ok, just for you

instead of going to work i stayed here and did the deed, brought a bunch of myspace blog entries over here to this blog, just for you... cuz i don't want to inconvenience you and love you reading me...

the entries are sprinkled throughout the entries already here, partly because some are older, mostly because there are not enough dates to keep them as separate entries since the last entry i posted here, also just for the fun of it (scavenger hunts, ya know?)...

every blog i start has a different flavor, i think... so the entries are not RealTime™ flavored, they are myspace flavored... it matters to me, even if it is not noticeable to anyone else... so every entry is labelled myspace, in case you wanted to take a short cut on the scavenger hunt and just pull up those entries that were not in this RealTime™ blog until this morning... just click on the myspace label and scroll (though i stuck a few back in last year just for the fun and continuity of the time, relativity and all... can you find every one? :)

they might have other labels when i have time... and links, they are missing links, so i must find time to insert all the links that i did not have time to copy this morning... just for you, ya know...

i love the readers at myspace too, so you get double love if you read both... and imagine the exponention love you get if you read all of them (dontcha just love my logic?... nyuk, nyuk :)

i must leave for work now, cuz i was gonna get in early today cuz i went in at noon yesterday, and if i leave right now i am only a little late (it ain't easy being responsible... did i mention i am playing hide 'n go seek in a major mall some time soon?... yeah, there's a meetup group for big kids and that's the first meetup... won't the mall security and stoic shoppers love us :)

i hope this pleases you... i hope all those moved over here entries do not go unnoticed (even with this announcement) and unmentioned and naked (entries without comments are naked, ya know?... see, it ain't easy being responsible, aye?)...

may we continue laughing on and on and on :)

my space

why is it so hard to find you
we shared our dreams for so long
how many years does it take to be permanent
will you ever hear this song?

why is it so hard to find you
i never wanted to get this far
living so long without you in my life
why don't i know where you are?

i wonder where you are

falling in love is about letting go
and you did and i didn't but we were best friends
living together and sharing everything
i thought we both knew the trust never ends

unconditional trust is about giving it
and that is the best thing we shared in our lives
there are few people i have more respect for
a decade and then some, you know it survives

so why is it so hard to find you
when everyone seems to be here
posting out on the internet bulletin board
how can it be made more clear?

why is it so hard to find you
how could you not know this is for you
near or apart you are still in my life
we know in our hearts what is true

i wrote this one for you

there is a simple dream i have been dreaming
since i could first think about who i am
to love and be loved honestly and be trusted
unconditionally by one who understands
that love and trust are the greatest gifts in life
and once shared - strangers become true friends
and no matter what happens love is forever
the gift of true friends never ends

and this dream of true friends never ends

so why is it so hard to find you
you know i do not pretend
your place will always be here in my life
you are always my true friend
i am always your true friend
where are you now... my true friend

so i post these words here on myspace
and a dozen other websites
just in case you wonder where i am now
your true friend who always writes

why is it so hard to find you
we shared our dreams for so long
how many years does it take to be forgotten
will you ever hear this song?

why is it so hard to find you
i never wanted to get this far
living so long without you in my life
why don't i know where you are?

i wonder where you are

why myspace

well my dear wonderful supporting people who still stop by here to check in on me, i seem to be drawn to write more on myspace these days... i think maybe it is because of the vastness, but i am not sure if it is because i want to get lost or be found (if i told the true it's the latter, but when i am insecure it's the former, so in my ever ridiculous journey toward being human, i can add flip-flopping to my growing list of human skills)... who is grinning?...

i have several (dozen?) entries to flood into here and other places, but for the moment this may be enough to explain the most important thing... i miss you when i do not read you... i love you for coming here and letting me know i am missed... and i intend to continue - here - there - and everywhere (at least virtually)... and though that may seem a challenge, when i remember time is irrelevant (and relative), it's easy...

still, just to maintain the continuum of pathos and drama in this ever so futile attempt to be human, i shall slip one of my amusingly (to me, at least) insane (but hopefully not prophetic) experiences with humanity in a previous entry just for you and anyone else who cares to read the soapy suds (and soupy sales) of life… yes, it is based on true experiences and names were omitted (or changed, if i choose to insert names for improved clarity or ease of reading or something like that) to protect the innocent and the insane (who may or may not be innocent, cuz like god, we can only judge by faith what is not actually there (or contradictory) and i seldom judge others, but i hope that if and when i do it's never based on blind faith or too little information and when it comes to pretenders, how can anyone know for sure (time, time, time, it's telling you a story)… feel free to enjoy or ignore as you wish…

my RealTime™ RealLife™ schedule grows on the sidebar and, in its way, explains why i am so seldom here these days… rarely am i home in the evening these days (or during the days, for that matter)… i suppose it is time to consider investing in the connectivity of the cyber world… pondering spending another few hundred dollars a year, at least, in order to do that thing that i believe is called remote blogging, reading on the run, commenting on the fly, and communicating from anywhere (or something like that) leads me to remember living on the street with minimal no income and almost no expense and i often miss the simplicity of such an easily balanced budget… the call to find a communal farm or monastery or something like that is always singing a sweetly seductive song through the deeper woods of my mind… but, as with falling in love, i am not actively searching at the moment and the opportunity for such a life change is not presenting itself in my scope of perception at the moment, so i continue along the self-destructive suicidal self-mocking semi-serious irreverently futile path to becoming human and if this body does that dying thing before that other lifestyle arrives, oh well, i'll die a stupid human (so why am i smiling?... ah, cuz that's what stupid humans do… i think i may be getting the hang of it, aye? :)

so z, does this make me a guru for stupid humans now? (laughter is good, even here, even as sad as it may be from a more enlightened and sensible perspective… maybe it's cuz i've been there and done that, as the humans say, and choose to explore the decadence {like Messenger in City of Angels in a way?} so casually and carelessly {as opposed to being ignorant of the choice} that makes it more amusing for me than pathetic or pitiful or sad… but then, looking at it from the self-sustaining eco-balanced vegan peace-love co-op commune, it is pathetic and pitiful and sad… cha)…

there is none quite so insane as the aware fool, aye?...

anyway, it's time for me to give this body some rest, perchance to sleep, so it can carry the brain that gives me the illusion of life around for the rest of this week as i am working every day and going out every night… i hope life is fun for you out there and i want to keep in touch… you know my number and email and where i am most of the time… and you should know how much i enjoy you reaching out… which leads me to a thought that deserves a whole introspective blog entry of its own (not to mention i did not exactly dig into the answer to the question in title of this blog entry here except briefly in the opening), why i still feel like i am intruding or why i am so reluctant to reach out myself most of the time… and most likely related, why meetup seems to much appealing... it's easier to just roll with the flow and not risk rejection or disappointment, i suppose… dang human ways, i'm getting too good at them…

maybe it's time to consider a blog focused on unlearning how to be human :)

meetup madness and the human factor

yes, the human drama is everywhere and it is not easy to avoid when getting more involved in interactions with humans… this entry will extend my venture into humanness, i think, to new or nearly new heights, or depths, depending on perspective… in a nutshell, i was removed from a favorite meetup group for no reason along with dozens of others and weve been targeted publically for not choosing sides in a childish catty fight that one paranoid person seems to want to pick with others... below is the letter i actually wrote to meetup, slightly altered here for clarity, just to provide you with the soapy suds of human life and prove i am actually out there interacting with the species… maybe even becoming one… i changed or omitted some names and links to keep the drama from spreading any further than it already is, ya know…

Hello Meetup :)

I smile about meetup, but not about this message I reluctantly send.

I was a member of meetup in the first year you started and started working nights - six years later I am back on days and so happy meetup has grown and become a friendly active site. I attend a meetup five or six times a week and have met some wonderful people. Most of your organizers here in Orlando are great and cooperate with sharing information, which makes it even better for us members. An example is Tara of [this meetup] who actually posted a charity event I am doing on her group's calendar the same night she has another event scheduled. Another meetup organizer who offered to do the same is SariLynn of [this meetup] - you have some great people helping you grow.

Unfortunately, I am writing to let you know that there is a group organizer who is using intimidation and rude behavior, including attempts at public embarrassment, to manipulate members into not joining or dropping out of other groups. She is the organizer of [this meetup].

I can tell you firsthand that she dropped me from her two groups after I was a member in good standing for half a year, attending many events and making friends with many who remained my friend after I was dropped (and they were in turn dropped for choosing to remain my friend). When I asked her why she dropped me, she responded, "just separating the herd" with a wink as if it's some joke. It is no joke to be treated like cattle.

I had tickets to movies set up by her group and when I showed up with friends from her group who planned to attend with me, she hide out of view, but people, in front of a public movie theatre, told me they were told not to talk to me. The friends who sat with me were removed from her group. People have told me they will not send me a shout anymore because it will get them thrown out of her group. All who do talk to me online or publically have been removed from her group. People have even asked me to just lay low and not attend meetups. A meetup organizer should not have such power.

A few days after her unexplained removal (and I still had no idea why at the time), there was a birthday meetup planned for two friends. These two friends were her assistant organizers. I called one who has organized a public trivia night (it was called her trivia night, by her name, and the head organizer did not always attend) at a public restaurant and asked if she was still in charge of it and should I not come. My friend, the assistant who's event this had been since it's inception, told me it was her event, so I should come. I decided to go with other friends and not sit with the group, not wanting to create more tension than there might already be. I wanted to be there because it was a birthday celebration for two of my friends, who happened to be the assistant organizers of the group.

When I showed up at the public restaurant, a public event that her meetup group was just a small part of, an event I had attended for months with her group when she wasn't even there, she tried to publicly humiliate me making childish mocking faces and hand gestures that most people laughed at, though some wondered about and quietly asked me "what did you do?" when she'd give them dirty looks for talking to me. I had no idea I did anything to offend her and she chose not to explain, just cull me from her herd as if I was cattle.

When I stood up to wish a Happy Birthday to the two assistant organizers, my friends, one is my next-door neighbor, she walked over, interrupted my birthday wishes, and instructed me to leave because the table was reserved for her group. I was standing, not sitting, in a public restaurant. She was belligerent and hostile in tone and demeanor and physically, way too close for comfort. I was not sitting at her table, I was just wishing my friends a happy birthday in a public place where I had intended to attend their party for weeks, yet she felt empowered to try, very rudely, to control her members and me.

Most of her group came over to the table where I was sitting to talk to me during the evening and ask me what I did, ignoring very dirty looks she would give them. I had no idea, so told them to ask her. I was trying to enjoy myself and wanted to let it go – it's her group, she can do what she wants with it.

Most of them have remained my friends. She's dropped every one of the people who talked to me from her friends list and from her groups. Three of her assistant organizers have left because of her pressure to ostracize me and others, and worse, she is intimidating total strangers who come up to me at other meetups telling me they "heard about me". People have told me that they will not send me a shout because she would remove them from her group.

She apparently does not know how to let go of her anger (and has no reason to be angry with me) and is definitely trying to manipulate people through intimidation and as she, in her own words said, "just separating the herd". It might be an amusing joke if she was not actually treating people like cattle she can round up and cull at will. A few dozen people or more may have been removed and felt similar pressure for no reason.

This is what someone I met only once, a month ago at another meetup, wrote to me just yesterday:

"hi ric, she's at it again. this time she's showing up at my meetups on my turf (graphic design, the creative field). she stared me down last night and fooled everyone with her charm. she's like a character in a movie. I am tempted to not go back, but really that's my deal so I will just try to ignore her. how are you doing?

Members of her group (and former members who were dropped because they were friendly with me or other people she seems to have targeted) told me what apparently happened, which I relate below, but the above is my first hand experience with her.

From what I am told, a friend of one of her assistant organizers asked to join and was denied, apparently because he belongs to another group. Apparently there are several meetup organizers who have been marked "bad" by this one organizer. The guy was turned down for being in the wrong group. The assistant asked for her friend to be accepted and the organizer said no, so the assistant left the group and started her own. I and about four dozen other people, having no idea what happened between them, joined the new group. Within a few hours, we were deleted from the first group, [group name]. That was when I first asked the organizer why and she send the terse "just separating the herd" email. No explanation, just cattle talk.

I always thought her third group, called "Separating From The Herd" was just a joke, but she apparently has some serious psychological issues and seems to treat people as pawns, or in her words, cattle.

Every member of her group, dozens, who quite innocently joined the new group was immediately deleted without explanation and some have been harassed at other meetups. Her two assistant organizers (not the one who started the new group, but long time organizers) told me they left because she was rudely pressuring them to not talk to me or anyone who joined the other group. As I said, one is my neighbor and he couldn't believe her gall and paranoia.

It has been three or four weeks since the incident at the trivia night that I described above. I only contacted her once, that night by email, explaining that she was hurting a lot of people who had no idea what was going on and she should step back and look at the bigger picture. I will share my email with you if you like, just to show I was trying to be helpful and a friend. I have not approached her or the group since.

I ignored the tension at meetups until I received the email that I quoted above in this rather long message. Suddenly meetup has turned into junior high school and I want no part of that.

I don't know what you can do about in-fighting between meetup organizers, but I can tell you that I belong to many groups and most organizers are great and though a few can be a bit sensitive and territorial, most are are welcoming, friendly, and happy to have new members.

Perhaps meetup can do nothing, I do not like the idea that that meetup provides someone the power to influence hundreds of people without any limitations on behavior, so I hope some cautionary message is sent. When a meetup organizer is asking people to choose sides in a war that, as far as I can see, is mostly in her head, and uses meetup power to intimidate those people, it becomes meetup's problem.

I know the assistant who had the friend rejected which virtually forced her to start a new group, she is one of the organizers I praised earlier in this message. She deliberately will not cross schedule meetups in the hope that the tension will subside, in spite of the fact that many are asking for the same events they joined the other group for. Until I was "separated from the herd" with a wink, I was praising [group] organizer most of all. She obviously fooled me and a lot of people with superficial friendliness.

I'm heading out to a meetup now, like I do most nights of the week (and often multiple times on Saturday and Sunday). I have not been to my favorite dinner theatre since this occurred because she seems to think she owns the place and no one who was deleted will go back there yet. I have a $60 membership to the theatre, so I will be going back, but I prefer to socialize and not sit by myself getting an evil eye from someone who has dozens of people around to ask her why she is hostile to me. I don't want to imagine what her motivation or justification might be.

Meetup groups should not be run by children who play these games.

I thank you for reading and hope this is not seen as trouble-making. I prefer to enjoy myself and it takes a lot for me to feel the need to complain. I suppose this is a month of taking crap (through what others are telling me she is doing) from someone who thinks she's god, or a cattle rancher, coming out.

Thanks for meetup, it's a great idea and a wonderful site. Feel free to call if I can help in any way (and I don't just mean in this particular case).

I shall focus on the fun now :)

and that's the story as i related it to meetup... i think the two things that pushed me to write meetup were the emails i've been receiving (many are more intense and sad than the one i quoted) and the fact that others are writing meetup and i want to support the complaint with my first have experience and what i know in the hope that meetup can find a way to keep the organizer from ruining the meetup experience for a lot of people simply because she has some apparent psychological problems that she usually hides very well...

you do come here for the Real stuff, right?...

now have fun out there :)

1st impress

first impressions

first impressions are an oddity i've always enjoyed (i think that's mostly because, in spite of my posing and egocentric babbling out in public, i secretly do not give much creedence to what anyone thinks of me unless truly deeply intimate trust forms between us in the physical world and even then, it's still my choice - and have i ever been wrong before, but then, that's another long story of woe and weirdness we can save for another time... because i am supposed to be sleeping)...

where were we?... ah, yes (is feigning absent-mindedness at all amusing anymore?), first impressions... i recently joined a meetup group and was spun through a revolving door so fast i felt like a whirling dervish, not that i pretend to actually know how a whirling dervish might feel, but perhaps it's a worthy metaphor, or is that a simile?... labelling language is a fine distraction for writers with nothing to say (i'll just leave that semi-open ended statement there for all of us who enjoy wide-eyed statements)...

anyway, i was (as my roommate starts talking to me to distract me further from whatever it is i am writing about, as if i don't distract myself enough) accepted in the meetup group and then rejected (removed, they call it) within an hour or so... it took a few days to find out why and apparently the responses to the questions that had to be answered before joining were rather massively misunderstood...

the question in question, or response, for that matter, was something like "what do you want to do but will not do because think you are too old"... naturally (or unnaturally, come to think of it, but that's another story) my mind skidded right into the gutter and instead of responding "sleep with the latest teen starlet libido fantasy" (remember, this is something i supposedly will not do, so please do not call me pervert until you know me better, ok?), which might have been a rather poor first impression no matter how amusing i thought it could be (cuz i know i'm harmless, after all, innocently batting ever so long eyelashes, of course), i said something like "that is so very wrong, even for my sense of humor, so i'll not go there" (now who'da thought the group organizer was not in my head understanding that i was referring to my own sense of humor's less than purient thoughts, aye?) and so i said, "so seriously, i hope there is nothing on the list, and if there is, i hope you talk me out of it"... of course i meant nothing should be based on ageism, isn't it obvious?...

yeah, wide-eyed stares all around...

apparently not as she thought i was bashing her question and took much offense... i think we've cleared the matter up as i rambled on a bit in another email that hoped to clear up a rather misguided first impression and at this point you might think i am going to post that email here as an example of my sort of odd first impressions (do i give odd first impressions?... i mean, what if you stumbled into just any old post in this or any of my myriad of blogs?... do i ask questions with obvious answers too often?... am i the only one amused?... s'ok if i am, after all, i am amused)...

but no, not likely will i follow any such logical path... in fact, this whole entry was born in order to introduce my latest first impression (this one came after the last one with that meetup group, hence making it the latest and, yeah, imay just enjoy stating the obvious a bit too much sometimes... ok, i'll move along) which follows below... if the lucky myspacer wants to be identified, i'll happily expound and link and probably point out the blog comment i left her too, but we'll not drag her through all that just yet cuz. after all, i only have the right to make my own first impressions and respect others to make their own... or something like that...

so this is what i wrote without plan or much conscious connectivity to a relative stranger who passed through my internet screen for a little while tonight...

ready, set, go:

I somehow found time to read your entire profile... and now have nothing left to ask (my brain is digesting, it's late, I ran around the bases four times in a long softball game tonight after working all day, and i am still recovering from jumping up and down with thousands of others at a playoff basketball game cuz a friend scored good enough seats to go to the game {and they were free, yay for free}, even if it was my first b-ball game in a few years, at least... i'd rather go to the movies, or a show, give me a live musical... just saw the Broadway touring company doing Rent in the past month and Jesus Christ Superstar us up next... heck, I enjoyed a production of Miss Saigon at a local high school last week, but I may be digressing a bit)...

so I visited myspace to do more than just click on friend requests and check messages and comments for the first time in months tonight, i mean, i used to browse around a lot but life is pleasantly getting in the way of my internet time these days, anyway, i noticed the subscribe to friends to get little blurb reminders on my home page when friends update and decided to check out the feature and stumbled across your profile and started reading... exhibiting amazing discipline, i paused and came here to say hello in a comment because if i do not give this body a decent night's sleep tonight, it will not enjoy all i want it to do tomorrow and this weekend nearly as much as it will if i do let it sleep tonight and i figured that leaving a comment might distract me from the fascination i am discovering in your words and that was a rather long way to go for a compliment, but there it is and i hope you felt the sincerity, even if we are laughing at me...

i am told often that i am not very good at first impressions (heck, i don't even check for typos because, well, time is limited but also because i love the amusements a good typo can bring) and though i would avoid them if i could, i haven't found a way (to avoid first impressions) short of dying and i'm not quite ready to go there, wherever there might be, if there is a there then, whenever then might be, which is also why i should really get some sleep tonight, but that's beside the point (point, point, was there a point to all this?... ah yes, say hello and praise the writer, that was it... hello, i like your writing :)

yeah, so i hope this is somewhat amusing for you and if not for you, well, maybe someone else found it oddly funny, but since it's for you more than the public spectacle, i hope you are smiling... laughing would be good too...

and now that i've babbled a bit (and trust me, this is barely even a bit for me... not that you should trust me just because i suggest it, but we can wander along that myriad of possibilities some other time if you like as infinity might keep me awake and i did have an offhand goal of getting some sleep tonight...

is there a limit on the number of words in a comment?... i wonder how much of this will be cut off... is it worth cutting and pasting to save it and continue it in another comment?... but that would put the ordely flow of thoughts out of order... might make more sense, but that might just be me poking fun at me, my second favorite pasttime... or third, when the opportunity arises... i do tend to leave a lot of open ended thoughts out here in my public babbling... it maybe be a secret plot to take over the world by tempting curiosity ever so subtly until some mass conversion of mental energy is aimed at me and all the people scratching their heads demand an answer... and here all i have to offer them might just be the number 42...

so hello, i must be going...

obscure song lyrics find their way through my synapses quite often, but when does it end? (the agony of the babbler and the readers of a babbler is never so extreme or exposed as when the babbler him or herself asked the question... that wasn't the question I was referring to a little bit ago, by the way... i was hoping for something much more profound and meaningful from the mass convergence of the curiosity of humanity...

yeah, i'm a hopeful kid... a dreamer hoping i'm not the only one... and while i may appear to be lost somewhere between the ellipses, i know where i am and that, to me, is a whole lot more vital information than where i am going... and more fun too...

i hope you are having fun as well, you appear to be, even as you gripe about the foibles of human beings (so many have so far to go before they know), but as you astutely pointed out, (lover of good sci-fi too, are you?), even the cynical futurists seem to understand that there is nothing to write about if humans do not enlighten-up, cuz when a species commits mass suicide, there's no one to read the books anymore...

it's basic economics to us fools who find laughter between the lines :)

and on that note, i shall slip into sleep and enjoy the rest and hope you enjoy your night as well, or even better... may your dreams dance and heart sing and body tingle, even at rest :)

g'nite :)

ok, so now i ask you, what would you think do or say if that was the first message or comment you got from me (knowing me only through what you might find if you took the time to come here and explore, but maybe you haven't even visited my profile at myspace yet, even)... I think there should have been a question mark somewhere in all that... just pretend there was... so, whatcha think?...

and i imagine i see a whole lot of wide-eyed stares in response (and should i be sad or amused or both?... well, that's a whole other philosophical discussion, but feel free to go there as you wish)...

may you present yourself, in first impressions, without any thought of anything except being yourself and sharing yourself as well, as honestly, and as lovingly as you can... that's what i do, even if i'm usually misunderstood :)

yeah, ok, yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah well... you say it's your birthday
well it's my birthday too, yeah
you say it's your birthday
why don't we have a good time
i'll change all the words, yeah
write it just for you, ooo
cuz we can have fun now
you know that it's true ooo,
when you believe you

i've got arms that long to hold you
and keep you satisfied
i've got lips that long to kiss you
and legs you want to ride

so why don't we do it in the road?
he ain't heavy, he's your brother


and now, before another line of mangled lyric is uttered, we proudly annouce the forthcoming opening of the (legs?... wait, what are you doing with that spatula?) latest and greatest newest and coolest finest divinest presentation of literary nonsense the blogdom has seem in oh these ten or so years of active public interneting has been alive... yes, look, up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane, no it's - the culligan man?...

what?... work?... in a few hours?... who said that?... someone must be reading me again... whyever would they do that?... spying on me no doubt, the badgers... did i mention i was kicked out of a couple of meetup groups by a rather sad (and apparently paranoid with delusions of grandeur and dictatorshipness) organizer?... yes, you should all go join the group and smile at her, cuz she really needs genuine smiles, though i don't know if she'll ever trust one again... poor thing, she must have been hurt very badly... but life goes on and dozens of other groups beckon, and maybe someday she'll get it, you know...

love when you can
cry when you have to
be who you are
thats a part of the plan...


maybe i'll post the messages i sent to show you what a wonderful guy i am (oh stop the sarcasm already, you already know already, and thank you for the love and trust across the miles... and the M & Ms too... Mikey was here and witness the whole debacle... and he liked it, he really liked it… we were almost in junior high school again (that's middle school to most of you)... but that's beside the point, so leave it be like words of wisdom and continue where we left off cuz this post is for all of you who love me and especially for you happy birthday wishers... yes, it's a throwback post, a little taste of the babbler gone fat, before all the fat slowed him down...

cuz he was just seventeen
if you know what i mean
and the way he looked was way beyond compare
and she'll never know a better lover
than the one she left standing there

that's when my heart went boom
it burst across the room
and all i wanted was her hand in mieeeen... eeeeeee!
so i'll be walking on all night
dreaming of holding her so tight
and before too long, i'll fall in love again
but i'll never give to another
what she and i shared back then
not what she and i shared back then
cuz we had everything back then
budumduh!

this boy, oy... twang twang twang twang...


shades of when the journey all started (yeah, and you thought candora was the beginning, well, maybe from the public view, but so many thousands of pages hold so many millions of words before the holy grail of cyberspace ever came along... memories, from the corners of my mind, ya know...

and just when you were thinking maybe candoor might be resurrected from the depths of quiet contemplation (or decadent bloat, for that matter) to bounce around like the toon he is again, along comes myspace to provide a popular distraction and millions of pretend fans to occupy the mind and keep ego drugged so i can blend in with the humans right here and now like this (or that, even... time to exit, stage right?)...

you want to know me?... you can't handle knowing me (yes, Al Pacino, just imagine the voice and go with it if you really do want to know me... cuz words separate the herd better than anything, you know, and that's the truthplplpl, Lily style... or Edith Ann, if you want to go and get all techno-cull about it)... sheesh, can't anybody take a joke anymore?... whatever happened to laughter, does anyone remember laughter?...

some people just have a distinct shortage of sense of humor...

people...
people who need people
can be the fakest people
in the world...

and i love you so
and people ask me how
how i've lived 'till now
i tell them i don't know
because it's all a dream
this search for honesty
illusions become real
when we share fantasy


ah, yes, impossible dreamers are still beautiful dreamers to me… do wah diddy too… and i leave you tonight with this thought borrowed from the omar of cayanne, or someone more famous that i, someone who could speak and write gooder too... take good care of each other...

just look at the time

i was all set to post a new old entry here and then, suddenly, without any warning, i posted it at myspace... go figure... it was so much more meant for you guys, but then, maybe i am starting over all over again somehow... stay tuned for whatever happens and we'll be surprised together...

so anyway, busy with meetups and softball and tickets to concerts and shows and here we are, just look at the time, of course i should be sleeping...

isn't this where i came in? . . .

invisible

thanks for the inspiration, here’s some adoration

in my never ending passion to prove something out of nothing, or nothing out of something, or how profound it can all be when someone truly understands the ether and no one has to know, but you feel it and that is enough, i lavish a humongous load of adoration respect and love upon my dearest soulmate in another life, one invisible girl (got to be good looking cuz she’s so hard to see) what? yes, there are not many people who can inspire the whole barefoot stroll across abbey road, but she’s so heavy, and i mean solid, mman, you dig?...

sometimes these secret handshakes just have to be sent out across the wireless sea…

even if you don’t know, the next thought will carry us away… and i do not mean bone jumping breathless body humping exercise, though with my recent hamstring layoff from running and overindulgence in luxurious chocoholism, anyone with the blessing of motivation to crawl to collapse (that phrase is patented for my third cd, by the way, titling fool be still) would be magical in my word, wizard or not… the coolest dork in the pond, that is the one for me…

so in five hours i am driving to meet another brother of a different mother from the west coast of my mind where dream go to hibernate and believe in themselves while i place the east coast games that pretend success while distracting the senses with comfort foods that bloat the belly and create a numbness that makes the stomach shelf seem comfortable as the babbler emerges for the first time in weeks to play the keys as if nothing paused, or stopped eve, and isn’t that the song that never ends after all, for once in love with amy was just as crazy about shari lewis and now olive oil works the desk as lewis silently weeps in the corner for all the amys and sharis and heidis and wendys and stivis and lindas and sues that have gone by and by, when the last sigh falls we will whisper… when the last sigh calls we will hear… when the last sigh says goodnight mister… will you have kissed her or will you drown in your beers…. hey you just missed her while stumbling on your fears…

and no one hears and no… maybe i am wrong… so go on singing… sing your song… slowly, the ice melts away… call it the greenhouse effect, let noah come out to play… does it matter what i say if no one listens anyway what time is it in your day?...

it’s the music, said the man who sold the world, said the girl who never knew how much she could love you because you never let it show, don’t you know, to fall in love you’ve got to let it go… let it go… let it go… but sadness swallows souls to see how many are outside of me who never lost control, who never let it go, who never ever never ever never eat the worm, who never felt the burn, who never left the cross, who never said hey who’s the boss, who never understood, there more than god to good, who never took a hand heading for the promised land and yes or yes there was a time when children came to rhyme with flowers in their hair remedies for despair in quilts they made with love wrapped round dreams the dreams of and had the guts to live the love they had to give in trusting being kind and opening the mind…

i left that world behind now in my mind, but i wonder if i’m lost or resigned… or just waiting for someone else to drive so i am not the only one alive…

what magic could these words lay on you?
only if you believe they are true
no matter what you know for as long as you’ll live
you are the power you give
you are the power you give
you are the power you give
if you believe it’s true
you are the power you give
you are the way that you live
you are the power you give
the meaning that is you


thousands of pages have come and gone and you ask for more, but you’ve seen nothing… the magician smiles and waves his hand to reveal your awe as if you never knew it existed, yet you create it and give it to him without a thought… and when the power breaks your heart, corrupting your ideals and betraying your trust as most leaders do today, you still give more because you feel powerless to do anything else and in some warped way it makes sense because you do not want to be one of them, one who gave up and starting taking blinding, using up every stick you can lay your hands .. someone else does, not because you needed a fire to warm you or another bath, but just to save the drowning man from his last drink… why waste the water, after all… the conservative environmentalist does not believe in oxymorons, but only in morons… more on the burger… more on the steak… more on the pity… more on the plate cuz you can never get enough so be sure to take your share for you may look away just once and find your treasure is not there as the magician waves his wand or has the wizard come to bear as you make look back at your life to find tout you where never here…

if only, if only, the path seldom chosen, if only, if only, the path not taken down to the water by the river where the singers praise the holy and the land is open for you when you open and unwind to the rhythm of the nature of trusting being kind and opening the mind…

and how have you been?

fall in love with music and you are never alone...

ridiculoso ho ho

ridiculous, aren’t i?

well here we are again, briefly, perhaps, but here in this myspace community that is so broad, diverse, and relative, perhaps the word community is not as appropriate for the online world as we seem to think it is based on it's usage... and yet, we share words and sounds and images and more and create our online persona, a you, a me, and in some way, a we... and we share interests and amusements and sadnesses and pains in personal and collective ways... and isn't that what we get out of community?...

so yes, ok, i have been absent of late...

i can show you what i've been doing that's kept me away from myspace, but then, you'd see that i have found time to babble on and post many entries since the last one here... i just have not made time to get in a myspace mood and come here to share words with you...

those of you who visit my daily babble (a blog at blogspot i call RealTime because it started as an attempt to consolidate my thoughts into semi-brief summaries of daily life in the hope that anyone who cared to know me might find out about the life i live offline and maybe even entertain thoughts of entering it, but it {the daily blog i call RealTime} turned into a babbling free-for-all, probably because the other babbling free-for-all {a diary i call behind the candoor because it started as a way to give anyone who was interested a window into the mind in which i usually find myself, as opposed to the heart, which had it's own diary called sleepwriting, but that may be a digression too many, if that hasn't already occurred already, ya uh-huh} kind of fell asleep too {the other babbling free-for-all, i mean} so RealTime kind of took an odd turn into a dream of becoming a human being and maybe even fitting in or belonging somewhere, but that may all just be a joke on me, after all, not to mention the new musical addition above), should already know that i've been remembering what life is like offline, social life, especially...

you are very welcome to visit me there, in case you didn't know...

simply (as opposed to that complex parenthetic aside above), i've started using the meetup dot com website to connect with people offline... so for the past few weeks, or months, perhaps, i've been wandering out most every night to some sort of social gathering... one night it might be a trivia challenge at a barbecue joint... another night it might be a wine tasting at an upscale urban hang out... another night it might be a film, mainstream to old black and whites to avant garde to downright odd... another night it may be gathering at someone house or apartment to play board games... another night it might be a full-out party (themed or not) with great food and party favors and everything a party requires, especially fun people... another night might be an art gallery browse... or singing carols to sick kids in a hospital (that's this coming Sunday)... or watching artificial snow fall on a streets in a local community... or listening to a lobbyist from Washington D.C... or a cruise... or a hike... or a visit to the theme parks... or simply dining out... or you name it, it's probably available on that site...

and then there's the company softball team that practices every thursday...

all in all, while we are not celebrating falling in love or anything so radical, i am definitely enjoying life offline more than i have in quite some time (six years on the night shift certainly did not help the social life)... and that is where i have been, i mean, in case you were concerned and did not know how to inquire about me...

if you miss my babbling, or my rhymes, or whatever it is i do hwre on myspace, i love you... i wish i could hug you to show you my appreciation for your attention and the words you leave here for me... i wish i could give you something that would inspire you to feel as good as i feel when i read your words online... and most of all, i wish we could come together someday in a social meeting or gathering that mutually is comfortable and enjoyable... i believe you are real... my heart and mind believe you are real... i'd love to prove it to my eyes and ears one day :)

so maybe i ought to just stop in here more often and leave a few words even when i do not have time to think through an entire entry... maybe i ought to share my briefer thoughts... though the mundane has it's place (RealTime, remember?), there is still a myspace me that is not quite clearly defined, i think... and perhaps brief snippets of whatever comes to mind in the moment is the way to go now... i don't seem to want to give up the offline socializing (or more sleep, which is coming less and less often these days)... but i would really like to keep in touch with you...

my address and my telephone number are both in my profile and yes, it is for real and i welcome you to use either... feel free to prod me for attention as friends do when one friend is busy a lot... cuz it's important that we do that... to become friends... to remain friends... to be friends... to continue caring... to continue communicating... to continue connecting and expanding our connections and bringing more community to this world so maybe we, collectively as humans, will not go the way of the dinosaurs... or the Aztec, Mayan, or other past cultures, for that matter...

keep in touch, save the world :)

why does that remind me of save the cheerleader... some TV catch phrases seem to seep into consciousness... I wonder, amused and laughing at myself... maybe we do need another hero after all... or is it the bonding, the caring, the community we really need... the sense of family... perhaps we've come full circle...

you can find that schedule of events, gatherings, parties, and what-not, so to speak, on the sidebar on the right of the blogspot blog mentioned (and linked) above, the one i call RealTime... if you are local or visiting the area, i'd love you to come to one of the activities (most are in public places) if you can...

and perhaps you will find me here more often, even if i don't have time to babble on like this... maybe i'll find some briefer thoughts and stuff you'll find worth stopping by to read and inspire me to visit your world (when i run out of time, i still try to visit you if you commented cuz your link is easy to find right there in comments and i love the conversations...

i hope you enjoy the music i added to this blog (it's not on auto-play, so you'll have to click the little play arrow if you want to hear it... it's music i love to listen to when i am sleepy as i appreciate the messages as much subliminally as i do consciously and the music is soothing... yay for music i can fall asleep to with a smile that grows in my sleep)… if it is not your musical taste, no worries, but if it is, enjoy... i'd like to know either way cuz music connections is another path to being friends...

this weekend there's a mainstream movie, a film festival of film shorts by local film-makers, a game night, and more... and later tonight it's the cozy upstairs living room space at the Hard Rock Café for a benefit for Children's Miracle Network and tribute to John Lennon… may you have something to do that you will enjoy as much…

thanks for waiting for me here, or at least still checking in... may your change of seasons and holidays be wonderfully wonder filled... may all your good dreams come true, or at least some of them... and may we keep in touch and share something real...

g'nite :)

time pie

time time time (and a slice of life, pie)

is it really telling us a story? well, sometimes... what can i say, i've been away (in case you didn't notice... note, that might have been a blatent please for attention and reassurance, but no worries, i don't quite feel seperate or even needy, just hoping, if ya know what i mean)... yeah, away, mostly away... except for filling my daily life whining blog with pathetic irreverence about messy roommates and being lonely and lazy and working too much and generally malaising around the house, i've not been on the web much...

i did find my way back to meetup and am contemplating giving up even more sleep to venture out to one or more of these local gatherings... so there's hope for a social life offline yet if i finally actually catch up on my new job and stop working extra hours and don't sit down in the big green chair after work (i think it has drugs in it that seeps into the skin cuz it puts me right to sleep... good chair)...

so mostly i've been working... me and my psychiatric hospital... since august i've been doing a few jobs at work as there's a transition going on and it's taken a while for the transition to actually happen because pasive resistance is strong, even amongst the staff at the asylum, ya know?... i've got "Candor, PI" on my office door now (who remembers Magnum?)... yeah, i've got all sorts of high falooting titles queezed on to my itty bitty business card, so i'm gonna impress somebody big time someday... yeah, sarcasm, you got it...

the good news is i've got music in the office and slowly but surely i am putting my CDs on my computer (in between actually doing PI work and QA work and DA work and all the other high falooting big time impressive work)...

speaking of computers, i've got a new old laptop (about 3 years old, but it runs rings around my old desktop which was built by the Bedrock Computer Quarry for Pebbles and Bam-Bam) and so I am exploring music more (which is a wonderful sign of life for me) and... and... and... ready?... i also picked up a Mac...

yes, a Mac...

it's a G4, not a new one, but it is a Mac and i am finally going to explore what the Mac world is all about... when i have time... and can stay awake... of course buying new toys is not helping the social life, but hey, i never claimed to be perfect, or even be able to walk a straight line...

so what else is new?...

there are lots of rhymes and rambles scribbled here and there that i could upload here to give future readers the impression that i've been uploaded entries every week or more, but this is all there'll be tonight... posterity can wait... fatigue wins again... just look at all the contractions, after all... i mean, how lazy, aye?...

i've missed all the blogs i've missed... yeah, i meant what i said and i said what i mean... somehow i am finding a lot of statements coming out of me that leaves me wide-eyed... kind of like the aflac duck reacting to Yogi Berra... sleep deprivation does that... it probably drives most people around me crazy, but it amuses me and i like the people amused by me at times like these...

in other words i've missed reading you (and hearing from you)...

i shall be in Oklahoma on monday... a business trip... i'd appreciate recommendations for safe good places to eat in the Oklahoma City area... i mean, i'm not going all the way to Oklahoma just to fall asleep in front of monday night football or Enterprise, Heroes, Prison Break or some other TV show... i can do that right here in Florida...

i wonder if i'll need warm clothing...

well, that's life these days... lots of simple questions... little time for creative play like this (but then, i did that night, just didn't come here... i did mention i've been writing a lot of emo, didn't i?)... all in all, i've been wandering in circles (and not even running) and while some parts of me are getting bored or feeling stagnant, mostly I am amused at the monotony and futility of human life in our mondern civilized world (maybe i'm channeling Charlie Chaplin)...

ah, the blessings of self-mockery...

so anyway and all that, if you want to know me, give me a call... leave a message as i'll probably be in a meeting or asleep, but i do call back eventually... usually... sometimes... come to think of it, there's a call from far far away in my phone, but no message... if you're gonna call internationally, at least leave a message, ya know?... yeah, my number is still in my profile... and out there on meetup... and a lot of other places on the web... so it's not as if i am not open to connecting... just caught in a trap and can't get out b-cuz i love you too much baby... no wait, that's the song the guy was singing after the The Academy Is concert... good night at the House of Blues... Rilo Kiley was great on another night... so was Art in Manilla... and Dashboard Confessional too... and a bunch of others...

ok, so i have been going to concerts (i suppose i am not the complete workaholic shut-in i thought i was)... you like concerts?... wanna go?... i think i've got extra tickets to Spill Canvas, Meg & Dia, Brand New, Say Anything, and a few other shows in November, in case you want to go... there's also the Deland Music Festival... also Rent next April, sixth row center or second row left...

hmmmm, did i say i wasn't doing much?...

what i am definitely not doing much of is sleeping and that's definitely effecting my thought process as blurriness and fogginess is definitely giving everything a slow motion feel in this head that contains the brain in which i find myself from time to time... and repetitiveness is increase too, definitely... kinda feels like nothing is getting accomplished because there's like no mental inventory being done...

hey, so i'm vulnerable and sensitive and welcome to my world... if you are not at least partially amused, then we probably don't see things eye to eye... i hope you are happy with your perspective, whatever it may be... and if you happen to be in Oklahoma City on Monday, or Orlando any other time, for that matter give me a call...

namaste, shalom, aloha, and nyuk...

new post

Dear Sir or Madam,

We are processing your new post request. It is our wish to bring you the finest in new posts before you reach the point of post post withdrawal that makes a request necessary, but we are screwing up on that wish lately, so bear with us while we go through changes and try to remember what life is about amidst the myriad of distractions occupying mind and body in recent months. The new post team has requested a formal convening of the new post committee to discuss and review the matter of your new post request and we expect them to wake up and convene any time now.

Once convened, the Committee will confer and make their recommendations to the institute for synaptic activity which will most likely petition the board of higher brain functions to step up the seratoninny flow and secret sauce that raises concentration to the babbling point where the braingod is left with the choice between a new post or implosion, followed by explosion, sometimes referred to as a massive intercranial supernova, or what a mess.

Please be assured that your new post request is very important to us and expeditious care will be given every iota of energy provided, inspired, and generated by your generous attention.

We thank you for your attempt to understand the process as briefly summarized above and adore you for the passion in your request.

It won't be long now, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very Truly Yours,

candoor's head

if life is a song

make it a duet.

at least,

for almost every song is more beautiful when sung in harmony... note I did say almost, but I'll leave that for others to ponder as I choose to hope for the ideal world that can be if we'd all sing in harmony (and appreciate and support the solos as part of the our shared song)...

and once I sang:

give life to the love deep inside
for the love that you hide
will be gone once you've died

give life to the tears you have cried
for the love you've denied
becomes pain when kept inside

give song to your heart and sing
the words you know are true
give song to your soul and sing
the words you know are you

and watch it become a verse in the song of humanity
for that is the way of love when it is spoken honestly
and feel as it leads to the chorus we all know so well
shared it brings the blessings of heaven
repressed it brings the curses of hell
listen children to these secrets grown-ups seldom tell
and sing your song of life sing the song of your love
sing to share and not to sell
and you will understand everything
before the last bell

give song to your heart and sing
the words you know are true
give song to your soul and sing
the words you know are you

what life through yon window breaks (beware, the shatter pane, invisible to all but the heart that knows the ways of betrayal and the dangers of blind mirth)... embrace the endowed spirit with all you are, for the flight, for the fall, for the gasp, for the call of the wild deep inside everywhere... and listen for the song of the essence, let it know you are there... join in the song with your presence (all you have to do is care)... honesty makes you aware there is nothing to fear... you'll know you've arrived... when you get here...

and once I sang:

and the small circle of humanity at the top of the cultural food chain (and the evolutionary food chain as well, but that's another story) do not want to look down upon the rest as if they could understand the difference, but rather look to embrace the recognition of being where they are and appreciate others who show love, if only in awe, and occasionally manifest a deep loneliness for the moments shared with those who have been there...

and a few, starving artists and deliberate vagabonds and cast-offs from the lifestyle, look up at where they've been and see memories akin to the stories of the gods of Olympus, lost between time and space, myth and legend, being there and being here... and like ghost of another time or fallen angels, they appear like anyone except to those who can see the shadows of the ghosts they once were (and still are inside, invisible to the masses as they've assimilated the common ways, but nonetheless themselves)...

poets have long attempted the expression of such people and journeys, a few may have come close, but what is beyond words might be expressed in some other are or better, in love for the few who have known and can understand...

the presence, the energy, the gifts are all around us for anyone open... blessed and cursed by their each individual choice, we become the myriad of faces woven into the tapestry of humanity...

never meaning to be elite or aloof, Adolf struggled with his feelings of inadequacy until it tore him apart and left him a shell of a man with a pain so deep it blinded him to his own humanity... not Eve nor god herself could have reached him, but did none try, I wonder... could Aphrodite have soften his heart?... could Bacchus have cheered his spirit?... could anyone have reach the child inside?... when lost in a fairy tale written by the devil, a paradox within a fantasy within a myth within a legend within a story millions might believe to be history, how can we separate reality from fantasy and know?...

honesty is such a lonely word...

but the laughter of children can save us from the depths of despair that our own ignorance leads us to, like moths to the flame, like lemmings to the light, like Icarus to the heavens... to know what many call God is not to venture up or anywhere, it is simply to be honest inside... and to be in that small circle of humanity is not to leave this world or others behind, it is simply to actualize such awareness in this physical world... to sing your song...

and then this one time, in RealTime--...

I love you
even if you never know
or believe it could be so
I love you with all my heart
that is what I do
this is who I am

I love you
even if you live in fear
or put cotton in your ear
I love you with all my soul
because you are you
you don't need to understand

it might be better if you knew
if you would comprehend
you'd not feel so alone
you've always had a friend
who cares to know your heart
and all that's on your mind
I will protect your soul
from the cruel and unkind
we share the DNA
we share the energy
we share experience
even if you do not see
this life is where we are
all part of energy
a living symbiosis
all branches of one tree
so there's no better choice
than to embrace the truth
the answers that we knew
before we sold our youth
when all there was to do
was reach out and play
to just be me and you
and not afraid to say
I love you
there is no better way
I love you
right here, right now, today

and at home, I ate like I was at a feast, then, in my seventeenth hour awake, ran for an hour (thank you for the reminder)... and I faced the sour notes at work and prepare for the sad conclusion that the morning shall bring (that woke me and brought me here to write these words, I suppose)... and in spite of it all, today was a good day (and thank you for the inspiration)... each of you, in your own way, provided exactly what was required to bring me to a peaceful bliss...

yes... so in spite of it all, today was a good day... today was a good day, because of it all... because honesty lead the way, I knew just what to say, and it doesn't matter if I soar or I fall... when honesty leads the way, every day is a good day, when honesty leads the way, we can heart our heart's call... when honesty leads the way, we can answer... and make the best of it all :)

nite nite, my wonderful friends and all ships at sea... may your light guide you to a safe harbor where you find comfort, sustenance, and rest... and may tomorrow find you off on another adventure, singing your song in harmony with the universe, knowing you are loved because you are part of it all...

and when no one wants to hear your song
sing it softly to yourself in your mind
and when no one wants to understand
compromise and remember to be kind
and you'll find
you can always find yourself in your mind
you can always find your peace in your mind
you can always find your love in your mind
you can always find your song in your mind

the living room

She always dreamed of being a singer, if not for the fame or applause or fortune, then for the feeling. She always knew the adrenaline rush, the endorphins, the physical passion and release, excitement and peace, embodiment of spiritual expression that comes from singing. It was an addiction her soul welcomed and treasured in this life...

and when no one wants to hear your song
sing it softly to yourself in your mind
and when no one wants to understand
compromise and remember to be kind
and you'll find
you can always find yourself in your mind
you can always find your peace in your mind
you can always find your love in your mind
you can always find your song in your mind

He always dreamed of being a provider, a father, a family man. There was no grand design, no lofty plan, just the comfort he felt as a child in his parent's home. He sought no more from life, no other thrill, no greater pleasure than to come home to someone who loved him, someone who would always be there to take care of him. It was a habit he accepted as the way life was meant to be...

and when no one wants to hear your song
sing it softly to yourself in your mind
and when no one wants to understand
compromise and remember to be kind
and you'll find
you can always find yourself in your mind
you can always find your peace in your mind
you can always find your love in your mind
you can always find your song in your mind

But this is her story, or at least her chapter.

She felt crushed at the start of this thought, before realizing the truth in the song above, but him, not so much so, for he has come to expect this. He works 2:00AM to Noon, at least, with Tuesday and Saturday nights off, so he sleeps every evening (his bedtime is about when she gets home from work) except some Saturday nights (when he can stay awake, which isn't often). They met when they both worked night shift and seemed to fit into each other's lives.

Now that she works what is basically a 9-5 weekday gig, there is no time in this space for her to turn up the music and do the singing that brought her peace. That makes it very challenging to call it her home and therefore, in many ways, it isn't. Just one more reason she's not actually moved in to the space he calls home.

Apparently, in a rare moment of Friday night bliss after reading the optimism of her early journal entries visiting strangers she'd like to call friends but only knows through reading their blogs on the internet, she had an epiphany. She was listening to some Elvis Costello and drifting back to very early dreams her heart makes, or used to make and then put on a Harry Chapin CD called Legends of the Lost and Found, hoping to distract herself from the silence (or droning of TV) that she was reluctantly learning to live with.

Suddenly, the Stranger With The Melodies called her out. She almost started singing (what I mean is, she started singing and almost found her voice again. I am not sure if you know what I mean, but when you find your voice and sing from deep within, physically and ethereally, no matter how softly you sing, the flimsy walls of an apartment are nothing and the sound energy passes through with ease).

For a brief few moments, she forgot the mostly dead life she'd become accustomed to living while sharing space in recent years. A life in which creativity is a spectator sport and she suppresses her energy (including the singer) so as not to intrude upon his space so he can do what he loves to do most, fall asleep watching TV. You may know that suppressing a voice and still trying to sing, well, produces singing is not very good. In fact, as Harry would suggest, it sucks... and it leaves one open to honest appraisal (or harsh criticism) of a half-hearted attempt at carrying a tune, even ridicule.

And it woke him, which brought him out to the living room where he turned on the TV and promptly fell asleep with his fingers wrapped around the remote in his lap.

So she stopped singing again. She never really got started and she realized that the space is not available for a person trying to express herself with her voice.

Welcome to the living room.

The irony, or perhaps it is synchronicity, is she returned to browsing the web and found words that reached deep into her sleeping psyche in this entry (perhaps I should include the entry here if this chapter is ever published, but I'll leave that for the editor, or for you to click on and read for yourself before reading on here... go ahead, these words will still be here when you get back) and she felt compelled to share these thoughts in a comment:

the scariest thought I ever heard come from my mind was what you said, "maybe if you become them, you'll understand..."

in my own way, many times, out of loneliness, out of desire to please, out of compromise, out of desire for peace, out of so many well-intended reasons, I tried every way i could to become them, to fit in, to share what they shared, to feel less alone in this world...

nothing worked for long... I always sobered up - or woke up... and everything was the same... they were in what seemed to me to be a fog of pretense and hypocrisy and I was sitting on the sidelines of their games wondering what they got out of them, for they left me unsatisfied and often, feeling stained, corrupted, tainted, spoiled, even dirty...

ah, "stop messing with my mind..."

yes! :)

if you understand what I just said, thank you for sharing this smile :)

And here we are. As if we are sitting in her living room, listening to her confess her private thoughts. We find ourselves reading a chapter from the private journal of a woman unsatisfied with the life offline.

Somewhere in her mind she imagines publishing her writings, perhaps in a blog on the web, in some faint hope of finding the satisfaction, the connection, the release that is missing from her life.

Someone who might understand.

We find her feeling the music, feeling closer to the singer and the song, yet finding no space to let the song energy out. So she comes back to the words and keeps the music in her head. It feels just as good to release the energy into written words, just in a different way. Physical, but not as physical. Real, but not as real. A compromise that allows some sharing, but just not all the sharing she'd like. She's lived alone and sung to the empty space, even sang to her dog, and somehow, as wonderful as it was for the body and spirit, it was so lonely.

There are these moments when she misses singing space and she mourns the distance that has grown between the singer and the person she's become in daily life, but she's come to terms with her decision to share space and therein share what she can share (which depends on those around her), even if it means suppressing some of the physical joy she can experience and share in this life rather than live alone and "share" only with herself. So like her hero, Mr. Tanner, she sings softly to herself as she sorts through his laundry or prepares the meals he'll eat on his schedule.

She treasures moments like these, sitting at her computer, living through the written word and singing softly to herself, and to Wacko, Yacko, and Dot, to Cinderella and Prince Charming, to the MTV Spaceman, to the Scarecrow, Tin Woodsman, and Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz, to Peter Pan and Tinkerbell, and to Wesley from The Princess Bride, her most loyal long-time fans who sit on her monitor smiling lovingly down at her.

She hopes that this does not mean she is dying, she simply living a normal life. She's never been able to lose herself or her dreams, even when she most diligently tried. Given a moment of free time and space, like right now, she forgets her daily life and soars back into herself where she is most at home.

Then, just as suddenly as this thought began, his snoring grabs her attention and she looks over at the couch. She watches him smiling in his sleep and for a moment, dreams of sharing her true self with him. She looks around the living room and realizes she decorated it. She chose the pictures on the walls, the rugs on the floor, and the couch that is so often his bed.

And as she comes through this journey of thought in these words, she is no longer feeling crushed at all, but rather, she is feeling comfortable and appreciated for what she gives that others appreciate. She accepts her compromise for the moment and returns to her dreams. And what no one appreciates, she simply enjoys by herself, inside, where it is most real.

And she remembers the words her mother told her when she was very young, words she might embroider on a tapestry one day as she sees a lot of free time at home ahead.

Stay true to your dreams and your true self, dear friends (and strangers too), and remember where you live and who you are... it is your mind, where your dreams live always, no matter how others might ignore, not notice, or even try to mess with it.

And she sings...

and when no one wants to hear your song
sing it softly to yourself in your mind
and when no one wants to understand
compromise and remember to be kind
and you'll find
you can always find yourself in your mind
you can always find your peace in your mind
you can always find your love in your mind
you can always find your song in your mind