything around us that reminds me of how sad we are to be alone when we know the wonder and amazement and precious power of sharing freely with someone with whom we can just be...

but here we are, just being in words... and while this, sharing these words, is a poor substitute for the shared being in physical space, it, for me at least, is much better than being without sharing in words...

so here, i listen, i read, and i think i hear, i believe i feel what is put into the words... it feels right for me and i can only hope you felt the tears too, for then, we may have actually shared something, if only for a moment here in words...

busy, yes, life, yes, full of distractions that allow the deeper desires and longing and aching for sharing intimacy to be repressed much of the time, sleeping, and yet, we know it is still there, always there, just below the surface… and hopefully the sharing being will come again...

thank you for being here...

and you, dear readers, continue to inspire me… sometimes just one of you and sometimes all of you and that is why i return again and again, as close to daily consistency as possible, for today might be the day the one who is truly ready to share life offline arrives here to find me and come knock on my door… welcome to the pathos years, the years of being human, of indulging in cultural rituals and deteriorating to the standards and norms of the society in which i live at the moment (as it is called living, though ironic for us)…

accept my half-assed efforts and inspire me to refocus and take it all seriously again and i shall forever worship your being as i worship all those who have inspired me to trust unconditionally in this life (even if it did not turn out as well as it might in the past)… it is easy to trust when we are at the top of our game, when we are at our best… see through the facades and the cultural influences and find the person within the eyes and then trust and that is the leap of faith and we call falling in love and more, unconditional trust…

or just smile and pat me on the head and tell me everything will be alright…

or whatever, cuz i am no longer concerned with the effects of anything, even negativity, even when i am actualizing and exposing my most vulnerable vulnerability… it feels wonderful to be wide open again… perhaps i have been all along, but it feels even better to remind myself…

and you, how are you today? :)

reflections on home, sorta

there is something exciting about this, but i'm just not there at the moment… there being taking a leadership role in organizing people… i was there about eight years ago and several times for periods of a few years before that, but other things, positive (like love, family, personal creativity, wandering) and not (like usury, abuse, being burned, disillusionment) lead me away from the desire to be a leader or organizer of people… and i've never been much of a follower (unless i'm in love or living with someone, then i'm a chameleon), so it stands to reason rather solitary periods fall between those periods when i am motivated to organize… solitary periods have included a few wonderful relationships though as i count those years i lived in a space of shared love as a solitary period…

meanwhile, returning to RealTime™ again, for posterity, memory, and because sometimes i must clean out my head (and space) and writing is how i do it and i put it out here because i long to share everything with someone who cares to know me and everything about me before, now, and forever... and also for anyone who really wants to know more about where i live, how i live, and maybe even why (you've been warned)…

i woke from a nap perturbed a few hours ago… i remembered something Rasputin had said about Precious cleaning her room just as i was nodding off a few hours earlier after taking the three of us out to dinner for Precious's birthday… it's a running (and rather sad) joke around here, that Precious might someday clean her room (the sad part is she is ashamed to let her friends see her room so she has very rarely entertained any friends in her room in the four years she's lived here and that's why she leaves things all over the living room and kitchen, because she has no clear space to put anything in her room, which makes the shared living space a cluttered mess that i do not bring anyone into, which has further kept me isolated and without a social life… being a chameleon is not always the best way to be when living with slobs… and i only partly digress)… it was something about workmen coming into the space and having to clear the window areas because the management is putting new windows in the place…

after searching through the pile of papers and assorted stuff they leave on the kitchen counter, i found the notice from the apartment complex a full week ago… nice that they buried the notice in their crap, but at least i accidentally heard about it before the workmen showed up when i was not here and found windows blocked by my stuff… typical, and Rasputin will probably tell me that he told me last week, but that doesn't change the fact that, as with my mail too often, i never saw the notice as it got buried in their pile of crap that they leave on the counters, the tables, the couches, and wherever else they put anything down…

so instead of catching up on sleep, i spent the evening cleaning and moving furniture in the living room and my bedroom… and doing laundry… and, once again, facing the living situation i so readily ignore most of the time… facing the mess, the clutter, the fact that i will not invite people over to this space, the fact that i do not really live here, that i live like a refugee in someone else's dirty space…

we talked about this before Rasputin moved in with me after my former roommate moved out… his last place was a serious pig sty… roaches crawled around freely… everything in the kitchen, floor to ceiling, was covered in a thick dark layer of grease… piled of papers, mail, and crap were strewn everywhere… dust was thick in the air and on everything… and they had a cat that stunk up the place (the cat had to go within a few months of Rasputin moving in here because he peed on things, including Rasputin's bed… he probably peed places in his former place too, but the place was so filthy nobody could tell… yeah, that bad)… he had three or four roommates that were even less apt to clean up behind themselves than he is, so it was a place i didn't even want to crash in or shower in when i was homeless…

Raspy lives in denial a lot… he swore it was not him, that he couldn't stand living that way and my space wouldn't turn into the same mess… and this space is not as bad, but the habits that covered the kitchen in grease and made the mess (frying everything, not wiping up splatter, rarely cleaning counters or anything, and leaving things piled up everywhere) are evident here and Precious is much worse… she simply does not clean up behind herself at all, literally leaving her trash everywhere…

apparently, I live in denial a lot too… and being a chameleon is no excuse… i choose who i live with… i choose the energy i surround myself with… i choose to end sentence after sentence with prepositions, or whatever… is choose to ignore the health hazards, the lack of respect, the unpleasant environment, the lack of social life or active life or life as i know (or once knew) life… i choose to forget my laundry is in the drier after the drier stops so the shirts get wrinkly…

i'll be back…

ok, i hung up the shirts… back to the self-assessment and looking around at RealLife™ in RealTime™ and the real stupidity i do to myself and the real whining and bullshit rationalizations and intellectualizations and excuses and blah blah blahblahblah retarded thinking i put into words instead of actually doing something to change what i can change and do not like…

O . . O

O

and the lease is up at the end of January and we are talking about what to do as this apartment rent is rising again and Rasputin says he cannot afford the rent without help… we agreed when Precious came to live with us that he would pay rent and i would cover all other house expenses (including her cell phone)… most of the kitchen stuff is mine… i bought the couches cheap a while back… they are looking raggedy now… i bought a $200 vacuum that burned out because Precious, when told to use it, let it burn out by not removing hair from the beater bar brush (probably deliberately, or at least carelessly sabotaged it so she wouldn't have to clean)… the utilities and expenses i cover still comes to more than i would be spending if i shared a two bedroom with a roommate and divided expenses evenly and now, because Precious and Rasputin decided she'd stay home instead of going away to university, my monthly bill may go up even more…

is it because i don't want to live alone?... is it because i feel obligated?... it is because I am a sap and get tied into helping people, probably because i am always searching for and hoping for a family that will appreciate and love me like families do (or so i've always heard)… but it always seems to be a one way street with me giving and others taking… nobody takes me out to dinner for my birthday, heck, i don't even get presents or cards (though you, dear few reader-friends, have been good to me from your far away places and i do much appreciate you for that and i hope you understand that still wanting some personal appreciation in my physical world life does not diminish my appreciation of you)…

anyway, we've looked around at houses lately because we can get more space in a house for less money and we will be able to maintain our balance of Raspy covering rent and me covering the others stuff… though electric and cable and probably water and garbage and lawn care will go up in a house, further raising my monthly bills, not to mention not having a gym or pool unless i pay for a membership somewhere… i can see a move to a house costing me an extra $150-$200 a month, actually, which is not what i am looking for… not to mention the probability that the house will just provide more space for more mess and because it's on ground level, more potential for roaches and vermin… and more work for me if i want to live in a clean place… and then there's the fact that i will have to put down the deposit and security because neither of them have credit (Raspy is overextended because he bought a new last year car)…

and i sit here now reflecting on a life in which i seem to always attract needy people who come to depend on me and eventually take for granted that i will give them more on every level than they give me… every relationship, intimate or not, has either started out as or turned into this sort of imbalance, except one that started out with me giving more than ever in almost every way and ended up with me taking more than ever, but only materially (and that roller coaster is one i miss more than most, though it was probably better for her growth to detach from me and maybe drop contact as well, but that's another long story)…

and i sit here pondering how to start again in another living space with Rasputin and Precious… how not to make the same mistakes of ignoring their habits and letting them make the mess they make when we agreed going in that the place would not turn into a mess… and how to keep my expenses from going up… and how to create and maintain a space i will want to call mine, to live in, and to invite friends and strangers into… and how to further develop my social life…

first, i probably ought to stop whining…

aye…