wide open

this entry contains a slightly modified comment that almost had me entering an end-of-year cathartic introspection and such, but i may have only glanced in my direction as i have gotten so good at distracting myself from myself and therein wander aimlessly through the days and nights so unidentified that i can not be found and remain, for better or worse, alone again, though i am not sure just how naturally it is, come to think of it… in any case, or at least in this case, facing myself and my actions and life i live over time and where it's gotten me would be an excellent thing to do since it is basically the only way to correct the stupidities and redirect myself back to the path that will take me toward my dreams as opposed to the i am an alien visitor perspective i choose to live in these days…

if you do not know what i mean,
you may not understand my words,
and that is why i also offer silence

for if you do not understand my silence
you will not understand my words

and now, for that slightly modified comment i mentioned earlier:

holy crimplewhimpensteind
suddenly I'm way behind...

yay for so many words, even if we downplay them and/or even call them negative, for they are our words and have the potential to keep us in touch with ourselves and that is wonderful cuz words feel real to me... it is a choice, after all, and it is a choice i choose most of the time (except when i am playing with words for no apparent reason)… and if we choose to feel the words real together, we share something as close to real as we can share without physical presence, for the words have physical presence in our minds…

and i tell myself, self: but when you feel like feeling and emotions seem to overwhelm you and bring tears to your eyes or cheeks in floods even, learn to go with the flow and embrace the emotions even if they seem to feel like (or even actual are) a pity party for the feelings felt are much more productive and positive than the feeling repressed… and sometimes i listen and when i listen i find catharsis… and that is a healthy experience… and if the catharsis ends in the tears of longing for more, for sharing the catharsis, then i continue to live and renew hope that the sharing may come, rejoicing in the simple fact that i am still alive and still dare to experience the feelings…

and so i say:

i don't hold back stupid tears... or smart tears either... i don't think i know which are which, but it doesn't matter because releasing tears feels good, even when the feeling is sad or not so good, cuz just like with pain, the tears prove i am alive, feeling real feelings that produce emotional responses i feel and that is the best part of life for me...

feelings (no worries, i won't start singing that song :)

unless someone really wants me to and then i shall give it my best shot, most likely with tongue in cheek, and yet, i still dream that someone might come along to inspire me to take the deepest depths of creative play as seriously possible once again to see just what the best could be today… even as time passes and i know how much is lost and i sometimes wonder if the best is over and maybe it is time to lay down and die or explain, just shoot me… i still find hope to continue…

and so i say:

no shooting please, at least not with a gun or other flesh-damaging tool... allowing ourselves to feel is what life is about and if we remember not to let this stuffed-shirt scaredy-cat repressed world convince us that there is something wrong with emotions just because it makes them (the scardy-cat repressed) feel queasy and inadequate and afraid they died and don't know it cuz they are afraid to feel their feelings and be alive...

they did not die, they are only sleeping...

i imagine the word as a cartoon or science fiction story in which anything is possible because, after all, anything is possible and anyone who has an open mind can see that and anyone who believes in any god can see that if they remember their own belief system says their god is all powerful and can do anything, so anything is possible for anyone who can see beyond their fear… and therein my hope remains, even when i forget… or repress… and how long have i repressed my desire for intimacy, for sharing unconditional trust (and i mean sharing unconditional trust when i use the word intimacy, just in case you thought all i mean was sex)…

and then i said:

loneliness for love, for someone who accepts us as we are, for someone who allows and encourages us to be free of formalities and inhibitions and self-consciousness and fears, oh that is a deep gaping loneliness... it aches so much, everything gets swallowed up and all we can do is cry over the beauty, the wonder, the joy, and the love we sense in everything around us that reminds me of how sad we are to be alone when we know the wonder and amazement and precious power of sharing freely with someone with whom we can just be...

but here we are, just being in words... and while this, sharing these words, is a poor substitute for the shared being in physical space, it, for me at least, is much better than being without sharing in words...

so here, i listen, i read, and i think i hear, i believe i feel what is put into the words... it feels right for me and i can only hope you felt the tears too, for then, we may have actually shared something, if only for a moment here in words...

busy, yes, life, yes, full of distractions that allow the deeper desires and longing and aching for sharing intimacy to be repressed much of the time, sleeping, and yet, we know it is still there, always there, just below the surface… and hopefully the sharing being will come again...

thank you for being here...

and you, dear readers, continue to inspire me… sometimes just one of you and sometimes all of you and that is why i return again and again, as close to daily consistency as possible, for today might be the day the one who is truly ready to share life offline arrives here to find me and come knock on my door… welcome to the pathos years, the years of being human, of indulging in cultural rituals and deteriorating to the standards and norms of the society in which i live at the moment (as it is called living, though ironic for us)…

accept my half-assed efforts and inspire me to refocus and take it all seriously again and i shall forever worship your being as i worship all those who have inspired me to trust unconditionally in this life (even if it did not turn out as well as it might in the past)… it is easy to trust when we are at the top of our game, when we are at our best… see through the facades and the cultural influences and find the person within the eyes and then trust and that is the leap of faith and we call falling in love and more, unconditional trust…

or just smile and pat me on the head and tell me everything will be alright…

or whatever, cuz i am no longer concerned with the effects of anything, even negativity, even when i am actualizing and exposing my most vulnerable vulnerability… it feels wonderful to be wide open again… perhaps i have been all along, but it feels even better to remind myself…

and you, how are you today? :)