it's 3am, do you know where you are?
yes, it is 3am tomorrow, regardless of what the time date stamp might say... and this has been an oddly retro weekend as i went out with mini-groups both nights so far... saturday i had dinner with a few (five) of the people from the game group cuz one of the people i will say yes to if she invites me invited me cuz one of the other people was moving north and so we had a farewell dinner... we saw Drillbit Taylor after dinner at Toojays... and sunday i went to a friend of Rasputin's to play poker in a small room full of smoke, one of my least favorite environments, but playing the game was fun for the time we did... somebody spoke and a went into a dream, ahhhhh... ah ah ah... ah ah ah... ah ah ah...
for a moment, there was a glimpse of long lost sensuality...
we met Precious and her best friend and his parents for dinner at the Lobster Feast, the tourist place that is owned by Rasputin's boss... Raspy got us free dinners, though i tossed a twenty into the tip, so it wasn't exactly free... but i won nine dollars playing cards (which isn't bad in a nickle-dime game with four people), so... whatever...
the absence of potential for satisfying intimacy (for me) or even true comfort was evident throughout the weekend, but then, so was the stagnating stench of human waste that i, for one, am tired of being a part of even as i am (so many messed up prepositions and structure has gone to pot)...
never mind the drug references, just do it...
for a moment, there was a glimpse of long lost sensuality...
we met Precious and her best friend and his parents for dinner at the Lobster Feast, the tourist place that is owned by Rasputin's boss... Raspy got us free dinners, though i tossed a twenty into the tip, so it wasn't exactly free... but i won nine dollars playing cards (which isn't bad in a nickle-dime game with four people), so... whatever...
the absence of potential for satisfying intimacy (for me) or even true comfort was evident throughout the weekend, but then, so was the stagnating stench of human waste that i, for one, am tired of being a part of even as i am (so many messed up prepositions and structure has gone to pot)...
never mind the drug references, just do it...
Labels: amused, bliss, bubbling, duh, fun, giggles, irony, irony intros, irony madness, lam, lament, life, local, loneli, self-destruct, snottles
posted by candoor at 11:59 PM
8 Comments:
Well, lessee, somewhere around 10:30 p.m. I fell asleep on the sofa and oddly by 3 a.m. I believe I had made my way to the floor where I slept the rest of my sleeping time. It did make for some very interesting dreams I have to say, though there is nothing snuggly or cuddly about sleeping on the floor and while I know in order to be all zen and everything you ought to be able to sleep anywhere I suppose I'm not even approaching anything resembling zen because I would much rather be snuggly and cuddly whenever possible.
Remember that song, "One Night in Bangkok?" Oddly it just started running through my head...I wonder what that means. Maybe that's what sleeping the floor will do for you, or to you :)
Happy Monday.
hugs
when did this zen w0rd begin to mean "relaxation" and "qool" in western thought - was that alan watts' fault - and when did it start getting equated with bootcamp, japanese ritual constant pain sitting?
both interpretations are equally off mark and zen which comes from chinese chan (i think) only means the studying of self?
if you cuddle, then seeing through this cuddling and understanding how it comes about and why you do it, THAT is zen right there.
zen is being and understanding how you be and THEN living in such a way so that you don't get all wrapped up in this being bullshit, because the way you be tomorro ain't gonna be the way you be today, thus there's no point in getting all up in arms about being any which way.
too many w0rds and not enough cuddling, then.
brief analysis of the moment then,
is good and may even be zen
but in depth analysis of time and space
means the zen didn't work in the first place
unless, of course, we are seeking the zen (re: understanding of, ) of in-depth analysis, which is mostly an avoidance of the being by getting lost in the [thought] process...
and if you understand, you find it genius... and if you do not, you find it boolsh, or BS... but then, many spend four years taking extra classes just to earn BS, so there may be a little worth to it after all... not that spending four year doing anything guarantees worth... so it is relative… like algebra, who knew i'd be using it daily decades after acing it and wondering why, but that's besides the point (except to touch on RealTime™ for a moment, if only to connect with the original purpose of this blog and therein satisfy the purists we can be, speaking for myselves, at least…
i love it when we can have these convulsations...
too many words, not enough cuddling, therein is the genius exposed...
i think (speaking of going against the grain and contradicting wisdom, or self, for that matter), that we humans (now that i feel like i can speak as one) spend way too much time thinking about what we've lost and not nearly enough time thinking about what we have, no less enjoying either... enjoy the memories in the moment, but focus on enjoying the moment and all that is in it (for there is not enough time to do more, only less, and doing less diminishes the moments and therein, dilutes the memories as well)...
but losing everything,
that's like the sun going down on me...
and the sun has actually gone down on me several times, in spite of my earnestly singing that song to the universe and anyone who might have cared at the time... but when losing everything, left with nothing, it's nothing, or like the song, or prayer, for that matter (what matter?), mostly a distraction from doing [something]...
kind of like the song you mention, thanks to Tim Rice and the boys from ABBA, though you might mean the Frankie goes to Hollywood version, as opposed to the Murray Head original, everything (especially entries like this, no less convulsations), is kind of like a game of Chess (or at least a play on words… or more accurately, words being names, after all, a play upon names which has been shortened, in modern language, to pun... as once again we wonder if digression is the better part of valor or squalor)….
anyway, the doctor orders state:
repeat that not seeing the forest for the trees metaphor (or analogy, which is kind of like what z might be suggesting about zen, or i could be stretching my understanding well beyond conception outside of my mind as complexity leaves out some connections that i assume there because they are there for me... genius is internal and mostly viewed as delusional until it is understood, but that's another back story) until the association is made, or until sleep overtakes the meditation, whichever comes first...
It's a drag, it's a bore, it's really such a pity
To be looking at the board, not looking at the city
[insert lyrics]
or maybe you just feel the devil walking next to you... or maybe even more, it's the irony of the last song on that particular soundtrack that calls out checkmate in the deepest corners (or windmills, which may or may not be a reference to a few other songs, depending on perspective and flexibility) of your mind...
Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting far too much for far too long.
Looking back I could have played it differently
Won a few more moments who can tell
But it took time to understand the man
Now at least I know I know him well
No one in your life is with you constantly
No one is completely on your side
And though I move my world to be with him
Still the gap between us is too wide.
and for background spice we add simple facts like in Australian, the song pushed I Want to Know What love is by Foreigner out of the #1 spot and most everywhere else (outside the US and UK), it was Shout by Tears for Fears that usurped it on the charts... so yes, if you want to know what love is, then let it all out, but then, move on..
game, set, match, love.
note the period...
everything can be broken down to simple mathematics for those who have any understanding or aptitude for simple mathematics, else, it can be words trying to express more than words, which almost always leads to failure and the bible, or some other book or rules… no offense to any book of rules, or revelations, for that matter, but if it doesn't happen in your head, it didn't really happen for you… perspective is all we can find sometimes, but now and then, if we leave behind all we've been told, we might find clarity...
ah…
and to bring it full circle as this exercise in mental yoga comes to a climax, or rest point, (for this entry, at least), when i wish a moment of zen, i must do more than wish... never mind the babbling, the analysis, the conditions, the rules, the revelations, the thinking, (or even the songs, for that matter), just do it...
I only know the Murray Head version which I am now listening to on iTunes :)
i read twice, for the benefit of two persons of no rank who admired the trees, having never lost the sight of the forest.
[insert nike swoosh sound here]
j - it is possible the last song may lead you backward, consciously or not... if you see that, then the awareness could be a step forward...
may you continue :)
z - and for the benefit of mr. kite as well, merci beaucoup :)
Well, I am actually too much of an idiot to move forward, (as z bestows the honor upon me time and again) and since there is nothing at all wrong with being an idiot (as z will also concur so as to ensure there is no insult in the bestowing) I will sit in the corner with my dunce cap on and ponder the importance of nothing, really.
And while some would accurately describe me as a sort of glutton for punishment probably with a bit of a savior complex and a need to be nice to everyone no matter what is returned, there does come a time when I do just want nothing more than a few words of kindness or comfort or healing or "it's all gonna be okay" (I'm so much of an idiot I'm still human), and since today is the marking of another year in a very strange and confusing life I find myself in, I give myself the gift of retreat to soothe my inner little girl all by myself.
So in a final blog post here in the RealTime comments section, I still say yay for you for your continued words, your continued inspiration, your continued courage in carrying on despite a lot of pain and heartache, yay for your heart, and really just yay for you without any other qualifications at all.
Words actually do matter.
Be well, take better care of you, and thank you for being such a wonderful friend to everyone who reaches out to you, whether in words or in RealTime. God knows everyone needs to find a bit of a gentle space once in a while in this big scary world. You have affected people much more than you have ever realized.
hugs :)
you can focus on the positive and ride the wonderful wave it provides...
you can focus on the negative and use it to beat yourself up...
you can do as you wish...
i wish there was less negative and more positive...
i wish there was more gentle and less caustic...
i can not change others, i can only change myself...
i can try to ignore or walk away or block out the negative and caustic, but that wastes energy and leaves me dissatisfied, so i rarely try...
i learn to perceive everything as personally or impersonally as i wish...
i believe everything can be presented more positively...
i do not want to spend my time judging others or myself, even though i do sometimes...
i can do as i wish (even though i don't sometimes... do i forget?)...
there is so much in this world that can hurt me when i want to feel hurt...
i ask myself, why would i want to feel hurt?...
sometimes the questions run too deep...
maybe REM or Supertramp or U2 or some external influence might distract me and/or provide assistance...
just a round about way of getting to the answer which has always been between my ears...
am i a scardy cat?... wasting time?... is that where i'm at?... wasting rhyme?... the cat in the hat, was that a crime?... pinned to the mat is not sublime... too many questions, too little time...
so stop asking?
irony, aye, a question about questioning if too many questions are being asked of myself... the convolutions are escapable, but only when i stop adding to them...
fight or flight is a waste of time for me... may it be more useful for you...
boundaries may be the most important awareness of all...
and locus of control...
and breath...
the air is yours for but a moment, embrace it, treasure it, release it, it is being alive...
and love...
or whatever...
as you wish...
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