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candoor's head

would I contact me?

sitting here in my lonely room, day after day (what's that song?), I pondered the title query and that pondering has not been concluded cuz I am receiving varied answers from different parts of my brain... I mean, if I stumbled into my current entries anywhere on the web, most especially my current entries in my most current of places, 1. here, 1a-1?. several (at least) blogspot blogs not pointed out much so they may as well not exist for the purpose of this query, 2. myspace, 3.btc, 4. md @ lj (other spaces have not been added to in even longer), the question I ruminate is...

would I contact me?

I hear several quick and firm voices simply saying No with no fanfare and minimal, if any, emotion... and yet, those instant answers are rethought within a millisecond when I remember that, though many, if not most, if not almost all would not, I would read the sidebar and prifles and after reading the sidebars and profiles I would want to read more entries before actually concluding a response to the question and it might come down to momentary mood or even a visual (which I don't actually have visible without some looking) as the call might very well depend on the randomness and optimism and irreverence and ambivalence of the mood, which may or may not be best for me (or me as the reader/caller)...

yeah, so my answer is maybe, dunno, pause...

though the most likely yes would come over at myspace, cuz, looking at my recent entries here and quite possibly the bluk of my entries here, I'd probably lean towards no in spite of relating to the sidebar... way too much negative energy flowing about loneliness and lifestyle and living conditions (coming out as physical ailments) for far too long... stagnation does not attract me...

neither does human-ness (so what's the point of all the time and energy spent on learning how to be human?... bordeom again, built also hope that I'd interact more and feel less lonely and yet, the current collective conscious awareness of humanity and defining reality of human-ness is not satisfying to me, so it's been a self-defeating effort and a journey toward failure and I think I've succeeded, and as amusingly ironic as that may be to me at the moment, the futility of the life I've chosen in recent years is not lost in the laughter, at least not on me)...

so in this thought flow I see my current imbalance is primary expressed in the words I've become someone I do not want to trust, someone with whom I would not want to share intimacy...

that really sucks when I feel lonely and long for intimacy and dream of finding the one cuz it means (I think) that the one would have to convince me (maybe go a long way to do that too) that she sees me through all the procrastinating self-defeating self-destructive whining stagnating negative crap and actually understands my personal dissatisfactions and shares the perspectives and would never permanently settle with me as I am at the moment...

so why bother?...

maybe boredom is the best answer, but I want to believe hope is the truest deepest most real answer... and coming out of myself and this introspective musing, you (who comment regularly) keep me believing in communicating through words and so I return to keep in touch (just as I started out on the web more than a decade ago) and hope the one finds me through the words and hope that friends find me to share fun and help me find the one (cuz helping each other make our dreams come true is what friends are for, not just to pass the time and have fun in the moment, right?),,, is this entry getting any more optimistic and positive?...

entries come and entries go... many times (way too many times), entries are popped out two or four or a dozen (or a hundred) at a time and become virtually non-existent before they were ever noticed because, in practical RealTime™ reality, the odds of someone who has time to read it all stumbling by here are ridiculously high and the odds of that person being intimate friend (no less the one potentially) is probably kind of astronomical...

but hope remains?...

yes, if hope did not remain, I would not be here... I would certainly not be repeatedly pointing (and linking) to the many thousands of pages in many archives over the last ten years (cuz the one and I would want to read each other completely and share everything possible)... as much as I live in the moment on the surface and in the daily RealTime™ life, I know that all I am is a history of this (and perhaps many) lifetime(s) and what is recorded, what can be remembered, completes the picture and enhances the moment...

yeah, so if all this made any sense outside of my head, great... and if I was my the one and I read this, I would get it and call me to learn more... that is a good feeling... though I would definitely have serious reservations and sigh because I would be concerned that I would be one more person who needs help, rather than the one who is ready, willing, and able to relate to me completely on every level in every way... that feels not so good... hopefully I will continue to remember why I am here and re-establish the internal balance (that will hopefully heal most, if not all, of the damage done) and get back to living in RealTime™ and not just waiting for it...

I think you get it, I hope you get it, and I thank you for that :)

live a dream today and love yourself :)

another Saturday night home

just think of all the love going to waste (ah, but not to waste if I pour it into words and here it begins, a few moments to record the daily events in RealTime™ and then, to wander through the inspirations I find inside and around the web and pour the results into the written gardens... that's the ticket, that's the best I can do home alone, and for me, no waste in the process)...

ah, but just think of all the love pouring into words that could be poured into another physical being...

yeah, now you can be jealous, physical beings out there who are not feeling loved in the physical world (as I giggle at the audacity of my ego, which is feigned, but if I don't tell you that you can consider me an arrogant snob, conceited, pompous, aloof, or whatever, which is why I giggle, so now that you know, the amusement is not as much fun, so just ignore this paragraph and we'll move along and I find more giggles in the reality of this entry probably being read by almost no one, so the secret is safe)...

slept late today since I was up past dawn last night and then, went to our local favorite Chinese restaurant where I had hot and sour soup, a spring roll, two crab rangoons, and a spicy seafood mix dinner followed by Jeremiah's ice and soft serve for dessert... delicious (and now I'm hungry again just thinking about it, but then, it has been seven hours since the meal)...

I would have started laundry today (really I would have), but Precious is going away for a week tomorrow and needed to do laudry and Rasputin said he needed to do laundry too, so I said I'd do mine tomorrow... Precious just threwq her first load in the washer and Rasputin didn't do any wash, which is par for the course...

tonight I watched Cleveland find a way to beat Detroit for the fourth game in a row to move on to the NBA finals and spent a little over an hour at the gym for my fourth night in a row of turning up the intensity of my workouts and so far, no complaints from the kidneys or anywhere else... and that's Saturday in RealTime™ around here... now, to visit you guys who read here regularly (which I do most every day cuz I like you and appreciate your comments) and then over to myspace to respond to comments and messages there and download some music and then to rant or love or do whatever the muses inspire me to do...

I hope you too are finding ways to focus on the positive, rise above challenges, and improve your experience in this life... it all starts with your perspective, how you choose to focus your energy, and that becomes ever more clear with each action taken that takes you in the direction of positivity and life...

same

returned to the gym for an hour on the machine (the machine was busy last night, so I swung free weights around for a little while and then I used the treadmill and realized I do need to add more different exercises to use other muscles groups), napped a couple of hours and then watched American Idol... Jordan is my favorite... caught up on entering data into the fitness program at home, started actually working on the report due May 1st at work, and came here...

mind is still elsewhere, maybe making some changes, maybe just drifting... wanting more sharing, more creative play, more physical interaction, more sensuality, more progress, more changes, more love... I like wanting more :)

hoping you are finding interesting, amusing, and worthwhile things to do in your world...

I am fine, how are you? :)

highs and pows

that title might have been highs and lows, but I don't feel low and the typo in the title fits well, so it stays... the highs are Sea World... love the place, played with stingrays and dolphins and walruses and whales and visited many other animals and fish and birds... great day...

before we proceed with the rest of this entry, an interjection after the fact, aka an afterthought presented as a prelude:

I liked yesterday's entry better (but then, I always like it when I brain kind of goes on autopilot and plays with words) and the rhyme comment you guys inspired in the entry before that will find it's way into btc eventually... I'd go there if I were you cuz this entry is touched by the grumps for a bit, though it all turns out well in the end cuz I'm just that kind of fellow (and believe in how I feel as much, if not more than science or anything anyone else might tell me)... but you probably know that by now... best believe it :)

and now, on with today's entry...

the pow was calling the doctor to get the lab results sent to the Urologist and ask if the doctor wanted to see me since that was her original plan (but nobody called) and the nurse gets on the phone and says the doctor wants me to do a 24 hour urine test because she suspects reduced kidney function... and nobody called to tell me this?...

yeah, so anyway, it would have been good if I could have known and gotten the 24 hour urine done before the Urologist appointment on Monday, but my doctor seems to be dropping the ball a lot, starting with ignoring my call when I first got the UTI and possible bladder/kidney infection back on March 19th (apparently not getting the message from her receptionist)... up to me having to demand a urine test when I went to the GI specialist on April 5th and having to call and have those results sent to my doctor (and then nobody called to tell me anything - except the GI receptionist to tell me the GI guy wanted me to set up a Urology appointment... she's been my doc for about six years and I had liked her doctoring until the last two months...

so anyway, I may make an appointment with a Nefrologist now since when I called to get the lab results to the Urologist I heard a rumour that my kidneys might need a specialist... or so it seems... isn;t modern medicine and the fast-food processing machine it's become wonderful...

I stand my ground on the fact that I went to the gym tonight and did 107 minutes on the Lifecycle (drank 100 ounces of water for the kidneys) at Level 3 at more than 7mph and felt great, was cruising at 8mph the last half hour, and if the Deputy didn't show up I would have continued another hour... so I am guessing that the lab results are masked and skewed by my exercise and diet program that's been going on for two months that none of the doctors showed any interest in hearing about...

but I'll proceed with all the modern medicine tests anyway...

ridiculously, I gave in and at Burger King today... looking at the content of the foods I am amazed... and people eat that and worse all the time?...

meanwhile, I am happy bouncy and full of energy even after walking around half the day and almost two hours vigorous continuous workout at the gym... probably building another kidney stone (I did pass a bit of sediment today, but that's probably cuz I ate more protein and spices than the kidneys could process last night and fell asleep before I drank enough water and I have a bit of a cold bug trying to move in, though it's retreating compared to yesterday), but as long as there's no interference with the gym work, I am not taking anything the doctors say all that seriously cuz they don't have all the facts (I mean, they haven't actually talked to the patient)...

so after a bit of grumbling about doctors who do not actually treat patients and mixed messages from the lab, no worries and continue the fun :)

cycle, recycle

and in a sense similar to rinse, lather, repeat though perhaps a minute difference cuz they are different words, after all, I feel the changes slowly ovetrtaking the old habits... I feel the drag as I consider taking a night off from the gym cuz the muscles could benefit from rest, and then I feel the please stop and let me rest tonight please from the muscles for the first five or ten minutes at the gym, but then I feel the better feeling after I turn it up and spend 70+ minutes on the Lifecycle... kind of like how it was when I used to run, but the voices to stop are louder cuz they've had power for so long and the muscles aren't exactly as young as they used to be...

so I am continuing to roll through the daily cycle of pushing the body and rebuilding muscles and starting to feel the recycle, a longer wavelength or time period of changes that bring me back to being centered, being me... it's been a long time since I actually lived there, but the memory is becoming clearer with each step... and day after day, alone on the hill...

meanwhile, there's a giant Hershey's Kiss sitting on the edge of the kitchen counter that is about a foot from the nose each time I enter the kitchen and Raspy and Precious take big chunks out of it every few hours... it's been going on since Friday night and I haven't given in yet... I don't think I will, which is an almost scary change, but definitely proof that I am closer to my core where it becomes obvious that decisions are so much easier to follow than desires (a revelation for most, I imagine, and perhaps once upon a time it was for me as well)...

today I just sat around most of the time... woke to a phone call, as one of you know... I napped a couple of hours after that and then just hung around the house... I still do not get enough sleep, but then, the day is way too short for enough sleep most of the time... I even watched bowling on TV... I did get laundry done and cooked some hot garlic shrimp and Spanish rice... yum...

in the news of the body, weight remains stable after three days of much less restrictive eating, which is a good sign... and now I start the strict eating for a few days to drop another few pounds and hopefully the process will continue to work... this is the first week I have had no word (or anything else) from the kidneys, which is better than previous weeks and hopefully a sign that they are f8inally close to cleaned out and adjusting to the new energy and food processing levels... I'll give the doctor a call in a few days cuz she should have the results of the lab tests she ordered by then and we shall see how the sugar and carb restrictions effected the lab levels... if they're substantially improved, maybe I'll treat myself to my own ultra-decadent kind of mac 'n cheese... ice cream, chocolate, and any other sweets shall wait another couple of months until the weight is in what I know is my healthy range...

and that's about the life in RealTime™ for today... thank you for being here and for the words you leave... I hope you found something good to focus on and enjoy in your day and feel better than you did yesterday on your way to feeling the best you can feel (cuz no matter how good we feel, we can always feel better :)

title?... what title?

I caught up with my FitDay program (entering all the food I eat and activities I do) as tomorrow is the supposed goal date I set back when I began (cuz my doctor's appointment was supposed to be tomorrow... it was cancelled because of a miscommunication about lab work... so I'm going to the lab again tomorrow and we'll see when the next appointment might be... I did get a Urology appointment for the 30th though, so I'm not dragging feet)...

and I did meet my weight goal for tomorrow, so yay and that's not quite the halfway point, so not too big a yay just yet... the good news is that for the past three days I've refocused and maintained the original intensity of diet and exercise that started this period of change and that shall hopefully continue to kick off phase two of this physical rebuilding and reawakening process... I am not pushing the body as much at the gym, out of respect for the kidneys, and that may be better for weight loss in the long run...

boring, getting more boring...

at work, I've caught up with all mid-month reports and can probably tke a day or few off if I choose to in the next week... maybe Friday, maybe not... at home, Precious is off to Tampa for the Statewide Thesbian competition (she'll rush back for Prom on Friday) and Rasputin is working as usual and I am about to head to bed, or the big green chair, cuz it's already 3am... and life goes on...

thanks for being out there, hope life is smiling in your world :)