tinnitus is distracting

however it may be spelled, this was thought out to be silence is distracting but i never hear silence anymore because the ear never stops ringing, and then, there's the electric stuff, the fan, the laptop, the air conditioner, the fridge, the plumbing (ok, so some none electric stuff too), the world is such a noisy place, even far from downtown... sometimes i miss downtown... tinnitus... itis of the tinn?... timpany?... membrane?... mem brain?... i hurt in the mem brain, for sure... but the ear ringing, ironic that i should recall the infection that left me with this permanent ringing... doctors say it only gets worse with age, so soon i'll be one of those old guys saying eh? a lot... as opposed to aye? i suppose...

get me one of those odd shaped cone things and sit on a porch in a rocker and yell eh? at passersby... i'm sure i'll have a lot of passersby... after all, who wants to stop and sit on the porch with a guy with one of those big odd shaped cone things in his ear hollering eh? all the time?... this bloated oldness has just got to go... sheesh, when was the last time i actually felt like having sex with another human being?... never mind, the answer, my friends, depresses the wind...

yet still i laugh at the phrasology of that last downbeat... distracted and achy and ready to explode and all... i looked at the exercise bikes they have and did not see one with a platform for a laptop... totally behind the times (someone ought to invent that if someone hasn't already)... and feeling lonely used to inspire me to write all sorts of really pathetic (but sometimes cleverly phrased) rhymes and that used to help me feel less lonely cuz rhyming makes me giggle and it's hard to feel lonely (no less depressed) when giggling cuz giggling is kind of the secret back door to being one with everything and the universe and all, which is why kids, idiots, and some odd people do it (i'll let you figure out which of those i am, but then. there are other labels we can put on gigglers just as well)...

labels are distracting, but sometimes fun to play with... woe to those who take them seriously though, for thier heads will implode with the pressure labels put on the brain... though words are labels, ultimately, so i suppose i am differentiating between labels that separate, divide, and even belittle people and words, which label everything but not necessarily with any sort of judgment... maybe that's why my head feels like it's going to explode more and more, cuz of all the words pounding on the skull to get out...

time, it's always been about time... so little time, so many words...

tonight i just want to curl up with somebody who has some inkling of who i am (hey, finding someone who could ever really know me in the few decades {or less} i may have left in this body is about as probably as winning the big lottery, or less) and who will not drag me down... humans are like lead balloons, mostly... i wonder if i will ever find one that isn't that is old enough to curl up with me without getting me thrown in jail... why do the humans eat their young?...

this body desperately needs, as in need to continue living, more regular exercise (in spite of running around the bases, not to mention the fields, a several times a week)... and the rest of me desperately wants, as in wants so much it's almost a need, any, as in ANY intimacy... sex would be nice too, but i mean intimacy, as in so close there is no space between kind of sharing that combines the nine prime magics... or magiks... unconditional trust... honest love... fearless curiosity... egoless caring... uninhibited sharing... harmless intent... serious fun...

the last two are secrets my heavy head will keep from us tonight...

teasing may be part of it, for the love of smirk... and all that infinite goodness and ultimate truth and the fluff of myths and legends and you know, holy stuff... and i do not mean material things, but there's a toybox in there somewhere too... actually, there are more than nine, eleven to be closer to accuracy, however the number continually changes depending on the wind and other variables... i wonder if princess stephanie ever put out another cd...

oh yeah, utter randonmess must fit in there somewhere... for it is said, those who speak great wisdoms shall be leaders among men, but those who speak utter randomness, while labeled fools, will be the keepers of the universal knowledge from which wisdom is squeezed... or something like that...

diamond in the rough, aye?... ah, well, when the ear rings so loud i hardly can hear my own thoughts and the head feels so heavy it becomes a physical pain in the neck just to hold it up, the best one can do (or me, in this case), is babble like this...

short bursts of random synaptic activity... infinite stubbornness, there's another... they don't all have to be two word phrases, but they just seem more important that way... does self-mockery count?... the trouble with this state, the distracting ear ringing and bobble-head, is i will sometimes skip thoughts that, if written in order, would make a whole lot more sense (or could even change the meaning) of the babbling prose you see spilling out before you...

and a lot of thoughts are left

i wonder what would happen if i tried to rhyme (could be quite depressing, or not)... when i sit up a big v forms upside down below my chest as if my abdominal muscles are trying to push their way our or maybe i have something growing inside that will tear through my skin and smile at me as i die... wait, that's already been done... that is how it feels, not that i actually experienced the feeling, but the feeling i imagine it to be, that's how it feels...

it could just be the muscles fighting against atrophy (and gravity, and perhaps entropy too)... it does look very weird... i suppose the sonograms and mris the doctors have done would have noticed something growing in there... unless it's invisible... yeah, that's not been done... an invisible alien thing growing inside... i wish it had more consciousness or could figure out how to talk to me cuz then i wouldn't feel nearly as alone as i usually do...

sometimes the things my mind things just leaves me wide-eyed staring at myself...

nobody else does, at least not in visual range, so i might as well fill the role... or is that roll... it's a vital one, whatever it is... everybody should have one... i know i am better when i do... even if it makes no sense and nobody knows what i am wandering on about, and it's another cure for the lonelies too... i really ought to be sleeping as i have a very early meeting in the morning where i will be challenged by a group of irrational people who firmly believe they should have every right to continue working less than an hour or two, except for making fifteen minute rounds, as they';ve been accustomed to and they will be appalled when i have the audacity to remind them that they are paid for eight hours and sitting and staring into space, socializing, or nodding off is not part of their job description (and really isn't allowed, even though it is)...

changing an engrained cultural habit usua;lly meets with a lot of resistance... i mean, just look at how long it's taking smokers to get used to not poisoning the air of others around them in a closed space where people have to breath, after all... you'd think non-smokers were demanding smokers run a marathon or kill their first born, when all their being asked to do is to keep their guns in their pockets and stop shooting people in the lungs... it's just not nice to kill people, ya know?...

if only i wasn't so lonely
i'd write a little song
but by myself i only
long to sing along

if only i wasn't so empty
i'd have much more to share
if only i love you meant me
i'd learn how much i can care

i suppose that is irony, since i do a fair job of caring (a whole lot more than anyone else around me most of the time), but i know i am so ambivalently apathetic by my standards that it is more than ironic... sardonic?... harmonic?... more like .. .. .. i just disappeared into the internet for an hour, at least, cuz i went to look for a word (yes, i do that now and then) and got lost wandering... dummy, sleep, cuz after the stress-filled day of work there's a meetup group expecting you to be bright and clever and comfortable to meetup with cuz i am organizing the kiss me kate party tomorrow night... so softball tonight was not grand as we have a team that isn't too good and i am giving up the work team to play with them and i paid for it and someone else wants to ;pitch so i didn't even finish the game and the work team gives me guilt trips for not showing up and so thursday nights may be my least favorite night of the week for a while... but then, disharmonic may not even be a word... di-sharmon-ic?... dis-harmo-nic?... shamanical?... sabbatical... i can use a few...

did you notice when i disappeared for an hour?... course not, that's the silly nature of the internet, we are here in different times, like time travelers... so i'm gonna lay this heavy head on the pillow now... yes, i use a pillow... even sleep on my side a lot... which could explain the humanness and the headaches and the ridiculously low self-esteem (that leads to the bloat and the upside down shapped v thing in my stomach), at least by my lofty standards...

thank your lucky stars if you have someone to cuddle with tonight, cuz there's a vast shortage of cuddles in the world... giggles too, which is almost as sad, maybe more... still, there's always hope, which is why i do...

nite nite :)