just for you (mostly)

i suppose that when i get tired of complaining about the messy living space around me (and i want to ignore it) or when i am tired of babbling on about this or that to distract myself from the pieces missing from the puzzle of this life as i know it (or the empty chairs in the conference table of my mind), especially when hopes for the connections and people i'd like to find just don't happen time after time) i appear to have little to say about the RealTime™ so i ramble a bit elsewhere and let the bubbles of thought and emotion out in rhymes and vegetate (especially these days as i am less physically active, in terms of exercise, than i've been in many years and feel atrophied and bloated) in between the mostly sedentary social activities that keep me busy (hopefully not in vain in spite of present results) and few words appear and days go by here…

but i still appreciate you and treasure your words and want you to know… so this one is for you (we'll get back to me and my narcissistic self-indulgent apparently random babble one of these days)… all is as well as it can be given the physical limits and the body appears to be healing (about halfway to being able to run again, i'd estimate, which means maybe by next month sometime)… tell me to eat better (like i might listen to anybody not in my face, or in my face for that matter)… ah yes, humor intact, all is well…

thank you for being out there…

apple crap

i'll probably spend most of this weekend uploading cds to the mybook drive, twice, since itunes and windows do not get along and want to waste my time… the incompatibility of competing software and operating systems sucks… specifically, i mean mp3 and m4a files… so i let itunes covert all the cds i put into the computer into m4a files cuz m4a files are supposedly the best sound (though wav files may be just as good if i really investigated sound quality), but then if i want to upload a song to the web i have to use the mp3 format and that means converting and itunes is a pain when it comes to converting individual files (and ever so slow importing and converting to mp3) so i either have to explore additional software or change the options in itunes and load and convert the cd again and then have duplicate files in the itunes player and it's a time consuming annoying process… that's why i don't use music in my blogs nearly as much as i'd like to… crappy inconvenient apple software…

not that microsoft is any better, or any large corporation these days for that matter, but this is an apple itunes rant… so continuing… not to mention the fact that like most microsoft products, screen propriaety is built into itunes… that is probably the most intrusive and disrespectful aspect of software these days… simply, that itunes will not work in the background… so as i am typing this, itunes might grab the screen and do whatever keyboard instructions it was not supposed to be getting just because it took over the computer and switched windows while i was typing…

who's computer is it, anyway?...

and what's with the way itunes sorts music?... way too many cds get categorized as compilations when they are not compilations and then they do not appear in the artist's music folder when i go looking for a song file… and it does it haphazardly, without rhyme or reason... disk one of a two disk set will be put in a folder under the artist's name while disk two of the same set will go in the compilations folder with no artist's name so finding it becomes a matter of hit and miss searching... ridiculously poor programming from my perspective...

and the folders itunes create are not based on the cd, but rather based on the artist so i do not find all the songs on a cd in the same folder if the song features another artist or is a duet or something… why doesn't itunes just keep the cd files together… not to mention that if you love to play with statistics like i do, having multiple copies of a song screws with the number of plays as itunes doesn't count plays by title but rather by file… so again, why not file stuff together… greed, it's all about greed… compatibility means less money for the companies… then there's the annoying intrusion or itunes seeming to need frequent automatic updates that screws with the player, the browser (cuz quicktime and flash update as well) and require a shut down and reboot…

all in all, apple is no better than microsoft with it's intrusions into what i want to do with a computer… it is amazing that other companies do not start up and offer more user respectful software by now… i mean, do you think we would put up with any product that was constantly doing things we did not want to do?... like a car that stopped running when it wanted to unless you took it in for service at that moment… or a car that turned left when you wanted to turn right… people are just so uneducated about computers they put up with the proprietary software and inconveniences that we'd never put up with from other products…

vent over…

actually, as much as the software disrespect is annoying, maybe the venting whining ranting complaining bitching crap is really more about… well, i'll leave that for tomorrow night's entry which will be uploaded any moment now (so if you're real good and stay tuned, you'll be here when it appears and can be the first to know)…

thank you for that :)

less activity = less sleep

but that is not good for the head or the body... so i am currently meeting with myself and the others who often occupy the head i know as mine in this life to discuss the recent years of vegetative suicidal choices (like eating the typical national diet, for one) and hopefully in a non-specific amount of linear time i shall emerge from the deliberations with a new drug attitude and determination to actualize myself, instead of coalescing with the status quo around me...

maybe a flight of fancy out to the west coast would help...

but for the moment, between headaches and body stiffness from poor diet and lack of exercise (and age?... no, we shall not accept any concept of oldness or giving up on the anything is possible philosophy today... ok, that's good), i shall observe the conference call between my ears and hope for the best...

or to say it a slightly other way:

ok, so i found a few rhymes rolling out today, between TV distractions (Precious wanted to watch American Idol) and talking to this body that is being quite distracting of late, what with the hamstring and bloatedness and in the past twenty four or so hours, adjusting to a dietary change of eliminating processed sugar and fat crap and starting to eat healthier food which is usually accompanied by a lingering frontal lobe headache (and tonight is no exception)… hopefully i will maintain discipline and move through this initial stage to the change of habit stage and maintain it for a few months in spite of the unhealthy influences around me (near and far)… anyway, the rhymes, like the videos and other thoughts that grow on the branches off the tree of madness (see right sidebar) will find their way out on the web somewhere when i find time and motivation to figure out where they belong…

well that was a little different, anyway...

inter-cranial round tables almost always emit rhyming particles, it's basic bio-chemical-physics as far as i am concerned... i should listen to my own music now and then… most of all, i must stop waiting for someone else to come along to lead me back to where i belong... almost nobody cares that much (and it's rare to meet an almost nobody, especially in real time in real life offline)... so even though i do not particularly want to do it all by myself all over again (haven't we been in this loop a few times in this blog alone?... stupid is as stupid does... but i am an innocent man, and it's not just a song... amazing, isn't it?... so many layers, levels, statues without limitations... all spiced with self-mockery, naturally, of course, ya know... who could ever connect to them all... no less it... yeah, that magical mystical it, not IT, or even it, but simply it... and the boy asked, "all of it?" and the other spoke, "no need to say all of it, for it is all..." and i wander off into the conversation no one is part of outside of my mind, so excuse me whilst i close this parentheses and continue the blog entry without me)...

i wish you peace, i wish you love
i wish you dreams that you dream of
i wish you time to live and share
i wish you someone there to care
someone who knows you through and through
someone who gives the same to you
someone who creates the ultimate two
someone who makes all your dreams come true

even if it's almost nobody who can, i hope you find your almost nobody... soon :)

do what i say, not what i do, or at least not what i say i do

fact is, i have not made the time this weekend to do laundry and that is a sign that i have not made the time for the home me (homie?) and that means the writer was not given the time and direction/focus to write… much TV distraction, and some outdoor wandering (Raspy drove around rather aimlessly with the top down), but no time for the words… that is not a good sign, so what am i hiding (or hiding from?)…

bloatedness, for one thing… i think it was last week that i told myself (and even told Rasputin) that the free-for-all pigging out stopped today (that today was last weekend, i think, as i said, before even)… i did not follow through on my statement and that would be an irritant to my psyche, because i seldom do not follow through on my out-loud spoken statements, but enough to turn off the truth-seeking missile that are my free-associating missives?... perhaps, but maybe not…

overall environs respect seems to have weakened to nil...

whatever, still, it sucks that i let this body regain the thirty or so pounds it lost last year…. and feeling sorry for myself because nobody around here (meaning the physical space, not meaning you guys in cyberspace) cares is a piss poor excuse for stupidity that i rarely used to tolerate from myself for more than a day or few… and i am not even pouring the crap out into the lands of the mostly dead, i am just letting it fester and propagate within my psyche…

i really don't want to be this mentally ill (and should not be laughing, right), but apathy and ambivalence are ganging up on me and i'm just spiting my nose to cut off my face… or something like that… as if someone might care if i toy around with the typical human suicidal tendencies that are so prevalent in our culture… but nobody does care… everybody just wants to join me in the next all-you-can-eat buffet pig-out…

i did pitch a softball game, walked none, but the team behind me could not catch, throw, or show any awareness of what to do with the ball after they chased it down, so the team lost as expected… hopefully the coach will drill some drills into their heads and teach them some skills… skills with drills... meanwhile, playing with people who really do not know how to play is quite dangerous for a guy with a torn hamstring because there are way too many opportunities to chase an errant ball that someone threw wildly or someone else just missed and i will definitely not heal if i let my instincts have me jumping after errant balls…

alas, nobody's perfect… i did set the healing back a week or so by straining the tear just a bit one time (and just one time is all it takes, kind of like you can't be partially pregnant) and that reminder kept me from doing it again… one of these days i will be healed and hopefully find myself pitching for a team that has some skills and not be among the cellar dwellers, but mostly i just want to be on a team that keeps the score close enough to play a full game… it's a long ride for a shortened game due to the rules of the scoreboard…

when Precious got home she wanted to turn on the oscars, so i watched the awards given to actors for roles and movies i mostly did not see… and while semi-glancing up, i wandered through posts at tom lundy's blog (another recommendation from the impulsive parts of the psyche... go see) and found much reason to ponder when i have more time to ponder… like why are we still not calling our government out on the hypocrisy of pointing fingers at others for human rights violations and dictatorship-like bullying while we still keep occupying forces in foreign countries for more than sixty years…

meanwhile, i continue popping entries into other branches off the tree of madness and seem to be pondering expanding the video blogs (the video me and random pop news) that sprouted from the trunk a few months back… and tonight i returned to pondering yet another related to modern techno-stuff that seem fun to play with…

but really, i should be sleeping…

so nite nite and i hope you had a wonderful weekend and make this a wonderful week cuz you deserve all the wonderful you can create… even if you doubt it or flat out don't believe it, you do... deserve it… so do it… after a good night's sleep…

untitled mission

because i can and have nothing else to do because i am alone again and reruns of Futurama are simply not enough stimulation for the senses or synapses in the skull on the shoulders of the body in which i find myself at the moment, and most of the time, for that matter, i come here again to spread my merry wares and provide the words that shall drift into obscurity almost as fast as i can type them…

it is raining… it is the first rain i can remember in quite some time… which reminds me of the time i went out running in the rain… naked… the rain was pretty naked too… it was the middle of the night and it just had to be done… the neighborhood was never ever the same again, at least not from my perspective… but those were the good old days when i actually ran around for miles and miles and exercised daily and danced each night away… ah yes, the nineties…

life has not been all that organized this past week… instead of going to work and then going to some meetup every day and coming home tired and happy about socializing, i've been vegetating and distracting myself with occasional glances at the TV and chameleoning into the couch potato life here at home while hardly sleeping and feeling too tired to do anything (the lazy loop) and feeling lonely for company and interaction… though i am happy i shared all this with you and tickled pick when you find some way to respond…

earlier i went to Jackson's place to watch the UCF game… my lazy weekend kept me awake until past sunrise, so i did not wake at 9am to get to Sea World with the strangers in the meetup group and the group at Jackson's place sounded more appealing to my subconscious, which makes the decisions while i am sleeping… unfortunately, alas and oh well, UCF (the local university team) quarterback gave the game away throwing three or four interceptions and losing a fumble and getting nothing done on offense (yes, it was 90%, at least, one person's fault) and the great game the rest of the team played was negated and they lost 10 to 3… bummer…

another bummer was the jerk cop who gave me a speeding ticket as i was rushing over to Jackson's to catch the game… obviously not a UCF fan as he delayed me almost a half hour after i explained why i was speeding and asked him to be a good community supporter and understand… he could have just written the ticket and sent me on my way, but he was smirking as he sat in his car a twenty minutes and then gave me a ten minute speech about speeding… when he was done and asked if i had any questions i said no, but as he turned to walk away i said i'll be sure not to speed the day Michigan destroys Florida… he reeled around and that's when i was sure he was a Florida fan and my talking about UCF was a big reason he gave me the ticket and delayed me so long… i asked him if there was anything else and he just glared, to his credit, because it showed he was smart enough to not do or say anything to prove his underlying motive, which would be highly unethical and very embarrassing to the sheriff's department… so i laughed and drove off with him standing there glaring at me and his smirk was gone, but it'll cost me about $200…

luck of the draw, as there were at least four cars driving the same speed i was as we passed the speed trap, one just ahead of me and two right behind me… some cops just respond negatively to the long hair and the red cavalier… it's my first ticket in five or more years, i think, cuz i am usually much more aware of the speed traps around here… hopefully my insurance doesn't go up…

meanwhile, the home environment is as dead as ever… no exercise, no life, no socializing, no movement, really, except for food… so the garbage and clutter and mess remains and i must resist the laziness to continue motivating myself to move around and get out more for social life and exercise…

and poor Raspy… he drinks Diet Pepsi non-stop (and that's all he calls a "drink" when he is thirsty and wants a "drink") and then wonders why he is always warm and thirsty… look at the data on caffeine and aspartame and you find it plays with the brain parts that control thirst and body heat, tricking the brain into believing the body is dehydrating and overheating… Precious is the same (though she substitutes sugar and fat for aspartame) and adds close to a hundred pounds of unnecessary fat… they always complain that it's too hot when i don't have the air-conditioning down to below seventy degrees… unfortunately, that means my electric bill stays high because the air conditioning is never cool enough for them… lately i've kept the windows open and am loving the fresh air, but even in winter it gets close to eighty degrees (or more) during the day most days… but that's why i moved down here… i love the heat… and living in the hermetically sealed air-conditioned space just adds to the not-me environment (mess) this space has become over the years…

so my mission, jim, is to accept my mission, which is to extricate myself from the heavy gooey laziness that smothers energy and life in this environment (and stuffs it with fats and sugars and the typical "american" diet)… and as i wrote this, i failed… yes, tomorrow's entry will explain in more detail, i suppose, but since this entry is being completed tomorrow you might as well know that it was just interrupted by a trip out to a downtown chinese dim sum place for some excellent dim sum… $30 i did not need to spend… a ton of fatty food i did not need to eat… but so it goes around these parts… maybe next week i will have more will power…

so my mission, jim, is to accept my mission…

and meanwhile, you are wonderful to be here, it's certainly a thrill, you're such a lovely audience i'd like to take you home with me i'd love to take you home… and my egocentric fantasy about being rich and famous continues as i spend money i would better spend on more useful things (as if i am rich) and i write silly thoughts about the many fans out there waiting for my next bit of babble (as if i am famous) and not to mention, good (so why am i giggling… cuz i love it when i mock myself, you know)… when will the positive influence come along?... when i let it?... when somebody cares?... it's so much more the latter than the former, really, if you know knew… but hope springs eternal again and again… so cheer yourself on and i'll cheer myself on and we can cheer each other on from afar and appreciate it cuz it is so much worth the value of the relatively little time we spend here…

and think healthy thoughts…

nite nite :)

reflections on home, sorta

there is something exciting about this, but i'm just not there at the moment… there being taking a leadership role in organizing people… i was there about eight years ago and several times for periods of a few years before that, but other things, positive (like love, family, personal creativity, wandering) and not (like usury, abuse, being burned, disillusionment) lead me away from the desire to be a leader or organizer of people… and i've never been much of a follower (unless i'm in love or living with someone, then i'm a chameleon), so it stands to reason rather solitary periods fall between those periods when i am motivated to organize… solitary periods have included a few wonderful relationships though as i count those years i lived in a space of shared love as a solitary period…

meanwhile, returning to RealTime™ again, for posterity, memory, and because sometimes i must clean out my head (and space) and writing is how i do it and i put it out here because i long to share everything with someone who cares to know me and everything about me before, now, and forever... and also for anyone who really wants to know more about where i live, how i live, and maybe even why (you've been warned)…

i woke from a nap perturbed a few hours ago… i remembered something Rasputin had said about Precious cleaning her room just as i was nodding off a few hours earlier after taking the three of us out to dinner for Precious's birthday… it's a running (and rather sad) joke around here, that Precious might someday clean her room (the sad part is she is ashamed to let her friends see her room so she has very rarely entertained any friends in her room in the four years she's lived here and that's why she leaves things all over the living room and kitchen, because she has no clear space to put anything in her room, which makes the shared living space a cluttered mess that i do not bring anyone into, which has further kept me isolated and without a social life… being a chameleon is not always the best way to be when living with slobs… and i only partly digress)… it was something about workmen coming into the space and having to clear the window areas because the management is putting new windows in the place…

after searching through the pile of papers and assorted stuff they leave on the kitchen counter, i found the notice from the apartment complex a full week ago… nice that they buried the notice in their crap, but at least i accidentally heard about it before the workmen showed up when i was not here and found windows blocked by my stuff… typical, and Rasputin will probably tell me that he told me last week, but that doesn't change the fact that, as with my mail too often, i never saw the notice as it got buried in their pile of crap that they leave on the counters, the tables, the couches, and wherever else they put anything down…

so instead of catching up on sleep, i spent the evening cleaning and moving furniture in the living room and my bedroom… and doing laundry… and, once again, facing the living situation i so readily ignore most of the time… facing the mess, the clutter, the fact that i will not invite people over to this space, the fact that i do not really live here, that i live like a refugee in someone else's dirty space…

we talked about this before Rasputin moved in with me after my former roommate moved out… his last place was a serious pig sty… roaches crawled around freely… everything in the kitchen, floor to ceiling, was covered in a thick dark layer of grease… piled of papers, mail, and crap were strewn everywhere… dust was thick in the air and on everything… and they had a cat that stunk up the place (the cat had to go within a few months of Rasputin moving in here because he peed on things, including Rasputin's bed… he probably peed places in his former place too, but the place was so filthy nobody could tell… yeah, that bad)… he had three or four roommates that were even less apt to clean up behind themselves than he is, so it was a place i didn't even want to crash in or shower in when i was homeless…

Raspy lives in denial a lot… he swore it was not him, that he couldn't stand living that way and my space wouldn't turn into the same mess… and this space is not as bad, but the habits that covered the kitchen in grease and made the mess (frying everything, not wiping up splatter, rarely cleaning counters or anything, and leaving things piled up everywhere) are evident here and Precious is much worse… she simply does not clean up behind herself at all, literally leaving her trash everywhere…

apparently, I live in denial a lot too… and being a chameleon is no excuse… i choose who i live with… i choose the energy i surround myself with… i choose to end sentence after sentence with prepositions, or whatever… is choose to ignore the health hazards, the lack of respect, the unpleasant environment, the lack of social life or active life or life as i know (or once knew) life… i choose to forget my laundry is in the drier after the drier stops so the shirts get wrinkly…

i'll be back…

ok, i hung up the shirts… back to the self-assessment and looking around at RealLife™ in RealTime™ and the real stupidity i do to myself and the real whining and bullshit rationalizations and intellectualizations and excuses and blah blah blahblahblah retarded thinking i put into words instead of actually doing something to change what i can change and do not like…

O . . O

O

and the lease is up at the end of January and we are talking about what to do as this apartment rent is rising again and Rasputin says he cannot afford the rent without help… we agreed when Precious came to live with us that he would pay rent and i would cover all other house expenses (including her cell phone)… most of the kitchen stuff is mine… i bought the couches cheap a while back… they are looking raggedy now… i bought a $200 vacuum that burned out because Precious, when told to use it, let it burn out by not removing hair from the beater bar brush (probably deliberately, or at least carelessly sabotaged it so she wouldn't have to clean)… the utilities and expenses i cover still comes to more than i would be spending if i shared a two bedroom with a roommate and divided expenses evenly and now, because Precious and Rasputin decided she'd stay home instead of going away to university, my monthly bill may go up even more…

is it because i don't want to live alone?... is it because i feel obligated?... it is because I am a sap and get tied into helping people, probably because i am always searching for and hoping for a family that will appreciate and love me like families do (or so i've always heard)… but it always seems to be a one way street with me giving and others taking… nobody takes me out to dinner for my birthday, heck, i don't even get presents or cards (though you, dear few reader-friends, have been good to me from your far away places and i do much appreciate you for that and i hope you understand that still wanting some personal appreciation in my physical world life does not diminish my appreciation of you)…

anyway, we've looked around at houses lately because we can get more space in a house for less money and we will be able to maintain our balance of Raspy covering rent and me covering the others stuff… though electric and cable and probably water and garbage and lawn care will go up in a house, further raising my monthly bills, not to mention not having a gym or pool unless i pay for a membership somewhere… i can see a move to a house costing me an extra $150-$200 a month, actually, which is not what i am looking for… not to mention the probability that the house will just provide more space for more mess and because it's on ground level, more potential for roaches and vermin… and more work for me if i want to live in a clean place… and then there's the fact that i will have to put down the deposit and security because neither of them have credit (Raspy is overextended because he bought a new last year car)…

and i sit here now reflecting on a life in which i seem to always attract needy people who come to depend on me and eventually take for granted that i will give them more on every level than they give me… every relationship, intimate or not, has either started out as or turned into this sort of imbalance, except one that started out with me giving more than ever in almost every way and ended up with me taking more than ever, but only materially (and that roller coaster is one i miss more than most, though it was probably better for her growth to detach from me and maybe drop contact as well, but that's another long story)…

and i sit here pondering how to start again in another living space with Rasputin and Precious… how not to make the same mistakes of ignoring their habits and letting them make the mess they make when we agreed going in that the place would not turn into a mess… and how to keep my expenses from going up… and how to create and maintain a space i will want to call mine, to live in, and to invite friends and strangers into… and how to further develop my social life…

first, i probably ought to stop whining…

aye…

online, offline, life in thought and beyond

profound title, no?... ok, so no, but hey, irony, sarcasm, and self-deprecating humor is what it's all about around here (not to mention small words in italics to add a certain emphasis cuz, after all, what is sarcasm without a little emphasis)...

in between the annoying fast-forwarding distractions of the first season of Gilmore Girls and the glare of the florescent kitchen light, we are catching up on the past several days because i've just become so busy with life that i don't have time for my usual babbling or Gilmore-Girl-esque sarcastic banter... yeah, isn't it ironic...

i wonder how many get it...

meanwhile, in the continuing saga of the mislabeled time-date stamp saga, or scandel, this would be something like sunday morning after the night out partying with the film people... i drank alcohol like i was a normal human... and chatted, even may have accomplished some small talk... and, get this, i think i may have remembered a few names... who knows, a friend or something might happen to me... maybe i still have an intact social skill or two up my sleeve...

amazing, huh?...

ok, so all hopeful sarcasm aside, it was a fun night in spite of the typical human social situations... good food and occasionally, interesting conversation... no sparks, but then, maybe i should go out more than once before i find sparks cuz, after all, there may be some value in patience and besides, the forest is awfully dry...

and then, not to be outdone or too much the socialite, i returned to the internet world we all love so dearly and found a few caustic words to inspire me to become oppositional or simply amuse myself by plucking at the feathers of an idea that the reluctant curmudgeon (yes, z0tl) provided (cuz he loves me and love will provide, ya know?)... yeah, so let's get on with it already, shall we?...

z0tl said:

one day when you realize you're stupider than a dumb RNA virus that can turn your bRain into mush, we'll be here to provide answers to your next irrelevant question.

it's called cut and paste

& google. one day this need to defend goes away completely. then the real clogging of toilets begins.

pernickety said:

You are being influenced.

I just had to include that cuz love pernickety's sense of perspective, and humor... besides, i love it when someone can say in just a few words what i attempt to say in a thousand... succinct clarity is a beautiful thing :)

but then i went on (as usual) with my own response, profound as it may be, ever slipping tongue in cheek to ease the tension of egocentric folly that passes as profound wisdom just cuz it borders on making sense just enough to tweak the insecurities of the intellectual elite who must either scoff and write it off in collective defense of their inadequacies or pondered quietly as if it is hanging on some wall in some snooty art gallery... or something like that... anyway...

I said:

congratulations, you have inspired a portion of a sunday sermon unfettered by grammatical corrections or editing as yet and already in progress:

yes, there are those who use the cpg method of blogging, or even cpgy* method, though some might split hairs and claim it is copy rather than cut and yet, there is no shame in putting together a compilation of others for there is great art in editing, a skill i have little desire to explore as i have written many times, i'd rather be creating but just as often i've wished for an editor to connect some of my dots into a form more humans might understand better...

in recent blog incarnations like pop news and the video me, i am exploring this editor side of unnatural selection and the cp method, though i am more likely to use the cpy or cpyt method... and come to think of it, i've started using the cpp or cppp method in my current primary blog here (when did i realize that btc was no longer primary?... wow, how the mind represses and denies without telling the consciousness much, huh?)...

and yet, original though, if it ever existed or could possibly exist, comes closest to naked fruition and public exposure to and for more people than ever before here in this internet age whether using a cp* method or any other, and that may turn out to be a good thing if it unified and demystifies and bridges gaps and therein increases the possibilities of human understanding and world peace and fun...

pure babble even, is such a concept or thing exists outside of the mind, might be the alternative to the cp* method, however it just as easily might incorporate the cp* style as all influences are welcome and should flow freely in pb...

as for me, i reserve judgments or any form for form is merely the container for content... it matters little to me if the water i thirst for is brought to me in a tin cup or a gold chalice, assuming it is naturally or somehow filtered and or pasteurized (but then, perhaps water is not the best example for this metaphor, or is this an analogy... in any case, it's probablt distracting from the point if there aever was a point to this comment, and there was, actually, quite directly responding to the post that may well be gone by the time this comment concludes and is posted)...

in summary:

it matters little to me whether a great idea is given to me by the creator of the idea or by the millionth person who had the idea pass through their mind...

if i enjoy the idea enough, i will do my best to seek out many to share reflection on the idea and even the creator, if he or she is available...

so good people of the world, enjoy and read and share as you please, even if it is judgment and some false sense of superiority that makes the most sense and rings your feel-good bell about yourself...

and don't let it get you down, unless you want to be down.

which, after emerging from the central core of my own thought cloud, was immediately followed up by influence from the comment that immediately preceded mine (noted above)…

also, what pernickety said :)

finally, i replied to the ether in a second add-on, though not technically labeled PPS:

also, from personal to cosmic, because i care about you and want to keep in touch and i believe we can not have too many people caring and it is a better world if we all keep in touch...

yes, this entry is full of itself, as usual... but it's full of others too and they are definitely worth reading, so i've elevated my mindless babbling by including them (which is the secret, by the way)...

someday i might complete this... or make a point... until then, we'll just have to be satisfied that i seem to have caught up, in time or space or something like that... meanwhile, the TV just finally went off... the kitchen light remain on, of course, because caring to remember the request to turn off lights or consideration for wasting someone else's money is just beyond some people...

humans really are strangely self-centered and unaware of their surroundings most of the time... it's amazing they've survived this long...

tomorrow, more, until then, laugh or cry, but try to enjoy your choices... or at least be aware of them, ya know? :)

and oh, what cathartic brilliance might have been...

another day, another positive spin (and distraction)

oh, did i say that?... well, yes, ultimately, that's what it comes down it… it being everything… for better or worse (and hopefully for better), happy people are happy because we put a positive spin on everything… hopefully we are not deluding ourselves (or others) too much, but everything is a matter of perspective, which ads our own sensory perception to every experience, which allows for and even requires at least a bit of imagination or illusion, of filling in blanks and putting the sight and sounds and other sensory input together in a conceptual form that becomes a picture in our minds…

so that's what i do on good days… i look around and experience life and find the positives, the fun (and funny), and the best perspective i can find… cuz depression is boring after a few days, or hours, even… unless it's the mocking of depression like the robot does in Douglas Adams books… real depression is looking at the same things that happy people look at and finding no positive spin, no endearing memory, no reason to smile… reasons to smile are not out gifts, we make them in our minds… we choose to find a reason to in our perspective… we create a reason to smile in our thoughts…

we being happy people…

so here i am lost in another weekend of vegetation… forgetting the plans i had for being uber busy… letting the lettuce go bad in the fridge while i eat more leftover stuffing (thanksgiving food, it's all stuffing, really)… adding chocolate cake and ice cream to the mix… joining in with the same old same ultra lazy old couch potato lifestyle that the other two people i live with live so well… yes, if laziness could be an extreme sport, we are professional gold medalists here… and the body cries out as it is drowning in sugar and fat and it's own bloat as i sink deeper into the big green chair and make no movement to even walk around, no less get out and walk or be action or run or head to the social activities i listed in a previous post… my instinctive nature to rebel against scheduling and planning, perhaps… or maybe just my overall fatigue after working without any extended vacation for almost seven consecutive years…

most people might not notice the deep fatigue that sets in with the modern life… i do… and i've lived this long still about to bounce around and run miles and keep on going and going and going like the energizer bunny because i have taken the time to rest and exercise regularly in this life… until the last few years…

until last summer, i was seriously gearing up for a few months, maybe a year off next year… I think, for me, at least, that taking a few months (minimum) or a year off every decade is essential for maintaining conscious awareness and optimal health… and this decade was coming to it's last couple of years and everything was falling into place for a timely break from the race (please?) when Precious, in her infinite … [separation anxiety, fear of abandonment, fear of responsibility, fear of being alone, laziness, selfishness, spoiled-ness, usury, childishness, other] … put the kabash on that idea by decided first to put off going to college, then changing colleges, then finally deciding it would be better for her to stay home another four years, at least, and go to the local university…

now i know i am not financially obligation to continue living with and therein spending money on Precious and Rasputin (besides the cash flow that goes out each month, the loan amount has risen to over $2000 this week), but sharing is why i am here (in this life) and i have rarely found a sharing situation wherein i did not give more, on every level, than those with whom i was sharing… this is probably a subconscious choice, as giving is one of my favorite of all things to do in this life… but the permanent connection, the permanent commitment has been reserved for the one and since i have not found her, i've had the luxury of taking me time in this life… what i must do now is balance some me time with the sharing that will apparently continue, maybe for another few years…

finding the one or a compatible intimate life partner or even a close friend who shares my ways and perspectives and ideals and interests could change everything… would, actually… so don't let this lazy apparently wasted weekend get you down, it's necessary, the body must be rested and rejuvenated before the energy rise will not hurt it… must write less (what?... what was that?... did someone say write less?... who'd gone mad?... want me to go mad?... writing is the only link to any semblance of functional sanity and fitting in to this human world… without the writing, i'll just drift off into who knows where, oblivion, at least… how much less?) a bit, as much less as possible… maybe spending less time at the computer, browsing, is necessary… must TV less (that i can handle)… working less would be good, but that is not probably for the foreseeable future… maybe i should start playing the lottery every week…

obviously my pure genius brilliant art of the babble isn't attracting any unconscionably wealthy patron of the arts, or sugar momma, even… just how did Moses and Jesus and Joan and Socrates and Mom Theresa and Gandhi and all these self-help gurus and prophets and saints feed, cloth, and house themselves, anyway?... no wonder few lived long… maybe i should start fasting again… ah yes, miracles and the kindness of strangers, two of the blind faith fantasies most humans believe in…

yes, irreverence saves the day…well, for me at least… but then, i'm not much like anyone i've ever met no matter how much i pretend to try to become a normal average human type… i've been amuse and smiling (and now finally giggled) throughout this entry as the song included above has been downloading and will be for another hour and a half or so according to the torrent program i am using (hoping i don't torrent myself into a mess as i still have no virus protection or whatever else might protect a computer… haven't even installed the bellsouth software cuz i am not sure where the disk is, though i'll need it when Precious gets her nice new laptop next week), which is the positive spin thing referred to earlier in this entry…

so there you have it, right here and now, in RealTime™, even, done right before your eyes… practicing the preaching (T-Shirt idea… "Don't interrupt me, I'm practicing the preaching" or something like that)… yes, i am making the most of, the best, of the lemonade from the lemons of life… even though the football on TV is crap today and there's nothing else on and i still don't have a DVR to record the shows i'd actually check out at lazy times like these if i had them recorded… even though the laziness has won most of, perhaps all of, yet another weekend and opportunities for social life or improved fitness fall by the wayside… even though i am not piling up the retirement nest-egg i could be piling up so working longer into life is most probable… even though i am lonelier and lazier and stupider and more human than ever, i am resting… maybe even recuperating… and still optimistic and positive and excited about the potential for sharing in the upcoming week… and the potential that a more rested body might provide for me in this life…

so it's not just irreverence, there's usually seriousness behind the irreverence or i wouldn't take the positive effects of the irreverence seriously, but i rarely explain it or even touch upon it as i am doing here… that's reserved for someone who asks me to my face to join in the exploration of the ways and means to the methods of my madness…

so what else is new?... commentary on football?... sure, why not:

among the stupid human decisions that come to mind on any given Sunday in the fall or winter is the recent years of professional football… first, the word professional is fine to use for any profession, but the commissioner and owners make a mockery of the word… while it's all well and good to want to maintain some level of ethical professionalism, they seem to miss the point that football is first and foremost a game and professional football is first and foremost entertainment… they do not play professional football, the game on television and on the big boards in Las Vegas and other legal and illegal gambling places because they love the game… they play the game to make money… the money comes from entertaining people and then selling people products because people are watching because people are entertained…

so the moral high ground that professional football and their announcers are taking on celebrations is ridiculous and downright stupid… people enjoy celebrations… people watch sports for the competition, to see one person or team do something to win and everyone (except the management and announcers) actually want to enjoy the win, celebrate it, even… so to force professional football players to repress their enthusiasm for the game after they completed some amazing physical feat, to penalize them if their natural adrenalin and human nature to celebrate inspires a back flip or a crazy dance or some other celebration of life, liberty, and the ability to be a great athlete is like putting the cork in the champagne bottle and saying in a serious drone, "Happy New Year"…

it is bad for business to repress the celebrations, worse to penalize players and teams (and fans) for enjoying athletic success…

i'd love to hear the logic or reasoning is behind the decision to squash the thrill of victory in recent years… is it the puritan crap that is basically a fear sex, don't let grown men shake their booty on TV (have you noticed that cheerleaders hardly ever get air time in the past decade?... think about it if you watch the game and remember how much a part of the TV game cheerleaders and halftime shows were until the last decade or so, especially since the slip of a breast during a super bowl… this culture really has an issue that borders on psychosis about sexuality… i think it's definitely beyond neurosis, but anyway, have you noticed?)…

celebration is what life is about… celebration is what sport is about… celebrating the physical ability to enjoy life… in the peculiar case of professional football, celebration is wrong… celebration is penalized… celebration can cost a team a victory…

the last though on this, for now, may be the most ironic of all… if the powers that run professional football are trying to raise some moral standard by reducing the enthusiasm and turning players into emotionless robots that simply perform, this particular sport is failing badly… the increase in criminal activity on all levels of professional football makes the whole concept of professionalism and well-behaved boys a farce… pro football is becoming more and more a joke and less and less a fun sport full of enthusiasm and excellent play…

if they want to give us robots, we might as well play video games… at least them we are part of the action…

so now it's a sports commentary blog… as usual, my primary blog, as with btc and blogs before it, turns into an anything goes free-for-all that rambles on too much to really find a niche or keep the attention of most human readers… who has the time, after all… well, a sugar momma who is into reading babble and has the time cuz she doesn't have to work and is board of the jet set consumerism life and wants to read a wild-eyed babbling fool, that's who… and crazies like you, of course… speaking of football games, ncaa college football by EA sports, now that would be a serious time absorber… i love that video game… one of these days, i'll fit that into my busy life… when i get a busy life, perhaps… but then, looking at the calendar on the right (way down there), i suppose i do have a relatively busy life even if i don't actually make it to every one of those concerts and events listed… i do make it to most… and there's other stuff happening, besides work, that doesn't get listed…

so ok, it's a wonderful life… just not quite as wonderful as the film :)

hope yours is too :)

the beautiful blur

ok, so life is a blur and any blur is more fun shared (not to mention much safer) with someone enjoying the same blur (blur being anything, really, even something not very blurry at all, but in this case, life is quite very blurry due to sleep deprivation due to booking many more activities than can fit in the circadian rhythm and definitely reaching the teary-eyed blurriness that few survive intact, but then, that is what the mental hospitals are for), but this solitary blur is in fact much fun and so far, relatively sane except for the way the body is swaying and demanding rest in the usual ways (like a slight scratchy throat suggesting a cold coming on… the cold {for Orlando, FL} nights out in T-Shirts after sweaty concert bouncing can do that)…

so i wander home alone after the communal rush of bouncing and flailing to music in a packed house, side by side like sardines, acting like moths drawn to flames… all for the love of music… and so i wander home singing wish you were here… in multi-part harmony, not to mention in several different songs, while the euphoria waves carry me to the best places i know…

and the process was repeated tonight, which would be Friday night, except that Rasputin and Precious were there, one on the floor with the kids and up on the second tier saying he felt old because the place was packed with kids, but then, the music is for everyone who loves the music and we drag him out now and then just to make sure his blood is still circulating cuz we wonder sometimes when he seems to become part of the couch… the crowds of kids are so repressed lately… the energy is stiflingly low… and sadly, the artists reflect this… it seems to me that these are the days when music is more energized when played back from recordings than when played live… the inadequate audio systems and poorly trained sound people definitely do not help at all…

the bands were dressed and groomed more pretty tonight… last night they all went for the grunge unbathed look… but last night was a much better concert, more people, more varied and lively audience, bigger stage so more energy on the stage… and it did not help that the venue cut the time of the show so that the bands had to cut out songs and were not permitted an encore… even more ridiculous was watching big bouncers intimidate kids away from the merchandise tables before they could spend the money in their hands… bad business… in fact, here's the letter i wrote to the promoters (yeah, i did):

Hi Molly,

It is good of you to notify fans. What was very unfair was the way fans were cheated out of a full show. I saw The Spill Canvas show in St. Pete on Thursday and again at The Social on Friday and both Meg & Dia and Spill Canvas had to cut their sets short and not permitted an encore because The Social double booked concerts Friday night. We paid for a full concert at The Club at Firestone prices, which are almost always a few dollars more than The Social prices. We were cheated due to the change in venue and time limitations.

In fact, the bands were cheated as well as we were not even permitted to buy merchandise after the show as loyal fans with money in their hands were intimidated right out the door at 8:30 PM by big bouncers.

Bad business that leaves a bad taste in the psyche of concert-goers. Many were talking about not coming to a concert at The Social again and asking for a refund next time the venue and show we paid for was no longer going to be what we paid for.

I realize that the change in venue may have been due to the low ticket sales, however that should not mean the people who did pay for a show should be short-changed on music and merchandise and then bullied by the venue employees. If anything, the two opening bands should have had their sets cut or simply not played, rather than have the band(s) we paid to see forced to short-change their audience. Or the second concert could have started later.

Perhaps the big business that music is does not leave room for caring about fans, or even about giving a fair show to paying customers, but I think it should. At least the lead singer of The Spill Canvas was gracious enough to apologize to the kids who did not see the better show they put on the night before at The State Theatre in St. Pete. The cynicism that corrupts most big business slowly destroys quality and loyalty and music is not immune.

Maybe this reminder, put in front of the right eyes or into the right ears, will help new bands find the success they seek, rather than undermine their own success by putting on mediocre shows like the one we attended Friday night at The Social.

Thanks for reading,
ric
407-325-1482

----- Original Message -----
From: Molly French (mfrench@artistarena.com)
Sent: Tuesday, November 13, 2007 3:31 PM
Subject: The Spill Canvas 11/16 ***IMPORTANT SHOW INFO***

Hello The Spill Canvas fans,

I am writing to inform you that the Friday, November 16th show originally scheduled to be held at Firestone, *has changed venues*. It will now be at The Social (54 North Orange Ave, about 5 blocks south of Firestone). The doors will still be at 5:00pm and you will be able to pick up your will-call orders at The Social’s box office.

We apologize if this causes any inconvenience. Thanks and have a great time at the show!!

Regards,
Artist Arena
*** If you have any questions, please first refer to our Frequently Asked Questions page. ***

MOLLY FRENCH
************
ARTIST ARENA
212.420.8500
853 Broadway
Suite 1710
NY, NY 10003

I wrote that the next night after a bit of sleep... there was just too much euphoric blur to be thinking those thoughts last night... and anyway, i did get a little extra sleep cuz i took Friday off, but the fun of music inspires too much great energy to spend much time sleeping it off… and that was the day that was when it was in RealTime™ and now, this is the entry that became of the day that was when it was in RealTime™ and you are the reader who cared to return to this entry that became of the day that was when it was in RealTime™ and i thank you then and i thank you now and i thank you all the time…

and nothing can totally undo the wonder that music provides and it is definitely easier to enjoy the fun in spite of the influences of human greed when the beautiful blur is in effect (and to think, some need drugs to get here)... hopefully there will be another generation that sheds the commercial crap and rises above the conformity and fears and repression to set their energy and love free again... until then, i'll just do it by myself and hope some might feel it now and then, even if they don't acknowledge it...

and hopefully you feel the fun of the beautiful blur too :)

practicing patheticism

or is that patheticysm… in either case, it seems a lot like a spiritual experience in this human form as pathos and self-indulgence breed poor-me selfish perspectives like a plague in our culture (and most others, right to the martyrdom so celebrated by the big religions of this world)… wait, rather than describe it in some faux-intellectual terms, i'll just try to express it…

so i passed up stopping for food and even passed up stopping at the supermarket intending to eat cereal or something else light and i find Precious walking in the door right behind me asking for food, or hinting, really, cuz she seldom actually asks and usually goes with the reverse you don't have to aloof and independent attitude, but somehow we ended up ordering from my favorite Italian place anyway… on my credit card… and a pizza for when Rasputin wakes… hopefully Raspy will have a twenty to toss my way and i won't have gone too crazy… $50 later , I am the reluctant owner of a ton more calories than I intended…

the idjit comes out for Halloween, no doubt… boo… always a great cultural excuse to eat fat and sugar, after all… so here we are back home again, the garbage piled up, the mess and messy as ever, and me whining and indulging my stupidity like a normal human being… maybe i shoulda gotten married like z… the trick there would be finding someone who simply cares, no less falls in love… at the moment, truly caring people seem to keep their distance from me, I mean, trusting that they actually do exist and are not just a myth…

ah, but how else would i amuse myself at home… the brain hurts… not enough REM sleep this week and a high carb diet will do that to the brain… at least that's the effect in the head between and above the shoulders of this body i sometimes call mine, and loosely when i do… i've obviously got nothing much to say tonight, so i am looking around and using everything around me to avoid my responsibility for my unhealthy and only momentarily satisfying behavior…

there, you see, the patheticysm is strong in this one tonight… thursday night patheticysm, could become a communal event, maybe even a cult… maybe i'll start a meetup… we could sit around channeling the great martyrs of history, meditate on the passion of the Christ, of Joan, of Mohammed… we could nurture the cynicism and self-pity and hopelessness so prevalent in our culture and embrace the easy excuses and bask in the pleasures of justified irresponsibility… oh, how glorious, we could make it holy, spill blood or something and drink poison and die, every Thursday at Thursday night patheticysm…

can life get any more fun?...

ok, next entry :)

glub glub

so long ago
so far away
so it seems
so it goes

memories flow through the music as i play the mp3 files on this laptop more and more now, though that is one reason i sleep less now as i treasure the quiet time with words and music while the roommates sleep as there's seldom a moment that the TV is not on when they are awake… headphones might help inside the head, though it'll remind me that the ears are not working as well as they used to, especially the left one that tells me i've put on some pounds again by ringing in it's tinitis way that it does when weight and blood pressure rise… avoidance isn't easy when cursed with awareness…

and on the flip side of the wonder and positivity that music brings back to my mind, the loneliness blossoms again as sharing the music is the icing on the cream-filled cake (and I loves me some serious icing, as you well might have heard somewhere, most likely here)… feeling bloated sucks, really… it takes so much of the fun, especially physical fun (and this is a physical world) out of life for me… couch potato bloat is so not where i want to be and the good news i am waking to find it really uncomfortable again… good news because i might change things, not good new cuz i am feeling masochistic, which is even better news…

tonight:

Name Put Your Lights On Comfortably Numb I Need You To Turn To Wish You Were Here First Episode At Hienton Still...You Turn Me On From The Beginning Any Colour You Like Time Is On My Side Speak To Me/Breathe Lucky Man You Never Really Know Us And Them The Greatest Discovery Time Because Isn't Life Strange As Tears Go By Your Song Brain Damage Eclipse Learning To Fly Deja Vu Your Song Brain Damage I Need You Everybody's Lonely Any Old Kind Of Day Short Stories Song For Myself First Episode At Hienton Talking To My Angel New Horizons When You're A Free Man Question I'm Just A Singer (In A R&R Band) Ride My See-Saw The Other Side Of Life I Know You're Out There Somewhere Nights In White Satin

Artist Santana Feat. Everlast Pink Floyd Elton John Pink Floyd Elton John Emerson, Lake & Palmer Emerson, Lake & Palmer Pink Floyd The Rolling Stones Pink Floyd Emerson, Lake & Palmer Richie Sambora Pink Floyd Elton John Pink Floyd The Beatles The Moody Blues The Rolling Stones Elton John Pink Floyd Pink Floyd Pink Floyd CSNY Elton John Pink Floyd America Harry Chapin Harry Chapin Harry Chapin Harry Chapin Elton John Melissa Etheridge The Moody Blues The Moody Blues The Moody Blues The Moody Blues The Moody Blues The Moody Blues The Moody Blues The Moody Blues

lost weekend (habitual)

so, it's Sunday and the previous three entries were completely ignored for the past three days that they waited for somebody to notice them… well, ok, so I just uploaded them, but posterity and history and future tribes don't have to know that… I intend to be a profoundly misunderstood and ignored poet genius way ahead of my time to future generations… kind of like Rumi, or Nostradamus, or Da Vinci, or Jesus, or Van Gogh, or Merlin, or somebody who knew all the answers but nobody listened to while I was alive… so pay no attention to the false confessions and slight-of-hand thoughts that are designed to confuse and maintain my stature (or is that status?) as the most unknown genius god guy of all time…

beware of the three Gs…

or something like that… it's been so long since anybody actually truly deeply (madly, even) understood me that I wonder why I go on continuing to write and dig deeper… who is ever going to catch up?... oh, here comes that Gavin Friday feeling again… and I barely slept this weekend and I've got to be up in less than two hours and fool I continue to be, I've been trying to fix the laptop… now the Media Player will not work because I downloaded an upgrade… automatic updates seem to be a trap… Microsoft sucks worse every day…

but all this distracting they are doing is just cuz they are jealous, of course… they are trying to discourage me from blogging or even using a computer at all… fools, we're all fools… they got one entry before I realized the software was no longer auto-saving... but no more... I'm ready to do away with all Microsoft products for a while... anybody wanna buy a cheap old laptop?... I know you don't I'm just mocking myself...

I did a whole lot of browsing in Firefox today that I'll tell you about another time... for now, I shall sleep an hour and distract myself with work and return in the evening to see what else has been disabled by Microsoft…

nite morning