reflexive retro-intro-spection

well, the re-importing of cds continues even as the sun's about to rise… and before we begin today's entry, a word (or another) about corporate america… yes, i thought the rant was over and we'd get on with a proper entry, but thanks to apple software update forcing a reboot (which really means it wants to get it's hands on the registry and the real controls of the computer), i was reminded that google, in it's infinite wisdom, does not allow me sign in with my blogger account on the main blogger sign in page because i have a google account (created for gmail at another time before google bought blogger) and the main sign in page (the only one blogger offers when you click on sign-in) demands my google account information, but then after signing in to google, goggle will not find my blogger blogs from that goggle account... i have merged the accounts more than once, it doesn't work... probably because i've had accounts with blogger and google for too long, way before google bought blogger, and they just don't have their account associations going back that far... i've heard horror stories about bloggers losing their blogs when trying to merge them too many times, so i just leave it alone and settle for the crap service i am used to in this modern computer age...

all that to say, i have to go to leave a comment somewhere in order to sign in to blogger because for some odd reason, google allows a blogger to sign in on a comment page with a blogger account, but not on the main blogger sign-in page and of course the company has gotten too big for a mere user to communicate this information to anyone who could do anything (or who cares) about it... corporate logic…

but actually, as much as the software incompatibilities and corporate incompetence and customer disrespect is annoying, maybe the venting whining ranting complaining bitching crap is really more about…

another saturday night and i sit here alone
not really caring to talk on the phone
mostly just wanting somebody to love
who loves be back as much as i can love
but i've yet to find someone compatible with the way i love
so it's another Saturday night sitting here
with only these dreams i dream of

yeah, loneliness sucks and can be rather pathetic at times, though i choose the loneliness over the compromise of being with someone who does not satisfy me and would just be in the way if i found someone who did… consciously or not, most people use each other to keep loneliness at bay… that is why relationships come and go, whether casual or devout marriages, because most people just settle for someone to sleep with rather than to be alone… and it's called love and consciously they may even believe they are in love, but it's not really love as long as someone else can come along and peak more interest… at least not most of the time…

few people are honest about that… most people think they are honest about their emotions because they are so out of touch with themselves that they do not know what or how they really feel and therefore blindly follow their hormones rather than their feelings… feelings are physical, but they are also conscious thought and an awareness of reason and logic as it applies to the hormonal and instinctive reaction to another person... anyone who does not know this is a victim of their blindness and may actually believe that they have no control over how they feel because they have no connection between their hormonal instinctive reactions and their conscious mind… so many suck people they stay in relationships that may very well be unhealthy or abusive because they claim they are in love…

love is not blind, hormones may be, but not love… love is awareness, conscious enlightenment, actualizing the energy that connects everything and triggers hormones and instincts and creativity and passion and zeitgeist and the positive forces in the infiniverse… that is the ultimate truth, even if no one is aware…

at least for the moment :)

dontcha just love/hate it when i seem to think i know everything?... hey, whatdya expect as 4am approaches on a Saturday night and i sit here contemplating my navel and the navel of the imaginary person who is my own personal the one pressing up against each other… navel love, yes, and we don't even need a ship… ah, shades of Elton John (ah yes, the time-consuming inconvenience of switching itunes preferences and resetting them and re-uploading the cd that interrupted this entry and mood and resulted in the previous entry and the opening paragraph of this entry that really detracts from the original journey this entry may have been on all those hours ago… maybe later)…

or now (which is much later, actually)…

so much for maintaining a train of thought as an aside derails into all that came before and is here now that would have been different and i feel much more meaningful and deeper than it is… so if you were around tonight, i mean late (or perhaps you have fun away from the internet as dawn approaches on Sunday mornings or maybe you even sleep through saturday nights (being nocturnal is not the normal human way, i suppose, but it's natural for me which sets me apart in so many ways i seldom think about because, after all, there's no point in feeding the loneliness unless there's an opportunity to end it… and that opportunity is not available at the moment), you found the last entry that kind of continued into this entry and wandered through the thoughts on emotional awareness and made of that what you will… thank you for being here, even if you weren't, cuz you are here now…

ah, we miss so many connections in our lives, especially when we are asleep… but with patience and in time, we just might come to understand that we share what we will share are where we are and the key is to enjoy this and make the most of each opportunity when it comes around… and since the sun is rising on a beautiful day and i've got a softball game this afternoon and i've been awake all night, i'm gonna lay back and see about taking a nap now… and dream what dreams may come…

i think i'll put on a movie that reminds me of what friends and family might actually be like for those lucky enough to experience it… ironically that film is Harry Potter… the biggest draw for the story for me is the camaraderie, the loyalty, the devotion and love between the friends and families… being that i've never actually experienced such bonds in this life, i imagine… and what i imagine is as real as anything that might be real, to me…

did you ever know anyone who loved you unconditionally?
did you ever know anyone who was always there, is always there, eternally?
did you ever know anyone who love you completely openly honestly?
when all the walls fall, when you share it all, inhibitions gone, you are set free
did you ever know a moment like that in this life – really?

i hope so… i hope everyone does someday… all it takes is setting aside fear and all the rules created by people who let fear rule their lives and distort their understanding and awareness of the energy of love, especially in this life… this physical life is fraught with fear-driven people, people who empower fear above love, and perhaps it has always been this way, but it does not have to be… i hope you choose differently today, or someday… i hope enough people do so that a collective conscious awareness brings our humanity out of hiding and empowers love more than fear…

know life without fear and you know how to live… all the answers become easy to find… everything makes sense…

it is all in the mind…