how many times...

i started this entry three four five at least six times and either nodded off or got distracted (mostly nodded off) again and again and (well, at least five times before now, right)... maybe more, but then, who's counting?... ultimately, the excitement for pouring life and stuff inside into words waned quickly as fatigue drowned or swallowed or smothered it night after night this week... there was much excitement, it just waned or whatever quickly as i found myself sitting here asleep often enough to have a stiff lower back by yesterday...

and how many times will i sing the same song, wishing for the one to come and make this world where i belong... and how many times will i dream the same dream, falling in love unconditionally trusting sharing everything... and how many times will i chew on the doubts, will i let all this out, what is this all about... how many times will i wish for a friend, will i wonder if the end is here or just around the bend... how many times will i write the same words, will i write the same words, will i write the same words, will i write the... same words...

i really ought to be sleeping now, but the excitement is winning for the moment... that is the excitement of being, no particular source or inspiration to point to other than just being, which continues to be more excitement as time goes by even with the missing pieces of the puzzle (maybe partly because of the missing pieces of the puzzle?... who's counting?)...

i miss sharing silliness...

really, i miss that more than almost anything... i miss sharing other sorts of excitement too, but the excitement of shareing silliness builds a deeper trust than most sharings, or at least it's just much fun and i miss it more than most sharings at the moment... people just don't seem to be as silly as they used to be when i was younger and even sillier than i am now... maturity really is overrated...

anyway, i am intending to go to Warped Tour tomorrow in st. johns county, almost 2 hours away... that means I should get some sleep, but the excitement seems to be keeping me away so i might just skip sleep and drive out there early, like in an hour or two... of course i do not know anyone into music enough to do this with me, so i'll be enjoying the drive and the day and the energy and the music by myself...

i feel sad for all the people who miss out on this sort of fun energy...

and there is a part of me feeling like giving up, like believing it will be pathetic for an aging rocker to show up along at a most teenager, even young teenage event... i mean, just look at the website messages and even the map that has a "parent drop off" spot marked off... but that feeling passes just as the loneliness passes as it always had in this life... i lament being different from my peers for a moment or few, but as soon as the opportunity comes to have fun, i leave the human norms and cultural expectations behind and ignore the odd looks or occasional stereotypical confrontations and just enjoy the energy and the fun on my own...

and how many times have we (that's me and the voices in my head) traveled this thought path before, aye?... just like the kitchen light never getting turned off or the apartment always being a mess or the junk food junkies influence always around me or anything else i've come to accept about living with humans in this world, it is digested as a distraction and my focus returns to the fun...

so i'll take the loneliness with me instead of sitting at home alone with it and will give up the sleep cuz i got home after midnight (almost 2am) and watched the usa softball team play canada as i typed this entry cuz i guess i wanted to discuss the pros and cons of driving two hours on no sleep then spending a day walking around for 10+ hours in the heat a couple of generations apart from the hundreds or maybe thousands around me with only expensive junk food to eat/drink and then to drive home afterward, alone again, naturally, and probably get caffeine in the body to stay awake and then consider a full day at universal studios on monday, but then, all this thinking is just whining in the end (or bullshit)...

maybe i just wanted an entry posted...

or sympathy for the devil (should i be smiling at that?... well, i've been laughing at myself on and off throughout this entry, so shoulda coulda woulda ya know, i do as i wish {thank you wesley} cuz i love me and enjoy life even with the missing pieces... i will not be taking my trench coat or playing aqualung, though, cuz i doubt anybody there would get the joke :)

besides, i doubt there are going to be any park benches out there...

i hope they are not sold out before i get there (a fine time to consider that possibility, aye?)... ah, my amusement with myself continues to amuse me and there's reason enough for me to babble on, but hopefully you are finding the reading worth your time as well... i shall find time to catch up on the week and all the days missed along the way as i nodded off or did not have time, someday, ya know... and how many times have we sang that tune too...

ironically, i spend last night reading through the past as in the diaryland diaries, and realize there are so many more words, from pathos to amusement, than i usually relate to on a day to day basis and so many words to share if ever i find the playmate who wants to know me the way i want to know and share a playmate... awesome (and not just alex) task, perhaps even daunting, but still...

the excitement continues to build...

as many times as it takes :)