one day at a time entry
just in case you've been away for the holidays or something, this is a note to let you know that the last few entries are for you as much as they are for me for you inspired them... thank you for that... and now, this:
this is what i have to offer, these words here and now and all the words that have ever been written, a bit of which has been posted on the web here and there, these words that represent what i have to offer beyond the words… the words are a recording, a literary painting of my thoughts, feelings, opinions, and imagination… and the words are part of and further represent the daily offering, the consistency of my renewal… the energy that fills my hope, the hope that drives my energy… while the mind and body slow a bit with each passing year, the words represent the current moment and still here is energy that bounces around when most others lay down to rest… even in these busier times when offline life is much more full of activity and the mind is much more full of responsibility, the energy bubbles over as the desire to share the fun and the intimacy of life continues to inspire me to reach out in every way i can, including these words…
as best as i can relate my experience in this life, the meticulous diversity of interests and child-like energy (and perspectives) seem to keep most people (all, if the truth be faced) from coming to close to me… the openness of my heart and mind seems unreal or beyond the scope of everyone i've met so far… people tell me of their gods and i wonder why they do not actualize… i believe to merely worship the ideals and goodness and kindness and godliness is a sad cop-out when we each have the ability to actualize the same ideals, goodness, kindness, and godliness… i will not unconditionally trust anyone who chooses such a cop-out and i've yet to meet anyone who does not…
so i remain alone…
and as often as i have heard the words, i firmly believe that actualizing the ideals is not a too good to be true proposition… i am as i am and therein have my proof that it is possible in this life... and as often as i have heard about the impossibility of perfection, i know that it is not achieving perfection, it is simple maintaining the path… when i fall, i pick myself up and continue… when i feel too tired or wasted or burnt or hurt or burdened or betrayed or any reason comes along to suggest i cannot go on, i pause and breathe deeply and ponder my choices for a moment and the obvious becomes clear… i always have the choice to continue, to go on… even when i believe i cannot or do not want to…
so i continue…
and i take a few minutes or even an hour each day to remind myself, to meditate, to write, to put myself out here as i am… at this moment in time, physical pathetic by my standards, though i found amazement in the eyes of one of my peers last night after softball practice when she asked how many years this body i am in has been in this life… she estimated ten to fifteen years below the actual number of years (and she is a person in excellent physical condition, no less)… and this is bloated up and way out of shape by my standards and physical comfort level… and i feel sad to be reminded once again how comparably low the cultural standards are for fitness in this culture today… and why the priceless pep talk commercial about rock hard abs is so poignant…
so i lament, but even as i lament, i hold out hope that i will return to my standards of living and will find another who chooses compatible standards who might share the daily life and take the leap of unconditional trust… and i will dream, but even as i dream, i actualize myself as i am (even when i am dissatisfied with myself) and share myself as well as i am able (and permitted, as sharing requires at least two and i do not control others choices)… and i write, but even as i write (and read and wander the internet), i increase my offline activities and experiences for potential physical world intimacies… and i rejoice in the balance, even when the balance is not optimal (think i'll motivate myself back to the gym if i keep harping on the physical imbalance?... well, i am a stubborn rebel, so it might be backfiring… but at least i am not forgetting or letting myself pretend it's acceptable, aye?)…
did you know that almost every aye? is smiling even though i do not insert smiling faces?... did you know that most of my writing is done with tongue in cheek and i am smiling at the end of most sentences or paragraphs or pauses or whatever we might call the ellipsis moments?... even when i may appear to be pathetically lamenting or whining or crying?... did you know?... see, you never know when the amazing secrets might pop out…
so welcome to my work, again, if you've been here before this entry…
each entry, in it's own way, is an introduction to me, the me i am in the moment… while sometimes i am focused on philosophies or specific topics and sometimes i am mocking or creating distractions and/or amusements to keep my mind occupied while it's not sharing, each entry is my hello to you, to the world, to the univers for today…
more will follow, until i can no longer tap the keys…
enjoy your today :)
i was just thinking, perhaps at random, as i woke…
i was remembering talking on the phone with someone who really seems to appreciate me as i am and that lead me to remember that one of my first thoughts when meeting anyone is, i wonder how much of me i'll have to hold back this time …
the most innocent, honest, and un-wanting of thoughts come in the first moments of waking…
this is what i have to offer, these words here and now and all the words that have ever been written, a bit of which has been posted on the web here and there, these words that represent what i have to offer beyond the words… the words are a recording, a literary painting of my thoughts, feelings, opinions, and imagination… and the words are part of and further represent the daily offering, the consistency of my renewal… the energy that fills my hope, the hope that drives my energy… while the mind and body slow a bit with each passing year, the words represent the current moment and still here is energy that bounces around when most others lay down to rest… even in these busier times when offline life is much more full of activity and the mind is much more full of responsibility, the energy bubbles over as the desire to share the fun and the intimacy of life continues to inspire me to reach out in every way i can, including these words…
as best as i can relate my experience in this life, the meticulous diversity of interests and child-like energy (and perspectives) seem to keep most people (all, if the truth be faced) from coming to close to me… the openness of my heart and mind seems unreal or beyond the scope of everyone i've met so far… people tell me of their gods and i wonder why they do not actualize… i believe to merely worship the ideals and goodness and kindness and godliness is a sad cop-out when we each have the ability to actualize the same ideals, goodness, kindness, and godliness… i will not unconditionally trust anyone who chooses such a cop-out and i've yet to meet anyone who does not…
so i remain alone…
and as often as i have heard the words, i firmly believe that actualizing the ideals is not a too good to be true proposition… i am as i am and therein have my proof that it is possible in this life... and as often as i have heard about the impossibility of perfection, i know that it is not achieving perfection, it is simple maintaining the path… when i fall, i pick myself up and continue… when i feel too tired or wasted or burnt or hurt or burdened or betrayed or any reason comes along to suggest i cannot go on, i pause and breathe deeply and ponder my choices for a moment and the obvious becomes clear… i always have the choice to continue, to go on… even when i believe i cannot or do not want to…
so i continue…
and i take a few minutes or even an hour each day to remind myself, to meditate, to write, to put myself out here as i am… at this moment in time, physical pathetic by my standards, though i found amazement in the eyes of one of my peers last night after softball practice when she asked how many years this body i am in has been in this life… she estimated ten to fifteen years below the actual number of years (and she is a person in excellent physical condition, no less)… and this is bloated up and way out of shape by my standards and physical comfort level… and i feel sad to be reminded once again how comparably low the cultural standards are for fitness in this culture today… and why the priceless pep talk commercial about rock hard abs is so poignant…
so i lament, but even as i lament, i hold out hope that i will return to my standards of living and will find another who chooses compatible standards who might share the daily life and take the leap of unconditional trust… and i will dream, but even as i dream, i actualize myself as i am (even when i am dissatisfied with myself) and share myself as well as i am able (and permitted, as sharing requires at least two and i do not control others choices)… and i write, but even as i write (and read and wander the internet), i increase my offline activities and experiences for potential physical world intimacies… and i rejoice in the balance, even when the balance is not optimal (think i'll motivate myself back to the gym if i keep harping on the physical imbalance?... well, i am a stubborn rebel, so it might be backfiring… but at least i am not forgetting or letting myself pretend it's acceptable, aye?)…
did you know that almost every aye? is smiling even though i do not insert smiling faces?... did you know that most of my writing is done with tongue in cheek and i am smiling at the end of most sentences or paragraphs or pauses or whatever we might call the ellipsis moments?... even when i may appear to be pathetically lamenting or whining or crying?... did you know?... see, you never know when the amazing secrets might pop out…
so welcome to my work, again, if you've been here before this entry…
each entry, in it's own way, is an introduction to me, the me i am in the moment… while sometimes i am focused on philosophies or specific topics and sometimes i am mocking or creating distractions and/or amusements to keep my mind occupied while it's not sharing, each entry is my hello to you, to the world, to the univers for today…
more will follow, until i can no longer tap the keys…
enjoy your today :)
Labels: balance, btc, egmo, ethos, hope, huh?, intros, irony, lam, lament, loneliness, mantra, mtmm, naked, patience, psych, real, secrets, sigh, writing
posted by candoor at 10:38 PM
2 Comments:
I don't see the point of trying to change someone into someone else. I'd rather just hug them the way they are. I have enough to manage of myself without working on anyone else. I don't think this means there aren't irritatingly absurd aspects to all of us because we are all human with our own nuances, and it seems like we could all take a good look at ourselves and wonder where we could use some tweaking, but it is also oddly human to be quicker to tweak someone else first and ignore the self tweaking that could be infinitely more useful. There's no place like home.
I like the words too, and I also like doodling. I'm doing more handwriting and more doodling. It is nice to get acquainted again with what the hand channels when moving across a page.
Anyway, I appreciate you, your words, your intent behind the words, your heart, and your sincerity.
Happy day before New Year's Eve :)
hug
yup :)
'tis why i remain alone deep down, cuz i don't want anybody to change unless they want to, me included... i just want to find somebody who can keep up with me so i can be me and not alone...
even though we are all always alone, deep down, but we can come close to not being alone when we are with someone on the same wavelength...
and looking at me, i'm moving slower and more shut down than i want to be, yet still bouncing around too much...
so i babble and hope and hope even more and babble even more and when i get back in shape (for me) i'll hope even more that i find someone who can keep up...
yay for your words for your words are my friends, which makes you my friend, so i am not completely alone :)
Post a Comment
<< Home