what did you expect on the first day of the year?

i probably ought to dig into why i am not writing as much as i used to, especially not writing the emotions and the dreams, not even the laments of the mostly dead, especially during this down time i took the last couple of weeks, because it is probably due to an undercurrent of blahs and depressions and such where the hope wanes and the belief that life is worth living because dreams will come true diminishes, weakens, fades, and goes kind of numb and when hope wanes and beliefs go numb it's a very sorry way to be (in case you didn't know)…

but then, i have every excuse (or at least many excuses) for not digging as it's late (cuz i waited until now to write and think) and i have to be awake to do some serious report writing tomorrow in just six hours and blah, blah blah blah blah, and the lonelies want to swamp over the mood and mind and nobody is here (not to diminish your value to me because i know you care and that matters a lot to me and you oughta know that well, especially if you've been around a while)…

what it all comes down to… not even meaning to pull up the Alanis song… i have put off the cathartic pity party experience for so long (and that is how to be human, i think, learn to pretend) that i have gotten so good at it (putting it off) that i am conditioned to do what i am doing right now, leave no time for the most important aspect of life (which is not the human way, duh, so how is this helping?) which is the depths of emotion that comes from experiencing life that are generally repressed and diluted by the normal human because it's too sappy or embarrassing or vulnerable or there's just no time or hope for the dream or something like that…

and i think that is why i am so drawn to zoe's rants because they remind me of mine (even though the truth is they are nothing like mine, mostly, because she is the cynical side of me i seldom let out in words in the years of the internet, but long before those who might have received my letters through snail mail {and there were many hundreds of people and many thousands of letters} might remember the mockery i made of the dream as only someone who truly cherished it completely could) which was once part of an attempt to getting real which was part of the overall emotional writings that were part of the first attempts to express and share the method to my madness as portrayed in the written gardens which was the bulk of the home on the web i attempted to build when i first started sharing on the web and believing in the possibility that I might find friends and the one through the internet… and so many links were left out, but all this to lead up to sharing the following rhyme that tries to express to my own heart and any other heart where such understanding might be found that i will not give up, fade away, give into weakness or human frailties even if that means i have no common sense or am clueless by normal human standards cuz there's no better smile for me than the smile i feel when i am true to the dream and admit it (even though the rants and cynicism is fun too)…

so to all of you who still believe in love in spite of the damage done in it's name…

No Clue Required

happy new your
happy new yule
happy new yar
happy new year too

may your dream of love come true
but even if it doesn't, oiy
may you find a sweet distraction
in the arms of a man-boy

someone old enough to love you
someone young enough to share
all the dreams the child inside you
dreams that force you to care

even when you do not want to
when you feel stupid or burnt
in your ranting cynicism
spitting all the bile you've learnt

in the years of trusting assholes
and the nights of finding hope
in true friends and sappy movies
(you are not really a dope)

for maintaining your belief in
true love, romance, and goo
you know what others miss out on
you know what is really true

the bliss of ignorance is faulty
you see through pretentious smiles
compromise is overrated
walk more than 500 miles

to the ends of time and beyond
even when life turns to poo
raging ridicule at dreamers
i will still adore you

so consider this a five minute hug
from just another internet bug
even as you laugh and shrug
you can still enjoy the plug

for you know what makes happiness
as you drop the other shoe
and i remain your devoted fan
even if you tell me to get a clue

for you know what makes life worthwhile
putting love in all you do

(and laughter,
remember laughter)

. . .

yes, you know what makes life worthwhile
putting love in all you do
so i believe in your heart and you
and i do not need a clue.

yes, remember laughter… but most of all, when the walls fall, i wish you love…


yeah, yeah, yeah… yeah…

the bottom line (or close enough, perhaps) is that i lost myself in the waiting and allowed the isolation and self-defeating habits to take hold so long that all the healing and recovery and rebirthing i did back when the last betrayal of the heart befell poor whittle me was all but wasted and to really start living again i must return to the bottom and remember and relive and re-experience and resurrect it all over again to forgive myself for allowing myself to die all over again and then i just might decide it is time to live again and stop the wasting away and pretending and superficial blah blah blah that fools me and you and all the wild horses in the sun so i never really get any writing done (though maybe, just maybe, the truth shows now and then, like in an old Harry Chapin song or Gary Moore, you know, cuz it's hard to find a new love with an old one in your eyes so the final farewell to the one who was the dream must be said before the new one can become the one actualizing the new dream… yes, one must let go of yesterday to truly experience today… isn't that what z always says… of course, my reverence for his mastermind isn't mere mockery, after all)…

isn’t this fun?...

maybe i want to actualize help me rhonda with someone who understands that true love never ends even when it must be transferred from one relationship to another… it could be the best most amazingly powerful profoundly moving tear-jerker ever to be conceived by humankind if i finally get to writing it (but that'll take a partner because it's a partnership story, after all) and though many scoff or even detest such stories, some don't… so maybe this entry makes some sense and maybe it does not and maybe it'll just fade away into the archives like thousands of other entries have done in dozens of other blogs and webspaces i've put out here for the past decade or so, but it was here for a moment and in this moment, it made sense to me…

and yes, it is fun for me… serious fun, with massive amounts of reverence and respect and pensive reasoning… because that is life, the experience of the highs and lows as extreme as they can be… most seem to want to avoid the ride… i look to maximize it and share it with someone who wants the same maximization… extreme sensitivity, that's the ticket… and the fun… and the point… and the bottom line… the energy of the infinite eternity… or eternal infinity… or something like that…

i'll be right here waiting…