being the state of being in the body that is me

i am so torn (and all out of shape, ironically, not bent) between taking life seriously to the extreme again and running daily and eating all healthy and who knows, maybe even going Vegan (would love be enough?... what's the point of asking if she's not around) and pretending some sort of perfect integration with nature that makes me immortal or something (yes, but what is it that all this is torn between?... ah, i am happy i asked that question and included this bridge of a parentheses so there might be even a bit of understanding outside of the head at the top of the body that is me) and just tossing in the towel, accepting the reality of the fact that life naturally ends in death, and enjoying the hell out of the decadent nature of the taste buds and hormonal surges that food stuffs and all the stuff in food stuffs inspire in the mind in the head on top of the body that is me in this life, at least…

and yet, i play so much better softball (and enjoy playing so much better softball, not to mention doing everything else physical better and enjoying doing everything else physical better) in the body that is me when i am lighter and faster and less bloated and the frustration of the sluggish body that is me caused me to stay a few hours after the game and run on and off while watching the other three games that played after my game and even though i am sleeping less and less, i still think i might turn around the decadent death march and be young and fit again, or at least fit again…

and yet, i stayed awake indulging Precious's latest addiction, Queer as Folk which is strangely sucking me in (pun not intended) and i find myself wanting to know what happens next as she plays every episode of the five season run of the series (does this mean i'm gay?... what's the point of asking when she's not around… or he, for that matter… oh, stop laughing, we need to take this life death thing seriously), but then again, i did that with John From Cincinnati too and was very disappointed that they shot that show down so quickly, so i tend to enjoy the stranger shows, though i was never the biggest fan of Twin Peaks (does that mean i'm gay?... pun purely intentional… actually, unlike most males of the species, i prefer smaller peaks {does that mean i'm a pedophile?)…

somehow i am not taking this pressing matter of life and death and the decisions being made that help decide between them seriously… no wonder i am still awake at 5:44am and instead of getting some sleep tonight (being that i played softball and ran last night and have every intention of playing softball and running tomorrow night) i went and cooked up a hot dog and a sausage and suffered in taste bud heaven (does that mean i'm gay?... oh, it's just way too easy) with seasons fries and mozzarella sticks and i am contemplating some chocolate covered cashews at the moment (does that mean i'm a nut?... what's the point of asking if… oh the state of the being in the body that is me is such an interesting conceptual metaphor… and extremely diverse, in fact… does that mean i am bi-polar?... chocolate covered cashews to the rescue)…

but the more pressing question is really how i am to support myself in the manner to which i have become accustomed (like these chocolate covered cashews and some ridiculous cost per pound, for instance… they are whole, select jumbo cashews, by the way… so are the honey roasted ones… oh, did i mention i also bought those?... that was before i had the revelation that i should drop thirty pounds in the month of august and start running daily again… the concept of changing diet was tossed about in the mix of that revelation, but then, so was the fantasy that i could drop the wait by not changing the diet, so don't believe everything you read… but the cost, maria, but the cost… we do have a fine kettle of fish to be in here in the state of the being in the body that is me, don't we?)...

yes, right, we were contemplating the cost and how i would support myself in the custom to which i have become accustomed cuz it's so much more comfortable for the body that the street ever was… except for the extra pounds, now come to thing of it, when i was eating real lean due to lack of fundage and had a flat belly and more muscles and stamina and all that, the body felt infinitely better than it does when i am bloated… the cushions are just a lot softer than the concrete…

maybe i should slow down on the chocolate covered cashews…

and as the clock approaches 6am i wonder if i am going to get any sleep tonight at all, what with the body being out of shape and the blood pressure higher due to the excess weight it carries and must pump the blood through and the chance of heart attack or stroke, especially stoke, infinitely higher for me because i am such an extreme alien who is cramped into this body that i am in that has always had profound pressure in the cranial capacitators and capillaries from the time i was a very little boy and i could feel the blood rushing through the tiny vessels and cells in the head atop the body that is me and now, the blood places an even stronger rhythm on my ear drums and vessels so that i can hear better than ever the bass notes of the symphony that is playing in the body that is me…

torn, i tell ya, torn…

but those chocolate covered cashews are just so good (not to mention the smoked sausage, whatever meat by-products it might contain (hey, at least i only had one five inch, or maybe six inch sausage (cuz size does matter, you know… does that make me anything?... oh, of course the gay question should pop up, the marathon Queer as Folk influences permeates the space these days… hope nobody out there is homophobic… or has hemophilia, either, for that matter… maybe it's just the characters and the writers… or the prejudice of small minds i so love to mock and shock and hopefully, somehow, open one day… hey, i never even saw Brokeback Mountain so there you go)… all this bloating was so unnecessary as i was feeling so good before the half pound of chocolate covered cashews…

did i mention i was torn?... ow about laundry, did i meantion i was also up cuz i needed to do laundry cuz i am too busy on weekends to get it done these days and not much less busy during the week… you can see for yourself in between episodes of Queer a Folk… but what's the point in asking…

and if she came into my life today

hey, ever get the feeling of being followed around?