do what i say, not what i do, or at least not what i say i do
fact is, i have not made the time this weekend to do laundry and that is a sign that i have not made the time for the home me (homie?) and that means the writer was not given the time and direction/focus to write… much TV distraction, and some outdoor wandering (Raspy drove around rather aimlessly with the top down), but no time for the words… that is not a good sign, so what am i hiding (or hiding from?)…
bloatedness, for one thing… i think it was last week that i told myself (and even told Rasputin) that the free-for-all pigging out stopped today (that today was last weekend, i think, as i said, before even)… i did not follow through on my statement and that would be an irritant to my psyche, because i seldom do not follow through on my out-loud spoken statements, but enough to turn off the truth-seeking missile that are my free-associating missives?... perhaps, but maybe not…
overall environs respect seems to have weakened to nil...
whatever, still, it sucks that i let this body regain the thirty or so pounds it lost last year…. and feeling sorry for myself because nobody around here (meaning the physical space, not meaning you guys in cyberspace) cares is a piss poor excuse for stupidity that i rarely used to tolerate from myself for more than a day or few… and i am not even pouring the crap out into the lands of the mostly dead, i am just letting it fester and propagate within my psyche…
i really don't want to be this mentally ill (and should not be laughing, right), but apathy and ambivalence are ganging up on me and i'm just spiting my nose to cut off my face… or something like that… as if someone might care if i toy around with the typical human suicidal tendencies that are so prevalent in our culture… but nobody does care… everybody just wants to join me in the next all-you-can-eat buffet pig-out…
i did pitch a softball game, walked none, but the team behind me could not catch, throw, or show any awareness of what to do with the ball after they chased it down, so the team lost as expected… hopefully the coach will drill some drills into their heads and teach them some skills… skills with drills... meanwhile, playing with people who really do not know how to play is quite dangerous for a guy with a torn hamstring because there are way too many opportunities to chase an errant ball that someone threw wildly or someone else just missed and i will definitely not heal if i let my instincts have me jumping after errant balls…
alas, nobody's perfect… i did set the healing back a week or so by straining the tear just a bit one time (and just one time is all it takes, kind of like you can't be partially pregnant) and that reminder kept me from doing it again… one of these days i will be healed and hopefully find myself pitching for a team that has some skills and not be among the cellar dwellers, but mostly i just want to be on a team that keeps the score close enough to play a full game… it's a long ride for a shortened game due to the rules of the scoreboard…
when Precious got home she wanted to turn on the oscars, so i watched the awards given to actors for roles and movies i mostly did not see… and while semi-glancing up, i wandered through posts at tom lundy's blog (another recommendation from the impulsive parts of the psyche... go see) and found much reason to ponder when i have more time to ponder… like why are we still not calling our government out on the hypocrisy of pointing fingers at others for human rights violations and dictatorship-like bullying while we still keep occupying forces in foreign countries for more than sixty years…
meanwhile, i continue popping entries into other branches off the tree of madness and seem to be pondering expanding the video blogs (the video me and random pop news) that sprouted from the trunk a few months back… and tonight i returned to pondering yet another related to modern techno-stuff that seem fun to play with…
but really, i should be sleeping…
so nite nite and i hope you had a wonderful weekend and make this a wonderful week cuz you deserve all the wonderful you can create… even if you doubt it or flat out don't believe it, you do... deserve it… so do it… after a good night's sleep…
bloatedness, for one thing… i think it was last week that i told myself (and even told Rasputin) that the free-for-all pigging out stopped today (that today was last weekend, i think, as i said, before even)… i did not follow through on my statement and that would be an irritant to my psyche, because i seldom do not follow through on my out-loud spoken statements, but enough to turn off the truth-seeking missile that are my free-associating missives?... perhaps, but maybe not…
overall environs respect seems to have weakened to nil...
whatever, still, it sucks that i let this body regain the thirty or so pounds it lost last year…. and feeling sorry for myself because nobody around here (meaning the physical space, not meaning you guys in cyberspace) cares is a piss poor excuse for stupidity that i rarely used to tolerate from myself for more than a day or few… and i am not even pouring the crap out into the lands of the mostly dead, i am just letting it fester and propagate within my psyche…
i really don't want to be this mentally ill (and should not be laughing, right), but apathy and ambivalence are ganging up on me and i'm just spiting my nose to cut off my face… or something like that… as if someone might care if i toy around with the typical human suicidal tendencies that are so prevalent in our culture… but nobody does care… everybody just wants to join me in the next all-you-can-eat buffet pig-out…
i did pitch a softball game, walked none, but the team behind me could not catch, throw, or show any awareness of what to do with the ball after they chased it down, so the team lost as expected… hopefully the coach will drill some drills into their heads and teach them some skills… skills with drills... meanwhile, playing with people who really do not know how to play is quite dangerous for a guy with a torn hamstring because there are way too many opportunities to chase an errant ball that someone threw wildly or someone else just missed and i will definitely not heal if i let my instincts have me jumping after errant balls…
alas, nobody's perfect… i did set the healing back a week or so by straining the tear just a bit one time (and just one time is all it takes, kind of like you can't be partially pregnant) and that reminder kept me from doing it again… one of these days i will be healed and hopefully find myself pitching for a team that has some skills and not be among the cellar dwellers, but mostly i just want to be on a team that keeps the score close enough to play a full game… it's a long ride for a shortened game due to the rules of the scoreboard…
when Precious got home she wanted to turn on the oscars, so i watched the awards given to actors for roles and movies i mostly did not see… and while semi-glancing up, i wandered through posts at tom lundy's blog (another recommendation from the impulsive parts of the psyche... go see) and found much reason to ponder when i have more time to ponder… like why are we still not calling our government out on the hypocrisy of pointing fingers at others for human rights violations and dictatorship-like bullying while we still keep occupying forces in foreign countries for more than sixty years…
meanwhile, i continue popping entries into other branches off the tree of madness and seem to be pondering expanding the video blogs (the video me and random pop news) that sprouted from the trunk a few months back… and tonight i returned to pondering yet another related to modern techno-stuff that seem fun to play with…
but really, i should be sleeping…
so nite nite and i hope you had a wonderful weekend and make this a wonderful week cuz you deserve all the wonderful you can create… even if you doubt it or flat out don't believe it, you do... deserve it… so do it… after a good night's sleep…
Labels: alas, amused, babble, briefish, browsing, egmo, food, grumbs, hope, loneliness, missing, mtmm, perspective, self-destruct, sleepdep, sloth, softball, TV, waste, weight
posted by candoor at 2:27 AM
7 Comments:
Thanks for your visit...Did you really skip the laundry?...*LOL*
i skipped work today and did one load of laundry, but yes, i skipped laundry yesterday and this weekend and, well, for a while... maybe i'll do a load today...
life is so exciting :)
Well, at least the sidebar remains full, full of activities and full of life, and full of a desire to still be engaged in living and life and socializing, and most of all, hope, hope that finding real caring in your real world is still possible and still within reach.
I do hope you are more careful about your leg and don't do more damage to it by overdoing and ending up with more severe injury.
For what cyber-caring is worth, know you are cared for, thought of, and loved :)
We care, You know we do!!!
Why can't "Precious" do more caring, so You don't are as dependent on the Internet. I I had a man, I would not spend more than 10 min a month here online.
i love the caring online and do not doubt that... thanks for the reminder :)
Yeah, be careful with the leg... thats my primary thought and will be for weeks... gets old fast, but that's life in these bodies...
Precious is my roommate's daughter and I've helped her grow up the last six years or so... she's 19 now and in many ways she's a typical teenager, the world revolves around her most of the time...
i was starting to do a lot more and separate myself from the home life where laziness and poor eating habits and no exercise and no social life dominates... being lazy is not fun, but healing the leg means being lazy, so it's a catch-22 that'll last a while and re-straining it is a set back i must digest... i should sleep more, since sleep clears the brain and renews the happy cells :)
If possible, even more confused :-Z
what do you think or want to know? :)
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