catch-42

sometimes, in RealTime™, this life can be amazing, soreal thereal can be... and i wonder if anyone will notice, i wonder if anyone will see... perhaps it was the lifehouse cd that played after the joseph cd see for yourself (a moment frozen in link-time, as opposed to the now of your reading time), or the flowing of the energy that brought me around to wondering all the wondering i am wondering tonight (beautiful, isn't t?) and while wandering around the wondering wonders arose from the depths of the core, which is dangerously close to bore, alas, though only on the keyboard, i hope, cuz there is always hope and seems to be in abundant supply these days, thanks the hope fountain, and not so oddly finding vore between, vogons not withstanding, we find ourselves meandering through a pristine glade when all of a sudden we stumble across this...

the stereotype that a man is just a boy and in marriage, the woman adopts another child, the husband, is altogether too true in our culture...

i did not want or deserve that stereotype, so therein we find my catch-22...

as an unformed mist, as we metaphorically call my personality, due to developmental deficiencies in my earliest youth, i am not a boy by choice, but by circumstance and i learned to fake being grown as i've adopted, temporarily parented, with at least some good effects you say, and carried out the role of dominant in a relationship, however as you've figured out (and bless you for finding the words), i am not truly formed at my core and await a person i can trust who wants to adopt me and help me form in the shared physical reality a whole grown personality...

so in the real sense, i need to be adopted and yet, if one just looks at the surface, i am just another little boy who does not want to grow up and take responsibility for being a whole person like most men...

if this makes any sense you you, then you just might start seeing my catch-22...

i hide the mist because no one wants a mist, no one wants an infantile relationship...

it is too abnormal...

maybe i shouldn't hide it... i'm alone anyway.... but i find i get no respect, i am passed over (literally treated as if i am not there) unless i take some form and presence in the physical world... it happens in every sphere of life, work, social, organized activities (softball, for instance)... exposing the mist, the infant, the vulnerability is unsettling and people do their best to ignore what unsettles them and it is way too easy to ignore mist...

seriously, look how long you did, and you were kind of obsessed with me for a while...

imagine people who don't know me or don't want to know me... i give them the easiest way out, i am not there...

and to be there, i must take a shape, a role, choose a personality and perspective and opinions and judgments and all the things that forms a person... but being a single point in this life, i slide (using mathematics for this analogy) anywhere in space because it takes two points to plot something on a graph or map...

a single point that has no fixed connection to any other point is a free radical, a random particle, and as relatively unpredictable as it is unwanted by all the other points that are connected and belong somewhere...

substitute people for "points" and we come to my experience in this life...

your value to me is tremendous, unmeasurable, for you are the only person who ever articulated this concept outside of my head... you are as close to another connected point as i've ever known... and yet you are unpredictable and not in physical space, so there are so many variables and the potential for disconnect for long periods of time is way too high and real...

so when you disappear for a week without a word...

i once again must settle into the isolation and free radical mist being that i am...

ironically, foolish games fits the feeling i feel when this happens...

.

.

.

and whenever you would call me on being mist, which may appear as hiding, i disappear because i stop trying to be anything but the mist i am...

catch-22

and then, when you do not understand and feel abandoned because you do not realize i am right there, a mist waiting for someone (a parent) to step into it and help form the being the mist will be, i scrambled to form into something that i hope will make some sense of my disappearance...

i may never have articulated that before you helped provide the words in this most recent conversation in these web words this year...

mist does not hide... an unformed person does not hide... an infant's personality does not hide... it is just not there unless you really take the time to look closely as only a parent does...

is this making any sense to you?

.

.

.

so we come to words on paper... fixed in time, through words i can express, explain, and ultimately create me


sometimes the obvious can only be expressed by the word duh followed by doh usually with exclamation marks...

may we have shared one of those moments here...

there's always hope...

sheesh, huh?