hard core reality or self pity?
ok, so get real with what you feel was once the theme of a website i started creating about ten years ago and i wonder if i ever got there and one of the prevailing questions was is it really hard core getting real or is it just self-pity? and a question came to mind just tonight that took me back to that theme...
simply, the query begins like this... if i am a person of value, a person worth knowing and loving, then why am i alone...
and then, it continues to ponder why no one cares enough to tell others of my potential, value, worth, so i might actually connect with someone...
so reality tells me i am not the worthwhile partner i think i am... reality is nobody thinks i am any sort of good catch or person someone else really should meet... so i am not special, not impressing anyone as a good partner, provider, lover, friend, whatever... cuz if i was anything worth knowing, i'd be connecting with others through people who know me and find value in me...
not that i am looking to be set up on dates or any such ridiculous expectation rituals that humans seem to demand of each other (such as the desperate ones who can not stand being alone and out of a relationship for more than a week without a total meltdown of self-esteem and sanity)... i am mostly happy i do not have family demanding conformity (they gave up on me long ago) expecting me to marry and provide children for their pleasure and normalcy... but the introductions of any kind simply do not happen to me...
is everyone i know just selfish and either want me alone so they can have my attention or are they selfish keeping any potential compatible friend or partner to themselves or are they just not caring if i ever partner or are they just seeing no worth or value in me and would not recommend me to anyone... the fact is, that last part, that nobody recommends me to anyone else, is the reality of life and has been for a long long time...
i don't feel like i am feel sorry for myself (and i am a professional at throwing pity-parties (as you may know too well already)... so what's up... or wrong... what stops people who know me from recommending me to others as a friend or even as a potential relationship partner, no less life partner?...
maybe it's the music...
or the sarcasm :)
maybe it is because i am genuinely so happy that people think i need no relationship, lover, or maybe they think i must have someone to share life daily because i'd be lonely and mention it if i didn't... or is that just a facade i wear so well that people do not realize i am lonely and want someone to love (should i wear the queen song lyrics on a t-shirt every day?)... or maybe nobody cares about who i am or how i feel or what i want or what i do or knowing me at all...
huh? :)
so hard core reality is i am alone and nobody is interested in coming closer, knowing me better, sharing intimacy, or even introducing me to someone who might be compatible... and self-pity is crying boo hoo hoo all the way home like one of the little piggies... or something like that...
so what else is new? :)
simply, the query begins like this... if i am a person of value, a person worth knowing and loving, then why am i alone...
and then, it continues to ponder why no one cares enough to tell others of my potential, value, worth, so i might actually connect with someone...
so reality tells me i am not the worthwhile partner i think i am... reality is nobody thinks i am any sort of good catch or person someone else really should meet... so i am not special, not impressing anyone as a good partner, provider, lover, friend, whatever... cuz if i was anything worth knowing, i'd be connecting with others through people who know me and find value in me...
not that i am looking to be set up on dates or any such ridiculous expectation rituals that humans seem to demand of each other (such as the desperate ones who can not stand being alone and out of a relationship for more than a week without a total meltdown of self-esteem and sanity)... i am mostly happy i do not have family demanding conformity (they gave up on me long ago) expecting me to marry and provide children for their pleasure and normalcy... but the introductions of any kind simply do not happen to me...
is everyone i know just selfish and either want me alone so they can have my attention or are they selfish keeping any potential compatible friend or partner to themselves or are they just not caring if i ever partner or are they just seeing no worth or value in me and would not recommend me to anyone... the fact is, that last part, that nobody recommends me to anyone else, is the reality of life and has been for a long long time...
i don't feel like i am feel sorry for myself (and i am a professional at throwing pity-parties (as you may know too well already)... so what's up... or wrong... what stops people who know me from recommending me to others as a friend or even as a potential relationship partner, no less life partner?...
maybe it's the music...
or the sarcasm :)
maybe it is because i am genuinely so happy that people think i need no relationship, lover, or maybe they think i must have someone to share life daily because i'd be lonely and mention it if i didn't... or is that just a facade i wear so well that people do not realize i am lonely and want someone to love (should i wear the queen song lyrics on a t-shirt every day?)... or maybe nobody cares about who i am or how i feel or what i want or what i do or knowing me at all...
huh? :)
so hard core reality is i am alone and nobody is interested in coming closer, knowing me better, sharing intimacy, or even introducing me to someone who might be compatible... and self-pity is crying boo hoo hoo all the way home like one of the little piggies... or something like that...
so what else is new? :)
Labels: aye?, bios, bloat, blogs, candora, caring, choices, commercials, egmo, food, honesty, hope, human, intros, introspect, loneli, music, observations, patience, query
posted by candoor at 4:05 AM
2 Comments:
I knooow.. I feel like I'm trying to accelerate down-hill as Monday comes, and by the end of the week I'm trying to come to a screeching halt just to slip into Monday again. Weekends are just a myth lately..
Something's just not right about having to work at a work place you don't really think you should be working at and like not being able to find that work place at which you would like to work at. World would function so much better if everyone would at least be doing the job they love and want to do. And if music would play in public transportation. And and and..
Hugs to you!
And do you like Explosions in the Sky?
..music..
i took off monday and tuesday, not feeling great and with everybody at work dying from flu bugs or something (our ceo was sick more than a week) i figured i wouldn't push myself, but it's mostly long term fatigue (it was a very busy mostly fun weekend) that i let bubble up to the surface... i must go in tomorrow cuz the work piled on my desk is not going away and now i have three days to get two weeks worth of work done... but i did enjoy the rest time...
i so agree, everybody should do the job they love and music should play everywhere, but nobody consulted me when they built this world, so we've got what we've got... at least i do love the work i do, i just need to get a laptop to have more flexibility (i know, i already have a lot of flexibility, so i am lucky)...
i am listening to Explosions for the first time right now... all instrumental?... i like what i am hearing (first of four songs on myspace), though my connection is so slow i'll wait an hour for all four at this time of night... thanks for the music :)
and for the words, your energy is still great :)
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